I can’t wait for the CSI episode

Some dumb bitch is so upset over a wig … that was stolen … from her head … in the middle of the street … at 3 in the whore-ning … that she got all ‘I’m tellin’ about it.
::: this has ‘field sobriety test’ written all over it … :::

According to the official police report, dingbat was stumbling walking home at 3 a.m. from a kegger or coke party or some shit when along comes an ex-boyfriend or pimp or some shit … on a bicycle … calls her a doo doo head or some shit and yanks the rug right off her halfwit head — which had to hurt since that shit was sewn to her real hair.
::: I’m guessing he got more than a smidge of skin too … :::

Now, me? I don’t believe it.

Not the wig-snatchy part … the part about her having an ex-boyfriend.
I can’t believe there is a man alive who would give up a woman this classy!

But, alas, her sad tale of woe seems somewhat, sort of, if the light is juuussst right … credible.

Miss Elegant Nightshade told the cops the wig-puller-offer had been her fucky times house partner for about eight months. Oh sure, they were close and all – like lovers get – and it’s just a darned ol’ shame that – what with all the Jack, Coke and Crystal Meth stress of the night – she could remember his first name but only the first letter of his last name.
::: Itshhh thahd ashhh T’hommee … T’hommeeee … uh … it  stahrz whitthuh, whitthuh  … ESSSSS!!  T’hommeee Essssss…sumf’n … :::

As dumb bitch luck would have it, Mr. Snatchyhands called baldie’s cell phone while the 5-0 were on scene
::: Yay!! :::

 … then he hung up when they used that sneaky cop maneuver of asking for his last name.
::: ACK! FOILED!!! :::

… the investigation continues …