Posts tagged ‘boyfriend’

Udderly Ridiculous


38-year-old MOOooorestown, New Jersey police officer Robert Melia Jr. can add ‘cow fucker’ to his résumé after being charged with four counts of animal cruelty for allegedly engaging in sex acts with cows between June and December of 2006.

And, yes, I mean the milk-producing, cud-chewing, hamburger-in-the-making bovine kind … not those tracked up, one-eyed truck-stop lot lizards who can eat corn-on-the-cob through a barbed-wire fence.

But, hey, if we’re being honest – I think it’s safe to assume he’d do them too …

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December 16, 2008 at 9:54 pm 4 comments

I can’t wait for the CSI episode


Some dumb bitch is so upset over a wig … that was stolen … from her head … in the middle of the street … at 3 in the whore-ning … that she got all ‘I’m tellin’ about it.
::: this has ‘field sobriety test’ written all over it … ::: wig

According to the official police report, dingbat was stumbling walking home at 3 a.m. from a kegger or coke party or some shit when along comes an ex-boyfriend or pimp or some shit … on a bicycle … calls her a doo doo head or some shit and yanks the rug right off her halfwit head — which had to hurt since that shit was sewn to her real hair.
::: I’m guessing he got more than a smidge of skin too … :::

Now, me? I don’t believe it.

Not the wig-snatchy part … the part about her having an ex-boyfriend.
I can’t believe there is a man alive who would give up a woman this classy!

But, alas, her sad tale of woe seems somewhat, sort of, if the light is juuussst right … credible.

Miss Elegant Nightshade told the cops the wig-puller-offer had been her fucky times house partner for about eight months. Oh sure, they were close and all – like lovers get – and it’s just a darned ol’ shame that – what with all the Jack, Coke and Crystal Meth stress of the night – she could remember his first name but only the first letter of his last name.
::: Itshhh thahd ashhh T’hommee … T’hommeeee … uh … it  stahrz whitthuh, whitthuh  … ESSSSS!!  T’hommeee Essssss…sumf’n … :::

As dumb bitch luck would have it, Mr. Snatchyhands called baldie’s cell phone while the 5-0 were on scene
::: Yay!! :::

 … then he hung up when they used that sneaky cop maneuver of asking for his last name.
::: ACK! FOILED!!! :::

… the investigation continues …

December 3, 2008 at 5:04 pm 3 comments

Yup, that’s one way to do it!


So there’s this song out there called ‘Bust Your Windows’ by a hot piece named Jazmine Sullivan and it’s all about a former boyfriend and the playful way she clued him in that she wasn’t exactly down with his cheatin’ horndoggery (mmmmyeah, ok, so the title does kind of give it away).

“I bust the windows out your car
After I saw you laying next to her
I didn’t wanna but I took my turn
I’m glad I did it ’cause you had to learn”

Lack of preposition notwithstanding, the song is kind of catchy in an angry-girl-anthem kind of way, which means I am all about it  — but it’s missing the finality one expects from a brutal breakup song.
::: I cut yer dick of with mah ax … see? now that’s catchy!! :::

But Jazzy’s from Philly and I guess that’s just how they do it up there and all what with bustin’ out windows and scrawling initials on the hood with a crowbar and suchlike and that’s all cool and everything … I  just wasn’t raised that way.

I was brought up where this kind of business gets handled … differently.

Just ask Cropwell’s own Josh Sempley.
::: BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Suckit Dickweed! That gag order is all KINDS of over!!! :::

For a while there it was all sexy sleepovers and hot steaminess between Josh and me …

until the skank he was bangin’ behind my back thought she’d try and school me on his scammin’ ways many Christmas moons ago.

holidayroachBeing the holiday season and all, I decided the proper thing to do would be to give them both big, BIG presents!!
::: I’m a giver like that. It’s just how I roll :::

First I trotted on down to Livvy’s Bait & Tackle just off Highway 280.
Livvy’s was this fun little place my dad would take me when I was little to get top-of-the-line spinners, streamers and shad wraps.
Folks forced to buy their bait on a budget could also get minnows, maggots and, my personal favorite, roaches!

A small ten dollar investment got me a half-pound of the creepy-crawlies — which turned out to be quite a powerful deterrent to late-night prank skank calls after she discovered the little demons inside the car she ** oopsie ** forgot to lock.
::: ho’, Ho’, HO’!! :::

“Oooh Yeah I did it
You should know it
I ain’t sorry
You deserved it”

Josh’s gift was more personal.

roadsterD-bag’s pride and joy — his raison d’être, if you will — was a tasty and totally cherry 1927 T-Bucket Roadster he built by hand from a kit.
That sweet thing was full of sweat-equity and powered by love so, of course, I gave it the royal treatment!
A Super-Ultimate-PRIMO bath using only the finest Brillo® and acetone mixture my never-be-hustled-again heart could manage.

You broke my heart
So I broke ya car
You caused me pain
So I did the same”

And did you know dishwashing soap isn’t supposed to be poured into the gas tank?!?
::: hehe – MY BAD!! … Live and learn, right?!? :::

Ooohhhhhh … good times, Good TIMES!

So, just so you know Jazzy baby — if your record label is lookin’ for a funky follow-up? Call me!

— and what about YOU?

ooooo tell … TELL!!

November 20, 2008 at 4:50 pm 2 comments

One large rumor, a stalkery snap on the side and hold the Big Mac


Cindy McCain is a whorebag!
Cindy McCain is a whorebag!
Cindy McCain is a whorebag!

Just in time to have absolutely ZERO impact on the presidential race, the scribes who sponsored John Edwards’ ‘Baby Mama Drama Career Suicide Tour ’08’ have taken a time out from poopy diaper DNA testing to drop this new bomb.

“Sources” tell the National Enquirer they have spied Cindy Lou Who lockin’ lips and gettin’ all huggey with a man who isn’t gonna be doodling “maverick” on the back of his Senate seat next year.
::: and by ‘sources’ we mean Scapegoat Palin. HAHAHAHA, just kidding!!!
… sort of … :::

Mrs. Mac is apparently a big ol’ cheatin’ whorey cheater who has been engaged in all kinds of cheateration going back perhaps as far as Mr. Mac’s first failed presidential bid.
::: Does NOBODY listen to Tammy Wynette anymore?!? :::

Not one to just make shit up (except when they do), the Enquirer is fueling their ‘She’s a flaxen-haired floozy’ rumor train with concrete evidential-type stuff and HARD proofification.
Yesssssss — they have a picture.

<— SEE!!! PROOF!!!!!

A grainy-almost-to-the-point-of-pixellation picture taken at an Arizona music festival two and a half years ago showing a blonde woman (so you know it’s her) with a blonde ponytail (it is sooo her)  locked in a virtually pornographic embrace (total slut) with a man who’s name we don’t know!

My god — it’s just so clear!

Well, uhh – ok, not the photo, or, umm, well the logic, per se  but, uhh, well something is clear!
Yes!
Of that much, we can be sure … or something …

November 13, 2008 at 2:37 pm

Who’s hosting the intervention?


uh … Wi-HAYULL NO-na!!

SOURCE

August 21, 2008 at 5:44 pm 2 comments

Engaging!


Ok, so actress Maria ‘I’ve-Always-Been-Anti-Marriage’ Bello is engaged and isn’t that sweet and blah blah blah.

She and her “musician, artist and part-time waiter” boyfriend Bryn Mooser haven’t set an actual date or anything wedding-y like that – but they did confirm that they “fell in love over a sheer passion of politics, Africa and cryptozoology.”

WFT?!?
Cryptozoology?!?
::: So that’s what they’re calling it these days, huh … :::

Wouldn’t it be a slice of complete AWESOME if they set up a table at the reception with place cards for Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster and a couple of Hobbit hotties from the bridal party?
Good times!!!

You know who else I bet gets a special invite?
Jake Gyllenhaal.

Girlfriend may want to consult a therapist about what’s really going on in her heart of hearts because she is totally bumpin’ bootie with a poor man’s version of the Jakester.

Take away the crazy hair and they’re the Olsen twins!
… well, Olsens with peen …

 

 

July 29, 2008 at 4:08 pm 2 comments

Breakin’ up is hard to do


I am actually sort of feeling sorry for poor little Justin Long today!
No, not because he looks like that ————————->
:::  although the buttfugly shoes should get a sympathy vote :::

Mr. I’m-More-Than-The-Mac-Guy is apparently so upset over being dumped by Drew Barrymore that he had to drop out of her new roller-derby movie, Whip It!

“He couldn’t stand working with her and not being with her,” a friend of his says. “He’s too upset … She was hot and cold. One minute she was in love with him and the next she wanted to break up with him.”

I feel for the guy, I really do!
He’s more emotionally fragile than a preteen girl — he might not make it y’all!

The little fella’s been described in various media reports as being ‘distraught’, ‘devastated’, ‘destroyed’, ‘depressed’ and a whole bunch of other words that don’t start with the letter D.

(so)Long and Dontwannaseeyanomore had been friends for more than 7 years before gettin’ their PDA on pretty much anywhere and everywhere there was a camera handy. And then *poof* – seemingly just like that (snap) it was over when she decided to recast the role of ‘Drew’s boyfriend’.

No one’s really talking about the breakup, but rumor has it she is still tuned in to the FM frequency.

“Drew just couldn”t get (Strokes drummer) Fabrizio (Moretti) out of her mind. She says Justin was great, but what she had with him just wasn”t as strong,” the source said.

It’s believed (apparently by the same unnamed source) that Drew told Fab about her feelings, which got him feeling deeeeeeelighted at the prospect of knockin’ boots with Barrymore again.

Justin, I think yer F’d, dude.

July 25, 2008 at 7:11 pm

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