Posts tagged ‘police’

Alabama could you PLEASE make news for something positive?!?

Rhetorical question …
::: sadz¬† ūüė¶ :::

The powers-that-be in Mobile are feeling all proud of themselves now that they’ve decided not to prosecute an 81-year-old woman who’s uncooperative bladder got the best of her in Bienville Square one hot, muggy south Alabama day in June.

“The city is not interested in prosecuting someone to full extent of law because they had an accident,” city attorney Larry Wettermark said.

Oh well that just covers it, doesn’t it?!?
wtgLet’s give them all giant medals for backing ass-first into the obvious!

I mean, surely they deserve a little something for the brain drain of realizing the sheer fuckery of their actions only AFTER widespread public outrage over the colossally stupid and immensely insensitive arrest.

Let’s recap, shall we?
Lula Mae Battle — did I mention she’s EIGHTY FUCKING ONE YEAR’S OLD?!?!? — had been at her bank on June 3 when nature began to call.
She asked the teller if she could use their restroom, but the bitchy bank employee brought the hell naw, which meant poor old Lula Mae had to haul her hotcross buns to the nearest public restroom which – as her luck that day would have it – was on the other fucking side of a goddamned fucking city park!!!!!
::: … deep breaths … :::
And — shock of shockingest shocks — she didn’t make it.
::: ACK!!!!! :::

badcopBut instead of offering assistance to an elderly person clearly in distress, some dumbshit (and as-yet unnamed) flunky cadet called an even dumbershit (and as-yet unnamed) flunky cop who got his Johnny Law on and arrested Lula Mae for public lewdness — a class C misdemeanor punishable by up to three months in jail.

Cue the public outcry …

“If I was her I’d go back in that bank and stand there till I left a puddle on the floor just on principle after closing my account!” internet commenter ALAGOVEATSHT oh so rightly ranted on an message board.

“It’s down right SICK to arrest a little old lady who has a bladder problem,” web-reader lorettanall pointed out, adding later. “The cop should be put on trial for being an inconsiderate moron.”
::: hell to the yeah! :::

But it was that hot slut herself — Bamamom18 — who, for me,¬†nutshelled why this story has people … well, PISSED! [pun intended]:
“Mrs Battles is 81 years old and has been publically humiliated. Why don’t you just make her wear a big red “U” on her clothes and make her stand in the square and let people laugh at her. Yeah, I bet that would teach her a lesson to become elderly and have normal health issues that come with being elderly.
Think people, think about what has happened to these people. They could be members of your family.”

Yes … yes they could …


August 6, 2009 at 2:52 pm 2 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Day

Old and Busted: During a spat with the spouse, the wife gets all ‘Shuddit or move out!’

New Hotness: He does!

It happened this month in Oregon when Pam and William Peterson got all pissy-pants with each other one night and Pammy told ol’ Bill he could just move the fuck out if he didn’t like things her way – so, well, he kinda did!

Dude grabbed some gear and got the hell out, taking what sounds like a truly well-deserved break to get his fish on.

He just forgot one teensy little detail: Informing the missus, who let herself marinate in her madness for a couple of days before going into dumb bitch hyperdrive and filing a missing person’s report on his waywardness.

Seems Will chunked her the deuce and made a break for it on June 6.
When she couldn’t fix the screen door and that lightbulb finally blew he didn’t show up for work a few days later, Pam thought it might be time to give the boys in blue a front-row seat to the soon-to-be public show of her marital discord.

Cornelius Police Commander Ed Jensen said the search for the maligned mate involved the U.S. Forest Service, as well as law enforcement officers from Linn, Lane and Marion counties. He estimated that thousands of dollars were spent on the search caused by Pam’s pissy hissy.

“On one day we had eight people who devoted all their time to looking for this individual,” he explained. “I don’t know if that was on overtime or not.”

Pity that — especially since Will called the ball-and-chain a week later “to see if he was welcome home.”

Raise a hand if you would LOVE to hear that phone call!!

Pam Peterson told reporters she wanted to apologize for the situation, but said she wouldn’t have anything more to say about it.
::: She’s a woman … there will be more said. :::

Despite being duped this time, Jensen said police will always investigate reports of people who are missing, adding “we need the full story from the start,” Jensen said.

And, as for the po-po getting paid back for their missing person’s probe?
“I’m pretty sure there is no recourse at this time (but) it definitely tied up a lot of resources that, in this day and age of tight budgets, could make a lot of difference.”

Editor’s Note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
But no.
This is serious.
Do not try this at home. Don’t do it!
Oh, I know you’ve all wanted to do it and I know it’s tempting – especially when we rain crazy down upon your sorry ass day-in / day-out. But we’re women. We can’t help it. It’s part of our DNA.
So — for serious and totally — don’t even think about trying this at home because sometime, somewhere the sweet precious you call ‘honey’ will bring eternal pain by the bucketload for your completely inappropriate condescension, making you wish you’d poured battery acid in your ears to escape her screechified blah blah, which sounds fine and all — until you try to catch PTI on ESPN and realize you’re no lip-reader.
Yup. Not worth it.


June 16, 2009 at 4:51 pm 1 comment

Dumb Bitch of the Month

I feel cheated!

geninecomptonHere I’ve been, thinking Genine Compton was a pro!
She did have all the earmarks of one, after all!
Supreme sefishness!
Total disregard for others!!
Bad grammar and blind bitchitude!!! 

She had it all, didn’t she?
I thought Genine would go all the way to the Dumb Bitch Championships, but now that I’ve seen a real pro – a crackerjackin action, I’m thinking I should probably revoke even her¬†Dumb Bitch of the Day¬†honors.

I mean, all Genine summoned the stupidity to do was breast-feed her brat while¬†talking on her cellphone … in the car … that she just happened to be driving at the time.

cokeymomLaughably losery and impressive by novice multi-tasking standards but totally bush league when you stack her shenanigans up against master moron Renee Vanalsburg —¬†March’s Dumb Bitch of the Month and for sure DB Hall of Fame shoo in.

Because Renee doesn’t just put her tyke on the tit and go for a drive. Anyone can do that shit!

Renee lets her baby¬†bond with mommy’s breastesses with a booze back and blow chaser!!

Police discovered the trilateral transgression¬†when they responded to a domestic dispute call at a house where Lactose Incarcerant and her ‘better half’ were staying.

The po po rolled up on the scene to find the Florida Mother[fucker] of the Year candidate breastfeeding her baby while ‘clearly drunk and high’.
:::¬†Because if you’re gonna go for it – GO¬†BIG!¬†:::¬†

crackshirtThey did a little legal looky-loo and found a bottle of oxycodone and a tin with white powder in the baby’s crib before spying broken glass, ant killer, spray paint and knives scattered on floor of the baby’s room.

Knowing that Cartel Chic isn’t all the rage in nursery design, Johnny Law got to suspectin’ that Mommy Dreariest and baby daddy¬†Marc Rush might not be such primo parents and arrested the duncetastic duo on child neglect charges.

Oh sure, sure¬†— it all sounds pretty harsh right now and all, but you just KNOW the cherished family¬†retelling of¬†¬†‘the time mommy’s boozified tatas got her busted’ is gonna be¬†THE highlight at Junior’s sweet 16!

Yup – that’s gonna be soooooome party!


March 23, 2009 at 5:02 pm 3 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Day

 Some dumb bitch in Ohio is in hot water for breast-feeding her child and talking on the phone while driving.

No — she’s not a dumb bitch because she was breast-feeding. I’m not even going to get into that argument, it’s so 1994! Breast-feeding is a beautifully wonderfully natural enterprise that I wholly support.

And no —¬†she’s not a dumb bitch because she was on her cellphone. It’s a necessary and totally rewarding endeavor that I wholly support.
** Unless she wasn’t using a Bluetooth earpiece while driving. If she was holding that shit up to one ear — then, yes,¬†she is a dumb bitch for being on her cellphone. **

This idiot is¬†a dumb bitch because she thinks it’s ok to do feed and chat, in tandem, while steering her mom-mobile through morning traffic.

And she earns dumb fucking bitch honors because she doesn’t care that¬†her own child’s safety is the reason there is a LAW requiring drivers to put¬†childern under four years old or under 40 pounds in a safety seat.

“When my baby wants to eat, she wants to eat and I’m not gonna listen to that all across town to Kettering and back everyday,” Genine Compton said.

So you’re annoyed by the sound of your own baby?
Uh huh – s’cool and all — but instead of going full retard on the expressway, how about the really renegade move of pulling the fuck OVER!!!

Don’t get all militant la leche league pissypants on me, because I don’t
gives a rats ass if you breast feed your brat in public. 

Go for it!
Whip that bad boob out and go to town for all I care …

… just don’t do it on the way to town, which is exactly what she did.

Police were alerted to the situation when a passing motorist called to report the multitasker, saying “I tried to say something to her.¬†She literally has the little girl on the steering wheel and I said, ‘I can’t believe you have that kid in your lap and she said, ‘You want to pop your titty out and breastfeed this kid?’ That’s what she said to me. I’m like, ‘You can feed your kid when you stop.’ It’s, like, wet out here. It’s full of traffic. It’s ridiculous. She’s got, like, three other kids in the car.”¬†

“Our issue is not the fact that this woman was breast-feeding in public,” Kettering Officer Michael Burke said, adding the dumb bitch would have been charged even if the child was just sitting on her lap.

“Our issue is that she created the condition that placed her child’s health and safety at risk.”

Only she’s too much of a dumb bitch to give a shit.

So be alert, Ohioans!

In order to avoid her next ticket, this dumb bitch just may put one of her other little dickens in the driver’s seat!



March 2, 2009 at 6:13 pm 11 comments

In His name?

No NO NO!!!
That is not how you do it, you sick fuckuva twisted wackjob!
:::¬† … which would normally be a tag of glory but, in this case, it means you’ve summited Mt. Dumbass — plant your flag, moron! :::

Time was a barbecue sandwich and some juice after Sunday school¬†was all it took to lure the faithful … I guess we’re doin’ it differently these days

Ugh … cue the crazy …

troy_ian_brisport_20090215174926_320_240Johnny Law over in Ohio has charged God’s little soldier, Troy Brisport, ——>
with kidnapping, ransom/sheild hostage and felonious assault for handcuffing some poor bitch, gagging her, stripping her naked then dressing her up in …
::: Nooo — it’s not that kind of story!!! :::

… dressing her up in an adult diaper while he …
::: nuh uh … not that kind either :::

… while he read Bible passages to her … for four tragically theologified days!
From the Book of Retard 8:38-19:
“For He is convinced that only an emergency dispatcher will be able to separate the supposed sinner from the sick fuckery being done in His name
at the Tamarack Creek Apartments.‚ÄĚ

Police say the 13th Apostle picked up his victim Wednesday night in Detroit and drove her to his apartment after she told him she had nowhere to stay.

The Master’s messenger must¬†give one sorryass sermon¬†because, at some point, the kidnapee fell asleep, which is when the kidnapper did as the shreiking voices in his head his Lord and Savior instructed and put his prey on hardcore house arrest!
::: Who’s a kinky Christian?!? Whooooz a kinky Christian?!?¬† YOU are!!! :::

Rev. Gotitwrong apparently also tried Рseveral times Рto suffocate his disinclined disciple using a pillow and blanket.
::: … the power of Christ compelled him … :::

I guess giving his testimony must just be, like, way harder and stuff these days because, after all that work, Troy The Thickheaded got a major case of the sleepies and went all nite-nite.

“And the¬†sufferer broke 20 kinds of free and ran walked stumbled into the¬†sun light parking lot to call 9-1-1 … and it was good.” Morons 25:36-27

Have fun ministering in County, dickweed!


February 18, 2009 at 4:43 pm 17 comments

House pet FAIL

What kind of dumbass keeps a primate as a house pet?

No no — serious question.
Because we’re not talking about some freaky Michael Jackson ‘mules you can put out to the back 40 and get your ‘isn’t he cuuuuuuute?’ on when you want to go all ‘exotic’.

We’re talking about our [wild] evolutionary brothers from a very¬†[wild] different mother who, as adults, have at least five times the strength of humans …¬†and who¬†even the first-rate researchifyers over at the Jane Goodall Institute agree¬†are meant to live in the wild, not in our homes.

And so again, I ask …¬†

What Kind of?
Keeps A Goddamned PRIMATE?

Some dumbass in Stamford, Connecticut – that’s who!
::: … although, technically, she doesn’t keep one anymore … :::

Meet Sandra Herold.
::: Hi Sandra! :::
Sandra is a 70-year-old woman who¬†owns¬†owned a 200-pound¬†‘celebrity pet’ chimpanzee¬†named Travis.
::: Hi Travis! :::

Trav – a¬†chimp who is said to have been toilet trained, could dress himself, ate at the table, could use a computer and reportedly starred in Old Navy and Coca-Cola commercials —¬†used a key to let himself out of Herold’s house last night.

He was out there, gettin’¬†all rampagey — attacking police cars, police men and Herold’s 50-something soon-to-be former friend — when the po po had to make ol’ Trav a permanent kind of dead.
::: Chimpi .. uhh no, that’s just sad … :::

According to reports, “Travis was being bad.”¬†He’d biggie-sized¬†an outburst but calmed down long enough for Herold to get him back in the house and give him a nice hot cuppa¬†Xanax-laced tea.
::: … mmm, yeah … but that one’s tricky ‘cuz ya hafta¬†get the pill-to-water ratio just righ … uhh,¬†well, umm … whaa … ACK – nothing! Nevermind!!¬†:::¬†

021609-chimp-fire-zoom1Bitch must’ve¬† messed up the mix because, moments later, just as Charla Nash was getting out of her car, Travis channeled his inner abuser and brought a beatdown so severe it put¬†her in the hospital with serious facial injuries after losing a ‘tremendous amount of blood.’
::: J. Fred Muggs would NOT approve!!! :::

Things got all stabby when Herold tried to pry her mate off Nash but, c’mon … how well do you think a Q-Tip’s gonna do against a marauding beast?
Ya — juuuust well enough to know when it’s time to haul ass back to the house and call for backup!

Police¬†arrived and Trav got to chargin’ … then¬†he smashed a car window and opened the door to a cruiser where an officer was hiding like a girl taking cover …
… and¬†that’s when things got all shooty.

Travis met the business end that officer’s gun several times before he ran¬†back to the house … and died.¬†

Oh the tragedy!
Oh the sadness!!

If only there’d been some WARNING that celebrichimp might go apeshit!!!

Wait. What’s that you say?
Oh, that’s riiiight!

Most folks remember dude’s rather public run-in with the law a couple of years ago when he escaped from an SUV and went running through the streets.
More than a dozen officers were dispatched that time.
::: I’m guessing there was a LOT more Xanax at at least two tranq guns¬†involved that time. Am I right? Am I right?? .:::

So what did we learn today, kiddies?

No¬†matter how many Old Navy spots he snags … no matter how much coin he banks your butt¬†— he’s¬†still a PRIMATE, complete with all those wildly unpredictable, might rip your nose off, deadly¬†PRIMATE tendencies.

Highly-trained, unique, special and just a few Darwin’s¬†shy of human¬†does not a safe house pet make.

… now if you’ll excuse me, my¬†Chilean Rose Tarantulas and Argentinian Puma need to be fed …¬†


February 17, 2009 at 4:56 pm 3 comments

Pinellas pinheads strike again

I remember when even the most severe case of the huffy puffies only got you a trip to the principal’s office.
::: HI Mr. Fischer!!! :::

But these days?
Well, let’s just say they do it a little differently now …
… at least in Pinellas County, Florida!
::: You can always count on Flaaaahriduh! :::

tantrumLast week, a kid in Largo had what I have to assume was just THE most stupendously colossal conniption in the history of all conniption fits ever because — instead of making him kick it old school in the corner for the day or write ‘I will not invoke the name of Satan and wish death to rain from the skies’ 1,000 times on the blackboard — his drama queen teachers pulled the ‘bitchass kid is crazy‘ card and had his adolescent ass locked the fuck UP!

Ayep — they Baker Acted a second grader.

Authorities say the 7-year-old boy threw a tantrum so Titanic that his classroom had to be evacuated.
::: Really?!? Do tell!! :::

The child allegedly:
Stepped on a teacher’s foot
::: awwww, someone gots a owchie! :::
Tore up the room
::: NOT gold-star behavior, Johnny! :::
And “battered” a school administrator
::: Oooo, now that one does sound serious! :::

That can’t be right — can it?!?

I mean how, exactly, does a 7-year-old ‘batter’ an adult?
They weigh, what? About 55 pounds at that age?
That’s a bag of sweet feed, the big Bil Jac or a few gallons of water, right?
What adult can’t hoist that shit over one shoulder and carry the tempestuous little tadpole straight to the timeout room?

Ooooo — I KNOW! I KNOW!!

Ones who enjoy scaring the crappy cafeteria lunch out of the rest of the class?!?!?
DING DING DING – I think we have a winner!!!
::: Do not FUCK with Mr. Stempley, brats! That dick will put your little snotnosed ass aWAY!! :::

In case you didn’t know …
The Baker Act allows people [7-year-olds] to be taken for mental health examination against their [7-year-old] will. But it requires a [7-year-old] person show a substantial likelihood of causing serious injury to himself or others. Absent that, police cannot use the Baker Act to take [7-year-olds] someone into custody against their [7-year-old] will, even if they think the [7-year-old] person needs help.

Largo deputy police Chief John Carroll said putting Junior in lockdown was the right thing because “This was not the first time the boy had acted up.”
::: Wait. I’m confused … did he act up or did he throw the mother of all way super deadly dangerous tantrums?!? ‘Cuz there’s, like, a really, Really, REALLY huge difference between the two … IJS …:::

“That’s not the purpose of the Baker Act at all,” Raine Johns, who handles Baker Act cases for two Florida counties but¬† is not involved in this case. “Stepping on somebody’s foot doesn’t rise to the level of substantial bodily harm.”
::: Well someone had his daily allowance of common sense for breakfast! :::

The boy spent a night at Morton Plant Hospital before being seen by a child psychologist and then released … with no charges being filed.
::: … mmmm hmmmmm… :::

This is a total abuse of police power,” said the boy’s father. “My son has no mental health problems. He’s never hurt himself. He’s never hurt anyone else.”

Oh, don’t worry, dad! It’s not like you’re kid is special or anything!!
Well, not where YOU live, anyway.

Pinellas schools police report they have been involved throwing students in the psych ward 83 times from the beginning of the school year to the start of last week.
::: Now that’s a commitment to commitment!! :::

The boy’s parents are keeping him and a 9-year-old sister out of school because they’re “scared to death” to return.

Sounds solid and all and I’d probably do the same thing but … umm … a word of caution, folks?
Your school system incarcerated your kid for havin’ a hissy … do you really want to find out how they handle truancy?!?


February 15, 2009 at 2:14 pm 12 comments

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