Archive for July, 2009

What the funk?!

Thirty-four Fort Worthians had their buns hauled to area hospitals yesterday after what was originally thought to be a poisonous gas leak at a downtown Bank of America building turned out to be someone’s funk ass perfume.

“Two employees reported some dizziness in close association with someone spraying on some perfume,” a fire department official said.
He said that when the two reported being dizzy to a supervisor, “an announcement was made over the building’s PA system saying that anyone feeling these symptoms should exit the building to an outside location.”

And, shock of shocks! Total fucking PANIC ensued.

Fire Department officials referred to the episode as an example of collective “psychosomatic behavior.”

Medical experts often refer to such episodes as “contagious fear.”

The Cookie believes the episode was actually the result of “the testing of Amy Winehouse’s new fragrance.”


July 31, 2009 at 12:28 pm 1 comment

Geek Treat

It’s ok to enjoy it …

July 30, 2009 at 10:29 am

Jailhouse crock

Well booby hooby hoo!

Accused billionaire Texas swindler
<—— Robert Allen Stanford doesn’t like being behind bars so much and he’s pitching a pissy hissy in hopes it’ll get his ass moved to nicer digs.

Stanford is being held without bond at the Joe Corley Detention Facility while he waits to be tried on charges he bilked investors out of about $7 BILLION over the last decade.

His lawyer, Dick DeGuerin, filed a motion to have Stanford moved, calling conditions at the jail “oppressive.”

The motion says Stanford’s being held in a windowless cell with eight to 10 other men and that the power’s been on the blink at the clink resulting in no A/C for at least a week.

Now, ok – I’ll grant you that being confined like that during the hottest part of the year means you’re basically sitting in an oven and I’m down with the fact that being forced to sit in an oven sucks major ass.
I’ll even go you one further and admit that I totally dig that little document we call the Constitution, which generally guarantees prisoner rights under the 8th Amendment.

But if they’re not prepared to move every other inmate being forced to bake his buns in the same boiler, then I gotta say this move would smack of preferential treatment and that’s too big a crock of shit to swallow sober.

Sorry Stanford!
But hey, instead of bitching and moaning about all this dark, sweaty time you’ve got on your hands — maybe try being a glass half full kind of guy!
Yeah, that’s the ticket!
Don’t think of the stinky man stew that is your cell as punishment. Think of it as possible preparation!

See! Always a bright side! 🙂


July 29, 2009 at 1:45 pm

Nekkid nymph a no-no

If ever there was a time for the “less government” argument …

The Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board brought a big ol’ deep-fried Southern Hayull tew thuh Naw! to a wine label featuring *HORROR* a  nude nymph.
::: Not so fast you wine-swilling sinners! :::

winelabeluproarThe label on Cycles Gladiator wine, —–>
produced by Hahn Family Wines in Soledad, Calif., shows a vintage 1895 bicycle advertising poster with a nude nymph flying beside a winged bicycle.

Alabama liquor regulations prohibit labels that are ‘offensive’ or ‘immodest’ and so the booze board has instructed restaurants and stores not to sell this evil-whore devil’s brew.

Hahn Family Wines president Bill Leigon says the wine has been sold nationwide without any complaints … until now Alabama.

How fitting …

Alabama: Because being backward is WORK, y’all!

P.S. — Just a wild guess, but I take it I won’t be buying these the next time I visit the fam either, eh? Poopy …

July 28, 2009 at 12:50 am 4 comments


A 33-year-old San Antonio woman is charged with capital murder after decapitating her newborn son and then trying to kill herself with a kitchen knife.

According to the police report, when officers arrived her home Sunday, they found the Otty Sanchez’s newborn son in a back bedroom.

Sanchez told officers that the devil made her kill her child, the report stated.

“That leads us to believe she was experiencing some type of mental crisis when this incident happened,” Rios said.




July 27, 2009 at 5:30 pm 3 comments

Touched by an angel

Feet up — flip-flops barely hangin’ on — gettin’ my Mojito on and takin’ in the sunset along the Intracoastal at The Old House this weekend, I was all, ‘Life just doesn’t get any better than this!’

But then it did.
Because she walked in.

A glistening summer ray of delicate womanity so exceptional mere mortals dare not rest eyes too long for they would certainly go blind from the unfathomable ferociousness of her infinite beauty.

Behold the sun-damaged Herbal Essence Chardonnay Shimmery locks! The desiccated body bark!! The overtipped French Maniclaw as it guides an unsuspecting bottle of Bud [aka Heaven’s Nectar] toward the gaping maw of celestial refinement!!!

You just can’t fake that kind of intrinsic sophistication and class!!

Her grace so overwhelmed me that I wanted to climb atop the seawall guardrail and command to the masses:
“Bow down in the presence of so rare a gem, commoners!! Bow DOWN!”

But I dared not for fear that the good Lord himself would intervene and end my shit if I dared distrurb the tasetful pursuits of his most elegant angel.

Instead, I paid sloshy, yet silent homage to the careworn cougar, wished her well on her midday pub crawl and returned to the humdrum, ordinary existence of the non-chosen — wholly satisfied with my place in life now that I’d been blessed to spend even the most nano of seconds in the presence of such flawless femininity.

Glide on golden goddess… glide on …


July 27, 2009 at 3:40 pm 8 comments

Happy National Tequila Day, Bitches!!

Roll out the Red Carpet to celebrate!

What goes in it:
11/2 oz Patrón Silver Tequila
1/2 ounce Patrón Citrónge Orange Liqueur
fresh raspberry juice
dash organic cranberry juice
fresh lime juice
gold sugar rim
orange wedge dipped in gold sugar for garnish

How to make it:
Wet the rim of a cocktail glass using an orange or lime wedge.
Rim the wet with gold sugar, shake off excess sugar and set aside
Pour the liquid ingredients into a cocktail shaker filled with ice.
Shake well.
Strain into the prepared cocktail glass.
Garnish with an orange wedge dipped in gold sugar.


July 24, 2009 at 10:40 am 2 comments

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