Archive for July, 2009
What the funk?!
Thirty-four Fort Worthians had their buns hauled to area hospitals yesterday after what was originally thought to be a poisonous gas leak at a downtown Bank of America building turned out to be someone’s funk ass perfume.
“Two employees reported some dizziness in close association with someone spraying on some perfume,” a fire department official said.
He said that when the two reported being dizzy to a supervisor, “an announcement was made over the building’s PA system saying that anyone feeling these symptoms should exit the building to an outside location.”
And, shock of shocks! Total fucking PANIC ensued.
Fire Department officials referred to the episode as an example of collective “psychosomatic behavior.”
Medical experts often refer to such episodes as “contagious fear.”
The Cookie believes the episode was actually the result of “the testing of Amy Winehouse’s new fragrance.”
Jailhouse crock
Well booby hooby hoo!
Accused billionaire Texas swindler
<—— Robert Allen Stanford doesn’t like being behind bars so much and he’s pitching a pissy hissy in hopes it’ll get his ass moved to nicer digs.
Stanford is being held without bond at the Joe Corley Detention Facility while he waits to be tried on charges he bilked investors out of about $7 BILLION over the last decade.
His lawyer, Dick DeGuerin, filed a motion to have Stanford moved, calling conditions at the jail “oppressive.”
The motion says Stanford’s being held in a windowless cell with eight to 10 other men and that the power’s been on the blink at the clink resulting in no A/C for at least a week.
Now, ok – I’ll grant you that being confined like that during the hottest part of the year means you’re basically sitting in an oven and I’m down with the fact that being forced to sit in an oven sucks major ass.
I’ll even go you one further and admit that I totally dig that little document we call the Constitution, which generally guarantees prisoner rights under the 8th Amendment.
But if they’re not prepared to move every other inmate being forced to bake his buns in the same boiler, then I gotta say this move would smack of preferential treatment and that’s too big a crock of shit to swallow sober.
Sorry Stanford!
But hey, instead of bitching and moaning about all this dark, sweaty time you’ve got on your hands — maybe try being a glass half full kind of guy!
Yeah, that’s the ticket!
Don’t think of the stinky man stew that is your cell as punishment. Think of it as possible preparation!
See! Always a bright side! 🙂
Nekkid nymph a no-no
If ever there was a time for the “less government” argument …
The Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board brought a big ol’ deep-fried Southern Hayull tew thuh Naw! to a wine label featuring *HORROR* a nude nymph.
::: Not so fast you wine-swilling sinners! :::
The label on Cycles Gladiator wine, —–>
produced by Hahn Family Wines in Soledad, Calif., shows a vintage 1895 bicycle advertising poster with a nude nymph flying beside a winged bicycle.
Alabama liquor regulations prohibit labels that are ‘offensive’ or ‘immodest’ and so the booze board has instructed restaurants and stores not to sell this evil-whore devil’s brew.
Hahn Family Wines president Bill Leigon says the wine has been sold nationwide without any complaints … until now Alabama.
How fitting …
Alabama: Because being backward is WORK, y’all!
P.S. — Just a wild guess, but I take it I won’t be buying these the next time I visit the fam either, eh? Poopy …
Well … DUUUHHHH!
A 33-year-old San Antonio woman is charged with capital murder after decapitating her newborn son and then trying to kill herself with a kitchen knife.
According to the police report, when officers arrived her home Sunday, they found the Otty Sanchez’s newborn son in a back bedroom.
Sanchez told officers that the devil made her kill her child, the report stated.
“That leads us to believe she was experiencing some type of mental crisis when this incident happened,” Rios said.
YA THINK?!?!?
Life Is A Cookie 
This is the shit you bitches are saying