Posts filed under ‘odd’

Orange Is The New Blech


It’s been a whore-red hot minute since I left my last Cookie crumbs for you bitches to chew on.

Let’s recap:

My boyfriend had just been elected to his second term, I was at the genesis of what I hope remains a lifelong love of international travel, and you guys were too nice to publicly out me for beginning to dilute the special sauce that had, for the better part of 6 years, made my version of snark just a super-thick slice of splendiferous.

I was.

I can admit it.

I hadn’t exactly gone full-on dosser, mind you, but I was toning it down a bit.

Or trying to.

Cuz things were good-ish, man!

I mean, sure, we still had to deal with the same lameass hateful bagodicks we always did (and sadly, always will). Child-hurters, rapists, murderers, racists, warmongers, bigots, Republicans and, well, you get the picture – Fuckers fulfilling flagitous feats of fuckery!!!

But it was also a time of technological progress, an actual canyabeileve it noticeable uptick on issues of tolerance, and an overarching renewed global purpose to take better care of this rock on which we remain (before it’s too late, before we, too, are turned to rubble).

I felt like the universe was signaling an invitation for The Cookie to investigate some chill.

And I did!

I was rockin’ that shit like it was my J-O-B!

Traveling, writing for my literary side piece, reading, meditating, painting, volunteering … you get it. I was producing. I was creating, I was BIZZAY!

But then it started happening.

::: The snowball, the boiling frog, the derailed train of progress :::

The terrible horrible badness was actually happening!

trump-supporters

A thing so dark, so grotesquely manifest it hardly seems possible there could even exist in the universe  a collection of molecules so malevolent, so intellectually and emotionally mangled, so completely misaligned with the concepts of basic humanity!

And yet, it’s out there.

::: OUT out there — no need for hoods or secret meetings now :::

It exists.

It walks among us.

This thing found a foothold of fakery on which to climb a mountain of misinformation and plant a flag for universal hatred and the solidarity of stupidity right there at the summit.

This thing so deplorable, so dreadful, so dire it utterly and completely crushed my cocoon of contentment, stomped the fuck out of my faith in the future and compelled me to dust off The Cookie once more to say take note, take cover and go and get your prayer ON.

Frealz tots– all of us precious snowflakes waking up to 2017 this morning looking to be hopeful about the future should start by getting down on our knees, putting our hands to the sky and all-out Bless. It.The. Fuck. UP! for the wholly lame and limited lifespan these next four years of fuckery deserve.

Because it’s happening.

Happy New EWWWWWWWW, bitches!

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Hashtag garden:
#unfittoserve #unfitforoffice #unpresidential #trumpamerikkka #stophate #endracism #nomysogeny #resist #resistance #equality #equalrights #work4peace

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January 1, 2017 at 2:15 pm 2 comments

Happy Birthday Big Jeezy!


And to those of you who didn’t get what you wanted … deal.

It’s not time to clock out just yet. 😉

252_22958_9fa125f460bb81d861f4e5f086eaae58

Merry Merry!

XOXO — Cookie

P.S. – Cookie Toss This Week 😉

December 25, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Well SOMEONE didn’t get the memo!!


I mean, really, this is basic ‘Ho Code 101’ shit, people.

The bottom-line, the guiding principle, THE golden fucking RULE when you’re bumpin’ fuglies with prominent, married public figures (or, ok, well, anyone who’s initials are NOT YOUR SPOUSE) is to take a chill on workin’ your grill.

It’s that simple.

No need for discussion!

It is immorality’s universally accepted imperative, for chrissakes!!

Yet, every few fornications there comes along some slut who just can’t keep it shut.

From Dynasty cast member wannabe Gennifer Flowers to dimestore hooker doppelganger Jaimee Grubbs to the demented and diapered Lisa Nowak — there’s always some skank who slips up and spoils the secret sexy times by spilling something she shouldn’t have.

Thanks a lot, Paula Broadwell!

Because of you tryin’ to go and blackmail a bitch over email and everything, poor David Petraeus now must foray back into the field of contraband coochie to find some stupid new streetwalker to screw.

Nice.

But the real tragedy here is far worse than whatever future befalls dear David … or you … .

The real tragedy here is bigger, Paula … because it affects me.

Yes, Paula … the catastrophic consequences of your exasperatingly irritating email tirades mean that I now must go buy an ax, find a frickin’ forest, cut down a tree, chop that shit up, build a frickin’ fire, heat up a poker and GOUGE MY FUCKING EYES OUT
in an attempt to rid myself of the mental image of David’s sad old doggy dick doin’ The Cabbage Patch in yet another whore’s hoo-ha!

I live in fucking FLORIDA, Paula!
Do you have any idea how far I have to drive before I wind up in the woods?!?

Fucking FAR, Paula!!

Fucking.
FAR.

ACK!!!

It didn’t have to end like this, Paula.

Or maybe it did.

Because there’s always one hot ho mess out there like you, isn’t there Paula?

Oh yeah there is.

Take it to the bank, gents! 😉

November 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm 4 comments

Hold EVERYTHING!!!


Forget death and disease!
Forget natural disasters!!
Forget politics!!!

Forget EVERYTHING currently going on in any corner, crevice or crack of the entire and known thing we call THE UNIVERSE
because no event, no occurrence, no happening anywhere is anywhere nearly as interesting, as extraordinary or as singularly significant as what has taken place in that teeny tiny wee little underpopulated location we call China JUST this very weekend!!!!

Chinese Break World Mattress Dominoes Record

OHHH!
EMMMM!!
GEEEEEEE!!!

Is there no deed, development or feat of derring-do the peeps of the planet’s most populous place do not dominate?!?

Seems NOT!

It all went down in a Shanghai shopping mall on Saturday, where China state media approvingly reported that “volunteers, mostly domino lovers, first carefully arranged and leaned against 1,001 mattresses … being careful not to fall back and ruin the rally before it even started.

Can’t you just imagine the chaos if the group of Guinnes go-getters hadn’t been “mostly domino lovers”?!?
Thank GOD they left nothing to chance!!

Cheng Dong, an authenticator from the Guinness World Records, breaks it all down for us …

“For an event like this involving 1,000 people to succeed first time is not just about luck.”
::: Fuck no it’s not! :::

“All other conditions must be correct.”
::: Don’t even argue. They just MUST, OK?!? :::

“First of all, all the participants must fully understand the rules.”
::: Which are basically boiled down to ‘don’t fuck it up!’ :::

“Second, our volunteers were all very brave.”
::: Oh yes. A brave, brave battalion of cushion commandos, indeed! :::

Oh, but victory is fleeting and there is truly no rest for burned out bed bombers!

Because the challenge is born anew, bitches!!

Because just a scant few months ago, it was an American assembly of 850 pallet pilots from the holy grail of all things bed — La Quinta Inns and Suites — who were crowned the officially authenticated Guinness World Record holders for achieving the Largest Human Mattress Dominoes endeavor!

Do we hear 1001, America?!?!?

U-S-A!
U-S-A!!

July 16, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Boo is BACK, bitches!!!!!


BOO LIVESEnd the panic!
Bring the YAY!!
SMILE EARTH DWELLERS!!!

For Friday the 13th is NOT a bad-luck day and life as we know it is NOT, in fact, coming to an end!!

Because it’s not true.

Because he Is ALIVE!!!!!

Mah (newest) BOO is ALIVE, y’all!!!!

ALIVE!!!!!!

As in not dead!!!!!!!!

Boo is BACK!THERE JUST AREN’T ENOUGH EXCLAMATION POINTS TO CAPTURE THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS DEVELOPMENT!!!!!!!!!

Awful, horrible, heinous people were spreading  awful, horrible, heinous rumors over the interwebs yesterday that Boo — the cutest, cuddliest, most captivating canine ever to set paw on the planet — was just a desperate little piece of D-E-A-D, sparking worldwide SADZ!

‘… Boo is dead? This is traumatizing,’ one devotee to the little doggie wrote.
::: *sniff :::
‘You will live forever on the Internet,’ wrote another.
::: WAAHHH! :::

Frownie faces everywhere!
Until today!

Today, when God parted the clouds, opened the heavens and mercifully rained down showers of shiny, sweet, golden kisses of AHHHHHH as the truth was revealed.

BOO LIVES!!!

And life is good again.
On Friday, the 13th.
The day before the Greeneyedgirl’s birthday.

AHHHHHHHH

🙂

SOURCE

April 13, 2012 at 10:55 pm 1 comment

ALL HAIL BB!!


Yesterday bore witness to a mighty feat!

A Major Accomplishment!!

A MONUMENTOUS EVENT!!!

… and you missed it …

… a fact that would normally make me put on a big ol’ boo-hoo frowny face for you, except — this time — I don’t have to.

Because you were saved.

SAVED!

Saved by my Birmingham Buddette — who’s name shall remain a secret but who’s initials are The Most Magnificent Mom and Marvelous Motorist Extraordinaire To Infinity EVAR!!!!

SAVED!

Because she’s a hero like that.

ALL HAIL BB!!

Because while you and Flo Rida were gettin’ your collective ‘Good Feeling’ on, she was diverting DOOM by keeping her shit all kinds of together while witnessing nothing short of all-out hitchhiking hijackery — on her windsheild!

BEHOLD!

Hitchhiking Hot Slut

Questions abound!

How was the runaway reptile able to sustain the shanghai at speeds in excess of 70 miles per hour?!

How did my Birmingham Budette manage to operate her automobile under such dire circumstances?!?

How did that lizard stay latched on for more than 20 miles?!?!

How many of you motorists passed this public phenomenon – completely unaware you could have borne witness to one of the most treacherous treks in all of known history dating back to the  invention of the WHEEL in the most ancient of times?!?!?!

Ohhhh, make no mistake about it, people!

THIS will undoubtedly go down as one of history’s GREAT mysteries!

Because the critter certainly has no comment and my Birmingham Buddette’s far too fly to divulge the deets before the book deal’s done!

… and you missed it

ALL HAIL BB!!

March 27, 2012 at 3:34 pm 2 comments

This much I know


I am no Mr. Blackwell
::: but hey, technically neither is he, since he’s dead ‘n all … :::

I am no Joan Rivers
::: thank GAWD!!! :::

I am no Heidi Klum
::: but I pretend to be every Thursday night at Sammi … err, uhh, nevermind … :::

I am no high and mighty fashion critic.
I’m a fashion ICON!

As in ‘Icon see that shit and that shit ain’t right!’

And this shit ain’t right! —–>

It’s wrongness exists on several levels, but let’s not go into the granular details lest The Situation wannabe at my local LA Fitness who tormented MY EYES this very afternoon feel compelled to divert his rufie and hair gel savings and put it toward the kind of marrow-level in-depth psychoanalysis his entire being is so desperately crying out for.

No.
Let’s not do that.
We simply don’t have that kind of time.

But address the all-out fuckery that IS those shorts – WE MUST!

Because they aren’t shorts.
Or Pants.
Or Shants.
Or Ports.

Those, my friends, are culottes, okay?

Fucking culottes.

As in women’s fashion trousers circa 1978!!!

As in kinda ok these days for (women who do) yoga but not much else.

So stop it, douchebag.
Because it’s annoying to watch you try to be all testeroney as you priss and strut and flex and grunt while wearing those ridiculous things.
Because it doesn’t work.
Because it doesn’t make you look muscular, or masculine or, well, much of anything remotely, uhh, male.

It makes you look like my Aunt Carol.

‘Nuff said.

There’s a Sports Authority at Southern and 441.
Visit the men’s clothing section pronto because, DAYUM!

November 20, 2011 at 9:24 pm 4 comments

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