Archive for October, 2009

Happy Halloween, Bitches!


Trick or Treat
Take a seat
‘Cuz pretty soon
You’ll feel the heat

Your head will burn
Your bod will ache
You’ll wonder what
You’ll have to take

To bid adieu
To the big ACHOO!
That’s coming through
‘Cuz I just gave you SWINE FLU!

(let’s be careful out there this weekend kiddies)

SOURCE

October 30, 2009 at 10:03 am

FOTY CANDIDATE!!!!


Adam Manning don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies, but that bitch for DAMN sure knows how to get his Bud on!

manningThe 30-year-old first-time father-to-be brought his baby mamma to the emergency room of Utah’s McKay-Dee Hospital to get her birth on when his beady, bloodshot eyes spied nurse hotty-totty and he lost his gat DAMN mind!
::: Daddy DOUCHE! :::

He is reported to have ‘looked her up and down’, commented on how attractive she was and told her she was ‘cute’.
::: Devoted Dad / Protective Partner / Mature Male FAIL FAIL FAIL!!! :::

The nurse apparently ignored his inebriated advances and moved to the other side of mom’s wheelchair, preparing her to go to the delivery room.

Not one to take a turn-down lightly, Manning then told the nurse that she had something wrong with her neck and that he would !!RED FLAG RED FLAG!! massage it for her.

And by ‘massage’ he meant he was gonna get his grope on in the general area of her boobages.
::: ee-ERR ee-ERR :::

fotyWhen the R(eally)N(ot impressed gropee) asked what
inthegoddamnedfuckinghell
he was doing, Manning’s wife or girlfriend or enabler or whatever she is responded that he was ‘just drunk’.
::: FUN FACT: That’s not ‘just’ drunk – THAT is ‘piss’ drunk! :::

The Ogden Police were called and promptly booked the nurse booby-grabber on charges of felony forcible sexual abuse.

And if you didn’t figure it out by now — yes, he missed the birth of his first child.

Now THAT’S a baby story the whole family will enjoy sharing for generations!!

SOURCE

October 29, 2009 at 10:08 am 2 comments

There is a special place, indeed …


And – if convicted – I hope that these sick chicks get there ASAP and that their blood boils continuously, their flesh burns eternally and they are forced into forever fuckey times with the business end of Satan’s pitchfork!

That might be fitting punishment … I’m not sure.

The SB’s involved are teacher’s aides Kristina Marie Kallies and Julie Ann Parish (that’s Parish right there … Kallies is somewhere in Texas, maybe).

As part of their jobs, they are charged with helping to educate and care for the precious cargo under their control.

As part of some truly heinous allegations that have surfaced, they are now also charged with felony assault and a misdemeanor slap of endangering the welfare of at least one of the precious packages they were supposed to protect.

And just what did they do?

Well, according to court docs, these bitches fucking WATER-BOARDED a 13-year-old autistic child who cannot speak, forced him to sit in soiled pants for hours and made him eat his own vomit when he got sick.
::: Beelzebitches! :::

Garrett Schilling’s mother Tifonie said she learned of the alleged abuse in April 2008, when another staff member sent her an e-mail warning her about the asshatted teacher’s aides.

She wrote: “He was having water-boarding-like torture done to him on a frequent basis. They were holding his head under the water.”
::: If he’s my son, this is where I’d have to be forcibly restrained from gettin’ 20 kinds of mutilationay medieval on someone’s ass :::

Maria Bubb, a substitute teacher in Garrett’s classroom in October and November of 2008, said in court documents that the staff was “mean and degrading” to Garrett, and that Kallies would “point her finger in his face and scream at him.”

Other teachers testified that they saw Garrett’s head held under running water and witnessed him being forced to sit in his feces for hours.

And as if that wasn’t bad enough?! – the parents of at least five other children at the school say their kids were abused as well.

— Molly Gillis says her daughter came home from the school ‘on numerous occasions with bite marks, bruises, burnt fingertips and missing hair.’
— The Saali family say their daughter was ‘hit with pens’ leaving her with ‘welts on her neck’. The family also allege their daughter was hit on the head with a pan.
— And the Pepos family says they are ninety-kinds of certain their son spent time locked in a closet.

The Cascade County Attorney’s Office said the investigation remains ongoing and more charges could follow.

Whatever happens, the monstrous Montana menaces better consider themselves fuckin’ lucky as hell that it wasn’t MY kid they tortured, ‘cuz we’d have nipped that shit in the bud from the get-go with a pair of pinking shears, some rubbing alcohol and a whole lotta dry towel swallowage!
::: just sayin’ :::

SOURCE

October 28, 2009 at 10:06 am 1 comment

If I made commercials …


October 27, 2009 at 9:48 am 1 comment

God is good ’till he gets your ass FIRED!


Newspaper Headline: Home Depot worker wears ‘under God’ button, then gets fired

Story (nutshell version): Guy wears ‘One nation under God’ button to work at Home Depot, gets verbal warnings to cut it out but nothing happens ’till he starts bringing his Bible to the biz — then things got all employment terminationey and now he’s whining that Home Depot is anti-God and anti-troops.

Editorial Comment: Seriously?
This shit again?
Not news.

Bottom Line: You tried to get away with something. It didn’t work. Get over it.

Like most businesses, Home Depot has a dress code policy states noncompany buttons, regardless of their message or content, are not allowed.
Don’t like it? Don’t work there.

Company spokesdude Craig Fishel said Home Depot has a “proud history” of supporting the military, and that it sanctions several of its own buttons for employees to wear, including one that reads: “United We Stand.”

United We Stand … yep, I think that’s generally regarded as a universally supportive sentiment. Uh huh.

But Trevor Keezer’s buttonation wasn’t really just about supporting the troops.
“You can’t have country without God,” he said
::: actualy, Trev – you can :::

“Every pin they showed me had no ‘God’ on it or anything.”
::: OH GOD! :::

“I was told [my button] had to come off, or I would be sent home. So they sent me home for six straight days without pay. And then today they terminated me,” he said.
“It never crossed my mind to take off the button because I’m standing for something that’s bigger than I am.
::: Hmmm, bigger than you are … maybe I use that copout so I can wear my ‘Republitards are child touchers’ baby tee to work … :::

“They kept telling me the severity of what you’re doing and I just let God be in control and went with His plan.”
::: Looks like God’s the new Donald Trump, biatch! :::

Keezer says he didn’t set out to make a religious statement [yes he did], but now that he has, he believes he’s done the right thing. [Of course he does – he has to! It makes the unemployment line more tolerable.]

Listen kid, you must just be really new to the whole world of work … so let me break it down for you:
Employers actually do have the right (and sometimes obligation) to tell your hourly ass exactly what you can and cannot wear — otherwise we’d be run amok with camel toe, Daisy Dukes and decolletage …
::: Passable on a Saturday night at One Eyed Jack’s but not so much for the 9-5 :::

… or worse! — Klan garb, religious ridiculousness or *ACK* Palin paraphernalia!

Trust me kid — nobody wants that shit!

SOURCE

October 26, 2009 at 2:43 pm 7 comments

FEAR MAH BOO, BITCHES!!!


We were witness to the most tumultuous time of testosterone turmoil in the entire known history of the planet … and we didn’t even know it!!

See, there was this superserious scientifical researchification that was executed last election eve and the results are 30 kinds of IN!

You ready?
You sure?

Ok then … there now exists laboratory PROOF that my boyfriend is so powerful that he can deflate the collective nutsacks of Republitards everywhere with just his awesomeness alone (thus ensuring appropriate and effective evolution.
::: well, sort of 😉 :::

A study published online by the Public Library of Science (PLOS One) revealed that men who voted for John McCain in last year’s presidential election saw their testosterone levels plummet when they learned he had lost to Barack Obama.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

But no.
This is science.
This is serious stuff here!

Saliva samples [collected using methods I’m not sure I really want to know about] from 163 men on election night showed that dudes who had Big Mac’s back and dudes backing O’Beautiful had similar testosterone levels when the polling stations closed, but the levels of the big T in McCain backers went down harder than Levi Johnston on Bristol Palin when my boyfriend was announced as the winner.
::: This is where I’d normally say ‘suckit losers!’ but, given the facts at hand that may have been just what was needed at the time … just sayin’ :::

Supporters of McCain or Libertarian Party candidate Bob Barr — who the study noted didn’t have a whore’s chance at heaven of getting elected — showed “significantly larger testosterone decreases” than Obama supporters from the time when polls closed to as long as 40 minutes after my boyfriend was declared the glorious new king of America … when they were all testin’ that T by chanting ‘Yes We Did!’ as they got their glittery, rainbow-infused, hopificated FREAK on!

Yeeeaaahhhh … that was a good night 😉

SOURCE

October 23, 2009 at 10:03 am 4 comments

There’s a Rep for that!


Best take-off of the iPhone ads I’ve seen so far … enjoy!

October 22, 2009 at 11:46 pm

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