Year in Review: Blonde Edition

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
 
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
Helllloooo!!! Bottles won’t fit in printer!!!
 
March
Got really excited!! Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months … box said ‘2-4 years!’
 
April
Trapped on escalator for hours! Power went out!!!
 
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid … wrong instructions … 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
 
June
Tried to go water skiing … couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
 
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
 
August
Got locked out of my car in rain  storm … car swamped because soft-top was open.
 
September
The capital of California is ‘C’ … isn’t it???
 
October
Hate M & M’s! They are so hard to peel!!
 
November
Baked turkey for 4½ days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 …
 
December
Couldn’t call 911 … duh! There’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!

Disclaimer: No blondes were harmed in the writing of this hee hee, although I can’t say that for certain as the content is not original to LIAC but merely reformatted and posted here for your non-alcoholic enjoyment, although it may be funnier if you were completely blitzed when you read it and so I suggest you knock a few back and try reading it again to maximize the experience you know you want to have … oh and by the way Cookie is a natural blonde who has been known on occasion to change hair color to satisfy childish whims but the point is that blonde bitches shouldn’t be offended by this shit because it’s hella funny and if you’re a blonde bitch who is offended by this shit then email me privately for the written ass-kicking your delicate white-bred pansy fanny obviously needs as well as the number of a good therapist because you clearly need serious mental attention and pharmaceutical intervention.

THE ANTHEM!! – by Julie Brown

THIS is, like, sooooo not right … ‘n stuff

Hold tight to your Hermès, girlfriends, because this is Hampton’s-Hissy-Fit BIG!

Looks like the The New Great Depression isn’t just for the little people, after all.
::: Chutney — I suggest you sit down for this, sweetie … :::

Chanel and Louis V are being forced to … to …
::: Oooohhh I almost just can’t even bring myself to say it, it’s so awful!!! :::

They are being forced to *gulp* ECONOMIZE!!!!!!!
::: Take it easy, Tinsley! :::

Chanel’s getting ready to lay off 200 staffers in their Paris office and LVMH has cancelled a plan for a Louis Vuitton megastore in the Ginza district of Tokyo.
::: DEEP BREATHS, BRYNN!!! :::

Until recently, luxury brands were in goddamned fucking denial about the had claimed immunity from the growing worldwide Olympic-style economic nosedive.

But the cold bitchslap of reality has left a lingering sting that’s being felt from the boutiques of Paris to the la-tee-dah shoplofts and spas of London to the ostentatious avant-garde expos of New York as the not-so-nouveau-riche-anymore are foregoing their Friday evenings at Fred’s, Diamond Peel Microdermabrasions, Icho Cashmere jackets and caviar eye treatments.
::: Crap, Kiki! Get the salts – I think Mersaydi just had a mild cardiac event … :::

But don’t fault Franck Sorbier, don’t chide Coco and don’t even THINK of blaming Boudicca, bitches!!

This nouveau povertè was a fait accompli before the bailouts began …
… all that greedy moneygrubbiness and fadmongering of years past created such all-out hubris that now the well-off are just like the rest of us — facing, like,  a totally WAY harsh future … ‘n stuff!!

MAJOR sad face, right???
::: But, admit it! You know it’s gonna be 20 kinds of cocktail FUN watching Wilhelmina use a WIC!!! :::

Here we go again …

!!!!! SICK BITCH ALERT !!!!!
!!!!! SICK BITCH ALERT !!!!!
!!!!! SICK BITCH ALERT !!!!!

 

Geez it’s gonna be crowded at the Mother Of The Year awards!

It seems like just yesterday that the hoochie twins were making news for their partiality to little-boy peen … and now we get to add 38-year-old Juli Faunce to our ever-growing ‘Pedo’ file.

But, unlike Tweedle Defective and Tweedle Diseased, Faunce doesn’t go for 13-year-old ass.
Nope! She likes ’em older!
Lean, mean and not a blackhead over 14!!!
::: … can’t drive, can’t shave, can’t stay up past 9 — oh yeah, so much to offer! :::

On Sunday December 28, police were called to her Delaware apartment where Mamma Bad Perm put on her big fat liar face and told the popo that a neighborhood boy had forced her 14-year-old daughter to have sex with him.
::: Little whipperslut!! :::

The fuzz then contacted the boy’s mother who said her son had sex alright — but it was with Mamma Faunce – not her teenage daughter.
::: PREDITORY! :::

Suddenly Juli gets jiggy with the factitudes and admits that *SHOCK* ‘yes, officer, I did have sexual relations with that boy!’ … on at least TWO occasions when he spent the night at her crib in November.

And that mess about Mr. Baby Luvah having sexy times with her daughter?
TrueEWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

SOURCE

Too close for comfort

The fine folks of Pennsylvania had themselves more than just a holiday this weekend — they got their shake-shake on with a real-life earthquake!!
::: YAY!!! Tectonic activit-ay!!! :::

The 3.3 magnitude quake, which was centered in the Salunga-Landisville area of Lancaster County, was also felt as far away as Philadelphia and Baltimore …
… which means it was felt at Three Mile Island, too!!
::: WOO HOO!!! Three Mile Isla … wait. What?!? :::

Partial core meltdown Three Mile Island?
::: I feel the earth move … :::
Full emergency evacuation Three Mile Island?!?
::: under my feet … :::
The most significant accident in the history of the American commercial nuclear power generating industry Three Mile Island?!?!?
::: I feel the sky tumbling down … :::

“We consider this a very minor event, something local,” said Dale Grant, a geophysicist at the USGS’s 24-hour earthquake monitoring office in Golden, Colo.

Oh, whew then … right?

‘Cuz I bet the unexpected and violent movement of the Earth’s crust close enough to be considered pretty much directly beneath the site of one of the worst radiationally enhanced accidents in US history looks MUCH better from about six states away.

Yup! I’m sure it’s all good.

I bet this sort of thing just goes along with the territory if you live in the general vicinity of deformed deer, damaged daisies, curious cases of cancer and decades-long situations of shit going 20 kinds of dead dead dead for which you have zero explanation other than the reassuring government reports of ‘ain’t nothin’ wrong here!!’

YUP! Nuuuuuthing to worry about Pennsylvanians!
Go on about your day …

Cinemania

I could see it over Nazi wargasm Valkyrie …
::: because really — who wants to see that shit?? :::
I could undertand it over the Iron-Nunned Doubt …
::: because, let’s face it, Meryl Streep can do that to you :::
You might even get me to sympathize if it happened during Spirit … 

… but Benjamin Button?!?

You bust a cap in someone’s as … err … ARM over The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?!?!?

How many shades of fucked-in-the-headedness do you have to be to try and ice a bitch over Benjamin Button?

This many —>
That’s all-around glamour puss and South Phillie’s foinest, James Joseph Cialella Jr., who brought the stupid — but no date, we’re pretty sure — to a holiday showing of the Brad Pitt damned-near-three-hour age-a-palooza at the Riverview Theatre.

Seems everything was going along all nice and sweet-like when some dad-son combo started in with the chitchat.

“How’d they do that with his face?”
“SHHHH!”

“Why’s he short like a baby but old man in the face?”
* throws popcorn*
“Hey! SHADDAP already, fuckers!” 

“Is Angelina in this movi …”
” That’s IT, dickweed! I am glocked, locked and READY TO ROCK!!”
::: CHK-CHK :::

Cialella opened fire and dad took one in the arm as frightened moviegoers made a mad dash for the exits.
Then, in true double-douche thumbsucker psychopath fashion, Cialella sat back down and continued to watch the movie.

He is now charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault, and weapons violations.

Ahhhh, the holidays …

Seriously though? This kinda reminds me of that scene in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days … you know the one —  when Andie and Ben are at the movies and the guy behind them gets all ‘shut yer lady up’ and she gets all ‘you can’t talk to me like that’ and they all get all ‘let’s take it out to the hallway’ where Mr. Pissypants Movieguy punches Ben out and gets all ‘I’m going back inside to watch Sleepless In Seattle … Don’t anybody screw with me!’

Yup – JUST like that … except for the shrapnel and gunplay and IV of lactated ringers and all … mmm hmm!