Archive for December, 2008
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
Helllloooo!!! Bottles won’t fit in printer!!!
Got really excited!! Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months … box said ‘2-4 years!’
Trapped on escalator for hours! Power went out!!!
Tried to make Kool-Aid … wrong instructions … 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
Tried to go water skiing … couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
Got locked out of my car in rain storm … car swamped because soft-top was open.
The capital of California is ‘C’ … isn’t it???
Hate M & M’s! They are so hard to peel!!
Baked turkey for 4½ days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 …
Couldn’t call 911 … duh! There’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!
Disclaimer: No blondes were harmed in the writing of this hee hee, although I can’t say that for certain as the content is not original to LIAC but merely reformatted and posted here for your non-alcoholic enjoyment, although it may be funnier if you were completely blitzed when you read it and so I suggest you knock a few back and try reading it again to maximize the experience you know you want to have … oh and by the way Cookie is a natural blonde who has been known on occasion to change hair color to satisfy childish whims but the point is that blonde bitches shouldn’t be offended by this shit because it’s hella funny and if you’re a blonde bitch who is offended by this shit then email me privately for the written ass-kicking your delicate white-bred pansy fanny obviously needs as well as the number of a good therapist because you clearly need serious mental attention and pharmaceutical intervention.
Hold tight to your Hermès, girlfriends, because this is Hampton’s-Hissy-Fit BIG!
Looks like the The New Great Depression isn’t just for the little people, after all.
::: Chutney — I suggest you sit down for this, sweetie … :::
Chanel and Louis V are being forced to … to …
::: Oooohhh I almost just can’t even bring myself to say it, it’s so awful!!! :::
They are being forced to *gulp* ECONOMIZE!!!!!!!
::: Take it easy, Tinsley! :::
Until recently, luxury brands were in goddamned fucking denial about the had claimed immunity from the growing worldwide Olympic-style economic nosedive.
But the cold bitchslap of reality has left a lingering sting that’s being felt from the boutiques of Paris to the la-tee-dah shoplofts and spas of London to the ostentatious avant-garde expos of New York as the not-so-nouveau-riche-anymore are foregoing their Friday evenings at Fred’s, Diamond Peel Microdermabrasions, Icho Cashmere jackets and caviar eye treatments.
::: Crap, Kiki! Get the salts – I think Mersaydi just had a mild cardiac event … :::
But don’t fault Franck Sorbier, don’t chide Coco and don’t even THINK of blaming Boudicca, bitches!!
This nouveau povertè was a fait accompli before the bailouts began …
… all that greedy moneygrubbiness and fadmongering of years past created such all-out hubris that now the well-off are just like the rest of us — facing, like, a totally WAY harsh future … ‘n stuff!!
MAJOR sad face, right???
::: But, admit it! You know it’s gonna be 20 kinds of cocktail FUN watching Wilhelmina use a WIC!!! :::
!!!!! SICK BITCH ALERT !!!!!
!!!!! SICK BITCH ALERT !!!!!
!!!!! SICK BITCH ALERT !!!!!
Geez it’s gonna be crowded at the Mother Of The Year awards!
It seems like just yesterday that the hoochie twins were making news for their partiality to little-boy peen … and now we get to add 38-year-old Juli Faunce to our ever-growing ‘Pedo’ file.
But, unlike Tweedle Defective and Tweedle Diseased, Faunce doesn’t go for 13-year-old ass.
Nope! She likes ’em older!
Lean, mean and not a blackhead over 14!!!
::: … can’t drive, can’t shave, can’t stay up past 9 — oh yeah, so much to offer! :::
On Sunday December 28, police were called to her Delaware apartment where Mamma Bad Perm put on her big fat liar face and told the popo that a neighborhood boy had forced her 14-year-old daughter to have sex with him.
::: Little whipperslut!! :::
The fuzz then contacted the boy’s mother who said her son had sex alright — but it was with Mamma Faunce – not her teenage daughter.
::: PREDITORY! :::
Suddenly Juli gets jiggy with the factitudes and admits that *SHOCK* ‘yes, officer, I did have sexual relations with that boy!’ … on at least TWO occasions when he spent the night at her crib in November.
And that mess about Mr. Baby Luvah having sexy times with her daughter?
The fine folks of Pennsylvania had themselves more than just a holiday this weekend — they got their shake-shake on with a real-life earthquake!!
::: YAY!!! Tectonic activit-ay!!! :::
The 3.3 magnitude quake, which was centered in the Salunga-Landisville area of Lancaster County, was also felt as far away as Philadelphia and Baltimore …
… which means it was felt at Three Mile Island, too!!
::: WOO HOO!!! Three Mile Isla … wait. What?!? :::
Partial core meltdown Three Mile Island?
::: I feel the earth move … :::
Full emergency evacuation Three Mile Island?!?
::: under my feet … :::
The most significant accident in the history of the American commercial nuclear power generating industry Three Mile Island?!?!?
::: I feel the sky tumbling down … :::
“We consider this a very minor event, something local,” said Dale Grant, a geophysicist at the USGS’s 24-hour earthquake monitoring office in Golden, Colo.
Oh, whew then … right?
‘Cuz I bet the unexpected and violent movement of the Earth’s crust close enough to be considered pretty much directly beneath the site of one of the worst radiationally enhanced accidents in US history looks MUCH better from about six states away.
Yup! I’m sure it’s all good.
I bet this sort of thing just goes along with the territory if you live in the general vicinity of deformed deer, damaged daisies, curious cases of cancer and decades-long situations of shit going 20 kinds of dead dead dead for which you have zero explanation other than the reassuring government reports of ‘ain’t nothin’ wrong here!!’
YUP! Nuuuuuthing to worry about Pennsylvanians!
Go on about your day …
… schmegeggie goyim …
Ruh roh … looks like the fat man broke a shitload o’ really good laws last night … at least according to the Libertarians.
ENJOY! (but, umm, don’t tell the kiddies!)
Top Five Reasons Why Santa Belongs In The Slammer:
1.) Every December 25, the illegal immigrant known as Santa Claus crosses the border into the United States without a passport. He carries concealed contraband, which he sneaks into the country in order to avoid inspection by the U.S. Customs Service. And just what’s in all those brightly colored packages tied up with ribbons, anyway? The Drug Czar and Homeland Security want to know.
2.) Look at how this international fugitive gets around: Santa flies in a custom-built sleigh that hasn’t been approved by the FAA. He never files a flight plan. He has no pilot’s license. In the dark of night, he rides the skies with just a tiny bioluminescent red light to guide him — a clear violation of traffic safety regulations.
3.) Pulling Santa’s sleigh: Eight tiny reindeer, a federally protected species being put to hard labor. None of these reindeer have their required shots, and Santa’s never bothered to get these genetically- engineered animals registered and licensed. It’s no wonder: He keeps them penned outside his workplace in a clear violation of zoning laws.
4.) But Crooked Claus the Conniving Capitalist harms more than just animals — he’s hurting hard-working American laborers, too. Isn’t Santa’s Workshop really Santa’s Sweatshop, where his non-union employees don’t make minimum wage and get no holiday pay? Add the fact that OSHA has never inspected the place, and you have a Third-World elf-exploitation operation that only Kathy Lee Gifford could love.
5.) No wonder Santa is able to maintain his monopoly over the toy distribution industry: He’s cornered the Christmas gift market. Santa dares to give away his products for free in a sinister attempt to crush all competition — just like Microsoft’s Internet Explorer. Antitrust Lawsuit Memo to the feds: Is Santa Claus the Bill Gates of Christmas?