Archive for June, 2008

Lookin’ for a personal payday


So this morning’s ‘BIG ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY NEWS’ is that another celebrity is being sued for millions over what appears to be a non-incident.

ZZzzzzzzzz

Yup – some no-name, greedy bitch looking to cash in a slight brush with fame flight attendant is suing Jenny Who Now Owns The Block for a few million smackers over a dog-bite incident that happened … ya …
TWO YEARS AGO.
::: Pause while The Cookie rolls her eyes, raises a hand and brings the ‘bitch, please!’ :::

Oh, but it’s no joke.
Lisa Wilson is suing Jennifer Lopez for a $5 million, claiming J-Ho’s guard dog Floyd (Floyd?!?!?) bit her on the leg (TWO YEARS AGO).
Wilson says the bite (TWO YEARS AGO) caused her to fall so badly that she needed back surgery, which is totally what is keeping her from working (TWO YEARS LATER).
::: Again – ‘bitch, please!’ :::

What? Did she fall OUT of the plane?!?

Lisa, honey? Listen to The Cookie:
Drag that limp-limb down to the nearest Workforce Alliance office and get yourself a J.O.B.

I feel for all souls who suffer at the hands, errr, teeth of another but darlin’ – you can’t bring the ‘OWW, my leg’ two years after the fact and still expect me (or anyone else) to give a flying fig about your dumbass, frivolous claim.
‘Kay, pumpkin?

Having been there myself – I rightly call bullshit on your story.
Ayep …

  • 1987
  • Dog show
  • Columbus, Georgia
  • Akita
  • Hospital stay
  • Eighty-seven stitches
  • Lost half left tricep
  • Neck, ear, arm, hand, back scarring

And what was I doing two years after that?
FINISHING COLLEGE, beeyatch!

You wanna get paid, Lisa baby?

Get a job.

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June 30, 2008 at 2:02 pm 5 comments

Tacky isn’t just for wedding DRESSES anymore


Proving once and for all that everything is, in fact, for sale – a Virginia Beach woman pulled a Star Jones and snagged some corporate sponsorship … for her wedding.

[[ … Pinched for cash, Virginia Beach hairdresser Kelly Gray went on eBay to offer a spot in her bridal party to the highest bidder … ]]
:::: <— wak manicure aside, what is UP with that pinky finger?!? You could bag a trout with that hook! :::

But the winner of the online begging-fest auction wasn’t some lonely chick lookin’ to eat free pork tenderloin and do the chicken dance in an ugly chiffon dress.
Nope, it was a representative of Dr. Pepper Snapple Group.
::: Ka-CHING!!! :::

The company will donate $10,000 and sugary-caffeinated, tooth-rotting beverages for the nuptials.
::: feel the love :::

Gray – who is apparently just one-friend shy of the perfect bridal party –  is planning to launch a web site to help her find that missing bridesmaid — or provide a surprise guest for the slot.
And by ‘surprise guest’ we bet she means ‘performer’ — she’s can check off ‘free entertainment’ on her list too.
— yikes —

All I can say about a woman willing to shill her own wedding is … watch OUT when the bitch decides to breed!

June 27, 2008 at 3:35 pm 1 comment

Some (more) advice for John McCain


I had a raunchy dream an epiphany last night and it revealed the exact thing Big Mac needs to do to if he wants to put his old buns back in charge!
::: wait for it :::

GIRL ON GIRL!!!!

No no, Macster!! You’ll LOVE it – trust me, big guy!

See, Alaskan voters know where it’s at. They  went to the polls and got themselves a real-live GILF in Sarah Palin.
<—–
Bitch is hot, ‘kay? I mean, she totally smokes ol’ Cindy Lou Who with the dead eyes over there – and so my  proposal is to put Palin in the Veep spot and give her the cushy Captain’s chair on the old Straight Talk Express.

The three of you can drive all over this great nation of ours, indoctinating educating folks young and old (like YOU!) about the ways of the good old GOP. And at the end of each campaign stop, the two recruiters interns licking envelopes in the back of the bus can  break out the air pumps and set up the ring.

You look puzzled … What ring, you say?
Duhhhhh!!!

The inflatable mud-wrestling ring, silly!!

Oh, I mean, you know — you can fill it with mud or creamed corn or Jell-O if you want to — the salient point is to be sure the GILF and the c*__ (oh sorry, I forgot – you “didn’t call her that”), err … the GILF AND SIN-DEEEEEE are appropriately attired for the occasion – which, as you know, means:
::: wait for it :::

Hot Campaign Bitches in ‘Kinis!!!!

Sweet, right?
Trust me man — do it!
It will totally transform that Geritol image you’ve got going and people will be BEGGIN’ for that Maverick Beef in no time!

Smooches and good luck, you sexy thang!! 😉

June 26, 2008 at 3:08 pm 15 comments

Let’s stay focused, people!


Wait – let me get this straight …

The national average price for a gallon of regular gasoline is more than $4, which has caused:
* The po-po to get stupid creative
* Suburban brats to lose their shit over, well, losing their shit
* Caffeine-crackies to ditch their morning mocha-docha-nilla-soy-tofu-wheatgrass-no foam-grande-tall-whatthefuckisthisbullshit-latte
* Town fair operators to yank their weiners
… and well — you get the idea.
High gas prices suck, y’all!!

But it’s not just the price of petrol that’s turned us into a nation of Gloomy Gusses …
* Milk is nine-thousand-dollar-a-gallon (not really … but ‘get ready’ is all I’m saying …)
* Your 12-year-old rusted out Chevy beater is worth more than the house you bought a year ago
* That job you thought you had when you drove to work this morni … oh, sorry — HR on Line 2 …

No wonder a recent poll revealed 8 out of every 10 Americans think the country is headed in, well, just ALL kids of the wrongest or wrong directions!!
::: seriously  – we needed to do an actual poll to know this?!? :::

Buuuuuttttt — never fear!
Shallow American Vanity is here!!!

YAY SHALLOW AMERICAN STUPIDI, ERR, VANITY!!!!

It’s true – just ask Lauren!

Lauren couldn’t get an unsecured bank loan to gas up the earth-raping Hummer she bought to show her incredible lack of self-esteem support for the troops back in the ‘boom times’ and the monstrosity has been on Repo Radar for almost two months and the wardrobe she bought her Puggle, Pookie, had to be returned and she found out just yesterday  that her office will be closing permanently this Friday so she won’t be able to make her annual ski-trip to Bamff and she had THE worst tiff with her BFF-4EVAR this morning (OMG – riiiight???) because she just gets sooo bitchy  without her a.m. Starbucks and … well — Lauren is just haulin’ the stressmonster around in every  possible way!!!

But take heart kiddies –  it will all be ok because Lauren is a modern, American woman. And modern, American  women have super-ninja skills when it comes to foregoing fuel and food and friends and fun as long as they can keep their one, true love:
Plastic Surgery

Ayep – In 2007, Americans spent more than $13 billion for nearly 11.7 million cosmetic procedures. That’s up from nearly 8.5 million procedures in 2001.
“While today’s economy reflects a slow-down in plastic surgery procedures, the specialty will weather the current decline in economic growth just as it has previous declines, such as the stock market correction after the 2001 Internet bubble,” said ASPS President Richard D’Amico, MD.
::: anyone else creeped out by a body doc who talks like a hedge-fund manager? :::

And really, when you get right down to it — isn’t it heartening to know that in these very uncertain and scary economic times, your fellow citizen-ettes are holding tight, tight , TIGHT to the things that really matter …
Botox, bigger lips, new boobs and lipo

God Bless Help America

June 25, 2008 at 3:02 pm 5 comments

As luck would have it …


Hey hey Barry-baby – Is that a big ol’ wad o’ lucky charms in your pocket or are you just supah-dupah happy to see me?

Oh.

Damn.
They are good luck charms.
*sniff*

S’okay … it’s just another sign that this hot, electoral thang we’ve got going is meant to be.

SUPERSTITION — it’s the tie that binds!

O’Beautiful admitted he’s getttin’ his good booga booga on by carrying around the trinkets supporters have handed him at campaign appearances — including a lucky poker chip and a Native American eagle.

I guess he keeps the thong and lock of my hair I mailed to campaign HQ in his ‘other’ special place.
Sweet!

Next time I’m totally sending him a hand-crafted Hamsa to protect against Cindy Lou Who’s Dead-On-The-Inside Evil Eye of Doom!!!

June 24, 2008 at 12:52 pm 2 comments

RIP George Carlin


The morning news opened with news of George Carlin’s death from apparent heart failure.

And, well – just damn.

 

 

June 23, 2008 at 10:49 am 2 comments

Toemercial appeal?


camel toe commercial

Only once in my life have I ever seen an instance of camel toe worse than this — and, at least, HIS was on purpose!

What I want to know — what I MUST know is just who in the hell screened the local auto dealership commercial featuring the spokestoe above and said ‘Now that there is a go for air, gents!’.

Was it a blind dude?
Was it her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend?
Was it that bitch from accounting who found out she lost out to ol’ blondie in the race to date the dealership’s F&I manager?

Seriously! Who could have possibly watched the teevee spot featuring this facially attractive woman wearing the horrifically ill-fitting khaki pants and thought ‘Yessss, whale tail — THAT’S what new car buyers are looking for!’

Someone who never made it down that far. That’s who.
Which means it had to be a man.

Blonde hair: CHECK
Ample boobage: CHECK
Almost too-tight shirt: CHECK

And the toemercial is born.

June 23, 2008 at 10:22 am 4 comments

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