Posts tagged ‘sarcasm’

Type Hype


A Michigan company is quite literally banking on the fact that there really is one born every minute.

Developers at Sarcasm Inc. have created a hot little mess they are marketing as the ‘SarcMark’ – a ‘new’ punctuation denoting sarcasm.

I’m all

\  .
     {}
)  .

“Statements have the period. Questions have the question mark. Exclamations have the exclamation mark. When you see the newest punctuation mark for sarcasm, you’ll know the writer of that sentence doesn’t literally mean what they’re writing; they’re being sarcastic,” the company said in a release.

I will?
Really?
‘Cuz I gotta be honest when I say the SarcMark ain’t exactly screamin’ its meanin’ my way.

And, really, how fucked do you have to be head that you’d even need a such a symbol when you could just convey the wonderfully corrosive qualities of sarcasm via the written word?

If you didn’t catch the ‘casm in my description of Tara Reid as a delicious nugget of sophisticated elegance then you need to put down the crackpipe and open a dictionary.

If you didn’t dig the digs runnimg rampant all through my fumeration over all things Freegan then you need to rethink those morning Mohitos.

If you didn’t pick-up the total and complete put-down that was my tribute to the perfection of Jim Eastabrook then, ohfuckit … you’re the SarcMark demographic.

Take your dumb ass on over to sarcmark.com and fork over a dumbass dollar ninety-nine to download the dumbass software you’ll have to use to communicate the clever comebacks your dumb ass is too fucking dumb to disseminate in the first place.

… now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to create the SnarkMark …

SOURCE

Advertisements

January 19, 2010 at 11:09 am 2 comments

COJONES!


Just in case you missed it while you were standing in the breadline, opening a foreclosure notice, opening your unemployment check or just opening a bottle to get your drink on and forget shit for a while … I bring you a wee bit o’ happy – courtesy of Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart and his giant pair.

Behold the most revealing, penetrative, informative and educational interview I’ve seen on television in a long, Long, LONG time.
(UPDATE: Since the douchebags at Viacom did as predicted and yanked their YouTube rendering, citing their usual copyright  bullshit — I found it on Google Video – if you can stomach the commercials you’ll get the goodies 😉 ) 

Take it away Jon!

March 13, 2009 at 10:23 am 5 comments

Tan on fire


A South Carolina man escaped from a tanning bed as it burst into flames this week.

tanfireDude was gettin’ his melanoma on when he heard a ‘popping noise’, looked down and saw a flame at the corner of the bed near his foot.
Mr. Quickthinker threw open the lid, jumped out and ran.

Oh sorry!

None of this retarded mess is, like,  newsworthy or anything – I just got a serious case of the tee hees picturing his twig and berries roasting over the UV fire is all.
::: Being easily amused is like being on vacation all the time!!! :::

Can you just imagine the color he could have gotten if he hadn’t pussed out and panicked!
::: WIMP!!! :::

Hey hotstuff!

If your shit’s still sizzlin’ – might I suggest you spend a little time chillin’ that junk in the Mush Room of Sweden’s Icehotel? Yeah – it’s cool like that …

March 11, 2009 at 3:18 pm 2 comments

GIRLCRUSH!!!!!!!!!


I think I’m in love with another woman.
Don’t worry … I think Mr. Cookie won’t mind.

413-profile_harding_03-08-2009_arlingtons_4bs2uvqembeddedprod_affiliate58<—- Meet Whitney Harding.

Whitney is a 39-year-old Lone Star mama who juggles several jobs, including being a wife and mother of two, being her block’s resident MILF (look at that hot slut – no lie!) while also acting as the new PTA council president in her kids’ school district, volunteering at their school and selling cosmetics.

Bitch is busy, ‘kay?

But somewhere in the mangled mess of her daily ‘Must Do’ list she still finds time for what really matters.

Roller Derby.

She’s the blocker for the Dallas Derby Devils league’s ‘Slaughterers’ – her derby handle is ‘Homewrecker’ and she’s 20 different kind of ready to knock a rival skank OUT when duty calls.
:::   :::

“I like a good solid hit,” she said. “It’s just about making a good solid hit, helping your jammer get through the pack.”

Oh my God I love her SO much!!!!!

When I was a kid my mom would take me to Oxmoor Ice Lodge to play mixed-youth hockey. You just cannot beat that shit!

With just a little padding, a helmet and skates I was transformed each week into an adolescent, ice-bound KILLING MACHINE.

Seriously! Once practice was over and our coach was gone – the rink opened up to the date-night lovey-dovey’s and that’s when I’d kick it into hyperdrive, get my speed skate on ’round rink’s edge – going faster and Faster and FASTER – before picking out a coupla handholders and BUSTIN’ THOSE BITCHES APART!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!
It was the BEST!

Ooohhhhh I’d forgotten how much I loved it, how much I missed that kind of excitement, how much I still want to knock shit down!!

Whitney has put her derby voodoo mojo on me and awakened an inner desire that I’m not sure I can ignore!

I just may have to trot my buns down to the Broward County Derby Grrls’ Fresh Meat Sunday and bust a bitch down move!

… I just need to think of a super way cool total HBIC derby nickname …

SOURCE

March 9, 2009 at 5:50 pm 15 comments

True Must See TV!!!!


Oooo oooo ooooo — this could be gooood!!

Comedy Central has given a series order to Tosh.0, a weekly half hour series poking fun at the technologies and culture of the Internet.

The series starts in June and is hosted (hence the name) by comedian
<—- Daniel Tosh.

It will focus on the inanities of blogs, vlogs and tweets, and will have a viral video of the week, produced by the show and featuring well known comedians.
::: SUCKIT KOS — they don’t want your elitist, highbrow, intelligent blah blah!!! :::

The inanities of blogs, people!
OMFG – this is sooooo LIAC!!
It just doesn’t get more inane than the piffle we publish!!!

Our Year in Review?
Our supremely awesome Dumbass and Dumb Bitch coverage??
Our adroit analysis of religious retardation???
Our political acumen????
Our love and devotion to cybercrazies?????

I mean, helloooooooo!!!
When you look up the word inane in the dictionary it may as well just say ‘Go read ‘Life Is A Cookie’ you fucking moron!”

Inane  Cookie

I defy you — DEFY YOU – to find crap out there that is more consistently silly, unsubstantial, absurd, mindless, asinine, trifling, ridiculous or worthless than the drivel we dish!
Go ahead – try!

HAHAHAHAHAHA – this is great!
We are SO on this show!

This is like an IV bag full of (get ready Ponchita) HILARIOSITY pumping straight into my heart!!!

 

 

March 7, 2009 at 4:38 pm 5 comments

Happy 52nd Birthday Jesus!


Because the U.S. economy suffered its deepest contraction in a quarter century, the S&P 500 closed at 12-year low, China’s Premier Wen Jiabao confirms this New Great Depression hasn’t found a bottom yet and consumer confidence found a bigger, DEEPER cave to hide out in this month — I figured we were due for a little pick-me-up.

And no one can do that like today’s birthday boy – John Turturro!

That hot Italian sausage makes the sun come up every morning in the verdant bucolic mental getaway that is my personal happy place.

Just looking at him makes me tingly – and I know he makes you tingly too!
Don’t lie – I know he does!!
How can he not!?!

That slut is a more delicious morsel of marvelousness than a bacon-wrapped Marshmallow!!

I mean, if you weren’t sitting on the edge of your seat, scratching for just one more sheet at the bottom of the Kleenex box as you held a candle-light vigil and prayed for John Turturro brings the HOTPete to come back – COME BAAAACK! – from the nether-regions of froggydom and rejoin Delmar and Everett on their quest for buried treasure, well, then I think you need to schedule an emergency EKG to be sure you even still have a heart down deep in there somewhere.
That was serious method shit you just don’t find in most cinema these days!

Oh, ho, ho, TURTURRO — from Pino to pederast, Dude — nobody beats Barton Fink!

So – yes. Today I give you JT.
Because you need him.
Because we all do in these hard times where gloom is in bloom everywhere you look; where folks are forced to wear their despair like it’s some sort of fashion; where people just don’t know what to DO anymore!

I give you JT because I think it’s important, nay, IMPERATIVE that we take time to chill, reflect and ask ourselves one question:
What Would Turturro Do?’

… the answers are there, my friends …

February 28, 2009 at 4:50 pm 3 comments

I bet THIS wasn’t on his Bucket List!


The dumb skank who admits she knowingly got into a car with a possibly drunk Morgan Freeman last August is now suing that hot piece for negligence, saying she wants to ‘clear her name from claims she was his mistress’.
::: And bank some sweet coin, of course! :::

Demaris ‘Do My Eyes Make Me Look Like A Crazy Gold-Digging Whore’ Meyer held an L.A. news conference where she whined about being labeled the ‘other woman’, channeled her inner Blogojevich and vowed to fight, Fight, FIGHT until cleanliness and dignity are restored to her allegedly once-good name.
::: … uh huh, good luck with that … :::

“I had hoped and prayed that Mr. Freeman or his representatives would have set the record straight and cleared my name, but they have not done so and that is why I have chosen to come forward to tell the truth about our relationship,” she bellyached to a handfull of people who, if we’re being honest here, probably only showed up to see what a potential Freeman fuckbuddy looked like.
::: … now we know? :::

According to her four-page lawsuit, she hopes to squeeze the Oscar-winner for pastpresentandfuture medical expenses, short-term memory loss , pain and suffering, some kind of short-term memory loss, pastpresentandfuture lost wages, permanent disability for short-term memory loss and other damages. Oh, and some sort of loss of memory … or something … and, uhh, don’t forget that big fucking truckload of money, bitches!!
::: … because nothing screams ‘Innocent Choir Girl’ louder than a legal shakedown … :::

The whole almost-hookup apparently happened because a mutual friend invited her to a dinner party so she could fuck meet the actor. She went, they dined, they got their drink on, they left and went back to the mutual friend’s house, they got their drink on there, then Miss Daisy jumped in Hoke’s Nissan and were makin’ the dash to his pad when things got all crashy.
::: … just your typical first-date stuff … :::

According to her [bullshit] lawsuit, she was in Freeman’s car only because he kindly offered to let her spend fucky times the night at his home — seeing as how “it would be much closer for Ms. Meyer to travel to her place of employment the next morning from Mr. Freeman’s home” than from the home of their mutual friend.

Uh huh … ‘cept Freeman’s house is in Charleston, Mississippi (89.5 miles from Meyer’s Memphis abode) and the friend lives in Clarksdale, Mississippi (77.6 miles from Memphis) — which would make it, like, NOT closer and stuff?

Oh but hey, in her defense, anyone stupid enough to get  in a car with someone they admit [in writing — filed with the courts] had been drinking, really isn’t the kind of brainiac who can be reasonably expected to handle simple geography or exhibit any of her own accountability or, you know,  personal responsibility or anything … right?

Right?

Right?

SOURCE
LAWSUIT

February 26, 2009 at 4:34 pm 13 comments

Older Posts



Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: