Posts tagged ‘Florida’

THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there!


When serious news happens, I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there!

And what was it this Saturday, March 17, 2012?

Egypt’s Pope Shenouda III going all kinds of dead at age 88?
::: nah, those mourning masses meant twelve kinds of APPARENTLY NOT MUCH! :::
The 8 NCAA men’s basketball tournament games being played?
::: puhleeze – 80 gozillionthousand people screaming about busted brackets – BOOOORING! :::
Supremely sinister shit STILL going down in a bad, bad way over in Syria?
::: uhh, like no ‘n stuff?! it’s Syria, not SoFla! :::
St. Patrick’s Day observer’s out gettin’ their green on and going batshit bazoinkadork in shades of beryl and bice all over the gat damned place?
::: get real. like $4.55 BILLION in expected retail sales is interesting in this continued new great depression or anything! :::

Nope.
None of that pesky “actual news” even lives in the same hemisphere of being nearly as noteworthy as the in-depth exposé on what is indisputably THE most important issue ever to face the people of Earth, the United States, the East Coast, Florida, Broward County, Tamarac!

NEWSFLASH!
There are slow drivers out there — and they are frustrating!

And I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is there to wade through the uncertainty and confusion of this MAJOR STORY!

Apathetic automobile operators have produced nothing short of all-around yawns an all-out affront to life as we know it!
The people have spoken and they are easily placated pissed — they are out there reacting when provoked to respond to this non-event by beat reporters with nothing better to do.

And, you know,  I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel was there to break it down in easily-digestible chunkletts!!!!

“Slow drivers are really a hazard,” said John Bowman, a spokesman for the National Motorist Association.

FEEL THE PANIC!

Joshua Rotenberg, of Fort Lauderdale, says he wonders why slowpokes aren’t “pulled over and slapped for being discourteous.”

SENSE THE OUTRAGE!!

“I get upset and wish them a slow death,” one reader said via Facebook.

FEAR THE VENGEANCE!!!

“It’s frustrating but it’s not worth ruining my day over,” said Darren Short, a delivery truck driver from Boynton Beach.

BRACE FOR THE CALAMI … wait. What?

“A lot of the time, it’s only a matter of a few seconds or minutes before the slow driver will turn off,” AAA’s Michele Harris explained.

Troopers agree! They say when encountering drivers committing the dastardly deed of deliberately dawdling during your day to just use your turn signal and change lanes.

Whew! Crisis averted!!

And I’m all THANK GOD the Sun Sentinel is thereor whatever …

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March 19, 2012 at 6:16 pm 1 comment

You Won’t Wish You Were Here


Ever had one of those moments you wish you could rewind and go back to before it ever happened and do the one crucial thing that didn’t happen in the first place to prevent it from actually happening?

I had one of those this morning.

Mr. Cookie and I have a routine on some Saturdays where we end up at the beach the very first thing in the morning. It’s a nice way to start the day — especially for people like me who (for the past several months) simply cannot sleep.

It’s relaxing.

Well, usually it’s relaxing.

This time it wasn’t.

This time I saw two people die at the beach.

An older couple – Barbara Agelatos, 57, and Denis Agelatos, 70 – from Albany, Georgia drowned in an unguarded area of a local public beach — caught in rough surf and dangerous rip currents they couldn’t escape.

It’s just a sobering thing to witness – even from too far away to really know what’s happening … but let’s be honest, you know what’s happening.

I wish I could go back to the moments just before they walked into that water. I wish I could have been there to caution them against wading into that water. I wish anyone had.

I keep thinking about the Agelatos in that water together. In trouble in that water together. Trying to help each other out of trouble in that water. And knowing that water was winning.

I keep thinking about their family and hoping they are able to find some peace in this saddest of situations … but let’s be honest, they probably won’t for some time yet.

I think about the two men who worked tirelessly to help them until more help and the police and paramedics arrived … and I hope those two men know how amazing they are for doing all they could just in an impossible situation.

I think that’s all I have for today …

May 15, 2010 at 10:00 pm 6 comments

FELINE FUCKERY!


Cat person or not — crap like this should make you want to immediately stop whatever you’re doing and go coin-diggin’ in the car or couch so you can start a collection or host a telethon or some shit to help these heinous humans BUY A GODDAMNED CLUE!!!!!

ACK!!!

Meet the Eskew family of Port St. Lucie, Florida: Jackbag James, Shithead Sheila and Jessica, their dumbass daughter.
————————–>

These evolutionary-scale throwbacks were arrested on animal cruelty charges after they decided it would be just a big ol’ slice of HELL YEAH to pack up everything for their pending move to North Cackalackee.

And by ‘pack up everything‘ I mean force more than 20 of their furry friends into wooden boxes coffins, nail the lids closed and dump ’em in the neighbor’s yard.

me-OWW!!!

Now — animal cruelty charges are all find and good (actually — it’s the LEAST that should happen to these sick tricks) but I think this troublesome trio should also be charged with whatever criminal thingamabob, trip to detention or mark on their permanent records goes along with depriving the larger community of what couldda been catastically comical!

CURSE YOU CAT-HATERS!

I mean, have they never had the pleasure of the LOLCATS pussies?
Are they not hip to the trip that is a YouTube kitty vid?
funnycatpix.com?!
zomgcatz.com?!?
roflcat.com?!?!

No?!
Grrrr!

Get with the program inbreeders!
Don’t make me invoke the spirit of Beethoven and come after your retarded asses!!

SOURCE

May 4, 2010 at 3:56 pm 3 comments

Suburban SHAKEDOWN!


Officials at a gated community in Florida are turning away guests of residents who are behind on their HOA fees.

TYRANNY!

Security guards at Stoneybrook West have stopped resident Melissa Solis’ friends, family, babysitter and even the delivery man from Winter Garden Pizza Co. from getting to her home.
::: NOT the pizza guy?!? :::

They wouldn’t even allow her mother-in-law inside the gates for a family birthday party.

HOSTILITY!

“It’s very embarrassing for our daughter. She’s 10 years old, and she doesn’t understand that the economy is tight and Daddy doesn’t have a job.”

OUTRAGE!!!!

With the economy at a seemingly-permanent standstill, you breadliners all know the score.
Less coming in = less going out … for everyone … including the evil HOA overlords.

AGGRESS … wait. What?

Delinquency rates are skyrocketing so a lot of Home Owner’s Associations are forced – FORCED I SAY – to go all Stonybrook on residents’ asses and lower the boom … which would be cool and all, ‘cept there’s just one problem.
Ya can’t get blood from a stone, ho’s!

TRUTH!

And that is why lawmakers are considering a buncha bills designed to ease the financial strains between homeowner and association.

YAY!!

One such bill would allow associations to suspend residents from using common areas if they are three months or more behind paying fees. It also empowers associations to collect fees from renters, and prohibits association members from serving on the board if they are three months delinquent.

PROGRESS!!!

“These homeowner associations are crippled, and they’re looking for any kind of edge,” said Sarasota lawyer David Muller, co-executive director of the Community Association Leadership Lobby, which represents more than 4,000 associations. “But actually preventing a guest from accessing the gates — that’s something that’s going a little too far, in my opinion and when concerning the statutes.”

YEAH, BITCHES!  LET HER PEOPLE IN!!

SOURCE

March 18, 2010 at 10:14 am 8 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Day


Felon-in-training Stefanie Vargas of Palm Coast, Florida
———————–>
gets to wear the DB crown today for basically turning herself into the cops in the middle of a heist.

The 19-year-old and a 13-year-old accomplice were just going about their business, spending a splendid Sunday afternoon blah blahing about what they should bag as they broke into cars near a Daytona Beach nightclub.

“You gotta break that SIM card. Take that SIM card outta there. They can trace it,” one of the conniving kleptos said during a cellphone call that they *OOPSIE* made to 911.
::: Can you hear me NOW, bitches?!? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! :::

“Dispatchers listened while the two suspects discussed the difference between items that were worth taking and items that should be left behind as they rummaged through a vehicle,” police spokesman Jimmie Flynt said.

When the po-po pulled up to a car the 13-year-old was searching, he ran and jumped into a vehicle driven by Vargas and shouted: “Go, Go,” a police report states.

The criminal masterminds were *SHOCK* caught, confessed their crime, charged accordingly and are soooo grounded for, like, EVER!

Note to Stefanie: Fun is fun ’till someone butt dials the Fuzz.

SOURCE

February 25, 2010 at 11:10 am 2 comments

WWBQQD?


::: Sorry greeneyedgirl – it had to be done! :::

Next month, Burger King is opening a new Whopper Bar in South Beach that will sell beer and burgers.

Complicated Order!
SA-CURRITY!!!

Just kidding — that bitch would be in heaven!!

* Beatbox *
It’s the sickest kind of day, you gonna git it all your way
A Double Whopper and some fries, with a cold one on the side …
* Beatbox *

Burger Kings in Germany and Whopper Bars in Singapore and Venezuela already sell suds, but this will be the first BK B&B in the US to get they drank on.

* Beatbox *
I’ll give it to you in a cup, and I’ll fill that muthah up
But forget about dessert, unless you lookin’ to get hurt …
*
Beatbox *

More Whopper Bars could be coming to New York, Los Angeles and Las Vegas, says Chuck Fallon, president of Miami-based Burger King North America.

HEEYYYY!!

SOURCE

January 25, 2010 at 11:51 am 6 comments

Butt … wait!


Congratulations Floridians – you’re one freedom fewer!
😦

The Florida Department of Health has ruled – albeit reluctantly – that once you sign a medical procedure consent form you can’t stop the procedure once it’s begun … even, say ohhhh I don’t know — when the ANESTHESIA wears off?!?

That’s right, kiddies!
You get to grimace and bear it.
::: Just say ‘oh no!’ :::

Just ask the 61-year-old Pasco County woman who filed a formal complaint after gastroenterologist Kozhimala John refused to stop a colonoscopy after her anesthesia wore off and she was quite literally begging him to halt the procedure.

Investigative records of the May 2008 incident show the colonoscopy was underway when the sedation, a common mix of Versed and Fentanyl, wore off. Records show the patient told the doctor that he was hurting her and pleaded for him to stop.

He didn’t.

“Please stop!” she insisted, while the nurse tried to shush her, records show.

He didn’t.

“Most people would say: ‘I didn’t really mean for you to stop the procedure even though I told you to…’ She was under sedation,” John said. “I couldn’t take her words for sure.”
::: I bet you took her co-pay and insurance for sure though, eh doc? :::

After the complaint was filed, DOH lawyers (get the irony??) tried to find some clause — any clause — in the Medical Practice Act that would apply in cases like this.

They didn’t.

John, who is board-certified in internal medicine and gastroenterology, was charged only with inadequate record-keeping for failing to document the many ways the colonoscopy went awry.

He accepted a reprimand, a $15,000 fine, agreed to perform 100 hours of community service and take a course on “risk management.”

When the Board of Medicine heard the case in Orlando earlier this month, some members fumed about the state dropping the more serious accusation.

“There was unnecessary suffering inflicted,” DOH prosecutor Robert A. Milne told the Florida Board of Medicine recently, “but we had to (drop the charges) for legal reasons.”

Donald Mullins, one of three non-physicians on the 15-member board, spoke sharply to John. “It’s her body. She needed to make the decision. These were not your decisions to make … I’m disgusted that we’re going to (accept the settlement). I just can’t believe it!”

Miami pediatrician Onelia Lage said John displayed too little regard for the wishes of his patient. “Regardless of the legalities, when the patient screamed and said, ‘No!, you needed to listen.”

Maybe he will … maybe he won’t, but one thing’s for sure … he doesn’t really have to …

… and apparently, Floridians, neither does your doctor …

SOURCE

December 17, 2009 at 11:12 am 1 comment

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