Archive for March, 2009
Good news, breadliners!
Your government cares about you!
Well, ok. Maybe not you, Mr. L.A. Dude who offed your whole family last year over your mounting financial mess.
Or you, Mr. Ohio Guy who was so worried about money that X-ing out the fam was, apparently, the only option.
And, ok, not you, Mr. Pennsylvania Businessman who’s fiscal failures led to things gettin’ all shooty with the missus.
And, well uh, if we’re being honest — you either, Mr. San Fran Skin-Care Clinic owner who mistook your lagging sales as a sign it was time to liquidate your loved ones …
… but for the rest of you sad sacks out there not yet driven to do in those dearest to you – your government wants you to know it cares about you!
They even set up a super special website to prove it!!
“Getting Through Tough Economic Times” — an inadequately-titled guide intended to provide “practical advice on how to deal with the effects financial difficulties can have on your physical and mental health” — launched in the wee hours overnight.
::: … guess no one liked the more aptly-titled ‘How To Deal When Your World’s Gone To Shit’ … :::
On this little corner of the interwebs, the feds will educate your impovrished ass about depression, suicidal thinking and other mental illnesses.
::: Because who knows better about depression and suicidal thinking than government workers, right? :::
It lays out the warning flags for: Persistent sadness/crying; Excessive anxiety; Lack of sleep/constant fatigue; Excessive irritability/anger.
::: Oh. Those aren’t just regular conditions of life now? :::
So, if you’re unsure whether your spouse has slaughter in his/her heart?
If you’re worried that crushing debt is making the one you hold dear consider dumping your dead body in a ditch??
If you’re concerned that paying the bills has poisoned your partner against you???
Don’t take matters into your own ignorant hands!
Consult Uncle Sam – your hard times BFF!
That’s one manly Messiah!
What seductively suggestive soul — sure to soon be locked in a forever dance of doom with the devil — designed this provocative piece of plastic?!?
I bet it was a nun.
Oh you KNOW it was a nun!
Those bitches prolly have boners on the brain 24-7!
And who could blame them?? They are married to the man, right?
Go for it, girls!
Hell, this bad boy beats my dashboard Redeemer any day! I’m totally looking for this shit on eBay and putting in a bid!
Just be warned if you decide to get one for yourselves, kiddies …
I hear you can go blind just from touching it …
… when you have waaay too much time on your hands … and even more sheep?
::: No Delmar – not that! :::
PFG guys, PFG …
There seems to be some kind of fascination in Florida recently with calling 9-1-1 whenever some shithead gets his panties in a bunch.
First there was Jacksonville’s Reginald Peterson, who singlehandedly spearheaded this super stupidity by calling 9-1-1 not once, but twice to complain to police that his Subway sandwich was not made to his liking.
::: Jared would NOT approve! :::
Then came copycat complainer Jean Fortune of Boynton Beach who called the cops when the local Burger King ran out of lemonade.
::: Clearly, the irony of the whole ‘when life hands you lemons’ lesson was lost on Mr. Fortune. :::
Not to be outdone by the men’s team in the Get A Fucking Clue Championships, Latreasa Goodman of Ft. Pierce suffered a supersized McNugget meltdown when her local Mickey D’s ran out of the deep-fried pressed ‘chicken’ parts.
“This is an emergency! If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one. This is an emergency,” Goodman griped in one of her two 9-1-1 calls.
* Oh DO click the links and give it a listen — you’ll thank me*
And now we have Tampa’s Evon Cavett – who skillfully set her self apart from the rest of that sadsack pack by going full retard without ever leaving home.
::: CRAFTY! :::
This bitch dialed dispatchers not one, not Two, but THREE times to complain that her roommate was trying to take away her beer — but when the cops showed up, Cavett conveniently couldn’t remember calling them in the first place.
::: … et wuzzin mee, occifers … :::
They left and she immediately called 9-1-1 to complain about their visit. I’m sure she would have made all kinds of good points and sincere statements – but the emotional toll of being such a colossal dumb fuck was too much for even Evon and she started to cry.
She sobbed “It hurts my feelings” before doing a quick attitudinal 180 and blurting out, “Look, if you’re going to lock me up, come here and lock me up! You heard that?”
::: All bets are off when you let Natty Light do the talking! :::
Not long after hanging up on her second ’emergency’ call, Sloshy McDrinksalot drunk dialed again, shouting “Come arrest me!” — and shock of shocks – they did!
::: That house coat in her booking mug is HOT! :::
Oh – she’ll be ok. Don’t you worry about old Evon. No sir!
County lockup is like a second home for this wacko ho, who’s prior arrests are a veritable treasure trove of transgressions – including Battery, aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, theft, driving without a license, operating an unregistered vehicle and writing a bad check.
So it’s hardly surprising that she’d lose her shit over some suds.
After being arrested and charged with three misdemeanors, Twitferbrainz posted $1,250 bail and was set free to one day [very soon] delay emergency responders from handling your heart attack … or assisting after reported assault … or tending to a trauma victim …
Listen up parents!
Just in case you’ve been in a Lithium haze and missed the memo:
Danger lurks on the Interwebs!!!!!
That computer you use to pay bills, read lifeisacookie news and buy your happy time toys?
The one your kids use to buy Webkinz, read lifeisacookie homework assignments and send pictures to grandma?
It’s also a portal of prodigiously perilous possibilites!!
::: OH MY! :::
Just ask the 13-year-old snowflake from Centerville, Utah who was stopped mere moments before boarding a Greyhound bus bound for California to meet the man of her dreams nightmares. —>
Princess and 40-year-old sexpot Robert Lavern Davison —>
met on the Internet (DANGER!) last year while playing the game “World Of Warcraft’ and began spending secret steamy times together chatting online, before moving to e-mail and ultimately graduating to full-on verbal intercourse!
::: … it’s ok – take a moment to vomit if you need to … :::
Mom was none the wiser until the day little preshuss didn’t show up for school because she was buying a bus ticket.
The cops were called and, with the help of the hot sluts from Utah’s Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force, they cracked kiddo’s computer and cell phone and exposed the all the tricky icky ewww inside.
Using their sleuthing superpowers, officers decided a 13-year-old who obviously can’t drive and probably didn’t have enough funds for air fare would likely have to either hoof it or bank a bus ticket to meet her mystery date … and since Cali’s hell and gone from Utah, the smart money was always on the bus terminal — where they did, indeed, find the unwitting future rape, torture and mutilation candidate patiently waiting for her ride.
::: Someone’s getting grounded! :::
Unaware that he was now cybersexing with Johnny Law, Scary Hairy continued his charming chats, which became even more sexual, graphic and violent in nature until the FBI’d had enough, layed down the smack and arrested him at his Kelseyville, California house.
::: Game over, fatty! :::
You know, I take great comfort in the knowledge that Dreamboat remains locked up as I write this — yeah yeah, because a child was saved and all — but mostly because I’m relieved to know that only Tony Two Fingers and Big Freddie will get a taste of whatever special sauce created THIS nasty mess! –>
Frealz! What in open sore psoriasis hell IS that thing?!?
The data from one of THE most groundbreakingly crucial studies ever conducted in the history of all of mankind is in — and it legitimates my entire existence!
::: as opposed to the evil studies contradicting this information that I choose to blithely ignore 🙂 :::
“A Japanese examination of the effects of social support on the relationship between drinking and cardiovascular disease has found that the health benefits of light-to-moderate drinking are more pronounced in men with greater social support.”
For you UNscientifical type personages out there, that means that drinking = good but drinking + buddies = VERY good!
::: Another round for my friends, barkeep! :::
The study examined 19,356 men between the ages of 40 and 69 and divvied their alcohol consumption into seven categories: never, past, occasional, 1-149, 150-299, 300-449, and Cookie’s Category: the hella sloshy ≥450 grams/week.
::: they saved the best for last … :::
The results revealed that moderate social drinking has some pretty poz health bennies!
::: I’ll drink to that! :::
“Heavy drinking is associated with a greater risk of stroke.”
::: Totally why I don’t do keggers! Stroke schmoke! You could get a hernia lifting that shit! :::
“Light-to-moderate drinking has been linked to lessening the risk of stroke and coronary heart disease and new studies show that more social support is linked to less risk of mortality and cardiovascular disease.”
“Drinking with a good friend appropriately makes you feel happy and healthy,” said Takeshi Tanigawa, a professor in the department of public health at Ehime University Graduate School of Medicine.
“So drink with good friends for health.”
If you say so!
After all, who am I to argue with science?!?