Dumbass of the Day

A Florida man – separated from the missus for a measely four days – couldn’t handle not gettin’ handled and decided the most prudent way to procure the poontang was to go full-retard and TAKE IT, BITCHES!

The 24-year-old was *SHOCK* drunk when he went to the house where his bride was residing, removed an air-conditioning unit, climbed through the window and proceeded to TAKE IT, BITCHES!

‘Cept the little woman brought the ‘Hell Naw!’ to that action and called the cops on his alked-up ass.

When police arrived, Drunky McStupid walked away from them, refused to provide identification and was *SHOCK* put in handcuffs.

After being cuffed, he told the officer that he “has not gotten any in three weeks and he was going to get some.”

He was taken to jail – where is he will *SHOCK* surely ‘get some’. 😉

SOURCE

Pontius Poultry!

* Am still deep in project but could not let this one go *

I don’t cook.
Never have. Never will.

Some of you may know this about me.

I used to feel just the teensiest bit 😦 about not wanting/liking/giving two fucking shits about cooking  – BUT NOT ANYMORE!

Because people who cook are some sick bitches, yo!

They are!!

How else can you explain the fuckery that is the ‘Chicken-on-the-Cross’ sacrilege makin’ the rounds disguised as the perfect Easter entrée?!

Didn’t make it this year?
BEHOLD THE RECIPE, SINNERS!

— Moderately preheated grill
— One whole dressed chicken (3-4 lbs.)
— 1/4 cup olive oil
— 1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
— A small “Calvary-type” cross made of cedar to fit a 3- to 4-lb. fryer
::: yes, you read that right :::
— 2 or 31/2” steel nails (with heads)
::: yes, you read that right :::

Cue the WTF!

Thoroughly moisten the cedar cross with water and rub olive oil over the entire surface of the bird.

Attach the chicken’s wing tips, crucifixion-style, to the arms of the cross with the nails.

Place the chicken/cross combo on the grill rack and close lid.
Allow 1-1/2 to 2 hours to roast, basting periodically with vinegar.

Vomit

But hey, who am I to judge … if you like that gak, you’ll probably love the Holocaust-inspired ‘Gas-Chamber-Gazpacho‘ or ‘Spanish-Inquisition-Ceviche’!

Just be sure to serve ’em with a side of ‘God’ll Smite You’ salad and a glass of ‘Cloud Nine’ wine or all hell could break loose!

Just sayin’ …

TTFN

The Holy Braille

Lisa Murphy is a sweet, sweet slice of the rare comingling of awesomeness and ingenuity rarely seen these days.

She’s a visionary – one of those bold thinkers who dare to do what others won’t: Bring boobies and booty to the blind.

HERO!

Murphy has launched a porn mag for the vision-impaired called Tactile Minds which contains tingle-inducing text alongside raised images of nekkidness – all of which you can enjoy for around $230 US!
::: digs for checkbook :::

She said that she made the book after realising that the ‘blind have been left out in a culture saturated with sexual images’.

“We’re breaking new ground,” she explained. “Playboy has an edition with Braille wording, but there are no pictures.”

Murphy’s masterpiece contains 17 provacative pics, including:
A naked woman in a ‘disco pose’
::: Donna Summer? :::
A woman with ‘perfect breasts’
::: Wait. I don’t remember posing for that … :::
A ‘male love robot’
::: Like the one in my undie drawer? 😉 :::

WHEEEEE – YAY!
I love this idea! Braille imagery for everyone!!

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Dumb Bitch of the Day

Or Dumb Bitches … not sure … don’t care …

I do know that the dumb bitch(es) who are responsible for the fuckupery that was yesterday’s AL.com headline hierarchy need a good old-fashioned (dumb) bitchslappin’!

KAPLOW!

I mean, little Ryne Hicks looks all adorable and whatnot hangin’ off of Flavor Flav’s next necklace and everything, and I’m sure his parents are just soooo proud of their precious snowflake and all but, uhh, is it just me or does it seem odd fucking ridiculous to slot a story about the third-place winner in the 2009 Year of Alabama Small Downtown Contest as your lede?

THIRD PLACE?!
I mean, I’m not a mathmetician or third-place statewide poetry winner or anything but, uhh, isn’t that like TWO away from first (neither of which even rate a fucking mention in the story?!?!?)?

Eh, but maybe the dumb bitch(es) who decisionize shit placement on Al.com stuck it there because that crapass piece of homepage ‘art’ was the best they could do?

… not sure … don’t care …