Archive for April, 2010

Dumbass of the Day

A Florida man – separated from the missus for a measely four days – couldn’t handle not gettin’ handled and decided the most prudent way to procure the poontang was to go full-retard and TAKE IT, BITCHES!

The 24-year-old was *SHOCK* drunk when he went to the house where his bride was residing, removed an air-conditioning unit, climbed through the window and proceeded to TAKE IT, BITCHES!

‘Cept the little woman brought the ‘Hell Naw!’ to that action and called the cops on his alked-up ass.

When police arrived, Drunky McStupid walked away from them, refused to provide identification and was *SHOCK* put in handcuffs.

After being cuffed, he told the officer that he “has not gotten any in three weeks and he was going to get some.”

He was taken to jail – where is he will *SHOCK* surely ‘get some’. 😉


April 28, 2010 at 11:50 am 1 comment

Pontius Poultry!

* Am still deep in project but could not let this one go *

I don’t cook.
Never have. Never will.

Some of you may know this about me.

I used to feel just the teensiest bit 😦 about not wanting/liking/giving two fucking shits about cooking  – BUT NOT ANYMORE!

Because people who cook are some sick bitches, yo!

They are!!

How else can you explain the fuckery that is the ‘Chicken-on-the-Cross’ sacrilege makin’ the rounds disguised as the perfect Easter entrée?!

Didn’t make it this year?

— Moderately preheated grill
— One whole dressed chicken (3-4 lbs.)
— 1/4 cup olive oil
— 1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
— A small “Calvary-type” cross made of cedar to fit a 3- to 4-lb. fryer
::: yes, you read that right :::
2 or 31/2” steel nails (with heads)
::: yes, you read that right :::

Cue the WTF!

Thoroughly moisten the cedar cross with water and rub olive oil over the entire surface of the bird.

Attach the chicken’s wing tips, crucifixion-style, to the arms of the cross with the nails.

Place the chicken/cross combo on the grill rack and close lid.
Allow 1-1/2 to 2 hours to roast, basting periodically with vinegar.


But hey, who am I to judge … if you like that gak, you’ll probably love the Holocaust-inspired ‘Gas-Chamber-Gazpachoor ‘Spanish-Inquisition-Ceviche’!

Just be sure to serve ’em with a side of ‘God’ll Smite You’ salad and a glass of ‘Cloud Nine’ wine or all hell could break loose!

Just sayin’ …

April 25, 2010 at 10:42 pm 5 comments


April 18, 2010 at 8:26 pm 2 comments

The Holy Braille

Lisa Murphy is a sweet, sweet slice of the rare comingling of awesomeness and ingenuity rarely seen these days.

She’s a visionary – one of those bold thinkers who dare to do what others won’t: Bring boobies and booty to the blind.


Murphy has launched a porn mag for the vision-impaired called Tactile Minds which contains tingle-inducing text alongside raised images of nekkidness – all of which you can enjoy for around $230 US!
::: digs for checkbook :::

She said that she made the book after realising that the ‘blind have been left out in a culture saturated with sexual images’.

“We’re breaking new ground,” she explained. “Playboy has an edition with Braille wording, but there are no pictures.”

Murphy’s masterpiece contains 17 provacative pics, including:
A naked woman in a ‘disco pose’
::: Donna Summer? :::
A woman with ‘perfect breasts’
::: Wait. I don’t remember posing for that … :::
A ‘male love robot’
::: Like the one in my undie drawer? 😉 :::

I love this idea! Braille imagery for everyone!!

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April 14, 2010 at 10:26 am 3 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Day

Or Dumb Bitches … not sure … don’t care …

I do know that the dumb bitch(es) who are responsible for the fuckupery that was yesterday’s headline hierarchy need a good old-fashioned (dumb) bitchslappin’!


I mean, little Ryne Hicks looks all adorable and whatnot hangin’ off of Flavor Flav’s next necklace and everything, and I’m sure his parents are just soooo proud of their precious snowflake and all but, uhh, is it just me or does it seem odd fucking ridiculous to slot a story about the third-place winner in the 2009 Year of Alabama Small Downtown Contest as your lede?

I mean, I’m not a mathmetician or third-place statewide poetry winner or anything but, uhh, isn’t that like TWO away from first (neither of which even rate a fucking mention in the story?!?!?)?

Eh, but maybe the dumb bitch(es) who decisionize shit placement on stuck it there because that crapass piece of homepage ‘art’ was the best they could do?

… not sure … don’t care …

April 13, 2010 at 10:13 am 3 comments

Gather ‘Round The Disco Bald

Jim Eastabrook is SO giving Philip Levine the side-eye!

While it’s true and I can’t deny that nobody rocks a rug like Jim Eastabrook – it’s got to be said that across this whole and entire planet there is NOBODY who bedazzles his baldness like Philip Levine!

“I thought why not use it as a canvas, paint and attach things to my head using the border of where my hair would be,” he said.


Just look at those coiffureless creations!

For four years, the 28-year-old London-based cultural attaché, club promoter and all-around trend-setter, has been using his “lengthening forehead” as a canvas.
With the assistance and artistic expertise of body painter Kat Sinclair, Levine’s creative cranium has become something of an underground phenomenon in the clubs of London.

But his head became truly H-O-T when it got called up from the minors and landed in the mainstream of English art-and-design discussion the day Levine debuted his “crystal” head.


“Using hundreds of thumbtack-sized Swarovski crystals, Levine has created a swooping, shimmery, rockabilly mane. It’s apparently magic in the sunlight. It’s also pleasantly transitory – the crystals begin to fall off after a day’s wear,” a reporter recently wrote.


On average the designs take two hours to create, but some of the more elaborate have taken up to five hours and are therefore reserved for parties.

Damn! I knew there was something I forgot to bring to the b’day fest this weekend!


April 12, 2010 at 10:14 am 1 comment


There is serious shit going down in Denmark, people!

The decisionizers at the Carlsberg brewery went all ‘beer only during lunchbreaks, slackers!’ and the warehouse staff victims went all ‘fuck that noise, fuckers’ and walked the fuck OUT!


A spokesbloke for the world’s fourth-largest brewery said “We think times have changed and we need an alcohol policy that is accepted by society – 93% of Danish companies have an alcohol policy.”

Hey there LEMMING! Whatever happened to being bold? Going against the grain?? Doing it your own way and shit???
I mean, what’s next? You tyrants gonna limit breaktime, too? What about the amount of TP used in the WC?!

It’s a slippery slope!
Where does the madness end?????

“There has been free beer, water and soft drinks everywhere. [This week] beers were removed from all refrigerators. The only place you can get a beer in future is in the canteen, at lunch.”


Carlsberg drivers claim they have the right to have up to three beers per day outside lunch hours and warehouse workers say they share that entitlement – a claim the brewer shockingly disputes.

Where oh where is Lech Walesa when you need him?!

Soldier on plebians … soldier on …


April 9, 2010 at 10:06 am 1 comment

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