Posts tagged ‘personal’

What a pain!



TWO THREE DAY MIGRAINE
TWO THREE DAY MIGRAINE
TWO THREE DAY MIGRAINE

*and there wasn’t even any booze involved, DAMNIT!*

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April 30, 2009 at 9:58 pm

Tan on fire


A South Carolina man escaped from a tanning bed as it burst into flames this week.

tanfireDude was gettin’ his melanoma on when he heard a ‘popping noise’, looked down and saw a flame at the corner of the bed near his foot.
Mr. Quickthinker threw open the lid, jumped out and ran.

Oh sorry!

None of this retarded mess is, like,  newsworthy or anything – I just got a serious case of the tee hees picturing his twig and berries roasting over the UV fire is all.
::: Being easily amused is like being on vacation all the time!!! :::

Can you just imagine the color he could have gotten if he hadn’t pussed out and panicked!
::: WIMP!!! :::

Hey hotstuff!

If your shit’s still sizzlin’ – might I suggest you spend a little time chillin’ that junk in the Mush Room of Sweden’s Icehotel? Yeah – it’s cool like that …

March 11, 2009 at 3:18 pm 2 comments

GIRLCRUSH!!!!!!!!!


I think I’m in love with another woman.
Don’t worry … I think Mr. Cookie won’t mind.

413-profile_harding_03-08-2009_arlingtons_4bs2uvqembeddedprod_affiliate58<—- Meet Whitney Harding.

Whitney is a 39-year-old Lone Star mama who juggles several jobs, including being a wife and mother of two, being her block’s resident MILF (look at that hot slut – no lie!) while also acting as the new PTA council president in her kids’ school district, volunteering at their school and selling cosmetics.

Bitch is busy, ‘kay?

But somewhere in the mangled mess of her daily ‘Must Do’ list she still finds time for what really matters.

Roller Derby.

She’s the blocker for the Dallas Derby Devils league’s ‘Slaughterers’ – her derby handle is ‘Homewrecker’ and she’s 20 different kind of ready to knock a rival skank OUT when duty calls.
:::   :::

“I like a good solid hit,” she said. “It’s just about making a good solid hit, helping your jammer get through the pack.”

Oh my God I love her SO much!!!!!

When I was a kid my mom would take me to Oxmoor Ice Lodge to play mixed-youth hockey. You just cannot beat that shit!

With just a little padding, a helmet and skates I was transformed each week into an adolescent, ice-bound KILLING MACHINE.

Seriously! Once practice was over and our coach was gone – the rink opened up to the date-night lovey-dovey’s and that’s when I’d kick it into hyperdrive, get my speed skate on ’round rink’s edge – going faster and Faster and FASTER – before picking out a coupla handholders and BUSTIN’ THOSE BITCHES APART!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!
It was the BEST!

Ooohhhhh I’d forgotten how much I loved it, how much I missed that kind of excitement, how much I still want to knock shit down!!

Whitney has put her derby voodoo mojo on me and awakened an inner desire that I’m not sure I can ignore!

I just may have to trot my buns down to the Broward County Derby Grrls’ Fresh Meat Sunday and bust a bitch down move!

… I just need to think of a super way cool total HBIC derby nickname …

SOURCE

March 9, 2009 at 5:50 pm 15 comments

Edumakashun!


Hottie smartypants Jonathan Jarvis provides, perhaps, the best and most succinct explanation of the credit crisis I’ve heard yet! What do you think?

March 1, 2009 at 7:46 pm 3 comments

Jesus Saves … car dealership?


Jesus Sightings: They’re not just for crazy old ladies staring at the floor for weeks on end!
::: YAY JESUS FOR EVERYONE!!! :::

PT_301357_ROTH_jesus_3Case in point: In the center of a door in a Dade City, Florida used car sales manager’s office is a wood stain about 3 feet tall that some folks are swearing up, down and sideways looks juuuust like the Lamb of God himself!
::: Get a good deal on a used Saturn and see your Savior at the same time?!? Now that’s what I call one-stop shopping!! :::

“Anybody who’s seen pictures of the burial cloth and image of Christ that’s on that cloth — that same image is on that door,” said Chip Davis, who runs a paintless dent removal service that services the Jarrett Ford Lincoln Mercury dealership.

Really?
The exact same identically corresponding one???

‘Cuz I just don’t see the Great Splotch of Supreme Spirituality when I look at that stain.

I do, however, see a remarkably striking resemblance to Cousin It.

See it?
Sure you do!
Take away the top hat and it’s an Addams Family moment all the way!

But my homegirl — and fellow hellbound non-believing heathen — Ruth Johnson thinks “it looks a little bit like Sasquatch.”
::: mmmm hmm – I feel that ::: 

And customer James Bauman Jr.?
He first described it as “Christ in a Jedi outfit,” then as a “Persian king.”
James thinks the stain is really, truly, deeply meaningful.
“I believe the Rapture is just around the corner,” he said.
::: James may want to lay off the Natty Light before giving his next interview ::: 

Cliff Martin, the dealership’s general manager, doesn’t attach spiritual significance to the office door. But at least he was honest enough to admit he doesn’t mind if the Discoloration of Demented Devotion brought more bodies through the door.
::: Those cars aren’t going to sell themselves, now are they?!? ::: 

“I like to say we’re blessed but we’re not breaking any sales records, so maybe we’re just blessed to be in business.”

Jesus Saves …

SOURCE
DOOR PHOTO: Lance Aram Rothstein – St. Petersburg Times

February 7, 2009 at 4:11 pm 24 comments

Triple Threat


coldbs
The unholy triumvirate pictured above have hearts so witch’s-titty-in-a-brass-bra cold that the Prince of Darkness had better start praying for their rehabilitation or his shit really will freeze over!

Word is these sluts formulated a revenge plot so ruthless that it left a former friend with frostbite so severe she could lose parts of one or both feet.
::: VICIOUS!! :::

22-year-old Maria Contreras-Luciano (left), 21-year-old Dyanne Velasquez (center) and 20-year-old Amber Crespo (right) face kidnapping, assault and conspiracy charges related to the alleged arctic abandonment of a 19-year-old woman who was pushed from a car …  into a snowbank  … at night … on the side of a New Jersey road … in a heavily-wooded area … wearing only a party dress and one shoe … in eight-degree weather.
::: This ain’t Survivor, bitches!! :::

The polar payback came after the victim had a car accident and sued Ho #3’s  insurance company, which prompted the skinsack to get her lunatic scream on, shouting “If you’re going to sue me then I’m going to kill you!” … whiiiich garnered her a bonus third degree charge of making terroristic threats!
::: How do you spell ringleader? C-R-E-S-P-O!!! :::

The trio “planned and plotted … to dress up and go to an imaginary party,” North Bergen Lt. Frank Cannella said.  In the ruckus of having her caboose forcibly removed from the car, one of the victim’s shoes fell off.

 “She ran back to the car and pleaded to be let back inside, but the women sped away, leaving her stranded with no cell phone, the lieutenant said.”

A passing motorist stopped and let the gelid girl use a cell phone but “refused to give her a ride because she didn’t want to get involved”.
::: Oh please Oh Please OH PLEASE tell me she got a tag number?!?! :::

Eventually, a motorist with a working brain and functioning heart stopped and took the teen to Englewood Hospital.

Can I have ‘They Sure Sound Guilty To Me‘ for $800, Alex?

PHOTOS COURTESY OF NORTH BERGEN POLICE

January 29, 2009 at 4:49 pm 3 comments

Hillbilly Hicksquad 1 – Wascally Wabbits 0


A report of gunfire within city limits sends the police running to a wooded area near Titusville, Alabama.
::: Oooo gunfire — that sounds SERIOUS!! ::: 

“We saw four males and they started running,” said South Precinct Sgt. Gary Clark
::: Evasion tactics! WOW!!! :::

“When we caught them, they had a shotgun and bag full of rabbits.” 
::: … a bag fulla… uhh, whuh?!? :::

Oh sure, it’s against the law to fire a gun within the city limits and all and I’m sure the folks living in that neighborhood had nooooo problem whatsoever with the moonlight morons ‘cuz the kindly poeleece mayun said the bunny blasters didn’t know they were breaking the little ol’ law by gettin their Elmer Fudd on — so no harm no foul, right?!?
::: uhh, technically … I guess? ::: 

“It was tense for a moment because we didn’t know what we had,” he  said. “… it was a good thing that they weren’t shooting somebody.” 
::: HAHAHAHA — you said it, Sarge! Can you imagine?!? A bag full of … oh I dunno, dead baby or something?!? HAHAHA – good thing indeed!!! ::: 

One man had an outstanding warrant and *SHOCK* was taken into custody – but the others were allowed to leave and take their bag full of dead bunny on home.
::: Sumpin’ fer thuh missus, Yee-HAW!!! ::: 

“Country boys — that’s all they were,”  the kindly poeleece mayun said.
::: prolly MY dumbass rellies ::: 

I guess we have to assume the good ol’ boys had a good ol’ hunting license and didn’t go over their good ol’ kill limit of 8 … eh, whatevs – season ends February 28, boys — better git ta gittin’!!

January 25, 2009 at 8:23 pm 15 comments

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