Posts tagged ‘crime’

FELINE FUCKERY!


Cat person or not — crap like this should make you want to immediately stop whatever you’re doing and go coin-diggin’ in the car or couch so you can start a collection or host a telethon or some shit to help these heinous humans BUY A GODDAMNED CLUE!!!!!

ACK!!!

Meet the Eskew family of Port St. Lucie, Florida: Jackbag James, Shithead Sheila and Jessica, their dumbass daughter.
————————–>

These evolutionary-scale throwbacks were arrested on animal cruelty charges after they decided it would be just a big ol’ slice of HELL YEAH to pack up everything for their pending move to North Cackalackee.

And by ‘pack up everything‘ I mean force more than 20 of their furry friends into wooden boxes coffins, nail the lids closed and dump ’em in the neighbor’s yard.

me-OWW!!!

Now — animal cruelty charges are all find and good (actually — it’s the LEAST that should happen to these sick tricks) but I think this troublesome trio should also be charged with whatever criminal thingamabob, trip to detention or mark on their permanent records goes along with depriving the larger community of what couldda been catastically comical!

CURSE YOU CAT-HATERS!

I mean, have they never had the pleasure of the LOLCATS pussies?
Are they not hip to the trip that is a YouTube kitty vid?
funnycatpix.com?!
zomgcatz.com?!?
roflcat.com?!?!

No?!
Grrrr!

Get with the program inbreeders!
Don’t make me invoke the spirit of Beethoven and come after your retarded asses!!

SOURCE

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May 4, 2010 at 3:56 pm 3 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Day


Springfield, Missouri’s Caitlen Watkins of was driving around the parking lot of her local shopping center and had just found a spot to her liking when another driver swooped in and snagged the spot for himself.

Don’t you just hate it when that happens?
Yeah … Caitlen does too.

But, being the fine, upstanding young woman, role model and future leader that she is, Caitlen simply shrugged off the stolen spot and went on her merry way.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Noooooo.

She put on her pissy pants, channeled every ounce if idiotic rage she could muster and got her stab on!!
::: … over a parking spot … :::

But see, Caitlen’s all ‘can-do’ like that.
It’s just how she rolls.

— She can and does react to everyday situations inappropriately
— She can and does make horrifically poor decisions
— And now – the 18-year-old can and will partake of the varied amenities and gangly band of rejects joining her at the county lockup.
::: … over a parking spot … her parents must be SO proud … :::

According to court documents, Caitlen and some secondary asswad who was with her in the car went all ‘Oh no you di’INT!’ and confronted the spot stealer, which led to a fight, which led to the other driver suffering a punctured kidney after being stabbed half a dozen times with the wooden-handled, 5-inch icepick Caitlen apparently keeps around for point-making opportunities such as this one.
::: MYYYYY  parking spot, biatch!!! MUAHAHAHA!!! :::

The other driver went to the hospital.
Caitlen went to the pokey.
::: Bet she learns REAL fast how it got that name! 😉 :::

She has been charged with first-degree assault and armed criminal action.

But don’t worry — look how  pretty she is!!
————————>
She’ll make LOTS of special new friends inside!

Caitlen, hon?
Smidge of advice?
Angry, imbecilic and operating at full retard is no way to go through life, kid …

SOURCE

December 23, 2009 at 11:20 am 2 comments

Whatever gets you through …


Ever had one of those days when a diversion chock-full of healthy ackhilariosity and fortified silliation isn’t just welcome … it’s necessary?

Well, I had one of those bad bitches yesterday and let me just tell you — drinking will definitely bring the ahhhhh, but investing in the unusual, unnecessary or undeniably degenerate  is what will really cut the shyte!

Frealz!
It’s totally theraputic!

Sometimes it’s supplies for sexy times from Sassy Kat, sometimes I just want a taste of Teavana’s ambrosial offerings and sometimes I need a double dose of ethnic chic that only Soul Sistah can supply.

believeingodBut for days when everything seems to be turned upside-down on a sideways hill in the rain there is only one option.

Perpetual Kid

My absolute 100% all-time FAVORITE ‘get fun shit’ place on the planet, Perpetual Kid caters to the functionally crazy like no one else.
::: Just like the Sharpie standing watch over my desktop pen army … Perpetual Kid speaks to me. :::

No day is complete without gettin’ my God on with some piously pepperminty breath spray and adding a little ba-da BLING to my boo boos is the bomb! And can I just tell you? My dead body towel has never failed to provide a quiet day at the beach.

Make some Tic Tac Toast; munch some Ugly Little Bitch mints or slip your best girl some “Birth Control” – whatever!

The point is that this crap has kept my funkatated ass from going twelve kinds of Chris Brown on folks more than once … and because I am getting a slight kickback for this post care — DEEPLY — about your well-being, I am sharing this time-tested strategerie for solutionizing your sanity.

I mean, it’s gotta be a better use of your money than bail, right? Right? …

April 9, 2009 at 3:54 pm 7 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Month


I feel cheated!
Duped!!
SWINDLED!!!
 

geninecomptonHere I’ve been, thinking Genine Compton was a pro!
She did have all the earmarks of one, after all!
Supreme sefishness!
Total disregard for others!!
Bad grammar and blind bitchitude!!! 

She had it all, didn’t she?
I thought Genine would go all the way to the Dumb Bitch Championships, but now that I’ve seen a real pro – a crackerjackin action, I’m thinking I should probably revoke even her Dumb Bitch of the Day honors.

I mean, all Genine summoned the stupidity to do was breast-feed her brat while talking on her cellphone … in the car … that she just happened to be driving at the time.

cokeymomLaughably losery and impressive by novice multi-tasking standards but totally bush league when you stack her shenanigans up against master moron Renee Vanalsburg — March’s Dumb Bitch of the Month and for sure DB Hall of Fame shoo in.

Because Renee doesn’t just put her tyke on the tit and go for a drive. Anyone can do that shit!

Renee lets her baby bond with mommy’s breastesses with a booze back and blow chaser!!
::: SUPER ACHIEVER!!! :::

Police discovered the trilateral transgression when they responded to a domestic dispute call at a house where Lactose Incarcerant and her ‘better half’ were staying.

The po po rolled up on the scene to find the Florida Mother[fucker] of the Year candidate breastfeeding her baby while ‘clearly drunk and high’.
::: Because if you’re gonna go for it – GO BIG! ::: 

crackshirtThey did a little legal looky-loo and found a bottle of oxycodone and a tin with white powder in the baby’s crib before spying broken glass, ant killer, spray paint and knives scattered on floor of the baby’s room.

Knowing that Cartel Chic isn’t all the rage in nursery design, Johnny Law got to suspectin’ that Mommy Dreariest and baby daddy Marc Rush might not be such primo parents and arrested the duncetastic duo on child neglect charges.

Oh sure, sure — it all sounds pretty harsh right now and all, but you just KNOW the cherished family retelling of  ‘the time mommy’s boozified tatas got her busted’ is gonna be THE highlight at Junior’s sweet 16!

Yup – that’s gonna be soooooome party!

SOURCE

March 23, 2009 at 5:02 pm 3 comments

Felonious free-for-all?


So the New Great Depression is kind of a bummer for most folks, what with losing their jobs, their houses, their entire life savings, their health care, their identity and their self-respect and all …

… but do you know who it’s good for?

FELONS, that’s who!
:::  … always two sides … ::: 

With state budgets in Defcon 5 panic mode – governors, legislators and prison officials across the country are rethinking that whole ‘justice for all’ concept and making policy changes that would put Big Stan, The Ox and Lester the Child Molester back on your block aaaaany time now.
::: Get the Welcome Wagon ready! ::: 

Prior to this fiscal crisis, legislators could tinker around the edges – but we’re now well past the tinkering stage,” said Marc Mauer, executive director of the Sentencing Project, which advocates alternatives to incarceration.
::: Putting the hood back in your ‘hood one day at a time! :::

“Many political leaders who weren’t comfortable enough, politically, to do it before can now,” he said
::: ‘I’m sorry Parolee # 286998 hacked your family to death — but think of the money you’ll save on tuition! :::

TOOT TOOOT!!!
All aboard the freedom train!

Virginia Governor Tim Kaine is proposing early release of about 1,000 inmates.
::: Thugtastic! :::

New York Governor David Paterson wants early release for 1,600 inmates.
::: Shankerific! :::

And Kentucky recently implemented a ‘temporary’ cost-cutting program that’s given early release to nearly 2,000 inmates … including murderers and other violent offenders!
::: ‘cuz why should child-touchers and embezzlers have all the fun! :::

“There’s a new openness to taking a look,” said Michigan Senator Alan Cropsey, a Republican who in the past has questioned prison-reform proposals but — now that everyone can blame everything on the economy — isn’t gonna waste precious time thinkinating and solutionizing.

And who would?
Pansy ass liberals – that’s who!

Wussy hippie alarmists — like Thomas Sneddon, executive director of the National District Attorneys Association — are all ‘uhh, maybe there’s a better way guys???’

“I don’t think the public at large has any idea of who’s in these prisons,” he whined. “If they went and visited, they’d say ‘My God, don’t let any of these people out.'”

Actually, it’d be more like ‘ OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT! He’s in for WHAT?!?’
But who cares! A penny saved, right? 

Cue BCO share takeoff in 3 … 2 …

SOURCE

January 10, 2009 at 11:21 pm 17 comments

I can’t wait for the CSI episode


Some dumb bitch is so upset over a wig … that was stolen … from her head … in the middle of the street … at 3 in the whore-ning … that she got all ‘I’m tellin’ about it.
::: this has ‘field sobriety test’ written all over it … ::: wig

According to the official police report, dingbat was stumbling walking home at 3 a.m. from a kegger or coke party or some shit when along comes an ex-boyfriend or pimp or some shit … on a bicycle … calls her a doo doo head or some shit and yanks the rug right off her halfwit head — which had to hurt since that shit was sewn to her real hair.
::: I’m guessing he got more than a smidge of skin too … :::

Now, me? I don’t believe it.

Not the wig-snatchy part … the part about her having an ex-boyfriend.
I can’t believe there is a man alive who would give up a woman this classy!

But, alas, her sad tale of woe seems somewhat, sort of, if the light is juuussst right … credible.

Miss Elegant Nightshade told the cops the wig-puller-offer had been her fucky times house partner for about eight months. Oh sure, they were close and all – like lovers get – and it’s just a darned ol’ shame that – what with all the Jack, Coke and Crystal Meth stress of the night – she could remember his first name but only the first letter of his last name.
::: Itshhh thahd ashhh T’hommee … T’hommeeee … uh … it  stahrz whitthuh, whitthuh  … ESSSSS!!  T’hommeee Essssss…sumf’n … :::

As dumb bitch luck would have it, Mr. Snatchyhands called baldie’s cell phone while the 5-0 were on scene
::: Yay!! :::

 … then he hung up when they used that sneaky cop maneuver of asking for his last name.
::: ACK! FOILED!!! :::

… the investigation continues …

December 3, 2008 at 5:04 pm 3 comments

Pirate puss out in 3… 2…


Just who exactly is running these rinky dink pirate outfits these days?
Seriously! They don’t seem all that badass to me.

artnauticacruiseprestigeThey get all ‘gimme gimme’ when it comes to hijacked oil tankers and confiscated container ships full of wheat but put a cruise ship in their sights and they flat-out forget how to get their attack on!
::: Aaarrrgghhh!! :::

This weekend a bunch of sea bandits saw dollar signs when they spotted a passenger vessel off the coast of Yemen. They were headed straight for a good old fashioned hah-jakkin’ when the ginormously huge 30,000-ton luxury cruise ship pulled a not-fast-at-all one, took ‘evasive measures’ and outran their freeboatin’ fannies.
And by ‘evasive measures’ we mean the captain kicked that bad boy into slightly-faster-than-sitting-still gear and gunned it to a light-breeze inducing 27mph!
::: Whooshifica … wait. What?!? :::

Twenty seven miles per hour …

somali_piratesAre these buccaneers rowing toward the booty?
Are they paddling their way to the purloined property?
Are they using a trolling motor for transport?

Twenty seven miles per hour …

The arthritic blind septuagenarian down the street can work his walker faster than that for crying out loud!!!
::: It’s true. I’ve chased him a couple of times in my car. Gramps can go! :::

You know what? This cruise ship deal just doesn’t seem very piratey to me.
Time was, oceangoing terrorism actually meant something!

The number of pirate attacks this year has shot up faster than Amy Winehouse in a Camden crackhouse! The International Maritime Bureau cites more than 90 pirate attacks off East Africa alone.

And when the blundering bucs aren’t being outrun by luxury liners moving at a glacial pace, they do occasionally make it to the hijacking phase (or ‘lightning round’ as it’s called in the biz) where the scores can really change!

That’s when the swarthy swashbucklers take the stolen ships to Somali waters and wait to find out if anyone gives enough of a shit about the vessel and crew to cough up some cool ransom cashola.

So far this year, bilge suckers have raked in an estimated $150 million.

$150 million!!! And still they can’t get a boat capable of outrunning a lumbering sea mass like The Nautica?

I may be just a silly ol’ landlubber, but I’d say it’s time for a management change at the ol’ Marauders Club.

December 2, 2008 at 4:35 pm 6 comments

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