Archive for July, 2008

Lone Star Hate

What is it about Texas that turns high school cheerleaders and their mothers 20 shades of batshit crazy?

Back in the ’90s we had “Pom Pom Mom” Wanda Holloway who hired hit man to murder her 13 year-old daughter’s cheer rival.
Bitch put a contract out on an eighth grader!!!
In case you didn’t know, that’s what crazy looks like.  –>

Last year we were treated to a bunch of dive-roll divas dubbed the ‘Fab Five’ who terrorized folks at a school near Dallas with their ‘chocolate tampons’, peeny-pics and tawdry texts.

And now we have the lovely ladies of the Morton Ranch High School varsity squad who apparently got a little frisky, mixed a whole bunch of überbitch with absolutely no common sense and turned a recent JV-to-V induction breakfast into a possible criminal incident.
::: CLASSY!! :::

Allegations surfaced this week that the school’s varsity squad “kidnapped” junior varsity members … blindfolded them, bound their hands and mouths with duct tape and tossed them into a swimming pool.”
::: NOT nice, Buffy!! :::

And “when a girl (BEEP) in her pants and puts her pants on another girl’s head, that’s just disgusting,” the sister of one of the JV casualties cheerleaders told the local ABC station.

You know, I’d flat out cut a bitch for BEEPing on me!
::: They troped their own copy! WTF?!? :::

But the most precious part of this whole retarded mess isn’t the BEEPing or the binding — it’s some hagbag called CHEERMOM001 on the local station’s message boards. She ranted, raved and refreshed that browser for 15 fun-filled hours … and counting!
::: can you say obsessive-compulsive, control-freak, probably guilty-by-association stay-at-home stage-mom? I can! … It hurts, but I can say it. :::

I particularly like the way she came back from her ‘break’ at 1:18 this morning to find that someone (tee hee) had sneakily engaged her keyboard’s capslock.

She brought the crazy into the wee hours of the morning – then *poof* – just like her daughter’s alibi – CHEERMOM001 was gone!
Some lunacy with your lunch?

7/30/08 2:38 PM EDT
::: BT-WHAT!? :::

7/30/08 2:49 PM EDT
::: she meant touched … not blessed. But I would pray if I were anywhere near Katy, Texas – Mamma was probably loadin’ buckshot between sentences. :::    


::: Ruh roh — too much sniffy-sniff makes mommy a bad typist … umm, and paranoid!  :::

Oh but it’s just that kind of special when people get all liquored worked up, fire up the Dell and congregate in an atmosphere of mutual hatred on a barely-moderated message board!

Virtual finger-pointing! Legal threats!! Written threats!!!
Better than the last Grisham novel!

Oh crazy Texans – you do make us laugh (and laugh and laaauuuugh …)

July 31, 2008 at 6:34 pm 15 comments

Mindin’ his biznass

Time for white folks, pundits and geezers to freak the fuck out!

A black person has issued forth verbiage that could potentially, just maybe – in the right lighting if the earth is spinning at the appropriate speed and you are peering at the words through the looking glass at a perfect 90 degree angle – be interpreted as ‘offensive‘ and ‘hurtful’ to my boyfriend’s quest for world domination the U.S. Presidency.

But isn’t that just Ludacris is being, uhh, well – ludicrous?!?

Lyrics to his new song ‘Politics: Obama is here’ have been released and the general consensus is that Luda done lost his mind, y’all!

“This song is not only outrageously offensive to Senator Clinton, Reverend Jackson, Senator McCain, and President Bush, it is offensive to all of us who are trying to raise our children with the values we hold dear,” the campaign said.
“While Ludacris is a talented individual he should be ashamed of these lyrics.”
::: Poor Luda — c’mere — I gots yer hug right here sweetums :::

Wait – did I write that right? The campaign said?
Oh yeah, that’s right. Well they’d have to because you KNOW Yummy Tummy was jammin’ to that bad boy on his iPod at the gym!

Hillary hated on you, so that bitch is irrelevant
Jesse talking slick and apologizing for what?
if you said it then you meant it how you want it have a gut!
and all you other politicians trying to hate on my man,
watch us win a majority vote in every state on my man
you can’t stop what’s bout to happen, we bout to make history
the first black president is destined and it’s meant to be
the threats ain’t fazing us, the nooses or the jokes
so get off your ass, black people, it’s time to get out and vote!
paint the White House black and I’m sure that’s got ‘em terrified
McCain don’t belong in ANY chair unless he’s paralyzed
Yeah I said it cause Bush is mentally handicapped

I mean, ok – I may not agree with all of the above but I gotta say I’m not finding too much issue with his Bush comment.
::: juvenile tee hees all around! :::

But ok — so we have to have a controversy about it and ‘the campaign’ had to issue a damning statement.
::: yawn :::

I think O’Baby and Luda-FOIN-ASS-cris should settle this the old fashioned way:
Nude K-Y Wrestling Match!

Don’t worry, I’ll totally referee!!

July 30, 2008 at 8:03 pm 3 comments

Well now that that’s done …

Well butter my buns and call me First Lady!
::: No, really. I’d like it. :::

While Big Mac was reportedly bagging Britney and Paris for a skankerific new campaign ad, the Washington Post decided to just give us the terrorist-sympathizing, fist-jabber president we deserve already.

Woo hoo!! Prom here we come!

July 30, 2008 at 4:20 pm 2 comments

Oh God! What if it’s Dick Cheney!?!

Rumor has it that ABC is giving the full-court press to ‘a major American political figure’ to compete on the next season of ‘Dancing With the Stars’.

I got soooo super-duper excited thinking about my boyfriend shakin’ what his mamma gave him that I did my super-special happy dance down the 2nd floor hallway, waved my lighter in mock tribute a little too close to the sprinkler system and got everyone an extra 30 for lunch.

Who can blame me, right?

After seeing O’Beautiful shake his moneymaker on the Ellen Degeneres show, I was all HELL TO THE YEAH at the thought!
O’Baby’s got back!

I’ve seen him dancin’
To hell with romancin’
He’s sweat, wet,
Got me goin’ like a turbo ‘Vette

But then totally RUINED my O’buzz with news that DWTS ‘insiders’ confirmed the politician is *thud* former vice president Dan ‘What A Dumbass’ Quayle. Apparently he’s “on the short bus list” of stars in final negotiations.

I’m thinking he couldn’t pass the entrance exam for ‘Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader’ so he’ll mangle the Mashed Potatoe instead.

July 29, 2008 at 6:20 pm 1 comment


Ok, so actress Maria ‘I’ve-Always-Been-Anti-Marriage’ Bello is engaged and isn’t that sweet and blah blah blah.

She and her “musician, artist and part-time waiter” boyfriend Bryn Mooser haven’t set an actual date or anything wedding-y like that – but they did confirm that they “fell in love over a sheer passion of politics, Africa and cryptozoology.”

::: So that’s what they’re calling it these days, huh … :::

Wouldn’t it be a slice of complete AWESOME if they set up a table at the reception with place cards for Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster and a couple of Hobbit hotties from the bridal party?
Good times!!!

You know who else I bet gets a special invite?
Jake Gyllenhaal.

Girlfriend may want to consult a therapist about what’s really going on in her heart of hearts because she is totally bumpin’ bootie with a poor man’s version of the Jakester.

Take away the crazy hair and they’re the Olsen twins!
… well, Olsens with peen …



July 29, 2008 at 4:08 pm 2 comments

Bottom of the barrel: A first glimpse

Jessica Simpson is on FIRE, y’all!

According to a remarkably embellished PR Newswire release – the ‘international music, fashion, TV and movie star’ is sooo hot that the Fallsview Casino Resort (located at Niagara Falls, New York the epicenter of the international music, fashion, TV and movie star UNIVERSE) has had to add a second show just to accommodate her many tens of fans!!!!
::: You gotta give the people what they want!! :::

  “Ms. Simpson’s show sold out as quickly as any we’ve ever had here at
Fallsview Casino over the last four years,” said Greg Medulun, Director of

And you know I just do not doubt that for One. Split. Second!!!!

Casino crawlers are used to the very best their entertainment dollars will buy – Wayne Newton notwithstanding!
Those blue hairs’ll be all hopped up on Schnapps and Vicks VapoRub after gettin’ their guffaws watching the antiquated Smothers Brothers ‘mom always liked you best-athon’ and movin’ and groovin’ to the sound of the World Rock Symphony Orchestra …  and that is all before  Chestica ever takes the stage!!!
::: Better check the batteries in those defibrillators, guys! :::

Dang girl – that is one red-hot concert series there!!

Do let me know when the tour comes to Woodland’s Middle School, mm’kay?

July 28, 2008 at 3:57 pm

Shia LeBeouf wouldn’t make it in Iran

So it was all party party party this weekend … ‘cept for Iran where a bunch of henchmen got together to hang about 30 people convicted of crimes including:

  • Murder (Ok yeah, that’s a bad thing)
  • Murder in commission of a crime (umm hmm yeah — ‘nuther bad one)
  • Being involved in illegal relationships — relationships between men and women who are not married to each other (sexy time in Iran = married time … got it!)
  • Being a public nuisance while drunk (wait. what?)
  • My first thought when reading that list was ‘Damn, I’m glad I don’t live in Iran!’.

    My next thought was ‘Damn, I kinda wish Madonna lived in Iran.’

    Then I thought ‘I bet Shia LaBeouf is glad he doesn’t live in Iran!’

    Hollywood’s favorite Shia-pet was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving Sunday about 3 a.m. when he rolled his truck after smacking it into another car. LeBooBoo bunged up his head, hand and knee.

    “It was immediately apparent to officers responding on the scene that LaBeouf was intoxicated and he was subsequently placed under arrest,” one officer said.

    This would seem like some sort of watered-down kiddie version of ‘strike 3’ – except there were other people involved … and injured.

    Just by way of recap:
    LeBonehead was ticketed early last year for ‘unlawful smoking’ (1) and then busted again in November (2) for being a colossal dumbass drunk in a Chicago Walgreens – which he blamed on being a slave to the bakky. And now this one (3).

    Hey Shithead — rehab is the new black.
    Think about it — before #4 leaves someone dead.

    ‘kay Boo Boo???

    July 28, 2008 at 1:03 pm 5 comments

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