Posts tagged ‘vanity’

Don’t worry …


“He’s not trying to be Michael Jackson.”

– Former Cubs employee and Slammin’ Sammy supporter Rebecca Polihronis

Uhhh huh.

“He is going through a rejuvenation process for his skin,” Becky sez.

Uhhh huh.

“Women have it all of the time,” blurted the Beckinator.

We also get the painful but rewarding Brazilian … is he trying that look too?
::: enquiring minds wanna know :::

“He was surprised he came out looking so white,” Reebee reported.

Uhhh huh.

“Part of (the photo appearance) is just the lighting,” the Reebster reasoned.

And here you thought the camera just added 10 pounds …

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November 10, 2009 at 10:50 am 1 comment

I can’t wait for the CSI episode


Some dumb bitch is so upset over a wig … that was stolen … from her head … in the middle of the street … at 3 in the whore-ning … that she got all ‘I’m tellin’ about it.
::: this has ‘field sobriety test’ written all over it … ::: wig

According to the official police report, dingbat was stumbling walking home at 3 a.m. from a kegger or coke party or some shit when along comes an ex-boyfriend or pimp or some shit … on a bicycle … calls her a doo doo head or some shit and yanks the rug right off her halfwit head — which had to hurt since that shit was sewn to her real hair.
::: I’m guessing he got more than a smidge of skin too … :::

Now, me? I don’t believe it.

Not the wig-snatchy part … the part about her having an ex-boyfriend.
I can’t believe there is a man alive who would give up a woman this classy!

But, alas, her sad tale of woe seems somewhat, sort of, if the light is juuussst right … credible.

Miss Elegant Nightshade told the cops the wig-puller-offer had been her fucky times house partner for about eight months. Oh sure, they were close and all – like lovers get – and it’s just a darned ol’ shame that – what with all the Jack, Coke and Crystal Meth stress of the night – she could remember his first name but only the first letter of his last name.
::: Itshhh thahd ashhh T’hommee … T’hommeeee … uh … it  stahrz whitthuh, whitthuh  … ESSSSS!!  T’hommeee Essssss…sumf’n … :::

As dumb bitch luck would have it, Mr. Snatchyhands called baldie’s cell phone while the 5-0 were on scene
::: Yay!! :::

 … then he hung up when they used that sneaky cop maneuver of asking for his last name.
::: ACK! FOILED!!! :::

… the investigation continues …

December 3, 2008 at 5:04 pm 3 comments

It’s true: Nothing is sacred


I came across a nifty little product this morning and I’m all ‘hahaha – I KNEW it!’
Hold on to your control tops ladies — our technology is out!

Apparently some men have done a reality check and are coming to grips with the fact that you can’t really pledge everlasting love and devotion to pizza and beer while waging a simultaneous battle against the bulge.
::: the first step is always admitting you have a problem … :::

Yup – they have embraced their inner fatty tight enough to come up with their very own Spanx-type item.
::: FREALZ!!! :::

Equmen has introduced its ‘Core Precision Undershirt’ which they tout as “High-performance men’s underwear with engineered compression technology energizes the body with essential structure and support.”
::: That’s marketing tekkie talk for sexxay! :::

So, while I may not be a fan of Mantyhose, I will admit that any device that can take a piece of manmeat from this:

to this:

has got my blessing … in triplicate!

Now which one of you hot tater’s out there is gonna model this shit for me?!?

December 1, 2008 at 5:47 pm 9 comments

Jessica Simpson is pregnant … in the lips


26459PCN_JessicaWhat in lard-lipped puckery pigfat hell happened to Jessica Simpson’s face?!?

Looks like someone got a little too cozy with the collagen … either that or she tried to suck off an entire hive of bees, which I would have paid good money to see and all … but, then again, I’d also pay good money to see drunk babies rollerskate … so, you know, you can’t go by me.

SOURCE

November 19, 2008 at 1:33 pm

Financial hardship is a hairy situation


America is morphing into a nation of fuglies!

I’m not talking the temporary-for-Halloween costume fug …  I’m talking permanent-for-REAL-fug!
And I didn’t just come to this realization after some recent (and very unfortunate) time spent staring at offending mom jeansers in CVS yesterday as I tried to snag last-minute Halloween candy bargains.

No no — it’s a fact!
America is going fug.
::: frealz! :::

Proof: L’Oreal.

The cosmetics giant shelled out big bucks on ad spending last quarter looking for big gains — but it was all for naught.

The vanity industry, it seems, is locked in the economic deathgrip that’s already claimed the auto industry, the banking industry, the housing industry, the travel industry and more every day. Consequently, L’Oreal found itself posting some pretty weak third quarter numbers – including a 5.7% decline in organic sales in North America.

And L’Oreal blames their sagging solvency on me — oh and YOU too, Mrs., Miss and Ms. America!

WE, they say, are to blame because of the “sharp drop in salon visits” WE made in North America last quarter.
::: Well, hey — if I have to choose between my hootch and my hair color — I think we all know where The Cookie’s money is going!! Am I right, ladies?!? Am I right?!? :::

OUR lack of salon patronage was the only point of weakness in North America the company discussed – but OUR lack of follicle-enhancing finances isn’t just killing L’Oreal.
Oh no – OUR poverty is a problem for L’Oreal’s competitors, too.
::: good thing misery loves company :::

According to Cyrus Bulsara, principal in Professional Consultants & Resources, “The average used to be every five to six weeks,” for hair coloring visits. “Now, women are waiting every six to eight weeks to have coloring done.” Everybody’s hurting.

So what’s the message here?
America: Your killing the economy! STOP BEING POOR and get your hair did already?

Nice reverse psychology try there, cosmetics conglomerators!
Like blaming your problems on my penniless ass – THEN trying to make me feel guilty about it is gonna
do anything except make me spend even more of my weave money on wine?!?
::: don’t you know me?!? :::

HAHAHAHAHA – that’s a knee-slapper for sure! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Oh damn — I laughed so hard I cried off part of my $9 Non-Waterproof, Hypoallergenic Telescopic Mascara!!!

October 31, 2008 at 5:34 pm 1 comment

CZJ enters the Bronze Age


What in the pimply fake bake hell is going on with Catherine Zeta-Jones’ face?!?
Bitch’s skin is all kinds of busted!

CZJ and Michael “The Crypt Keeper” Douglas were at the Global Leadership Awards Gala in New York City Wednesday night and, evidently, she thought it was a costume party … a Halloween costume party because she came made up as ‘Clown Catherine of the Land of Giant Pore’.

The only saving grace is that the shine coming off her skin is so intense it could actually temporarily blind innocent onlookers.
::: look away :::

Well, we hope it did.
::: look awaaayyyy!!!!! :::

October 2, 2008 at 8:51 pm 1 comment

Let’s face it …


Meg Ryan says her Hollywood career is nearly over and she’ll never be able to recapture her previous fame.
Why? Because she says there just aren’t enough good roles for women over 40.
::: Damn it all to hell and back! Who forgot to give the memo to Helen Mirren, Judy Dench, Diane Keaton, Meryl Streep, Annette Bening and Diane Lane?!? :::

“I think when Hollywood is done with me, I will probably be done with it. I’m not interested in playing those stock characters any more and I don’t feel sad that I don’t get those kind of offers.”

Someone’s in DEE-NIE-YULL!!!

It’s not her age that’s preventing her from landing roles …

… it’s her face.

It seems like only yesterday that everything was going along just swimmingly for America’s former sweetheart – then *BAM* – Meg boarded the big bus to crazy town!

Did it happen because folks found out she’d been bumpin’ fuglies with the Australian STD?
::: la chocha caliente :::
Did it happen because her then-husband of nine years decided it best to throw a cheatin’ chocha OUT?
Did it happen because no one liked ‘Hanging Up’?
::: they didn’t, get over it :::

Alas, we may never know what drove the Megster mad. But one thing’s for sure:
She must have some ginormously craterous self-esteem because – after being tossed out, she freaked out.

Meggers didn’t consult her oft-thumbed self-hater’s guidebook to wellness and she didn’t drag her ass in for analysis. Hell, she didn’t even develop a well-deserved chemical addiction!
She did it another  way.

Bitch ditched all that bankable girl-next-dooriness for an overblown trout pout, shaved schnoz, cutlet-y implants and some super-sateeny alien skin.
::: CAREER BE DAMNED!! muahahahahah!!!!! :::

Instead of trading on her natural good looks – she traded ’em IN.
Forever.

And it’s too bad, too – because, unless there’s a ‘When Harry Met Scary’ deal in the works, Meg’s makeover gave the once-upon-a-time cutie patootie the perfect face for just one thing:
Radio.

Meg? For future reference – when the mirror’s being mean to you – just remember …

September 16, 2008 at 4:13 pm 8 comments

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