Posts tagged ‘satire’
Hold EVERYTHING!!!
Forget death and disease!
Forget natural disasters!!
Forget politics!!!
Forget EVERYTHING currently going on in any corner, crevice or crack of the entire and known thing we call THE UNIVERSE
because no event, no occurrence, no happening anywhere is anywhere nearly as interesting, as extraordinary or as singularly significant as what has taken place in that teeny tiny wee little underpopulated location we call China JUST this very weekend!!!!
Chinese Break World Mattress Dominoes Record
OHHH!
EMMMM!!
GEEEEEEE!!!
Is there no deed, development or feat of derring-do the peeps of the planet’s most populous place do not dominate?!?
Seems NOT!
It all went down in a Shanghai shopping mall on Saturday, where China state media approvingly reported that “volunteers, mostly domino lovers, first carefully arranged and leaned against 1,001 mattresses … being careful not to fall back and ruin the rally before it even started.
Can’t you just imagine the chaos if the group of Guinnes go-getters hadn’t been “mostly domino lovers”?!?
Thank GOD they left nothing to chance!!
Cheng Dong, an authenticator from the Guinness World Records, breaks it all down for us …
“For an event like this involving 1,000 people to succeed first time is not just about luck.”
::: Fuck no it’s not! :::
“All other conditions must be correct.”
::: Don’t even argue. They just MUST, OK?!? :::
“First of all, all the participants must fully understand the rules.”
::: Which are basically boiled down to ‘don’t fuck it up!’ :::
“Second, our volunteers were all very brave.”
::: Oh yes. A brave, brave battalion of cushion commandos, indeed! :::
Oh, but victory is fleeting and there is truly no rest for burned out bed bombers!
Because the challenge is born anew, bitches!!
Because just a scant few months ago, it was an American assembly of 850 pallet pilots from the holy grail of all things bed — La Quinta Inns and Suites — who were crowned the officially authenticated Guinness World Record holders for achieving the Largest Human Mattress Dominoes endeavor!
Do we hear 1001, America?!?!?
U-S-A!
U-S-A!!
COJONES!
Just in case you missed it while you were standing in the breadline, opening a foreclosure notice, opening your unemployment check or just opening a bottle to get your drink on and forget shit for a while … I bring you a wee bit o’ happy – courtesy of Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart and his giant pair.
Behold the most revealing, penetrative, informative and educational interview I’ve seen on television in a long, Long, LONG time.
(UPDATE: Since the douchebags at Viacom did as predicted and yanked their YouTube rendering, citing their usual copyright bullshit — I found it on Google Video – if you can stomach the commercials you’ll get the goodies 😉 )
Take it away Jon!
Tan on fire
A South Carolina man escaped from a tanning bed as it burst into flames this week.
Dude was gettin’ his melanoma on when he heard a ‘popping noise’, looked down and saw a flame at the corner of the bed near his foot.
Mr. Quickthinker threw open the lid, jumped out and ran.
Oh sorry!
None of this retarded mess is, like, newsworthy or anything – I just got a serious case of the tee hees picturing his twig and berries roasting over the UV fire is all.
::: Being easily amused is like being on vacation all the time!!! :::
Can you just imagine the color he could have gotten if he hadn’t pussed out and panicked!
::: WIMP!!! :::
Hey hotstuff!
If your shit’s still sizzlin’ – might I suggest you spend a little time chillin’ that junk in the Mush Room of Sweden’s Icehotel? Yeah – it’s cool like that …
True Must See TV!!!!
Oooo oooo ooooo — this could be gooood!!
The series starts in June and is hosted (hence the name) by comedian
<—- Daniel Tosh.
It will focus on the inanities of blogs, vlogs and tweets, and will have a viral video of the week, produced by the show and featuring well known comedians.
::: SUCKIT KOS — they don’t want your elitist, highbrow, intelligent blah blah!!! :::
The inanities of blogs, people!
OMFG – this is sooooo LIAC!!
It just doesn’t get more inane than the piffle we publish!!!
Our Year in Review?
Our supremely awesome Dumbass and Dumb Bitch coverage??
Our adroit analysis of religious retardation???
Our political acumen????
Our love and devotion to cybercrazies?????
I mean, helloooooooo!!!
When you look up the word inane in the dictionary it may as well just say ‘Go read ‘Life Is A Cookie’ you fucking moron!”
Inane 
Cookie
I defy you — DEFY YOU – to find crap out there that is more consistently silly, unsubstantial, absurd, mindless, asinine, trifling, ridiculous or worthless than the drivel we dish!
Go ahead – try!
HAHAHAHAHAHA – this is great!
We are SO on this show!
This is like an IV bag full of (get ready Ponchita) HILARIOSITY pumping straight into my heart!!!
Happy 52nd Birthday Jesus!
Because the U.S. economy suffered its deepest contraction in a quarter century, the S&P 500 closed at 12-year low, China’s Premier Wen Jiabao confirms this New Great Depression hasn’t found a bottom yet and consumer confidence found a bigger, DEEPER cave to hide out in this month — I figured we were due for a little pick-me-up.
And no one can do that like today’s birthday boy – John Turturro!
That hot Italian sausage makes the sun come up every morning in the verdant bucolic mental getaway that is my personal happy place.
Just looking at him makes me tingly – and I know he makes you tingly too!
Don’t lie – I know he does!!
How can he not!?!
That slut is a more delicious morsel of marvelousness than a bacon-wrapped Marshmallow!!
I mean, if you weren’t sitting on the edge of your seat, scratching for just one more sheet at the bottom of the Kleenex box as you held a candle-light vigil and prayed for 
Pete to come back – COME BAAAACK! – from the nether-regions of froggydom and rejoin Delmar and Everett on their quest for buried treasure, well, then I think you need to schedule an emergency EKG to be sure you even still have a heart down deep in there somewhere.
That was serious method shit you just don’t find in most cinema these days!
Oh, ho, ho, TURTURRO — from Pino to pederast, Dude — nobody beats Barton Fink!
So – yes. Today I give you JT.
Because you need him.
Because we all do in these hard times where gloom is in bloom everywhere you look; where folks are forced to wear their despair like it’s some sort of fashion; where people just don’t know what to DO anymore!
I give you JT because I think it’s important, nay, IMPERATIVE that we take time to chill, reflect and ask ourselves one question:
‘What Would Turturro Do?’
… the answers are there, my friends …
I bet THIS wasn’t on his Bucket List!
The dumb skank who admits she knowingly got into a car with a possibly drunk Morgan Freeman last August is now suing that hot piece for negligence, saying she wants to ‘clear her name from claims she was his mistress’.
::: And bank some sweet coin, of course! :::
Demaris ‘Do My Eyes Make Me Look Like A Crazy Gold-Digging Whore’ Meyer held an L.A. news conference where she whined about being labeled the ‘other woman’, channeled her inner Blogojevich and vowed to fight, Fight, FIGHT until cleanliness and dignity are restored to her allegedly once-good name.
::: … uh huh, good luck with that … :::
“I had hoped and prayed that Mr. Freeman or his representatives would have set the record straight and cleared my name, but they have not done so and that is why I have chosen to come forward to tell the truth about our relationship,” she bellyached to a handfull of people who, if we’re being honest here, probably only showed up to see what a potential Freeman fuckbuddy looked like.
::: … now we know? :::
According to her four-page lawsuit, she hopes to squeeze the Oscar-winner for pastpresentandfuture medical 
expenses, short-term memory loss , pain and suffering, some kind of short-term memory loss, pastpresentandfuture lost wages, permanent disability for short-term memory loss and other damages. Oh, and some sort of loss of memory … or something … and, uhh, don’t forget that big fucking truckload of money, bitches!!
::: … because nothing screams ‘Innocent Choir Girl’ louder than a legal shakedown … :::
The whole almost-hookup apparently happened because a mutual friend invited her to a dinner party so she could fuck meet the actor. She went, they dined, they got their drink on, they left and went back to the mutual friend’s house, they got their drink on there, then Miss Daisy jumped in Hoke’s Nissan and were makin’ the dash to his pad when things got all crashy.
::: … just your typical first-date stuff … :::
According to her [bullshit] lawsuit, she was in Freeman’s car only because he kindly offered to let her spend fucky times the night at his home — seeing as how “it would be much closer for Ms. Meyer to travel to her place of employment the next morning from Mr. Freeman’s home” than from the home of their mutual friend.
Uh huh … ‘cept Freeman’s house is in Charleston, Mississippi (89.5 miles from Meyer’s Memphis abode) and the friend lives in Clarksdale, Mississippi (77.6 miles from Memphis) — which would make it, like, NOT closer and stuff?
Oh but hey, in her defense, anyone stupid enough to get in a car with someone they admit [in writing — filed with the courts] had been drinking, really isn’t the kind of brainiac who can be reasonably expected to handle simple geography or exhibit any of her own accountability or, you know, personal responsibility or anything … right?
Right?
Right?
The Inside (pooper) Scoop
OMG!
Whew!!
I am so relieved!!!
Our long national nightmare may finally, actually, for REAL this time be, like, a serious kind of over!!!
Reports have surfaced that the rainbow king has made the ultimate headway!
True Progress!!
A FINAL DECISION!!!
Yes, my friends — at long last — we have a breeeeeeed!!
The crack investigative team over at People Magazine has revealed that Renegade and Renaissance have decided it will be a Portuguese Water dog for little Radiance and Rosebud.
:::: exhaaaaaaaale :::
“Temperamentally they’re supposed to be pretty good,” the HBIC told the mag. “From the size perspective, they’re sort of middle of the road – it’s not small, but it’s not a huge dog. And the folks that we know who own them have raved about them. So that’s where we’re leaning.”
Wait. Did she say ‘leaning’?
Leaning?
Leaning??
What is this leaning bullshit?!?
You’ve either decided or you haven’t — it is just. That. SIMPLE!!!
‘Leaning’ indicates an inclination, a proclivity, a liking — it’s not exactly a word that denotes the kind of concrete finality People Magazine led me to believe we were talking about here!
Those fuckers — I, I, I can’t take this stress! The waiting? The wondering?? The worry?!?
Nu nu nu nu nooooooooooo … those little bitches are getting a Portuguese Water dog and that’s that!
Case closed!
Done deal, people!!!
Don’t make me come up there!
This is the shit you bitches are saying