Archive for February, 2010

Aim high

Four Detroit public high schools are embarking on a bold new plan to instill the drive for success in their students by guaranteeing them glitter, Riches and SECURITY in return for hard work and superachievery study habits!


But they can help you get a job at Wal-Mart.

A new partnership between the daytime youth warehouses and the megagiant retail competition-crusher gives students future Made in China peddlers 10 shiny credits toward graduation, 11 superfun weeks of job-readiness training during the schoolday and *PAYDIRT* an after-school entry-level job at the store.
::: Cha … klink … 😦 :::

The Detroit Free Press talked to the principal of one of the schools who sounded positively giddy at the idea of trading his students’ future for finite financial gain.
“The program will allow students an opportunity to earn money and to be exposed to people from different cultures — since all of the stores are in the suburbs.”

Oh yes.
Because we all know how enlightening, elegant and all-around educational the People of Wal-Mart really are! —>

Not so giddy about the plan was Donna Stern, the Midwest coordinator for the Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action, Integration & Immigrant Rights And Fight for Equality By Any Means Necessary (BAMN).
“They’re going to train students to be subservient workers,” she said. “This is not why parents send them to school.”

Now, it’s true that Detroit has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country, so helping anyone get a job there is a true mitzvah.
And it’s also true that the school system has been run into the ground harder than ValuJet Flight 592, with frightful financials leading to layoffs and the closing of nearly 30 schools … and there’s about a hundredmilliongozillion percentage points of absolute certainty that there’s more where that came from.

So, you can close schools and you can layoff teachers but those pesky kids are gonna keep on comin’ – which begs the question: What DO you do with them?

Well? What?

Wait …You think I have a plan?!


It’s Detroit!
They’re all fucked as far as I can see!

All I know is that if I’m one of those students, I’m taking ‘How to be a Wal-Mart Greeter 101′ and gettin’ my sweet ass an easy A!


February 26, 2010 at 11:17 am 4 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Day

Felon-in-training Stefanie Vargas of Palm Coast, Florida
gets to wear the DB crown today for basically turning herself into the cops in the middle of a heist.

The 19-year-old and a 13-year-old accomplice were just going about their business, spending a splendid Sunday afternoon blah blahing about what they should bag as they broke into cars near a Daytona Beach nightclub.

“You gotta break that SIM card. Take that SIM card outta there. They can trace it,” one of the conniving kleptos said during a cellphone call that they *OOPSIE* made to 911.
::: Can you hear me NOW, bitches?!? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! :::

“Dispatchers listened while the two suspects discussed the difference between items that were worth taking and items that should be left behind as they rummaged through a vehicle,” police spokesman Jimmie Flynt said.

When the po-po pulled up to a car the 13-year-old was searching, he ran and jumped into a vehicle driven by Vargas and shouted: “Go, Go,” a police report states.

The criminal masterminds were *SHOCK* caught, confessed their crime, charged accordingly and are soooo grounded for, like, EVER!

Note to Stefanie: Fun is fun ’till someone butt dials the Fuzz.


February 25, 2010 at 11:10 am 2 comments

You know it’s Fashion Week somewhere …

… when Stay-Puft Aluminun-Foil Outerwear makes the news.

Now me? Personally?
I love this look.

I do!

I want closetsfull of this shit in my wardrobe so that no matter where I am, no matter how remote my location — I will always be able to find a radio station. 😉
::: … and rob people … because, let’s face it – that headearfacemask thingmabob is the perfect complement to a successful jackin’! :::

Photo: AP

February 24, 2010 at 11:11 am 6 comments

Toled-uh-oh …

Why can’t you people just let Chuck E. Cheese be the hazardous innocent, bacteria-infested kiddie-fun cesspool megacenter it was meant to be?
Why, people?

Is it something they put in the pizza?
Is it the non-stop flashing of lights and constant rattleclang of asinine arcade activities?
Is it the 60 dirty, screaming ankle-biters running around all crazy-eyed and jacked up on sugar and caffeine?

Maybe it’s all three — but it’s for damn sure something because some tweedlebutts out there just cannot handle Da Cheez and — sadly but predictably — some dumb butt every coupla months gets his freakout on, forgets his 20 and gets all shooty.

This is that month and today’s role model comes to you courtesy of Toledo, Ohio, where a fight between two tweedlebutts left one of them hospitalized after a good old fashioned pistol whuppin’!
::: Because who doesn’t show up strapped to celebrate Junior’s seventh? :::

The dumbfuckery happened around 8:00 p.m. Sunday night at a South Toledo Chuck E. Cheese when two father-of-the-year candidates got their britches in bunches over one of them using an airhorn.
::: Show of hands for everyone who thinks alcohol was involved? :::

The men took their disagreement outside where one mentalist made his point by bashing the other one upside the head with the butt of his gun. Some witnesses say they thought they heard at least one shot fired before the cops came and Shut. That. Par-tay. DOWN.


Eh, whatever — but at least maybe — just maybe — during their investigation, Toledo’s finest can finally crack the mystery of just what it is about Chuck E. Cheese that robs some adults of their ability to reason and gives them a one-way ticket to straight Badecisionville.

Ok, prolly not … but it can’t hurt to hope.


February 23, 2010 at 11:04 am 16 comments

This is some Rosetta Stone shit …

(Language NSFW)

If Rosetta Stone’s marketing arm had some rock-hard cajones, that is … oh, and wasn’t governed by our prudish regulatory system but whatever …

You KNOW this bitch won a CLIO!
Does kinda makes me wonder just what,
exactly, El Zol’s got me rockin’ to, though …
HA! 😉

February 22, 2010 at 11:23 am 1 comment

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