Pure Awesome

Limited Time Offer!!!

Like you bitches need MORE reasons to drink excessively on New Year’s Eve?!

McGuire, Jennings and Miller Funeral Home in Rome, Georgia is offering a free burial to folks who drink and drive (and, well, ok – DIE) while ringing out the old and drinking in the new.

The burial boys say anyone who signs a contract admitting they plan to booze it and lose it on before the clock strikes 2010 will get a free memorial complete with casket, grave, limousine and preparation of your pickled, earthly remains.
::: grieving rellies cursing your dumb fucking ass sold separately :::

Funeral home officials said the program is designed to save lives by making partygoers think twice about drinking and driving.

Looks like they forgot all about the terminally ill and terribly poor who may just see the bright side of a blue-light burial …

Prayz Jezuz

Oh Mississippi – you assbackward bumbled bunch of statehood, you … how you do amuse me.

PROfoUnDLY plodding through life last among all states when it comes to health care and tirelessly trolling the bottom waters of public education — that ‘We’re Number ONE!’ flag you fly as the fattest in our federation now has company!

WOO HOO!!!

A new study from the fine folks over at the Pew Research Center says you, Mississippi, are also Numero Uno among the God Squad of American states.

That’s right, homegirl — you’re tops in two! Whoddathunkit?!

Pew’s Forum on Religion & Public Life used polling data in four categories to rank states for the survey: the importance of religion in people’s lives; frequency of attendance at worship services; frequency of prayer; and absolute certainty of belief in God.

Mississippi — sanctimonious little slut that you are — stood out on all four measures.

SUPERACHIEVERY SPECIALICIOUSNESS!!!

Eighty-two percent of the ‘Sippians said religion is very important in their lives.
::: yeah, but so are hamhocks and backfat … :::

Sixty percent said they attend religious services at least once a week.
::: well, I ‘spect it’s easier than math homework … :::

Seventy percent said they prayed at least once every day.
::: after they go Wal-Mart’n, that is … :::

And a whopping, supreme among all states ninety-one percent of Magnolia Staters said they believe in God with absolute certainty … which no one can dispute is a fucking goddamn miracle considering how amazingly alarmingly little else they know with absolute certainty.

Oh yeah — ya ain’t done shit in this life, girl, but theyz rewahhdz a’comin’ in the afterlife!
HOOooooooodawgeez!

One more day …

… until I have to start the balancing act all over again …
::: well, for a a day or two anyway — but then it’s all PARTYPARTYPARTY OUTBACKBOWLAUBURNVERSUSNORTHWESTERN PARTYPARTYPARTY
WOO HOO for a few more 😉  and then, ok, yeah – I really and for serious have to start the balancing act all over again … :::

How ’bout you?

Merry Merry, Bitches!

Here’s hoping we all got exactly what we deserved desired 😉
And hoping it wasn’t one of these shittin’ things!

But just in case someone you know harbors a hatred for you deep enough to have purchased one and presented it to you this day, here’s the tee hee transfusion you’ll need to get you through until your therapist is back from vakay … XOXO, Cookie