Archive for December, 2009
Like you bitches need MORE reasons to drink excessively on New Year’s Eve?!
McGuire, Jennings and Miller Funeral Home in Rome, Georgia is offering a free burial to folks who drink and drive (and, well, ok – DIE) while ringing out the old and drinking in the new.
The burial boys say anyone who signs a contract admitting they plan to booze it and lose it on before the clock strikes 2010 will get a free memorial complete with casket, grave, limousine and preparation of your pickled, earthly remains.
::: grieving rellies cursing your dumb fucking ass sold separately :::
Funeral home officials said the program is designed to save lives by making partygoers think twice about drinking and driving.
Looks like they forgot all about the terminally ill and terribly poor who may just see the bright side of a blue-light burial …
Oh Mississippi – you assbackward bumbled bunch of statehood, you … how you do amuse me.
PROfoUnDLY plodding through life last among all states when it comes to health care and tirelessly trolling the bottom waters of public education — that ‘We’re Number ONE!’ flag you fly as the fattest in our federation now has company!
A new study from the fine folks over at the Pew Research Center says you, Mississippi, are also Numero Uno among the God Squad of American states.
That’s right, homegirl — you’re tops in two! Whoddathunkit?!
Pew’s Forum on Religion & Public Life used polling data in four categories to rank states for the survey: the importance of religion in people’s lives; frequency of attendance at worship services; frequency of prayer; and absolute certainty of belief in God.
Mississippi — sanctimonious little slut that you are — stood out on all four measures.
Eighty-two percent of the ‘Sippians said religion is very important in their lives.
::: yeah, but so are hamhocks and backfat … :::
Sixty percent said they attend religious services at least once a week.
::: well, I ‘spect it’s easier than math homework … :::
And a whopping, supreme among all states ninety-one percent of Magnolia Staters said they believe in God with absolute certainty … which no one can dispute is a fucking goddamn miracle considering how amazingly alarmingly little else they know with absolute certainty.
Oh yeah — ya ain’t done shit in this life, girl, but theyz rewahhdz a’comin’ in the afterlife!
… until I have to start the balancing act all over again …
::: well, for a a day or two anyway — but then it’s all PARTYPARTYPARTY OUTBACKBOWLAUBURNVERSUSNORTHWESTERN PARTYPARTYPARTY
WOO HOO for a few more 😉 and then, ok, yeah – I really and for serious have to start the balancing act all over again … :::
How ’bout you?
Here’s hoping we all got exactly what we deserved desired 😉
And hoping it wasn’t one of these shittin’ things!
But just in case someone you know harbors a hatred for you deep enough to have purchased one and presented it to you this day, here’s the tee hee transfusion you’ll need to get you through until your therapist is back from vakay … XOXO, Cookie
Having grown up there, I always thought the quaint little nugget of nowheresville that is Sterrett, Alabama was the galaxial podunk capital of NOTHING TO SEE HERE!
I was wrong.
All the proof you need is the big news happening there this week.
Christmas all but destroyed by the crappy economy?
The ongoing fight to get a clear Health Care Bill put on the table?
HAHA! Not hardly
Job prospects for 2010?
Athensonians (I’m guessing that’s what they call themselves) were all ‘wow’ (I’m guessing that’s how they do ‘excited’ in Athens) over some ho who destroyed more than $1,0000 worth of perfume after being told she couldn’t make returns without a receipt.
When they say you better show paper, the bitches at Joy Joy Beauty ain’t PLAYIN’!
But Dorothy Doesn’twantitanymore wasn’t having any of that mess so she pushed over a big ol’ display stand on which were perched hundreds of $3.50 sample-size bottles of perfume. The stand broke and every bottle of perfume smashed against the floor as the woman stormed out of the store and drove away in a green van.
OH THE OUTRAGE!
OH THE INJUSTICE!!
It’s not like she made a five-finger discount on a cruet of Cabochard Baccarat!!
Those were probably just a bargain basement bunch of Designer Imposter ‘parfums’ whose 99.99999% alcohol content cleaned the floor of that fine establishment faster than Kirstie Alley can suck down a 5-gallon drum of Ben & Jerry’s Brownie Batter!
They should be happy! One less chore at closing time!
::: Normally a fucktard like that would be our Dumb Bitch of the Day, but since her stupidity led to a solid so close to Christmas, we’re giving her a pass. 😛 :::
What’s next, Athenst?
7th grader passes geography test?!?
Eh, well, on second thought – that might actually be a bona fide headline if that kid’s an Athens public schooler …
Springfield, Missouri’s Caitlen Watkins of was driving around the parking lot of her local shopping center and had just found a spot to her liking when another driver swooped in and snagged the spot for himself.
Don’t you just hate it when that happens?
Yeah … Caitlen does too.
But, being the fine, upstanding young woman, role model and future leader that she is, Caitlen simply shrugged off the stolen spot and went on her merry way.
She put on her pissy pants, channeled every ounce if idiotic rage she could muster and got her stab on!!
::: … over a parking spot … :::
— She can and does react to everyday situations inappropriately
— She can and does make horrifically poor decisions
— And now – the 18-year-old can and will partake of the varied amenities and gangly band of rejects joining her at the county lockup.
::: … over a parking spot … her parents must be SO proud … :::
According to court documents, Caitlen and some secondary asswad who was with her in the car went all ‘Oh no you di’INT!’ and confronted the spot stealer, which led to a fight, which led to the other driver suffering a punctured kidney after being stabbed half a dozen times with the wooden-handled, 5-inch icepick Caitlen apparently keeps around for point-making opportunities such as this one.
::: MYYYYY parking spot, biatch!!! MUAHAHAHA!!! :::
She has been charged with first-degree assault and armed criminal action.
But don’t worry — look how pretty she is!!
She’ll make LOTS of special new friends inside!
Smidge of advice?
Angry, imbecilic and operating at full retard is no way to go through life, kid …