Archive for October, 2008

Financial hardship is a hairy situation


America is morphing into a nation of fuglies!

I’m not talking the temporary-for-Halloween costume fug …  I’m talking permanent-for-REAL-fug!
And I didn’t just come to this realization after some recent (and very unfortunate) time spent staring at offending mom jeansers in CVS yesterday as I tried to snag last-minute Halloween candy bargains.

No no — it’s a fact!
America is going fug.
::: frealz! :::

Proof: L’Oreal.

The cosmetics giant shelled out big bucks on ad spending last quarter looking for big gains — but it was all for naught.

The vanity industry, it seems, is locked in the economic deathgrip that’s already claimed the auto industry, the banking industry, the housing industry, the travel industry and more every day. Consequently, L’Oreal found itself posting some pretty weak third quarter numbers – including a 5.7% decline in organic sales in North America.

And L’Oreal blames their sagging solvency on me — oh and YOU too, Mrs., Miss and Ms. America!

WE, they say, are to blame because of the “sharp drop in salon visits” WE made in North America last quarter.
::: Well, hey — if I have to choose between my hootch and my hair color — I think we all know where The Cookie’s money is going!! Am I right, ladies?!? Am I right?!? :::

OUR lack of salon patronage was the only point of weakness in North America the company discussed – but OUR lack of follicle-enhancing finances isn’t just killing L’Oreal.
Oh no – OUR poverty is a problem for L’Oreal’s competitors, too.
::: good thing misery loves company :::

According to Cyrus Bulsara, principal in Professional Consultants & Resources, “The average used to be every five to six weeks,” for hair coloring visits. “Now, women are waiting every six to eight weeks to have coloring done.” Everybody’s hurting.

So what’s the message here?
America: Your killing the economy! STOP BEING POOR and get your hair did already?

Nice reverse psychology try there, cosmetics conglomerators!
Like blaming your problems on my penniless ass – THEN trying to make me feel guilty about it is gonna
do anything except make me spend even more of my weave money on wine?!?
::: don’t you know me?!? :::

HAHAHAHAHA – that’s a knee-slapper for sure! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Oh damn — I laughed so hard I cried off part of my $9 Non-Waterproof, Hypoallergenic Telescopic Mascara!!!

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October 31, 2008 at 5:34 pm 1 comment

Everybody Panic!


Oh my god – the end is near!!

This is bigtime seriousness worthy of multiple exclamation points for maximum emphasis!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some Google big guns broke out the big-girl panties this week and sent a memo to folks in the New York City office informing them of *GASP* reduced cafeteria hours and **DOUBLE GASP** reduced food selection as part of an effort “to find areas where efficiency can be improved.”

ACK!
PHLIK!!
GWOCK!!
::: slow. deep. breaths. :::

Seriously though – you should panic.
Now.

The day you see the big swingin’ dick around town pinchin’ pennies is the day you can pretty much start packing it in.
That’s it.
Lights out.
Don’t let the ‘jobs are next to go’ sign hit you in the ass on your way out.

Googlers see Mr. Economy over at the bar putting GHB in Miss Advertising’s cosmo as he prepares to butt rape that bitch well into the next presidency and, since they’ve watched their golden stock get a tad tarnished after losing nearly half it’s value this year, the cheeses are running scared.

They’re derailing the worker-bee gravy train and pulling the plug on some of the perks for which their company is universally famous.

Afternoon tea on Tuesdays?
GONE!
Snack-a-palooza smorgasbord in the micro-kitchen?
NOT ANYMORE!!
Free dinner take-out?
hahahahaha — No.

Google is also shaving a half-hour off the time the hired help get for breakfast.
::: Don’t they know it’s the most important meal of the day?!?!?!  :::

Morning munchtime has been whittled down to one wimpy hour (down from 90 minutes) … and that’s not all! Lunch and Dinner have been trimmed from 2 hours to 90 minutes.
::: quel horreur!!! :::

Oh but it’s not all bad.
The brass did toss the little people a bone … they promised the occasional ‘surprise snack attack’ just like their big-boy counterparts get in Google’s Mountain View, California offices.
::: a teaspoon of sugar helps the medicine go down … :::

Employee morale meltdown in 3 … 2 …

October 30, 2008 at 3:38 pm 1 comment

Something’s missing


Joe the Plumber’s on board and so is Joe Six Pack.
Heck, even the grand-poobah of political peepaws himself – Joe Biden – is accounted for.
Yet scant days before the most important election in the entire history of all historical electionations ever to have taken place among the esteemed electorate inhabiting all corners of the Milky Way – we seem to have misplaced a Joe!

Where is the crucial Blow endorsement?!?

Don’t the candidates know true, real Americans only care about a health care plan that includes a wide (I SAID WIDE, BITCHES!) array of drug benefits?!?
::: sorry, the morning Prozac hasn’t kicked in yet :::

America isn’t a melting pot as much as it is a medicine cabinet. You can pop a pill for anything that ails ya!

Want to lose weight? Can’t get it up? Blood pressure too high? Thinning hair? Stressed out? Allergies? Common cold? Muscle aches? Stubbed toe? Hangnail?
Take a pill! It’s the American way!

Drugs are a part of everything that is truly American and, therefore, should be embraced as a key pivotal political issue.

Baseball: Steroids
Apple Pie: Preservatives
Mom: Lasix

Whether you’re a craggy AARP Q-Tip workin’ a Plavix fix or a common crack whore searchin’ for some half track – YOU, Mrs. America, have needs no employer-backed plan can possibly cover.

Oh sure, this is a nation of Nickelonians who will nod politely at the ‘You Betchas’ and give nudges of approval to notions of hopification and audaciousness. But make no mistake — it’s also a nation who wants to see their Joe, their ‘everyman’, courted by one of the campaigns too!

When will we hear Big Mac talk about the importance of scoring some bargain-basement Botox for his bride?
::: no stranger to chemical intervention she :::
Where does my boyfriend stand on the critical role the average clucker plays?
::: ‘cuz people pull some crazy ass shit over the rising cost of crank! :::

With granny’s medications costing more than her mortgage, and Vita-G costing a real one – there simply is no bigger pocketbook issue than this one!

The ‘war’ is over — tick tock, fellas!

October 29, 2008 at 4:46 pm

Morning hee hee


Because – why not!

Thanks Dayna!

October 28, 2008 at 12:16 pm 2 comments

You see it


Nicolas Cage and his son Weston Coppola Cage leaving Madeo restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend.
Weston’s Kayako Halloween costume is, err, dead on, no?
Wait. What? That’s not a costume?!?

SOURCE

October 27, 2008 at 11:46 am

Don’t try this at (the) home


Some poor old peepaw in upstate New York found out the hard way it’s not so easy to get your dick out of the ringer.

No, seriously — that’s, like, exactly what happened.

Firefighters were dispatched to the Newburgh campus of St. Luke’s Cornwall Hospital this weekend after hospital personnel asked them for tools to cut off a “ring”.
And by “ring” they meant a quarter-inch thick, inch-long steel pipe housing the private parts of a 73-year-old man trying to get his geriatric swerve on.
::: not a good look :::

Firefighters assessed the situation, probably had a hearty belly laugh or two and told some off-color jokes before choosing a “wizzer saw” – which is an automotive tool powered with air bottles frequently used in car crashes — to get grampy’s bacon out’ the brig.

In the end, it took more than an hour and a half to free Methuselah’s member, but the good news is father time will live to stroke his joystick another day.

RecordOnline: Quality Journalism Lives Here

October 27, 2008 at 11:17 am

Joe the Congressman?


Sam Joe The Plumber Wurzelbacher Whateverthefuckhisnameis told talk radio douchbagette Laura Ingraham that he’s considering a run for Congress in 2010.

Oh goody, just what we need. Another non-licensed professional tax cheat in Washington.

October 25, 2008 at 2:08 pm 1 comment

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