Archive for January, 2011

i … can’t

That’s it everyone.

The ninth letter of the English alphabet is officially no longer available.

As in off limits.
As in shut down!
As in gone!!
As in you can’t have any!!!
::: take that Apple! :::

And you can thank John Frederickiii for it. —–>

Frederiickiii got all ‘mine, Mine, MINE’ with the third vowel, stole all the i‘s from the Burpee Alphabet Seed Catalog, made like TruGreen® and fertilized his last name with the dotted one twenty-leven times – permanently leaving the soil of life BARREN of i for everyone else.


Frederiickiii’s offensive maneuver’s against the ABC’s came to light when he was diagnosed with a scorching case of stupid after being caught driving around town with unconcealed contraband in the car.

After getting a gander at his license, I hope the cops were all curses and GRRRs they could only smack Frederiiickiiii with traffic, open container and possession charges instead of dispensing REAL JUSTICE by hauling his ass into Small Letter Court to have this egregious offense adjudicated.

I bet they were.
I know I would have been.
If I could …

January 31, 2011 at 4:06 pm 5 comments

Flagrant Fowl!

::: And you don’t have to go all the way to Cairo to get it! :::

For anyone who might think otherwise — BE WARNED!!
Officials in Lakeland, Florida will only be pushed so far!

They have endured all they’re going to take and have been forced — FORCED! — to call in a team — A TEAM!! — of chicken chasers to rid the city of feral fowls.

In other news: Feral chickens are out there — and they’re a problem!
::: who knew?! :::

This weekend, Bay News 9 broke the devastating news of our newest national nightmare, explaining that the fearful folk of northwest Lakeland are terror-stricken over hundreds of chickens raising a ruckus and running amok in their midst.
::: repre-HEN-sible!!! :::

After months of rooster rebellion, city leaders finally brought the hell naw, started their own Cash for Cluckers program and called in the hired guns at Squeal Deal Animal Control to put the kibosh on this barnyard bedlam.

They had no choice!
Because this ain’t your average paltry poultry causing callamity in the community, people.

These cocks are cunning!

The buckaroos of cock-a-doodle-do say these chickens are both smart and fast!

Cruel combo!

In fact, there is only one deadlier duo known to man!!!
::: The one whose name we dare not speak! :::

“The chickens, this is their woods,” chicken chaser Clayton Keene cautioned.

They shit go underneath houses and cars and in trees. They know where to shit escape from you.”

Escape from you mere non-chicken chasing mortals, that is.

But not from the squad of superheros at Squeal Deal, who load up the evil egg-layers and take them to a secret hideout deep in the bowles of the county jail where no one hears your screams
facility so they can be punished de-feathered fried ‘counted’.
::: so that’s what we’re calling it now … :::


Once they’re ‘counted’ (if that’s what we’re calling it now) – some of the ferociously feathered will be donated to schools for ‘agriculture projects’ (if that’s what we’re calling them now) and others may be donated to charity organizations so they can be used for food.

What’s that you say?

Can a deviant coop-dweller for real and, like, truly be rehabilitated into a plate of delicious morselness??

According to Keene – THEY CAN!
::: YAY! :::

“A couple of the residents told me they have had them,” he said. “And that they are better than the store-bought chickens. I haven’t tried them myself, but they said they are.”

Good enough for me!!

Wild wings anyone??

January 30, 2011 at 5:14 pm 4 comments

Calming Breaths …

The fuck, y’all?!?

Can’t a bitch spend three weeks ringing in the most fabulous of decidedly deserved and universally understood AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION new year without you gettin’ all ‘liar liar pants on fire, where’s our fucking cookie’ on her ass?!
::: way harsh, btw :::



But only because I lurve yuhz and because I did promise.

And just like a Ted Williams sobiriety pact, my promises are … uh, well, technically they’re actually just a bunch of consonants and some syllables and at times a smattering of punctuation strung together primarily for my own amusement … BUT NO MORE!

And not just because my promise was made before the most historically significant event in the history of all mankind (AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION) and, consequently, before The Cookie realized she actually has an alcohol tolerance level.
::: who knew, right? :::

Because this isn’t just a new day or a new year – hell no.

THIS is a new ERA, people!!!!
::: That’s right. I said it. And I used a series of exclamation points for maximum intensity! Feel that shit!!! :::

January 10, 2011 ushered in a magically wondrous new ERA of extraordinary events (AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION) never before witnessed in the whole and entirety of the collective time yours truly’s been carbon footprinting all over this rock we call home!!

Ed. Note: Auburn is also the 1957 National College Football Champion — before my time — but still off the charts on the scale of outstanding awesomeness.

But what does this mean to you, you selfish little bastards?


This magically wondrous new ERA of extraordinary events could potentially deliver the most amazing experiences and occurrences!

Think of the possibilities!!!

What if that mole isn’t cancer?
::: YAY! :::
What if the Rogaine® actually works this time?!
::: Can’t hurt to hope :::
What if we ALL can possibly just maybe really lose that last 10 pounds?!?
::: Mmm’okay, prolly not :::
::: Woops, sorry — putting down the pipe … :::

But you get my point.

My beloved Auburn Tigers are now known the world over as the most perfect example of shining excellence and outstanding ability ever to grace humanity … and so, by extention, are you delicious Cookie Crumblies!

Now get off my ass!!
::: the stress is killing my buzz :::


January 25, 2011 at 4:08 pm 9 comments

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