Archive for January, 2011
inth letter of the Engl ish alphabet is off ic ially no longer ava ilable.
And you can thank John Frederickiii for
Frederiickiii got all ‘m
ine, M ine, M INE’ w ith the th ird vowel, stole all the i‘s from the Burpee Alphabet Seed Catalog, made l ike TruGreen® and fert il ized h is last name w ith the dotted one twenty-leven t imes – permanently leav ing the so il of l ife BARREN of i for everyone else.
ive maneuver’s aga inst the ABC’s came to l ight when he was d iagnosed with a scorch ing case of stup id after be ing caught dr iv ing around town w ith unconcealed contraband in the car.
After getting a gander at his l
icense, I hope the cops were all curses and GRRRs they could only smack Frederiiickiiii w ith traff ic, open conta iner and possess ion charges instead of d ispens ing REAL JUST ICE by hauling h is ass into Small Letter Court to have th is egreg ious offense adjud icated. I bet they were.
I know I would have been.
If I could …
::: And you don’t have to go all the way to Cairo to get it! :::
For anyone who might think otherwise — BE WARNED!!
Officials in Lakeland, Florida will only be pushed so far!
They have endured all they’re going to take and have been forced — FORCED! — to call in a team — A TEAM!! — of chicken chasers to rid the city of feral fowls.
In other news: Feral chickens are out there — and they’re a problem!
::: who knew?! :::
This weekend, Bay News 9 broke the devastating news of our newest national nightmare, explaining that the fearful folk of northwest Lakeland are terror-stricken over hundreds of chickens raising a ruckus and running amok in their midst.
::: repre-HEN-sible!!! :::
After months of rooster rebellion, city leaders finally brought the hell naw, started their own Cash for Cluckers program and called in the hired guns at Squeal Deal Animal Control to put the kibosh on this barnyard bedlam.
They had no choice!
Because this ain’t your average paltry poultry causing callamity in the community, people.
These cocks are cunning!
The buckaroos of cock-a-doodle-do say these chickens are both smart and fast!
In fact, there is only one deadlier duo known to man!!!
::: The one whose name we dare not speak! :::
“The chickens, this is their woods,” chicken chaser Clayton Keene cautioned.
::: ALL HAIL ALLITERATION!!! :::
shit go underneath houses and cars and in trees. They know where to shit escape from you.”
Escape from you mere non-chicken chasing mortals, that is.
But not from the squad of superheros at Squeal Deal, who load up the evil egg-layers and take them to a
secret hideout deep in the bowles of the county jail where no one hears your screamsfacility so they can be
punished de-feathered fried ‘counted’.
::: so that’s what we’re calling it now … :::
OH YEAH, THAT’LL SHOW ‘EM!!!
Once they’re ‘counted’ (if that’s what we’re calling it now) – some of the ferociously feathered will be donated to schools for ‘agriculture projects’ (if that’s what we’re calling them now) and others may be donated to charity organizations so they can be used for food.
What’s that you say?
Can a deviant coop-dweller for real and, like, truly be rehabilitated into a plate of delicious morselness??
According to Keene – THEY CAN!
::: YAY! :::
“A couple of the residents told me they have had them,” he said. “And that they are better than the store-bought chickens. I haven’t tried them myself, but they said they are.”
Good enough for me!!
Wild wings anyone??
The fuck, y’all?!?
Can’t a bitch spend three weeks ringing in the most fabulous of decidedly deserved and universally understood AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION new year without you gettin’ all ‘liar liar pants on fire, where’s our fucking cookie’ on her ass?!
::: way harsh, btw :::
But only because I lurve yuhz and because I did promise.
And just like a Ted Williams sobiriety pact, my promises are … uh, well, technically they’re actually just a bunch of consonants and some syllables and at times a smattering of punctuation strung together primarily for my own amusement … BUT NO MORE!
And not just because my promise was made before the most historically significant event in the history of all mankind (AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION) and, consequently, before The Cookie realized she actually has an alcohol tolerance level.
::: who knew, right? :::
Because this isn’t just a new day or a new year – hell no.
THIS is a new ERA, people!!!!
::: That’s right. I said it. And I used a series of exclamation points for maximum intensity! Feel that shit!!! :::
January 10, 2011 ushered in a magically wondrous new ERA of extraordinary events (AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION) never before witnessed in the whole and entirety of the collective time yours truly’s been carbon footprinting all over this rock we call home!!
Ed. Note: Auburn is also the 1957 National College Football Champion — before my time — but still off the charts on the scale of outstanding awesomeness.
But what does this mean to you, you selfish little bastards?
Only EVERYFUCKINGTHING is all!!!!
This magically wondrous new ERA of extraordinary events could potentially deliver the most amazing experiences and occurrences!
Think of the possibilities!!!
What if that mole isn’t cancer?
::: YAY! :::
What if the Rogaine® actually works this time?!
::: Can’t hurt to hope :::
What if we ALL can possibly just maybe really lose that last 10 pounds?!?
::: Mmm’okay, prolly not :::
OMG! WHAT IF TARA REID WINS AN OSCAR?!?!?
::: Woops, sorry — putting down the pipe … :::
But you get my point.
My beloved Auburn Tigers are now known the world over as the most perfect example of shining excellence and outstanding ability ever to grace humanity … and so, by extention, are you delicious Cookie Crumblies!
Now get off my ass!!
::: the stress is killing my buzz :::