Archive for January, 2009

Adding up the WHAT?!?


Does anyone else see that?
I mean, cocktail hour did come early at Chez Cookie today so it’s entirely possible I’m not seeing what I swear I’m seeing … and that I saw waaaaaay earlier this morning but was all ‘oh HAHAHA — I’m sure someone’ll catch that soon’ … but now it’s, like, hours later and that shit’s still there, so I’m all ‘maybe it’s just me?!?’

Be real with me guys – is it just me?

Well, just in case it is — good luck at the Super Bowly everyone!!


January 31, 2009 at 7:32 pm 1 comment

6th time’s the charm

Scant hours after their brethren linked arms and marched in lockstep to vote against O’Baby’s audacious stimulus package of hope, members of the Republican National Committee were apparently too tuckered out to properly pick their own panel’s presider.
::: … the relentless pursuit of cantankerous shortsightedness is hard, yo! :::

After a seriously snoozerific series of ballot calls – rivaled only by the Franken-Coleman Senate Seat Steel Cage Match of Retardation – RNC members realized dinner time was fast approaching and finally picked a chairman.
:: Woo hoo — just in time for the Early Bird! :::

After five ballots, it was down to the Maryland Man of Color, Michael Steele and South Cackalackee’s Whitie (Katon) McWhiterson (Dawson).
::: decisions DECISIONS :::

GOP strageeeegerists were literally sweating the possibility of electing Dawson, who had acknowledged his membership in a whites-only club,  because – well, what the hell kind of fucked up GD signal does that send to a county that bitchslapped your party nine ways to Sunday in front of your mother on your birthday in the last cycle of elections. 

It’s ok, we were all there – you can say it … a baaaad one.

So RNCers threw their hands in the air, waved ’em like they jess don’t care and did the unthinkable by voting 91-77 in favor of ‘Yeah? Well so can WE!!’ – making Steele the first African American to chair the RNC.

Now that’s change we you us them him I can believe in!


January 30, 2009 at 10:27 pm 6 comments

Sorry for the delay …

… but I was suddenly struck by a severe case of Ocular Outrage – you know, where your eyes literally peel themselves open from the inside and squirt gaze-goo all over the place.

Ya – NOT Fun.

It happened during my morning World Headline Tour and Scavenger Hunt O’ Stupid when I ran across some crap about Tom Jones hauling his saggy nutsack on tour and I was all ‘Damn, I thought that dude was dead!’  …

… then I clicked the link and was all ‘MY EYES!! MY EYES!!!!!!’ when I saw what I am still not convinced isn’t a seeing-eye leather bowling bag …


My opthalmologist swears my retinas can be reattached with relatively little pain.

January 30, 2009 at 7:14 pm 6 comments

Tha..tha..That’s all, folks!

“Don’t let what door hit me in the ass on the way out?
THAT door?!?”

That’s right kiddies! Looks like the Blaggy Media Blitzkrieg of Preposterous Innocence Proclamations was just a big ol’ wet fart of sweet sweet failure.

The Illinois Senate has voted unanimously to remove Gov. Rod Blagojevich from office!



January 29, 2009 at 11:14 pm 4 comments

Triple Threat

The unholy triumvirate pictured above have hearts so witch’s-titty-in-a-brass-bra cold that the Prince of Darkness had better start praying for their rehabilitation or his shit really will freeze over!

Word is these sluts formulated a revenge plot so ruthless that it left a former friend with frostbite so severe she could lose parts of one or both feet.
::: VICIOUS!! :::

22-year-old Maria Contreras-Luciano (left), 21-year-old Dyanne Velasquez (center) and 20-year-old Amber Crespo (right) face kidnapping, assault and conspiracy charges related to the alleged arctic abandonment of a 19-year-old woman who was pushed from a car …  into a snowbank  … at night … on the side of a New Jersey road … in a heavily-wooded area … wearing only a party dress and one shoe … in eight-degree weather.
::: This ain’t Survivor, bitches!! :::

The polar payback came after the victim had a car accident and sued Ho #3’s  insurance company, which prompted the skinsack to get her lunatic scream on, shouting “If you’re going to sue me then I’m going to kill you!” … whiiiich garnered her a bonus third degree charge of making terroristic threats!
::: How do you spell ringleader? C-R-E-S-P-O!!! :::

The trio “planned and plotted … to dress up and go to an imaginary party,” North Bergen Lt. Frank Cannella said.  In the ruckus of having her caboose forcibly removed from the car, one of the victim’s shoes fell off.

 “She ran back to the car and pleaded to be let back inside, but the women sped away, leaving her stranded with no cell phone, the lieutenant said.”

A passing motorist stopped and let the gelid girl use a cell phone but “refused to give her a ride because she didn’t want to get involved”.
::: Oh please Oh Please OH PLEASE tell me she got a tag number?!?! :::

Eventually, a motorist with a working brain and functioning heart stopped and took the teen to Englewood Hospital.

Can I have ‘They Sure Sound Guilty To Me‘ for $800, Alex?


January 29, 2009 at 4:49 pm 3 comments

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