Archive for January, 2009

Adding up the WHAT?!?


Does anyone else see that?
I mean, cocktail hour did come early at Chez Cookie today so it’s entirely possible I’m not seeing what I swear I’m seeing … and that I saw waaaaaay earlier this morning but was all ‘oh HAHAHA — I’m sure someone’ll catch that soon’ … but now it’s, like, hours later and that shit’s still there, so I’m all ‘maybe it’s just me?!?’

Be real with me guys – is it just me?

Well, just in case it is — good luck at the Super Bowly everyone!!


January 31, 2009 at 7:32 pm 1 comment

6th time’s the charm

Scant hours after their brethren linked arms and marched in lockstep to vote against O’Baby’s audacious stimulus package of hope, members of the Republican National Committee were apparently too tuckered out to properly pick their own panel’s presider.
::: … the relentless pursuit of cantankerous shortsightedness is hard, yo! :::

After a seriously snoozerific series of ballot calls – rivaled only by the Franken-Coleman Senate Seat Steel Cage Match of Retardation – RNC members realized dinner time was fast approaching and finally picked a chairman.
:: Woo hoo — just in time for the Early Bird! :::

After five ballots, it was down to the Maryland Man of Color, Michael Steele and South Cackalackee’s Whitie (Katon) McWhiterson (Dawson).
::: decisions DECISIONS :::

GOP strageeeegerists were literally sweating the possibility of electing Dawson, who had acknowledged his membership in a whites-only club,  because – well, what the hell kind of fucked up GD signal does that send to a county that bitchslapped your party nine ways to Sunday in front of your mother on your birthday in the last cycle of elections. 

It’s ok, we were all there – you can say it … a baaaad one.

So RNCers threw their hands in the air, waved ’em like they jess don’t care and did the unthinkable by voting 91-77 in favor of ‘Yeah? Well so can WE!!’ – making Steele the first African American to chair the RNC.

Now that’s change we you us them him I can believe in!


January 30, 2009 at 10:27 pm 6 comments

Sorry for the delay …

… but I was suddenly struck by a severe case of Ocular Outrage – you know, where your eyes literally peel themselves open from the inside and squirt gaze-goo all over the place.

Ya – NOT Fun.

It happened during my morning World Headline Tour and Scavenger Hunt O’ Stupid when I ran across some crap about Tom Jones hauling his saggy nutsack on tour and I was all ‘Damn, I thought that dude was dead!’  …

… then I clicked the link and was all ‘MY EYES!! MY EYES!!!!!!’ when I saw what I am still not convinced isn’t a seeing-eye leather bowling bag …


My opthalmologist swears my retinas can be reattached with relatively little pain.

January 30, 2009 at 7:14 pm 6 comments

Tha..tha..That’s all, folks!

“Don’t let what door hit me in the ass on the way out?
THAT door?!?”

That’s right kiddies! Looks like the Blaggy Media Blitzkrieg of Preposterous Innocence Proclamations was just a big ol’ wet fart of sweet sweet failure.

The Illinois Senate has voted unanimously to remove Gov. Rod Blagojevich from office!



January 29, 2009 at 11:14 pm 4 comments

Triple Threat

The unholy triumvirate pictured above have hearts so witch’s-titty-in-a-brass-bra cold that the Prince of Darkness had better start praying for their rehabilitation or his shit really will freeze over!

Word is these sluts formulated a revenge plot so ruthless that it left a former friend with frostbite so severe she could lose parts of one or both feet.
::: VICIOUS!! :::

22-year-old Maria Contreras-Luciano (left), 21-year-old Dyanne Velasquez (center) and 20-year-old Amber Crespo (right) face kidnapping, assault and conspiracy charges related to the alleged arctic abandonment of a 19-year-old woman who was pushed from a car …  into a snowbank  … at night … on the side of a New Jersey road … in a heavily-wooded area … wearing only a party dress and one shoe … in eight-degree weather.
::: This ain’t Survivor, bitches!! :::

The polar payback came after the victim had a car accident and sued Ho #3’s  insurance company, which prompted the skinsack to get her lunatic scream on, shouting “If you’re going to sue me then I’m going to kill you!” … whiiiich garnered her a bonus third degree charge of making terroristic threats!
::: How do you spell ringleader? C-R-E-S-P-O!!! :::

The trio “planned and plotted … to dress up and go to an imaginary party,” North Bergen Lt. Frank Cannella said.  In the ruckus of having her caboose forcibly removed from the car, one of the victim’s shoes fell off.

 “She ran back to the car and pleaded to be let back inside, but the women sped away, leaving her stranded with no cell phone, the lieutenant said.”

A passing motorist stopped and let the gelid girl use a cell phone but “refused to give her a ride because she didn’t want to get involved”.
::: Oh please Oh Please OH PLEASE tell me she got a tag number?!?! :::

Eventually, a motorist with a working brain and functioning heart stopped and took the teen to Englewood Hospital.

Can I have ‘They Sure Sound Guilty To Me‘ for $800, Alex?


January 29, 2009 at 4:49 pm 3 comments


A week ago, Covenant Academy’s girl’s basketball team put an embarassing 100-0 bully beatdown on hapless Dallas Academy. 
Despite the score, the Dallas coach said the game was win for his girls ‘because they never gave up’.
Awwwwsome, dude!

And that should have been that!

But then the media began getting reports of unsportsmanlike conduct on Covenant’s part, which forced school administrators to publicly condemn such behavior on their school’s website.

And that really should have been that!

But then their giant meatbag of a coach -who apparently didn’t see things the same way and just couldn’t find the discipline [imagine that] to keep his yap shut – emailed the local rag a bunch of blah blah about how running up the score on a team who hasn’t won a game in four seasons is, like, way honorable and exemplifies totally quality sportsmanship and shit.

So Covenant got all firey on his ass.

And that really Really should have been that!

But now the basketball biatches from Covenant are making a bid to get their 15 minutes extended by announcing that they’re ‘trying to do the right thing’ [a week after the fact] by asking for a forfeit and gettin’ their public ‘woops – our bad’ on over their truly inexcusable margin of victory.


What’s it gonna take?

Just go on The View and hug it out already – and then pinky swear that this is the absolute LAST we have to hear about it for, like, EVER!!!

Pretty pretty please with sweet sweet sugar and a nice plump cherry on top?!?!?

January 28, 2009 at 10:31 pm 2 comments

Spirit’s Smock Schock

Some not-yet-laid-off flight attendants forgot that whole ‘thankful to have a job in this New Great Depression’ thing and got all Captain Pissy Pants over a new uniform design that *SHOCK* includes an apron showing logos for certain alcoholic beverages.

Deborah Crowley, the HBIC of Spirit’s flight attendants union chapter, said “turning flight attendants into walking billboards is unacceptable.”
::: Well yeah – sure, ‘cuz losing your job like those 7,000 United schmucks or those 1,700 USAir hacks or the ‘undiscosed’ number gettin’ the JetBlue boot of doom is, like,WAAAYYYY more acceptable — GOTCHA!! :::

Apparently mystified by that whole ‘revenue stream’ concept, the Association of Flight Attendants chapter at Spirit Airlines said:
1.) The uniforms send the wrong signal to passengers
::: Which would be what? “Thank you for flying Spirit! Why yes we DO have a beverage service!” OMG — WHAT AN OUTRAGE!!! :::

2.) Make it harder for flight attendants to enforce safety regulations.
::: because … like, what? The apron isn’t really an apron but rather an undercover agent of some super secret terrorist cell?!? OMG — WHAT AN OUTRAGE!!! :::

My advice?


Strap on the apron, sling the sauce, collect your cash and direct your righteous indignation where it really belongs — at Spirit’s long history of stupid sexist fratboy advertising!

I mean, who can forget last year’s ‘We’re having a threesome’ special – OR this year’s sequel to the superclassy campaign from 2007:

::: … ok, actually I’m just pissed no one asked me to be the spokeswhore on that one … :::

January 28, 2009 at 4:47 pm 7 comments

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