Archive for July, 2011

Subject: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!


The bitches I hang with are cool.
I call ’em ‘Thuh Kool Beeeez’.
They crack me up.
Little fuckers …


From: Koolbe_K
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:20 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

are you sh***ing me?

http://www.lyrictheatre.com/show/501-boyziimen0d0a


From: Koolbe_ME!
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:26 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

‘Uhh Ahh’, seems they are finding out ‘It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday’, but I guess that’s what happens when you’re ‘Under Pressure’ in ‘Motownphilly’ sweatin’ the ‘Little Things’ like ‘Your Love’.

All I can say, if you’re considering buying a ticket is ‘Please Don’t Go’ ‘Lonely Heart’ ‘Please Don’t Go’


From: Koolbe_L
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:29 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

Wow you are a gigantic dork…


From: Koolbe_ME!
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:29 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

NOBODY PUTS COOLEYHIGHHARMONY IN A CORNER!!!

LOL!!!


From: Koolbe_K
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:32 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

I kinda sorta really want to go. If it was Bell Biv Devoe (sp?) I would definitely be there.


From: Koolbe_ME!
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:35 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

Who would you go see less – Boyz II Men or P.M Dawn?

DISCUSS!


From: Koolbe_K
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:41 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

Honestly, I’m a little young. Hahahahahahaa. My first concert was vanilla ice.


From: Koolbe_L
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:43 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

Mine was NKOTB


From: Koolbe_K
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:45 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

BAHAHSAHA


From: Koolbe_L
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:48 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

I know right…my mom took me..

U2 was my second concert


From: Koolbe_ME!
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:51 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

My first was Dan Fogelberg at the Oak Mountain Amphitheater with the editor (Brooks Atherton) from the Leeds News, where I worked the summer between my junior and senior years in high school.

Now, if you’ll excuse me. It’s time for my Metamucil.


From: Koolbe_ME!
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:43 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

AND GET OFF MY LAWN!!!


From: Koolbe_K
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:45 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

And into your car with the ragtop down so my hair can blow?


From: Koolbe_N
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:46 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

The girlies on stand by just waiting to say hi


From: Koolbe_ME!
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:50 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

Did you stop? No, I just drove by


From: Koolbe_L
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:51 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

Seriously…. DORKS


From: Koolbe_K
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:53 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

All Right!

Stop,

Collaborate,

And Listen.


From: Koolbe_ME!
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:57 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

We should write our own …

All Right! Stop, Collaborate, And Listen.

Something in my car’s all knockin’ and hissin’


From: Koolbe_K
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 4:58 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

Hope it’s not that Hoe in the Trunk

Knew I never shoulda gotten her drunk

?


From: Koolbe_ME!
Sent: This Month, This Day, 2011 5:00 PM
To: Thuh Kool Beeeez!
Subject: RE: hahahahaha- awesome!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

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July 28, 2011 at 11:03 pm 2 comments

Spielberg is pissed, yo!


Some über-eggheads out there have gotten together, swapped brain waves or charted some graphs or used an abacus or some shit to decisionize a radical new theory that basically lays down the scientifical HELL NAW on that little old lifelong assumption that we human types aren’t the only intelligent life in the uni, after all.

Watch out Santa — they’re coming after your fat ass next!

But frealz … there’s apparently this thing out
there you’ve I’ve never heard of called the Drake Equation that’s been used since the earth’s crust cooled 60’s as the basis of all acceptance on behalf of everyone EVERYWHERE that — Yes Virginia — there really are ET-type deals and suchlike kickin’ it all over the cosmos.

‘Cept for maybe not ‘n stuff.

Because there’s this report on arXiv.org that slaps a bullshit sticker on that mess, effectively putting the DE on the galactic DL.

And don’t you just KNOW the folks out there searching for extraterrestrial intelligence at places like the SETI Institute in California feel like a big ol’ bunch of doofi right now!
::: Oh just stop trying to sound it out and get your smart on … it’s pronounced archive dot org :::

The thinking is was that you could use the Drake Equation to calculate the likelihood of making radio contact zzzzz with extraterrestrials by approximating the number of zzzzzzz radio-transmitting civilizations in our galaxy at any one time by multiplying a zzzzzzz string of factors such as:
1. The number of stars
::: but doesn’t that change? :::
2. The fraction of stars that have planets
::: Wait. Stars are buying whole planets now?!? I thought they just owned their own islands. :::
3. The fraction of those planets that are habitable
::: can’t be long after we get hold of ’em :::
4. The probability of life arising on such planets
::: can’t be much after we get hold of ’em :::
5. The likelihood of that life becoming intelligent
::: can’t be much afte … ugh, you know the drill :::

And over the years, researchifiers have used this ‘logic’ to make some ‘educated’ guesses and come to the collective conclusion that there are about 10,000 tech-savvy civilizations in the galaxy currently sending signals our way — a number that has led other science-types to predict that we’ll detect alien signals within two decades or before the next Beiber, whichever comes first.

An assertion which astrophysicist David Spiegel at Princeton University and physicist Edwin Turner at the University of Tokyo giggle over and go ‘ehh, NOTSOMUCH FOOLZ!’

Using a statistical method called Bayesian reasoning, Dave and Ed argue that life here on Earth could be common or could be extremely rare, man. Because, like, we just don’t fucking know, ya know?
And since we just don’t fucking know, there’s no fucking reason to prefer one conclusion over the other.

And there you have it.

The rub.
The fly in the ointment.
The straw that broke the camel’s back.

The sofuckingobviousIcan’tbelieve noonthoughtofthisbefore immutable point about trying to act like you definitively know what you, like, definitively do not know.
Don’t.

“Although life began on this planet fairly soon after the Earth became habitable, this fact is consistent with … life being arbitrarily rare in the Universe,” the authors write,
going on to, like, PROVE their theory using math and other highly-technical and complex PROVIFIERS that involve multi-syllabic words and ASCII-looking scribbles and suchlike that I won’t get into here because, well, there’s math and other highly-technical and complex PROVIFIERS that involve multi-syllabic words and ASCII-looking scribbles and suchlike involved.
HELLOOOO?!?

Suffice it to say that with one carefully crafted conception, two geeks have singlehandedly erased the one warm and fuzzy scientists have used as their ‘go to’ argument for decades and slapped a big fat question mark on that bitch instead.

OOOOO, BUUUUURN!!

SOURCE

July 26, 2011 at 10:56 pm

Ad Server Fail


Puts me in mind of an automated Home Depot banner ad back in the SportsLine days that featured a hand saw cutting through the promotional copy right above a story of about football player who had to have his arm amputated after an accident.

Not as unfortunate as that ginormously long sentence … but unfortunate just the same.

July 25, 2011 at 10:55 pm 2 comments

And?


A lawsuit filed by the former bodyguard of Cheetoh Spears contains shockingly nottheleastfuckingbit shocking claims that the ‘Toxic’ singer is, well, just that.

“Spears was generally personally unkempt. She had obnoxious personal habits, such as chain-smoking cigarettes … She broke wind or picked her nose un-self-consciously and unapologetically,” Fernando Flores claims in papers filed in Los Angeles Superior Court.

The allegations sent shockwaves … absolutely nowhere.

In other news, SAND IS SANDY!!!

I mean, seriously, what’s next?
A scathing exposé on the obvious obviosity of Lady Gaga’s unadulterated ripoffery?!

… going back to sleep now.

July 21, 2011 at 5:00 pm 5 comments

No. No. Forever NO!


The boneheads over at Berjuan Toys want you to buy a ‘Breast Milk Baby’ for your delicate flower of daughterhood because it will ‘teach children the nurturing skills they’ll need to raise their own healthy babies in the future,’ according to to Dennis Lewis, U.S. spokesman for the Babydoll Booby Prize winning company.

‘Breastfeeding is good for babies …’
True!

‘ …it’s good for mommies’
True!!

‘ … and it’s good for society …’
TRUE!!!

‘We really don’t understand why this has created such controversy.’
Truthfully?

Because, I mean, umm, seriously? This is wrong.
Seriously wrong.

I mean, umm, well, uhh, it’s not just the video of a real flesh and bones mommy’s breastesses complete with sucking baby attachment on the promotional video you made spliced and diced all kinds of ways with Little Suzie Seven Years Old draping her very own big-girl milking vest around her too-young-to-even-be-a-tween chest cavity as she simulates the adult action for herself.

It’s the whole and entire concept of the thing.

‘We’re being called perverts and pedophiles for promoting feeding our babies the way God intended.’

Wait.
God intended girls who haven’t even gone through puberty to breast feed?!?
Really? Where in the bible is that?
Lactations 27:6?

Ya.

You’re not being called perverts and pedophiles for promoting the breastfeeding of babies.
You’re being called perverts and pedophiles for promoting breastfeeding the breastfeeding of babies BY babies.

Because seriously, we know wrong.
We’ve seen some severe wrongness from doll makers in the past, so we know our shit.

Who can forget Remco’s creeptastic Baby Laugh-A-Lot
——————————————>
who’s shriekish sound made kids across the planet Cry-A-Lot, have Nightmares-A-Lot and End-Up-In-Therapy-A-Lot.

And what about Birthin’ Barbie?! From the tear-away tummy to the folded-up fetus inside – that bitch was bad from every angle!

Kewpies?
EWWWpeez!

Cabbage Patch Kids?
Get out of that garden!

And whatever the OHMYGODWHATTHEFUCKISTHATTHING is going on here!!

A gastly collection of toy thoughts woven together in history by WRONG!

So go ahead Breast Milk Baby – join the ranks of disgusting doll ideas for all eternity.

And you toy makers?
Do not even THINK about peddlin’ Patty Pubescence with real ‘down there’ hair, ‘kay?

‘Cuz we ain’t havin’ it!

No.

July 18, 2011 at 8:49 pm 2 comments

Who knew?!


I have wondered all my life why I am just the smallest titch shy of perfection.

No seriously. I have.

‘Cuz I’m, like, 99.99999% perfect.
Ok, 90%.
Alright, 72%.
Well, maybe 54%.
Ohfuckit I am at least 27% perfect!

But the important part isn’t how perfect I am not.
(it is, but for the sake of argument we’ll say it’s not)

The important part is who is to blame for how perfect I am not.

And the most important part of that important part is that I am not to blame for how perfect I am not.

Nope!

According to Paula Spencer — THE self-appointed grand poobah of authority on all things family — my parents are to blame!

ARE SO!

Paula points her pious index finger squarely at good ol’ mom and dad in her latest Parenting.com piece ‘9 things you shouldn’t say to your child’.

Like the time when I was 6 and I stole found my older sister’s Walkman and I tiptoed into my parents’ bedroom where my mom had retreated after one of her migraines attacked her like a Presa Canario on a trapped Lacrosse coach and I turned the volume all the way up before I slipped the headphones over her ears and she let out a pain-fueled shriek before screaming ‘Leave me alone!’

Yup. Paula pulls the WRONG card on mom for that one.

Paula says mom should have ‘set up some parameters in advance’.

See mom? You should have been psychic so you could have could ‘set up some parameters in advance’ to know that your precious little snowflake was gonna get her brat on, bust in on you and stomp all over your need for one tiny little shred of a serene second.

‘Cuz that damaged me.

Then there were those times you and dad told me not to be afraid and not to cry.

Paula says you guys shouldn’t have done that either.

Like my irrational and baseless fear of all things fungal that I’ve had since forEVER that reduces me to a weeping, wailing mess collapsed and convulsing in the nearest corner?

“… saying ‘Don’t be’ doesn’t make a child feel better, and it also can send the message that his emotions aren’t valid — that it’s not okay to be sad or scared,” Paula pontificates.

See?

You guys should have embraced and even reinfuckingFORCED the illogical fear that’s crippled me to this day and is responsible for at least one job loss and three relationship fails I can think of off the top of my head … ‘cuz that fear was rooted in emotion … and emotions are valid.

And remember this one?

‘Stop or I’ll give you something to cry about’

Uh huh.

Harmful.

Turns out unleashing every bit of hysteria a minor can muster for not minutes, not Hours, but whole and entire DAYS after being thumped on the upper arm by her younger sister was an ok and appropriate reaction after all.

And so, according to the Spencinator, were all of those floor-of-the-mall maximum decibel level crying jag, hissy fits you FORCED me into when you refused to just give me my fucking way already.

‘The problem is that sooner or later you have to make good on the threat or else it loses its power.’

You gave me something to cry about, alright.

Does that make you proud?

‘Cuz Paula says it shouldn’t.
Just sayin’

Oh Oh!

And remember all those times you guys said ‘Hurry up’ to me?

Yup.
All bad.

‘There’s a tendency when we’re rushed to make our kids feel guilty for making us rush,’ Paula pronounces.

So, yeah, I mean — even though you guys were technically rushed because of my lack of rush like pretty much every moment of every day from the time I was, mmm, BORN until just about the time I went off to college and learned the ULTRAHARD WhatdoyoumeanIactuallyhavetoBEpresentforyour9a.m.class,ProfessorBlanchard?!?!? way that my convenient personal timing was causing all kinds of inconvenience for others … it was still wrong of you guys to hassle me about hurrying up.

‘Cuz Paula said.

But you’re forgiven.

Because you didn’t know.

Because Paula wasn’t around to tell you.

Damn if I know how ANYONE parented properly before that bitch!

July 12, 2011 at 5:25 pm 2 comments

PSA, Bitches!


I know it’s summer and all and the kids are out of school and nagging you to the point of insanity on a daily basis right about now to go to some sunny spot to get their vakay on and stuff and a lot of the time that means places in Florida, which is fine and all as long as you STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM SUMMERFIELD, that is.

No shit.

Because I don’t know if it’s the water or the food or the air or the parenting or the lack thereof for any of the aforementioned, but something is definitely grimly, grizzly, grotesquely rotten in Summerfield, Florida … which is only about a half hour from Ocala and an hour or so from Orlando, where people go and gather and do summer-type fun and/or family things but may want to reconsider if for no other reason than the sheer proximity to some crazy ass pubescent crackheads in Summerfield, who seem to think it’s just a big ol’ slice of OK! to torture a trick for, uhh, well, NOTHING it seems!

BEWARE!!

Just scant months ago, a grand jury sat for about a nanosecond of a micronanosecond before indicting five hopefully future penal institute punching bags in the only-in-the-movies type murder of a 15-year-old in Summerfield, who investigators say was beaten and shot multiple times, hit with a blunt object so his kneecaps would shatter, then tossed into a burning fire pit before his remains were disposed of in five-gallon paint cans in a secluded area.

Uh huh.

And now comes news that a couple of other Internet Generation idiots made the dimwitted decision to ‘torture, kill and dismember’ another kid.

Doesn’t anyone just go to the fucking beach anymore?!?

According to the Orlando Sentinel, ‘The boys were playing an Xbox computer game and discussed a proposal to gag the boy, hit him over the head and stuff him into a “Kevlar bag” so he would sink when they threw him into waters near Miami.’

Uh huh.

This is the poodge that passes for summertime fun for some perturbed little punks in Summerfield these days.

The second boy offered to bring a “torture kit” that he said he kept in the trunk of his car.

Read that one more time.

The kid is riding around with all of the ingredients assembled to inflict an outrageous amount of anguish on another soul.

And he thinks it’s ok.

Uh huh.

Now me? Oh sure. The Cookie’s got some junk in her trunk.

A pair of jumper cables, a blanket, a light-up suction-cup AU sign and pair of platform shoes.

Not exacely ridin’ dirty … or murdery like some people I could name but won’t because the popo haven’t released the little fucker’s name yet, but a sheriff’s search of the butchery little bastard’s trunk revealed an ax, surgical cutting tools, a torch lighter, rope and scissors.

Uh huh.

The teens were each arrested on a charge of conspiracy to commit murder.

So, seriously and frealz out there whoever you are and wherever you may be accessing LIAC from … STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM SUMMERFIELD ‘cuz the kids there?

They ain’t RIGHT!

July 11, 2011 at 4:53 pm 1 comment

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