Posts tagged ‘comedy’

Hold EVERYTHING!!!


Forget death and disease!
Forget natural disasters!!
Forget politics!!!

Forget EVERYTHING currently going on in any corner, crevice or crack of the entire and known thing we call THE UNIVERSE
because no event, no occurrence, no happening anywhere is anywhere nearly as interesting, as extraordinary or as singularly significant as what has taken place in that teeny tiny wee little underpopulated location we call China JUST this very weekend!!!!

Chinese Break World Mattress Dominoes Record

OHHH!
EMMMM!!
GEEEEEEE!!!

Is there no deed, development or feat of derring-do the peeps of the planet’s most populous place do not dominate?!?

Seems NOT!

It all went down in a Shanghai shopping mall on Saturday, where China state media approvingly reported that “volunteers, mostly domino lovers, first carefully arranged and leaned against 1,001 mattresses … being careful not to fall back and ruin the rally before it even started.

Can’t you just imagine the chaos if the group of Guinnes go-getters hadn’t been “mostly domino lovers”?!?
Thank GOD they left nothing to chance!!

Cheng Dong, an authenticator from the Guinness World Records, breaks it all down for us …

“For an event like this involving 1,000 people to succeed first time is not just about luck.”
::: Fuck no it’s not! :::

“All other conditions must be correct.”
::: Don’t even argue. They just MUST, OK?!? :::

“First of all, all the participants must fully understand the rules.”
::: Which are basically boiled down to ‘don’t fuck it up!’ :::

“Second, our volunteers were all very brave.”
::: Oh yes. A brave, brave battalion of cushion commandos, indeed! :::

Oh, but victory is fleeting and there is truly no rest for burned out bed bombers!

Because the challenge is born anew, bitches!!

Because just a scant few months ago, it was an American assembly of 850 pallet pilots from the holy grail of all things bed — La Quinta Inns and Suites — who were crowned the officially authenticated Guinness World Record holders for achieving the Largest Human Mattress Dominoes endeavor!

Do we hear 1001, America?!?!?

U-S-A!
U-S-A!!

July 16, 2012 at 5:50 pm

ALL HAIL BB!!


Yesterday bore witness to a mighty feat!

A Major Accomplishment!!

A MONUMENTOUS EVENT!!!

… and you missed it …

… a fact that would normally make me put on a big ol’ boo-hoo frowny face for you, except — this time — I don’t have to.

Because you were saved.

SAVED!

Saved by my Birmingham Buddette — who’s name shall remain a secret but who’s initials are The Most Magnificent Mom and Marvelous Motorist Extraordinaire To Infinity EVAR!!!!

SAVED!

Because she’s a hero like that.

ALL HAIL BB!!

Because while you and Flo Rida were gettin’ your collective ‘Good Feeling’ on, she was diverting DOOM by keeping her shit all kinds of together while witnessing nothing short of all-out hitchhiking hijackery — on her windsheild!

BEHOLD!

Hitchhiking Hot Slut

Questions abound!

How was the runaway reptile able to sustain the shanghai at speeds in excess of 70 miles per hour?!

How did my Birmingham Budette manage to operate her automobile under such dire circumstances?!?

How did that lizard stay latched on for more than 20 miles?!?!

How many of you motorists passed this public phenomenon – completely unaware you could have borne witness to one of the most treacherous treks in all of known history dating back to the  invention of the WHEEL in the most ancient of times?!?!?!

Ohhhh, make no mistake about it, people!

THIS will undoubtedly go down as one of history’s GREAT mysteries!

Because the critter certainly has no comment and my Birmingham Buddette’s far too fly to divulge the deets before the book deal’s done!

… and you missed it

ALL HAIL BB!!

March 27, 2012 at 3:34 pm 2 comments

NOOOooooooo!!!


My (other) boo … my comedic counselmy satirical soul-mate … has been wronged, y’all!!

Katt Williams has been filming a movie and staying at the producer’s home in rural Georgia for a month when suddenly an employee of the producer got his amnesia on, apparently forgot who my kitty Katt was and called Johnny Law to report my (other) boo as a burglar!
::: WRONGNESS! :::

Barry Hankerson – the film’s producer – told investigators that my (other) boo had total and complete permies to stay at his place for as long as his sweet little ol’ heart desires.
::: CASE CLOSED! :::

“The community and law enforcement have been very welcoming and kind to him,” Georgia lawyer Alan Clarke said. “This is a misunderstanding which will work out quickly.”

I hope so!
In the meantime – even a wrongful arrest can’t keep Mr. Kattastic from finding the funny:

t1larg.katt.williams.mug

I can’t wait for the standup on this!

SOURCE

November 10, 2009 at 11:19 am 14 comments

GIRLCRUSH – The Sequel


Bitch is funny and topical!
I think I love her.

July 10, 2009 at 10:38 am

Tan on fire


A South Carolina man escaped from a tanning bed as it burst into flames this week.

tanfireDude was gettin’ his melanoma on when he heard a ‘popping noise’, looked down and saw a flame at the corner of the bed near his foot.
Mr. Quickthinker threw open the lid, jumped out and ran.

Oh sorry!

None of this retarded mess is, like,  newsworthy or anything – I just got a serious case of the tee hees picturing his twig and berries roasting over the UV fire is all.
::: Being easily amused is like being on vacation all the time!!! :::

Can you just imagine the color he could have gotten if he hadn’t pussed out and panicked!
::: WIMP!!! :::

Hey hotstuff!

If your shit’s still sizzlin’ – might I suggest you spend a little time chillin’ that junk in the Mush Room of Sweden’s Icehotel? Yeah – it’s cool like that …

March 11, 2009 at 3:18 pm 2 comments

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