WWJD?

He’d creep up into your crib, drop his drawers and insist on sex with your spouse and spawn, of course!

Just ask Jesus 65-year-old Jean Timms of Gun Town (yep, you read that right), Mississippi, who let himself into an abode in Franklin, Alabama and told the startled homeowner that he was the savior himself and was there to have sex with the man’s wife and daughter.

MESSIANIC MONKEY BUSINESS!!!

After a couple of minutes passed with no water turning to wine, harps and cherubs appearing or diseases being miraculously cured, the Lamb lunatic of God got all ‘ok, haha, ya got me … I’m really Elvis Presley’ … then he dropped his pants.

A-wop-bop-a-loom-a-boom-bam-boom
TUTTI FRUTTI

Cue the 911 call and here come the boys in blue, who found Jes … Elv … WHACKJOB just outside the house with his pants still pulled down.

Upon his arrest, Timms pulled a true switcheroo and claimed he was REALLY the grandson of Harry Houdini and could escape from anywhere – ANYWHERE, BITCHES!!!!!

… ‘cept those skills clearly need work cuz’ The Great Disappointment is still sitting in the Franklin County Jail … without bail.

FAIL!

Franklin County District Attorney Joey Rushing – in an uncanny rendition of FUCKING OBVIOUS! – said, “Just based on the circumstances of the arrest, we’ll be asking the state to conduct a mental evaluation on the suspect when the time comes.”

ya think?!

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You gotta want it BAAAAD!

Listen up, ladies!

If you’ve been bringin’ the chunk and are just flat-out tired of fighting that flab then have I got good news for you!

You can say adios to Atkins and put away the Pilates equipment because diet and exercise are so last year!

All you need to get trim and toned is about $725, a boatload of Band-Aids and a preposterously-high threshold for pain.

WHEEE!!!

The Dermaroller, last year’s cult beauty hit, is every girl’s gateway to getting gorgeous.

The needle-studded roller previously used a bunch of piddly 0.5-1.5mm pins for facial firming-upping but inventor Michael Prager went all ‘pffeh! on that mess and pimped that bitch OUT with 3mm needles to tortuously target your saggiest sections!

MARVELOUSLY MEDIEVAL!

The roller works by piercing the tiny blood vessels in the top layer of skin.
[ow]
The resulting [ow] bleeding [ow] releases platelets, which help to repair and regenerate connective tissues, stimulating the production of collagen. It’s the same principle that applies to facial peels [ow] and laser skin treatments [ow].

However, rather than damaging the top layer of skin – the way both of peels and lasers do – the 20-minute Dermaroller treatment penetrates straight through into the dermis.

Oh yes! A bloody good show, indeed!

After a topical anaesthetic cream is applied to the area being treated, the device is rolled across the skin 16 times in a star-shaped formation, creating around 250 tiny punctures per centimeter square inch. You couldn’t treat an area bigger than a stomach, for example, in one session.

‘Even with the anaesthetic cream, the process was agony,’ victim patient Stephanie Jones explained. ‘For the last five minutes I was screaming. But I suppose it’s still less painful than a tummy tuck. I walked out of the clinic straight after, and although I was bruised the next day, I didn’t need painkillers.’

Two weeks after her treatment Stephanie’s stretch marks began fading and the folds of loose skin on her tummy were tightening.

So it’s savage … but it’s successful.

Win-win?

Well, for Stephanie it sure is! That hot slut is going back for seconds!

And me?
Well, I say (wo)Man-UP and get a total body makeover! Go full Iron-Maiden or go home, wimps!

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{{{{{ SHON! }}}}}

You gave me one of my most recent moments of pure joy when, at 10 in the morning of February 3, you told me you loved me as only a National Signing Day recruit can — by committing to me Auburn for the next several years.

And now I return the love as only an Auburn-obsessed (and therefore everything related to Auburn-obsessed) devotee can — by committing all of my positive energy squarely in your direction and wishing you every ounce of everything good and pure that I possibly can as you battle back to health.

You can do it – we’re all here for you!

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PURE AWESOME!

 I totally this guy!!!

Huh?

Ok Cookie monsters … riddle me this because the Cookie is in one helluva quandary over people losing their gat DAMNED minds over health care reform – one area specifically … and it’s not even a brain-teaser!

I mean, am I not required to buy auto insurance to protect me, my car and others on the road?
Huh? Like yeah and stuff??

So how come none of the attorneys general, Republitards or other unprogressives ever complained that forced insurance coverage for autos is unconstitutional?
Huh? (it’s ok … I know …)

Why are they crying like big, fact babies that mandatory health insurance is unconstitutional?
Huh? (it’s ok … I know …)

Can anyone sort that out for me?
Huh? (it’s ok … I know …)

XOXO,
Cookie 😉