Archive for March, 2010
He’d creep up into your crib, drop his drawers and insist on sex with your spouse and spawn, of course!
Just ask Jesus 65-year-old Jean Timms of Gun Town (yep, you read that right), Mississippi, who let himself into an abode in Franklin, Alabama and told the startled homeowner that he was the savior himself and was there to have sex with the man’s wife and daughter.
MESSIANIC MONKEY BUSINESS!!!
After a couple of minutes passed with no water turning to wine, harps and cherubs appearing or diseases being miraculously cured, the Lamb lunatic of God got all ‘ok, haha, ya got me … I’m really Elvis Presley’ … then he dropped his pants.
Cue the 911 call and here come the boys in blue, who found Jes … Elv … WHACKJOB just outside the house with his pants still pulled down.
Upon his arrest, Timms pulled a true switcheroo and claimed he was REALLY the grandson of Harry Houdini and could escape from anywhere – ANYWHERE, BITCHES!!!!!
… ‘cept those skills clearly need work cuz’ The Great Disappointment is still sitting in the Franklin County Jail … without bail.
Franklin County District Attorney Joey Rushing – in an uncanny rendition of FUCKING OBVIOUS! – said, “Just based on the circumstances of the arrest, we’ll be asking the state to conduct a mental evaluation on the suspect when the time comes.”
Listen up, ladies!
If you’ve been bringin’ the chunk and are just flat-out tired of fighting that flab then have I got good news for you!
You can say adios to Atkins and put away the Pilates equipment because diet and exercise are so last year!
All you need to get trim and toned is about $725, a boatload of Band-Aids and a preposterously-high threshold for pain.
The Dermaroller, last year’s cult beauty hit, is every girl’s gateway to getting gorgeous.
The needle-studded roller previously used a bunch of piddly 0.5-1.5mm pins for facial firming-upping but inventor Michael Prager went all ‘pffeh! on that mess and pimped that bitch OUT with 3mm needles to tortuously target your saggiest sections!
The roller works by piercing the tiny blood vessels in the top layer of skin.
The resulting [ow] bleeding [ow] releases platelets, which help to repair and regenerate connective tissues, stimulating the production of collagen. It’s the same principle that applies to facial peels [ow] and laser skin treatments [ow].
However, rather than damaging the top layer of skin – the way both of peels and lasers do – the 20-minute Dermaroller treatment penetrates straight through into the dermis.
Oh yes! A bloody good show, indeed!
After a topical anaesthetic cream is applied to the area being treated, the device is rolled across the skin 16 times in a star-shaped formation, creating around 250 tiny punctures per centimeter square inch. You couldn’t treat an area bigger than a stomach, for example, in one session.
‘Even with the anaesthetic cream, the process was agony,’ victim patient Stephanie Jones explained. ‘For the last five minutes I was screaming. But I suppose it’s still less painful than a tummy tuck. I walked out of the clinic straight after, and although I was bruised the next day, I didn’t need painkillers.’
Two weeks after her treatment Stephanie’s stretch marks began fading and the folds of loose skin on her tummy were tightening.
So it’s savage … but it’s successful.
Well, for Stephanie it sure is! That hot slut is going back for seconds!
Well, I say (wo)Man-UP and get a total body makeover! Go full Iron-Maiden or go home, wimps!
You gave me one of my most recent moments of pure joy when, at 10 in the morning of February 3, you told me you loved me as only a National Signing Day recruit can — by committing to me Auburn for the next several years.
And now I return the love as only an Auburn-obsessed (and therefore everything related to Auburn-obsessed) devotee can — by committing all of my positive energy squarely in your direction and wishing you every ounce of everything good and pure that I possibly can as you battle back to health.
You can do it – we’re all here for you!
Ok Cookie monsters … riddle me this because the Cookie is in one helluva quandary over people losing their gat DAMNED minds over health care reform – one area specifically … and it’s not even a brain-teaser!
I mean, am I not required to buy auto insurance to protect me, my car and others on the road?
Huh? Like yeah and stuff??
So how come none of the attorneys general, Republitards or other unprogressives ever complained that forced insurance coverage for autos is unconstitutional?
Huh? (it’s ok … I know …)
Why are they crying like big, fact babies that mandatory health insurance is unconstitutional?
Huh? (it’s ok … I know …)
Can anyone sort that out for me?
Huh? (it’s ok … I know …)
It’s (almost) time to get happy, hobos because there’s a superserious respectable labor economist-type thinker out there projecting there will be more jobs than people to fill them in the United States by 2018.
That’s right breadliners!
You are free to now fully embrace your unemployability and savor that soup kitchen flavor ‘cuz salvation is a mere 2,920 days away!!!
In his positively atrociously titled report (After the Recovery: Help Needed – The Coming Labor Shortage and How People in Encore Careers Can Help Solve It), equally atrociously titled Barry Bluestone, Dean of the School of Public Policy and Urban Affairs at Northeastern University, forecasts that within the next eight years there could be at least 5 million potential job vacancies in the United States.
And nearly half of them (2.4 million) in social sector jobs in education, health care, government and nonprofit organizations …
… assuming a return to healthy economic growth and no change in immigration or labor force participation rates, that is.
Did he sneak in an ‘assuming’ in there?
“If the baby boom generation retires from the labor force at the same rate and age as current older workers, the baby bust generation that follows will likely be too small to fill many of the projected new jobs.”
Did I sniff an ‘if’?
‘Assume’ + ‘If’ = UNCERTAINTY!!!
Ohh, but hang on there bums – there is a silverlining to Mr. Smartypants’ analysis.
His report is one of four released this week by MetLife Foundation and Civic Ventures, a think tank on baby boomers, work and social purpose. And all four soboringifyouhaveinsomniayou’llbeasleepinnotime reports come to the same conclusion:
Workers over 55 will be vital to meeting work force shortages.
Long about the time your retirement savings run out and you’ve surrendered or sold most of your assets to feed the members of your extended family and their families who had to move in with you just to get through the New Great Depression ™ – you’ll get to go back to work!
I have a mission!
I’ve heard the call!!
I finally know my purpose, y’all!!!
I MUST SAVE IRELAND!!!!
Against the backdrop of deep recession and rampant unemployment, alcohol consumption all over the Emerald Isle has crashed harder than Amy Winehouse after a 4-month Blaaaaaaaaaaake binge!
Ireland’s per capital alcohol consumption fell by 9.6 percent in 2009 and is now 21 percent below an all-time peak in 2001 when Ireland’s economy was booming.
TWENTY ONE PERCENT DOWNTURNAGE!!!!
“It was the worst year for our industry in living memory,” Kieran Tobin, chairman of the Drinks Industry Group of Ireland (DIGI), told a news conference in a central Dublin pub.
WORSTEST MOST AWFULEST YEAR IN LIVING MEMORY!!!!
And, if it wasn’t bad enough already – the decline in dedicated drinking was made even worse by the combination of a strong euro and comparatively low excise duty on spirits in Northern Ireland, because that shit flat out drove folks over the edge border to buy their drinks elsewhere, which cost the Irish government an estimated 100 million euros ($135.1 million) a year in lost revenue.
And all that statistical stuff translates to pubs closing at the rate of around one a day (YIKES) and 15,000 jobs lost across the region over the last 18 months.
PUBS CLOSING = DEFCON FIVE! DEFCON FIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!
This is serious shit and I won’t have it!
Hang on girl! Help is coming!!
Cookie and her hollow leg are on the way!!!!!