Archive for January, 2010

One year ago today …

A douche was shown the door.
::: And you all didn’t think the world was a better place now … :::

January 29, 2010 at 11:38 am 2 comments


There are some things I do not want.

1. I do not want to hear about your infection, Bruce.
Not unless you think it’ll kill you. Then I might attempt to feign interest. Maybe.

2. I do not want to watch you adjust yourself every fucking time you stand up.
This means YOU, Nate! Fucking QUIT IT!

3. And I don’t want to have images of Bill Gates table-dancing burned into my head.
Uh, ya, thanks for that, NYP.

According to The Posts’s Page Six, Wild Bill and his floppy, uhh, disc were spotted at the Sundance Film Festival gyrating “in a VIP booth until 2 a.m. Everybody was snapping photos of him until his security rushed him out the back door after he tipped a waitress $500.”

Kinda makes me wonder how big the RAM is in his hard drive.

I mean, it’s not that I think Bill shouldn’t get his groove on because I firmly feel that everyone should. Every day! Lots!!
It’s just that some folks need to keep that shit to themselves.

Bill is one of those folks.

Because when folks like Bill set out to get they swerve on, it invariably ends up resembling an all-out epileptic episode or convulsive seizure or some fruncked-up mess that makes me go all ‘eww’ before I get all ‘awww’ and start to feel bad for the poor, retarded so-and-so because they didn’t know any better or – worse – thought they had moves to begin with … but in a way that makes me feel all ‘ha!’ because I can do the paso doble or bring on the break-dancing and I just might even show you the stanky leg if I’ve been properly primed — which makes me feel super superior because it’s at that precise moment that I realize I’m actually better at something than those folks which makes me one step more perfect than they are which, when I really put it all into perspective, is a giant slice of way cool multiplied by the the power of ten million rainbows because my logic has just proven that I am better than Bill Gates and that’s something I DO WANT … but now my head hurts really bad for some reason and I think I need to lie down …


January 28, 2010 at 11:28 am 2 comments

You know who you are

You are them. You are they. You are the those who flock to FarmVille first thing each morning and spend untold hours on the app all day. Every day.

Does this sound familiar? Does this look familiar?
That’s because you, my friend, are an addict. But it’s ok … deeeeep breaths … Facebook has a support group just for you 😉

The first step is admitting you have a problem …
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go harvest some berries …

January 27, 2010 at 11:52 am 4 comments

Adventures in Piss-Poor Parenting

Old and busted: Grounding your kid for punishment
New hotness: Making your kid murder something for punishment

Well, at least for one mentally-challenged mother in Georgia, it is.

Move over Jo-Jo ‘Tat Mom’ Marsh – there’s a new Queen of the Decidedly Dumbass!

Meet Lynn ‘Do my Crazy, Vacant, Googly Eyes Make Me Look Like A Batshit Crazy Crackah’ Middlebrooks Geter —–>

Lynn’s response to her son’s shitty report card wasn’t sending him to bed with no dinner, taking away his PlayStation or locking up the Webkinz.

Hell to the no!
Lynn’s not down with that tried-and-true shit!
She believes a lesson isn’t truly learned unless a sin’s been duly earned!

And so, for the grievous infraction of failing subtraction [or whatever the hell he came up short on] — Lynn thought the best way to impress upon her son the importance of academic excellence was to hand over a hammer and have him act as hitman on his own hamster.
::: Appropriate Response ULTRAFAIL :::

The day after his mom forced him to kill his beloved pet, Lynn’s  12-year-old soon-to-be-plagued-with-horrific-flashbacks son told his teacher … who reported it to DFCS authorities … who contacted police … who arrested Mommy Muttonhead and charged her with one count each of animal cruelty, child cruelty and battery.
::: Appropriate Response SUCCESS :::

If this is how she supervises schoolwork, can you just imagine how that trick handled potty training!?

* mad props to saratoday for the heads-up on this heinous ho *


January 26, 2010 at 11:53 am 3 comments


::: Sorry greeneyedgirl – it had to be done! :::

Next month, Burger King is opening a new Whopper Bar in South Beach that will sell beer and burgers.

Complicated Order!

Just kidding — that bitch would be in heaven!!

* Beatbox *
It’s the sickest kind of day, you gonna git it all your way
A Double Whopper and some fries, with a cold one on the side …
* Beatbox *

Burger Kings in Germany and Whopper Bars in Singapore and Venezuela already sell suds, but this will be the first BK B&B in the US to get they drank on.

* Beatbox *
I’ll give it to you in a cup, and I’ll fill that muthah up
But forget about dessert, unless you lookin’ to get hurt …
Beatbox *

More Whopper Bars could be coming to New York, Los Angeles and Las Vegas, says Chuck Fallon, president of Miami-based Burger King North America.



January 25, 2010 at 11:51 am 6 comments

Oh for the love of …

I bear witness to the truest devotion ever to exist in the history of all histories in humanity.
::: outside of my complete commitment to all things Auburn, that is :::

I speak of a love that knows no bounds.
I speak of a love that burns brighter than the flames of a thousand suns!
I speak of a love more magnificant than Jim Eastabrook’s follicular masterpiece!!
I speak of a love unrivaled by even the craziest of crazy crazies!!!!

I speak of Dolly … or, rather, the unbridaled affection – nay – Adoration – NoOBSESSION my friend Kattrin has for the lady, the legend: Dolly Parton.

“Dolly is the guiding principle of my life,” Kattrin broadcast over the intercom system at our office before security could stop her. “If I even think Dolly would disapprove, I don’t do it.”

Do what?

And that’s why I Kattrin!

Because – unlike some people who shall go unnamed but who’s initials are Everyone Who Doesn’t Know The Auburn Fight Song By Heart – she understands the power of pure love, ultimate sacrifice and well, more importantly, what can happen when your midday meal is a mix of mostly meds and Mohitos.

“Dolly has tremendous drive and talent! She is extremely witty, which means she is super smart because you can’t be witty without being intelligent. YOU JUST CAN’T!” she enthusiastically explained over the cacophony of approaching sirens.

“She wears horrendous clothes – and she does it with pride!” she continued as Officer Lasalde gently guided her out of the building. “Did you know Dolly is the 4th of 12 children?” she probed.

He didn’t.
She recoiled in obvious disgust.

“So you didn’t know then that after she got famous, she took several of her younger siblings and raised them?! You didn’t know that? Seriously?!? Good GAWD! Uh, what about YOU??” she turned and asked of the ambulance crew.

They didn’t.
She raged.

“WHO FUCKING RAISED YOU PEOPLE?! ACK!!! My god – Dolly has the BEST stories about her childhood in Sevierville. Plus she strongly believes in her own faith – but you know why she is so wonderful? Huh? Do you? It’s because she doesn’t make me do the same AND she doesn’t judge me when we hang out. Because we totally hang out. Like, every day. All the tiiiiiime,” her voice trailed off as he IV went to work.

“You don’t understaaaaaand!” came a muffled cry as they drove away.

They didn’t.
But I do.

January 22, 2010 at 8:37 pm 2 comments

Because it’s Friday …

… and you need her …
::: trust me – we all do :::

Bow down and be humbled by the total awesomeness that is Bon Qui Qui

January 22, 2010 at 11:01 am 2 comments

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