One year ago today …

A douche was shown the door.
::: And you all didn’t think the world was a better place now … :::

DO NOT WANT!

There are some things I do not want.

1. I do not want to hear about your infection, Bruce.
Not unless you think it’ll kill you. Then I might attempt to feign interest. Maybe.

2. I do not want to watch you adjust yourself every fucking time you stand up.
This means YOU, Nate! Fucking QUIT IT!

3. And I don’t want to have images of Bill Gates table-dancing burned into my head.
Uh, ya, thanks for that, NYP.

According to The Posts’s Page Six, Wild Bill and his floppy, uhh, disc were spotted at the Sundance Film Festival gyrating “in a VIP booth until 2 a.m. Everybody was snapping photos of him until his security rushed him out the back door after he tipped a waitress $500.”

Kinda makes me wonder how big the RAM is in his hard drive.
OH HELL NO IT DOESN’T!!!!

I mean, it’s not that I think Bill shouldn’t get his groove on because I firmly feel that everyone should. Every day! Lots!!
It’s just that some folks need to keep that shit to themselves.

Bill is one of those folks.

Because when folks like Bill set out to get they swerve on, it invariably ends up resembling an all-out epileptic episode or convulsive seizure or some fruncked-up mess that makes me go all ‘eww’ before I get all ‘awww’ and start to feel bad for the poor, retarded so-and-so because they didn’t know any better or – worse – thought they had moves to begin with … but in a way that makes me feel all ‘ha!’ because I can do the paso doble or bring on the break-dancing and I just might even show you the stanky leg if I’ve been properly primed — which makes me feel super superior because it’s at that precise moment that I realize I’m actually better at something than those folks which makes me one step more perfect than they are which, when I really put it all into perspective, is a giant slice of way cool multiplied by the the power of ten million rainbows because my logic has just proven that I am better than Bill Gates and that’s something I DO WANT … but now my head hurts really bad for some reason and I think I need to lie down …

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You know who you are

You are them. You are they. You are the those who flock to FarmVille first thing each morning and spend untold hours on the app all day. Every day.

Does this sound familiar? Does this look familiar?
Yesssssss.
That’s because you, my friend, are an addict. But it’s ok … deeeeep breaths … Facebook has a support group just for you 😉

The first step is admitting you have a problem …
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go harvest some berries …

Adventures in Piss-Poor Parenting

Old and busted: Grounding your kid for punishment
New hotness: Making your kid murder something for punishment

Well, at least for one mentally-challenged mother in Georgia, it is.

Move over Jo-Jo ‘Tat Mom’ Marsh – there’s a new Queen of the Decidedly Dumbass!

Meet Lynn ‘Do my Crazy, Vacant, Googly Eyes Make Me Look Like A Batshit Crazy Crackah’ Middlebrooks Geter —–>

Lynn’s response to her son’s shitty report card wasn’t sending him to bed with no dinner, taking away his PlayStation or locking up the Webkinz.

Hell to the no!
Lynn’s not down with that tried-and-true shit!
She believes a lesson isn’t truly learned unless a sin’s been duly earned!

And so, for the grievous infraction of failing subtraction [or whatever the hell he came up short on] — Lynn thought the best way to impress upon her son the importance of academic excellence was to hand over a hammer and have him act as hitman on his own hamster.
::: Appropriate Response ULTRAFAIL :::

The day after his mom forced him to kill his beloved pet, Lynn’s  12-year-old soon-to-be-plagued-with-horrific-flashbacks son told his teacher … who reported it to DFCS authorities … who contacted police … who arrested Mommy Muttonhead and charged her with one count each of animal cruelty, child cruelty and battery.
::: Appropriate Response SUCCESS :::

If this is how she supervises schoolwork, can you just imagine how that trick handled potty training!?

Yikes.
* mad props to saratoday for the heads-up on this heinous ho *

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WWBQQD?

::: Sorry greeneyedgirl – it had to be done! :::

Next month, Burger King is opening a new Whopper Bar in South Beach that will sell beer and burgers.

Complicated Order!
SA-CURRITY!!!

Just kidding — that bitch would be in heaven!!

* Beatbox *
It’s the sickest kind of day, you gonna git it all your way
A Double Whopper and some fries, with a cold one on the side …
* Beatbox *

Burger Kings in Germany and Whopper Bars in Singapore and Venezuela already sell suds, but this will be the first BK B&B in the US to get they drank on.

* Beatbox *
I’ll give it to you in a cup, and I’ll fill that muthah up
But forget about dessert, unless you lookin’ to get hurt …
* Beatbox *

More Whopper Bars could be coming to New York, Los Angeles and Las Vegas, says Chuck Fallon, president of Miami-based Burger King North America.

HEEYYYY!!

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