Archive for April, 2008

Now that’s downsizing!


Vietnamese Potbellied PigOld and Busted:
Vietnamese Potbellied Pig pets.
Those wildly popular housebeasts from the 1990s that Americans just couldn’t get enough of (along with Wreckx-N-Effect, Digable Planet, Haddaway and many other things we’ve thankfully learned to live without)

::: All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom … JUST SHAKE YA RUMP! :::

New Hotness:
Pocket Pigs.
These mini-porklets are the result of a breeding program at Britain’s Pennywell Farm, which produces future bacon that grows no bigger than a small dog.

Cue the AWWWWW

Pennywell Farm Mimipig

April 30, 2008 at 5:27 pm 2 comments

Pansy-ass Ohioans think killing is wrong


What the hell is wrong with Ohio?

Ohio is like a prissy little girlIt was  just a couple of weeks ago that the Supreme Court said everyone could go back to the time-honored American tradition of state-sponsored, organized murder. 
— Florida was all for it!
— Mississippi thanked ’em kindly
— Kentucky gave a big Woo-Hoo
— And Texas said a Hell Yeah and a YeeeeHAW!

And then there was Ohio.
Wimp-assed, ungrateful, whiney Ohio.

She just stood there – fists clenched in anger, teetering on the edge of a major ‘You’re not the boss of me — you can’t make me!” hissy fit.

Prissy little twat.
Listen missy, if it’s good enough for the Supremes, then it should damn well be good enough for you!

::: We don’t waaaaant to. Killing is wrooooooong. blah blah blah :::

Seems they have some friggin’ moral  issue with murder in the Midwest. 

“I’m not comfortable with it,” said Ohio Gov. Ted ‘I put the Guber in Gubernatorial’ Strickland. “I hope never to be comfortable with it.”

Yeah? Well man up and GET used to it!
You are part of these United States whether you want to be or not – and being American means killing. We kill things – people, animals, the planet, the hopes and dreams of our children … it’s just what we do here.

C’mon Ohio!! You used to be badass!
You were second only to Texas as America’s preeminent killing field!
Don’t you remember the glory days?!?

Oh, but that was all before that sissified Democrat Strickland came on the scene.
Before him, Ohio had Bob Taft — a Republican Ohioans could get behind to kill, Kill, KILL on their behalf — and he liked it!

Under Taft, 24 people got to meet their maker. Under Strickland? Two.
Where’s the commitment to tradition?!?

Today, 184 inmates sit on Ohio’s death row – and many are out of appeals! Hell, they may as well be dead already – the job practically does itself … except that it’s not just Strickland holding Ohio back.
The buckeye state is also saddled with Attorney General Marc Dann — another Democrat committed to running around in tights and whining about doing the ‘right thing’.

“I think we can do better,” he said. “We need to make sure it’s being applied fairly across all racial and socio-economic groups.”

Fair Schmair, weenie!
That is NOT how we do things in today’s ill-informed-al-Qaeda-obsessed-it’s-us-or-them-Git-R-Done Wal-Merica!

Looks like someone Ohio didn’t get the memo …
Man Up, Bitch trucker hat from Cafepress

April 29, 2008 at 6:12 pm 4 comments

Prom in the South …


Alabama Teens Go A-Promin\'!

So, yeah, that  happened …

Do YOU have an, umm, interesting prom pic you want to share (or equally humiliating story)? We’d love to see ’em!

April 28, 2008 at 4:09 pm 2 comments

Britney eats a puppy


Brooke Hogan filming on the campus of Florida Atlantic UniversityI’m sure she could – then she’d wash that ankle-biter down with Cheetoh-resin and Schnapps … but actually, this is Brooke Hogan filming some crap for some craptastic show on the campus of Florida Atlantic University … prolly the closest this bitch will ever get to ‘higher education’.

Are we sure The Hulkster didn’t have two sons and one just likes a plunging neckline and hooker heels?

She’s a tranny, right?? She’s gotta be. C’mon … she could totally be a dude … or Brit Brit herself with another 20-30 lubbs on her chin.
Damn girl — when a washed-up 26-year-old who can’t even be trusted to babysit her own kids (or wear a bra or underwear or be properly shod) looks better than you — why even get out of bed in the morning? 

Again — why is she famous?
Either one … 

April 26, 2008 at 12:40 am

McLovin’ It!


Red Pine Tree - Minnesota State TreeMinnee-sodan’s are gettin’ their tree on!

Today is the last Friday in April which means it’s Arbor Day and that means you’re supposed to get a shovel, dig a hole and arborize that bitch. But since most of us live in areas too urbanized to find one square inch of dirt from which a tree might grow, the real work of Arbor Day falls to those hearty Mid-and Northwestern types (where land is plentiful because, really, who wants to live there?!?).

Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, McDonald’s has teamed up with Minnesota Forest Industries and some local teevee station to give away thousands of baby Minnesota state trees! YAY TREES!
Customers at any of the 225 participating Minnesota McDonald’s greasepits can get a side of Red Pine seedling with their McMeal today, but no purchase is necessary, so TREES FOR EVERYONE!!
McLovin' It McDonald's sign with Superbad star

April 25, 2008 at 1:00 pm 3 comments

She’s not packin’ Heat


Dwayne Wade is not dating Star Jones

Yup … we imagine this is exactly how Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade feels about the rumors that he is Star Jones’ new paramour.

Friends I can fathom.
Luvahs? Oh hell to the naws kiddies.

April 25, 2008 at 10:30 am

One less retiree-to-be in Baltimore


What IS the world coming to when an off-duty police officer can’t even knock a few back at his favorite titty bar without all hell breaking loose?

Haven Street barThat’s the predicament one Baltimore official found himself in when he walked out of the B-town booby bar brandishing brass knuckles and tried to join a brawl.

See, some fugly bitches had come into the Haven Street bar a while earlier lookin’ for work. They must have been straight up busted in the face because their mere presence started the melee.

“Some people made comments about them and then the fight was on,” the police commish said. He said uniformed officers were on the scene when the off-duty officer emerged from the bar armed with brass knuckles.

Whassssss thuh prolemmmm ohssifurz *hic* 

Enter the poor young officer-shooter, who had planted himself by a door to prevent any other sobriety-challenged patrons from joining the fun.

Here’s how The Cookie thinks it went down:
Young officer confronts off-duty officer: ‘Hold it right there, grampy!’
Blinking from the boozy yellow glare of streetlights, ODO brings the ‘Hell naw with that  action, ya little shitstick!’
YO gets Taser-happy.
ODO hits the ground.
Zzzzzzzzzttttt
Pissed off and drooling, ODO whips out his gun.
YO does too.
You already know who won

Young officer says he didn’t recognize drunk, sloppy, slurry off-duty officer, and there’s no indication the old horndog ODO identified himself as an officer, but who really understands the language of the drunk-ass anyway? It’s like Pig Latin for adults, isn’t it?

… I’z uh ohsssifur en ahh goht yer bajj raht heerr, fukkur! *hic*

ODO, a 44-year veteran of the force, is being hailed as a good cop and mentor to others and, you know, he probably was  a pretty damned good guy … when he wasn’t watchin’ ’em work the pole!

I’ve got to think Mrs. ODO isn’t very happy that her husband’s last moments were spent battling over a bunch of fug-ass drunk bitches who could probably eat corn on the cob through a barbed-wire fence.

And for those keeping score: ODO is the seventh person shot and killed by Baltimore police this year … until tomorrow.

April 24, 2008 at 9:42 pm

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