Pirate puss out in 3… 2…

December 2, 2008 at 4:35 pm 6 comments


Just who exactly is running these rinky dink pirate outfits these days?
Seriously! They don’t seem all that badass to me.

artnauticacruiseprestigeThey get all ‘gimme gimme’ when it comes to hijacked oil tankers and confiscated container ships full of wheat but put a cruise ship in their sights and they flat-out forget how to get their attack on!
::: Aaarrrgghhh!! :::

This weekend a bunch of sea bandits saw dollar signs when they spotted a passenger vessel off the coast of Yemen. They were headed straight for a good old fashioned hah-jakkin’ when the ginormously huge 30,000-ton luxury cruise ship pulled a not-fast-at-all one, took ‘evasive measures’ and outran their freeboatin’ fannies.
And by ‘evasive measures’ we mean the captain kicked that bad boy into slightly-faster-than-sitting-still gear and gunned it to a light-breeze inducing 27mph!
::: Whooshifica … wait. What?!? :::

Twenty seven miles per hour …

somali_piratesAre these buccaneers rowing toward the booty?
Are they paddling their way to the purloined property?
Are they using a trolling motor for transport?

Twenty seven miles per hour …

The arthritic blind septuagenarian down the street can work his walker faster than that for crying out loud!!!
::: It’s true. I’ve chased him a couple of times in my car. Gramps can go! :::

You know what? This cruise ship deal just doesn’t seem very piratey to me.
Time was, oceangoing terrorism actually meant something!

The number of pirate attacks this year has shot up faster than Amy Winehouse in a Camden crackhouse! The International Maritime Bureau cites more than 90 pirate attacks off East Africa alone.

And when the blundering bucs aren’t being outrun by luxury liners moving at a glacial pace, they do occasionally make it to the hijacking phase (or ‘lightning round’ as it’s called in the biz) where the scores can really change!

That’s when the swarthy swashbucklers take the stolen ships to Somali waters and wait to find out if anyone gives enough of a shit about the vessel and crew to cough up some cool ransom cashola.

So far this year, bilge suckers have raked in an estimated $150 million.

$150 million!!! And still they can’t get a boat capable of outrunning a lumbering sea mass like The Nautica?

I may be just a silly ol’ landlubber, but I’d say it’s time for a management change at the ol’ Marauders Club.

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It’s true: Nothing is sacred I can’t wait for the CSI episode

6 Comments

  • 1. this buddy of mine  |  December 2, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    good post

  • 2. curious  |  December 2, 2008 at 6:22 pm

    i’m reminded of the opening scene from office space where the old man with the walker is moving faster than the highway traffic.

    one way to stop these so called pirates is to require .50 cal machine guns to be mounted on every boat longer than 100′ and anti aircraft guns on everything longer than 250′. i say shoot first and ask questions later. now that would be a fun job.

  • 3. lifeisacookie  |  December 2, 2008 at 6:40 pm

    they have 50 calorie machine guns?!? 😉

  • 4. this buddy of mine  |  December 2, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    yes they do

  • 5. lifeisacookie  |  December 2, 2008 at 7:55 pm

    Sweet!

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