Archive for September, 2008

Déjà Vu?


We must lift Janet Jackson up in prayer today as it seems she has relapsed been admitted to the hospital and must cancel an appearance … again.

Didn’t we just do this a few months ago???

Aaannnyragingdrugproblem, a mouthpiece for JJ says the singer has been hospitalized after falling ill and has canceled her concert in Montreal.

Word is she “got suddenly ill” during her sound check and had to be rushed to the hospital just before show time. And by ‘hospital’ we’re betting that means ‘rehab’. 

Well, either that or she just couldn’t bring herself to wear this absolutely trashtastic piece of awful. Seriously — what in Tweety Bird meets Spacballs hell is going on with that outfit?!?

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September 30, 2008 at 12:36 pm

There is no ‘team’ in Republican


Big Mac may want to suspend any further thought of suspending things in order to fix things he actually has neither the power, the political clout nor the cajones to fix in the first place.

Seems the Macster and her Alaskan Hotness can’t even count on support from their own party on a bill everyone pretty much agreed wasn’t perfect but was necessary.

You know that’s gotta smart … I bet they must feel like the two weird kids who never got picked for dodgeball.
::: someone’s gonna need a hug :::

Speaking at a rally in Columbus, Ohio Monday afternoon — or as I like to call it ‘Signin’ Day’ – the Mavster defended his bullshit political ploy controversial decision to “suspend” his campaign as an example of his leadership style.
“Inaction was not an option,” he said. “I went to Washington last week to make sure the taxpayers of Ohio and across this great country were not left footing the bill. I’ll never be a president who sits on the sidelines when this country faces a crisis. I’ll never do it.”
::: I’ll take the first five words of the last sentence for EVER, Alex … :::

Too bad no one told his Maveric Beefiness what was happening in Washington as he spoke.
::: current events r kewl, y’all :::

Yeah, he might have toned it down a tad had he known that, even after one of the few ‘working Congressional weekends’ in recorded history where actual thought, planning and … well, WORK took place; even amid marathon negotiations and a final, fatal four-hour floor debate — the House of Representatives voted to reject the purported knight-in-shining-armor $700 billion bailout bill meant to help right our blighted financial landscape.

Yup — the bailout bill, which needed 238 votes, came up 13 votes short — 228 to 205.

Seems some of the seventy-five House GOPers who had previously agreed to support the bill backed out at the last minute.
::: flippity floppity foo! :::

On Wall Street, where traders were watching news of the bailout bill’s bustedness, the Dow Jones sank like a ginormous stone of awful in a sea of enormous tumult — closing down 780 point for the day, which makes it the single largest one-day drop in history — which would be, like, EVER!

Way to go Retardlicans!!!

September 29, 2008 at 9:53 pm

Something’s wrong with Sammy Jo


Ava Locklear’s parents have probs.

Mere months after seeking help via rehab for anxiety and depression, Heather Locklear is back on the batty bus.
Someone who said they spotted her driving erratically called the popo who then pulled her over, arrested and booked her on suspicion of driving under the influence of prescription drugs.
::: drugs are bad, mmmkay? :::

I’m sure it’s all just a big misunderstanding. Sammy Jo would never do anything like that!

I bet Heather found a bee in her changepurse and it scared her and so she accidentally threw her car in gear while trying to shoo the bee out the window and when that failed she tried to flee the bee by any means necessareeeee.
::: wheeeee!!! :::

Yup, I bet that’s what it was. At least I hope that’s what it was – for the sake of the child and all.

How much more little Ava can take?

First, her dad (and Heather’s cheatin’ ex), Richie Sambora was arrested on a DUI charge back in March. Ever the family guy — Richie was ridin’ dirty with little Ava pullin’ shotgun.
::: quality family time – Hollywood style :::

Second, her mom checks in to some nuthut in an effort to get her mind right.
::: how’s that workin’ out? :::

Third, her mom decides to get her NASCAR on in a Santa Monica parking lot for all the paparazzi world to see.
::: oh, ok, not workin’ out so good then … :::

Oh well, on a positive note – word is no kids were harmed in the making of Heather’s recent legal run-in.
::: In Hollywood, that makes her mother of the year  :::

Oooo ooo -and also, I heard the downtown Baskin Robbins is giving away pints of Baseball Nut.
mmmmm – ice cream!

So … you know, I think someone who’s initials aren’t Heather Locklear or Richie Sambora should drive wee Ava right down to get some free chills because the kid’s gotta be pretty embarassed by her family today and – well, who isn’t?!? – but the point is you just can’t feel bad when you’re eating ice cream.

Yeeeaaaahhhh …

September 29, 2008 at 1:49 pm 1 comment

Drugs are bad … mmmmkay?


I’ve got a post-debate hangover which means I feel bad that it wasn’t a true blowout one way or the other and when I feel bad I think of other people who I bet feel bad or at least look bad and so I try to find pictures of them to make myself feel better because, well, look at them — they’re fug and famous which means they’re worse off than me because I can be fug in my computer room and no one has to know.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Sucks to be you famous fuggies!
And so, while having my fourth cup of coffee (what?!? that’s normal!!) I came across the poster child of famous fug and so I am turning my Saturday morning into a PSA because, well, I care.
::: actually I don’t have anything else going on for a while — the gym isn’t open yet, but whatever … :::

I give you Amy Winehouse — snapped doing something somewhere in London sometime last week (photo left). I’m sad for her because I remember her just four short years ago when her career began to blow up (photo right).

Seriously, does anyone care about this bitch?
And just how the hell is she still alive?!?

Britney — you takin’ notes, hon?

September 27, 2008 at 1:14 pm 3 comments

McCain temporarily suspends caring about economy


BREAKING NEWS:

John McCain has temporarily decided that the economy doesn’t matter and has, thus, temporarily suspended the temporary suspension of his campaign to participate in tonight’s presidential debate.

But don’t you worry kiddies!
Big Mac promised to reinstate the ‘McCaring About The Economy ’08’ plan and reactivate the temporary suspension of his campaign at exactly one second post debate-gavel put down – at which time, sources confirm, he will fly back to D.C. on a wing and a prayer and get back to work … or dinner … or a nap.

Whatever – the point is that it’s ON!!

Whew – right?

September 26, 2008 at 7:09 pm 7 comments

Mock the vote


Sometimes I think my neighbors believe our electoral process is being watched by a little thing I like to call THE ENTIRE WORLD.
::: Sometimes I also think my neighbors have broccoli hair and are filled with pudding instead of lungs and connective tissue and stuff, but that’s another story … :::

Maybe it is, but if there’s one thing you can say about America it’s that we don’t care about the rest of the world. We ARE the world …
::: wait, we’re not?!? :::

And so, with barely five weeks to go and soooooo many issues in dire need of address (economy, war, economy, energy, economy, terror, economy, drugs, economy …) my neighbors actually think we ought to be knee-deep in thought-provoking discussions and debates on those issues.
::: HAHAHAHAHA — like THAT would ever happen! They’re so cute … :::

I bet they’d just love to sit their puddin’ butts down and listen to O’Baby and His Maverick Beefiness talk about boring things like fixing the economy or reducing our dependence of foreign oil or doing something in the Middle East or putting a chicken in every pot or some other bullshit – but where’s the fun in that, broccoli head!?!

Nowhere – that’s where! Besides, who has the time?

Between terrorist fist jabs and spinning words into chains of gold that rain down from the heavens as sunshiny rays of hopification for the massses – exaclty when would my boyfriend have a free moment for your precious ‘issues’?!?

And Big Mac and The Alaskan Hotness? The May-December Mavericks are the only patriots left in the whole country!! They can’t take time out from saving us from ourselves to pay attention to your crybaby political desires!

If you want to hear a bunch of blah blah about ‘issues’ and junk, I suggest you join the Comedy Central Party — the loudmouthed retarded bastard child of the American political process and the only  place you can get your fill of all the crap the other candidates won’t touch.

CC Party nominees Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart won’t lie to you. Why would they? They don’t even know you! It doesn’t matter to them who you vote for.
Oh hell, for all they care – you can take your vote and shove it!
And, because they don’t care, you know you can trust them. See?
::: Ficticious comedianidates you can believe in! :::

YAY!!!!!
Noooo – I’m just kidding, broccolihead.
::: But not about Colbert and Stewart not caring about you.
They don’t.
Really. :::

I’m kidding about that whole political party thing.
::: kinda like the real candidates! :::
There are no comedianidates running for office.
::: I know, it’s hard to accept … be strong! :::

Sad to say, but the upcoming issue of Entertainment Weekly is probably closest that pair will ever get to the Oval Office.

On the cover, they’re either totally making fun of the moronic, retarded asshatedness that followed the controversial New Yorker Obama cover art back in July … OR … they’re making fun of making fun of the moronic, retarded asshatedness that followed the controversial New Yorker Obama cover art back in July … ORRRR … they really are militant terrorists out to get you!!!! 

HAHAHAHAHA – just kidding, West Virginians!!

Seriously guys, put your guns away!
It’s a spoof, you know? A parody? Made up stuff that’s supposed to be funny????

… mountain people …

September 26, 2008 at 2:54 pm 2 comments

Bailout boondoggle?


So I’m reading a story on the Sun-Sentinel website this morning about how the multi-gozillion dollar bailout won’t do diddly squat for the flagging South Florida housing market because the real fix won’t happen until foreclosures begin to fade away and the inventory of unsold homes begins to shrink.
::: mmmkay – makes sense … :::

”The Bush administration wants to buy the bad debts of banks, restoring public confidence in the financial markets. More mortgages would mean more home sales, and more sales ultimately would stabilize falling prices nationwide,” Paul Owers wrote.
::: Umm hmm, ok – I get that… :::

“The housing meltdown began in 2006 in part because too many people stretched to buy homes they couldn’t afford during the preceding five-year boom. From now on, analysts say, lenders will be more careful and home buyers will have to save for down payments,” Owers wrote.
::: gotcha, uh huh, still with ya … :::

Meanwhile, the housing slump is testing sellers, Owers continued, naming one in particular who has a three-bedroom home west of Boca Raton that’s been on the market for about six months. After two price reductions, the seller is now asking $309,000 and “may go even lower,” he writes.
“I’m getting all emotional about it because it’s so frustrating,” the homeowner said.
::: I feel you! :::

The story names the seller’s Real Estate agent, who said the company’s clients ” … don’t want to give their homes away …”

And you know — I totally get ALL of that. A seller’s gotta make some bank, y’all!!

But $309,000 seems a bit high for the times, no? Ahh, well it is Boca … still, the agent’s comments piqued my curiosity, so I went to their website, looked for homes priced around 300k employing that particular agent and there it was.

really pretty 3-2-2 with a barrel-tile roof, some lush-looking landscaping and a nice-sized kitchen.
::: this is where the HGTV ‘Designed To Sell’ UP arrow would come in :::

But the house was built in 1987, is 1,700 square feet and doesn’t appear to have had any major upgrades (granite? pool? oak?? …) in the two decades since it was built.
::: cue the ‘Designed To Sell’ DOWN arrow :::

Whattup?

– $309,000 – twice reduced.
– Area comps are anywhere from the upper 200s to the mid 400s.
::: Welcome to Boca … :::
– Palm Beach County officials valued the property at a proposed $255, 208 for 2008.
– The Zillow ‘Zestimate’ was a slightly more generous $277, 500.

Nothing seems too out of line – it’s not exactly screaming Code Red.

My mind keeps going back to the picture that ran with the story … it was of the seller standing in a kitchen — a kitchen FILLED with laminate cabinets and countertops …
$309,000 …

 … a laminate-laden kitchen in a proposed $309,000 home — bought for $132,000 in 1997 — according to the Palm Beach County Property Appraiser website’s property records search and Zillow.com.

Wait — 1997?!?
What part of the housing crisis that began five to six years ago is this seller who bought 10 years ago supposed to represent again???

Oh well, whatever — $309,000. For Boca laminate.
I guess that IS the crisis …

I’ll be the absolute first to pump a profit, but come on!
Kitchens and bathrooms sell — but not with outdated appointments.

I’m not picking on this property – or this story. I’m just pointing out what every other potential buyer can easily find and will gladly tell you.

Make the upgrades or be realistic. Sellers don’t have fall in line with or help justify the overpriced comps around them.

Perhaps part of the bailout plan should be a mandate for buyers, sellers and bankers to all get real about the ACTUAL worth of their shit.

When sellers get a goddamned grip and price accordingly we all win.
Otherwise bailout is gonna be just another word for boondoggle.

September 25, 2008 at 7:01 pm 4 comments

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