Archive for May, 2009
My much-anticipated super-duper triple-decker über-ballyhooed way-seriously-overly-compound-modifiered trip to the city so nice they named it twice is mere hours away!!!
Because you brats wreaked total havoc the last time I took a few, I invite you to partake in a little hide-and-seek style scavenger hunt while I get my good time on.
::: oh stop yer whining – it gives your sorry ass something to do while you wait in line at the unemployment office :::
I have employed the most excellent strategerized methodology to scientifically but at random place 10 American flag icons in various, sundry and multitudinous localities throughout this shitass blog.
And the wordwhore who finds the bonus 11th American flag gets an even specialer something.
::: A thousand times super-fabulouser than my freshly packed protective H1N1 face mask!! :::
Reader dropout in 3 … 2 …
This is some sinister shit, yo!
A 46-year-old Pennsylvania whackjob
is in the chokey, charged with trying to kill the fetus of a 17-year-old girl.
But that’s not even the worst part, see, ‘cuz he wasn’t the doer.
Scaryeyes was helping two teenage nitwits get their homicide on by lending a hand as those hos put an abortion–inducing horse, pig and cow hormone in her drink.
::: I bet it tasted like chicken … :::
Police say the girl’s 16-year-old babydaddy and a 17-year-old baka “stole the drug and a syringe from a local farm and added a ‘drop’ ” to a bottle of Gatorade. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb then delivered the deadly drink to the girl, who drank it.
A couple of 60’s later, another acquaintance got all ‘HAHAHAHA – you just drank POISON, bitch!’ – which is when the girl made a beeline for the hospital — which is when the whole ‘evidence > suspects > conspiracy > arrest’ chain of events got going.
Jonathan Imler is charged with attempted criminal homicide, aggravated assault of an unborn child, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person, theft by unlawful taking and corruption of minors.
::: when they get to his motives — 100 bucks says love of young peen’s in there somewhere :::
Don’t freak — authorities also filed juvenile petitions against the moron twins.
And the upside of all of this?
Oh sure sure – the baby was born all normal and shit so yay and awesome and way to go and all … but the REAL upside is that baby killers are hella popular in the pen!
::: It’s the gift that keeps on giving … every night after last check and lights out! :::
Conservative radio sphincter Rush Limbaugh put on his crybaby poo-poohead hat and got all ‘Stop using me!’ with MSNBC this week, accusing the network of unfairly employing his fat ass to gobble up some equally fat ratings.
“Throughout the busy broadcast day, MSNBC cannot go an hour without mentioning me or playing video of me or having me discussed,” This Little Piggy whined.
“I challenge you, MSNBC! Thirty days without anything mentioning me. No video of me, no guests commenting on me. See if you can do it.”
::: Oh please please please wtih sugar on top MSNBC [and NBC and ABC and CBS and CNN and HLN and The Food Network and Comedy Central and — well, EVERYONE!] — do it Do It DOOOO IIIITTTT!!! :::
Limbaugh accused the cable network of trying to “build its ratings on my back” by making him a frequent subject of discussion and portraying him as a leader of the Republican Party.
Keep the boo hoos to yourself, bitch.
You should be happy that’s ALL they built on your back!
I mean, that shit’s so spacious there’s room for more than a couple of football stadiums, a dozen shopping malls and twelve thousand pharmacies — and you’d STILL have room for parking!
::: I joke … but not really. Rush would LOVE having a gozillion trillion million pharmacies within arm’s reach … :::
“Let’s see if you can run your little TV network for 30 days without doing a single story on me, and then let’s take a look your ratings during those 30 days and see what happens,” POrca said. “Because obviously MSNBC thinks they cannot get numbers without focusing on me.”
Umm, all of you out there still clinging to the delusion that years of OxyContin abuse doesn’t make you a giant lardball of illusory asshatedness incapable of seeing the world beyond yourself — consider that bubble BURST!
The same reason networks run stories about floods, famines, earthquakes, fires, hurricanes and all of the other disastrously horrific natural disasters out there, is the same reason they run details about your doughboy ass – as a public fucking service to warn the masses of danger.
‘Kay puddin’ butt?
Now go take your ‘medicine’ like a fat little boy. It’s almost nappy time.
Old and Busted: Subjecting your kids to boring meetings and office gossip during ‘Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day’.
New Hotness: Subjecting your kids to near electrocution during ‘Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day’.
At least that’s how [former] Florida Department of Corrections Sgt. Walter Schmidt saw it when he assembled a group of children visiting their parents at Franklin Correctional Institution, whipped out a handheld stun device, went full retard and gave the wee ones 50,000 volts of ZZZZZZZTTT!
Sergeant Shitferbrainz thought it’d be ok, since he’d asked the parents for permission and all.
“When they said ‘sure,’ I went ahead and did it.”
::: Well … ‘cuz … SURE! :::
The little innocents reportedly yelped in pain, fell to the ground and grabbed red burn marks on their arms.
One was taken to a nearby hospital.
“It wasn’t intended to be malicious, but educational,” Schmidt said. “The big shock came when I got fired.”
::: pun intended??? :::
Oh yes — they canned his ass – amazing but true!
::: well, amazing for Florida … :::
Schmidt was fired for violating established DOC procedure and paving the way for some way cool kidding litigation — but let’s not overlook the ‘colossal dumbass’ factor, either.
1.) Simple math: Snowflake Assembly + Shake N’ Bake = Pink Slippage
2.) Knowing he couldn’t handle simple math … if he was going to full retard, he should have at least given momma’s little preshuss ones the full penal experience.
I mean, why not a cavity search or a night in the tank with Big Louie?
Why not hand them a bar of soap and send them off to the showers or let them spend a couple of ‘educational’ moments blindfolded and strapped into Old Sparky?
Because surely any parent who’d sign off on having their kid’s neural and muscular systems temporarily DIS-FUCKING-ABLED!!!!! would energetically endorse the MEGA-Misery Prison Package!
I did it!
<——- It took me long enough, but I figured out what the frickfrackFUCK that thing IS on Beyoncé’s boo-tay!
::: curtsey :::
IT’S A BACON CINNAMON ROLL!!!
Because, of course!
It’s just so obvious — I can’t believe I didn’t recognize it immediately!
::: Note to self: Boozy times may be adversely affecting cognitive abilities :::
I’m thinking I might have misjudged the Mighty
She may just be the smartest whore in Hollywood!
Not only does she understand the intrinsic value of edible clothing but that bitch wore her wisdom for all the world when she hauled her nasties around in what would have just been a glitterated shit-colored body suit had it not been for that ass-pleasing bacon chaser!
::: PORKILICIOUS!! :::
Now we just need to find out what tasty treats she’s keeping tucked underneath that lace front wig. All that extra glue’s got me thinking one thing: Deep-fried S’mores!
See, on one side, there are these folks (Retardlicans, old white men and general religious whackjobs) who can’t get over the fact that waaaayyyy back in 1973 a bunch of people we call the United States Supreme Court put their heads together (well 7 of the 9, anyway) and decided that it was probably a good idea for women to have the last word on what happens with their vajayjays when it comes to having baybays and so they legalized that shit 20 says to Sunday.
On the other side, there’s this other group of folks (everyone else) who believe the Supremes’ decision was a slammin’ piece of justice.
Joan Bray is in that group.
And this week, during debate on Missouri’s [now passed] ‘compromise’ abortion legislation, the University City Democrat got fired up and unleashed some furious speechification on her Senate brethren, basically calling bullshit on the blatant sexism behind abortion bills year after year and, at one point, lambasting lawmakers who are “pro-life” with their wives and “pro-choice” with their girlfriends.
::: BOO-YA!! Suckit hypocrites! :::
At the time she said it, none of the peens on the Senate floor had the cajones to respond … but 12 hours later Republican Senator Jack Goodman labeled her comments “highly offensive” and “slanderous.”
::: Ooo – way harsh, Jackster! :::
So what, exactly, did she say that was sooooo outrageous?!?
Behold the glory of articulate outrage!
“After multiple years on this issue, I’m sick of it. I’m totally sick of it.
I’m sick of women being treated like they are so stupid that they can’t make their own decisions regarding their reproductive rights and their bodies.
I’m sick of women having no options, and being coerced to give birth.
I’m sick of a bunch of men around here, year after year after year, piling up restriction after restriction after restriction on women who found themselves in a very unhappy, unpleasant circumstance of an unwanted pregnancy.
Missouri has the most restrictive abortion laws in the country and, as a result, Missouri’s women are put in danger when they finally do ever get to have an abortion — they’re later and they’re tougher abortions to have because there are so many barriers to Missouri women getting to have a safe and legal abortion.
I am sick of the disrespect for women who come to the Capitol defending a woman’s legal right to choose an abortion.
I am sick that they’re being treated dismissively and rudely.
I’m sick of the ethic around here that men are pro-life for their wives and pro-choice for their girlfriends.
I’m sick of the failure to take steps that would, in fact, reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies, through sex education, contraception, family planning and emergency contraception.
No man in this body will ever have an unwanted pregnancy.
But, mark my word, your daughters, your wives, your sisters, your granddaughters, your nieces will.
And your actions here tonight will disrespect and diminish them.”
It’s an all-out PAPER TOWEL WAR!!
Seems the folks at Bounty paper towels are 20 kinds of pissed over Brawny’s new look because they believe it’s an intellectual dupe of their ‘bowtie-like embossed’ pattern design.
::: they must not know that whole ‘imitation is the sincerest form of flattery’ bit :::
They’re so bent out of shape that Cincinnati-based Proctor & Gamble Co. — Bounty’s owner — filed a federal lawsuit to stop the alleged copy-cattery allegedly being perpetrated by Atlanta-based Georgia-Pacific LLC — Brawny’s owner.
::: ludicrously litigatory :::
“We will rigorously defend our intellectual property rights, which in this case involves infringements to our Bounty trademark and trade dress,” some P&G spokesbitch blah blah’d in an email to reporters.
“We believe the claims are entirely meritless, and we plan to defend the lawsuit vigorously,” Georgia-Pacific blah blah’d back.
All relevant blah blah aside?
The real crime here isn’t the pattern.
It’s the lumberjack!
My untidies can only be treated by the thirstiest of towels – and that ain’t the jack, ‘kay?
Which is why I quit that bitch years ago for the cottony comfort of Viva.
I mean, helllooo?!?
Look at his veneers! His high cheekbones!! His perfect hair and plush lips!!!
He’s either the missing Village Person or I’m the Queen of England!
This guy is all jazz-hands and showmanship.
Corporate even gave that slut a makeover complete with a smokin’ hot new set of guns and a tighter ’70s shag ‘n stache. But all that glam + 1,000 plaid shirts and manly poses can’t hide it.
He’s just not strong enough to be my man.
I’m sorry, but it is what it is. And don’t front like you don’t know what I’m saying.
You see it.
You know you do.
If that cutter isn’t keeping a pair of assless chaps hanging next to a whip and a feather boa on the back of his bathroom door then I need to go wrangle the corgis for their afternoon walk!
Ya — the bother with your branding ain’t the ‘pattern’ boys … but good luck with that lawsuit and all.
[Ed Note: My chaps are on a hanger and my whip is under the bed … I’m hella fun — but I’m nobody’s mascot either.]