Archive for February, 2008

When Politicians Attack


John McCain Barack Obama fight in the press over the war in IraqThe sex-machine hatemongering foreigner and ‘mathematical’ frontrunner for the GOP nomination is one old but feisty sonofabitch!

Big Mac gave Barry a verbal beatdown over the most trod-upon of topics in a clear effort to avoid talking about the economy which is definitly on the verge of collapse but that’s Bush’s problem at least in the short-term so why talk about it Iraq. “This is about decisions that a president will have to make about the future in Iraq. And a decision to unilaterally withdraw from Iraq will lead to chaos,” McCain said, in obvious response to Obama saying that HE intended to withdraw American forces as quickly as possible, and that he reserved the right to send troops back if Al Qaeda were forming a base in Iraq. (Daring, Visionary, Never gonna happen, fathead)

“Al Qaeda is there now,” Big Mac said — in a blatant attempt to highlight, underscore and put a big ol’ spotlight on the junior Senator’s inexperience in global politics. And, well, he got you on the one, dog …

Obama – AKA ‘The People’s Prince” – was NOT havin’ any of that shit!

Using his blinding smile and hypnotic gaze, Barry tried to turn the tables on the cagey political fossil septuagenarian. “I’ve been paying attention, John McCain,” Barry shouted, fist clenched in mock rage. ” … John McCain may like to say he wants to follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of hell, but so far all he’s done is follow George Bush into a misguided war in Iraq that’s cost us thousands of lives and billions of dollars.”

Oooooo, snap! The nasty (yet surprisingly virile) old white guy and the smooth, suave (and expectedly virile) young black guy are doing the verbal equivalent of the old shoulder bump from high school! I love it — fight! FIGHT!

You think you know who has the advantage — I can tell you do. After all — this IS America and no one gets the upper hand on whitey! Except that Obama uses mind-control, trickery and illusion to make you forget everything except the he’s young and he is hopeful about America. (I feel calm and happy just writing those words … young … hopeful … I see puppies and rainbows in a bucolic setting … drifting, driftinggggg …)

Oh, sorry — where was I? Oh yeah … Experience, shmexperience! This is a popularity contest people and Barry has won the charisma round and he’s won the PILF round, which everyone knows clearly negates the experience round. Is this your first election?!? GAWD!

Big Mac doesn’t stand a chance! His dentures simply do not reflect light into promising little rays of sunshine like Barry’s natural-tooth smile … Plus — Barry can kick his verbal ASS!

Oh yes, it’s on, kiddies … but, umm … where’s Hillary?

February 28, 2008 at 10:17 pm

The Weekly Prediction


Crystal Ball predicts prison for Roger Clemens

Today we debut a new, hopefully weekly –  more likely whenever-I-think-about-it feature we will call The Weekly Prediction (clever, no? I really dug deep to come up with that one). I’ve chosen today, February 27 for no particular reason at all other than nothing else is jazzing me today so here goes!

This week’s prediction: Roger Clemens (or soon-to-be Inmate 98233647 as I like to call him) will soon know what it’s like to have roll over, bitch commanded of him sweet nothings whispered to him after the prison guard finishes his lights out routine on the Rocket’s first day in the pen (which is NOT short for bullpen, wink wink – but you know his nickname will get him a LOT of attention — and shower buddies YAY!).

I predict it. It is so.

February 27, 2008 at 9:54 pm 1 comment

DID YOU HEAR DID YOU HEAR DID YOU HEAR


Coffee starbucks is closingWhat?!? OMG, this is so totally fabulous I just cannot STAND myself right now! I mean, I’m TOTALLY READY for Starbucks to close for their employees to do drugs employee training or whatever it is that they’re doing in there behind closed doors (MAJOR drugs) at ALL of their locations today, but yeah, I’m ready!!  I mean, you know, I have a headache right now and my ears are ringing but that’s ok because I’m ready!!! I started free-basing coffee this morning around 5 in preparation for the scant few hours the evil brew-tators at Starbucks are going to FORCE me to not have any because they are selfishly shutting down to do something really sinister and sneaky like “employee training” which anyone who drinks it black knows is code for cocaine (Joe — Joey … come ON people!!!)!!!! But you know, whatever right?!? I mean I’m fine, goddammit!! I’ve had some capps and some fraps and then I had some double lattes and some more capps and it’s all good right now!!!!! I mean, I have to pee and all and my head hurts … Wha … WHO SAID THAT?!? ACK — what was I saying before tha … oh yeah, I am READY for those evil coffee fuckers to close up shop this evening (you guys better PROMISE me it’s only for a little while though!!!!!) Oh yeah, I’m even excited about it! Yuh huh …  Really!!!!!!! I mean, my heart is beating SO FAST right now you wouldn’t believe it. It’s really cool!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

… is your room spinning too?

February 26, 2008 at 4:55 pm

‘Bonita’ Bacon Bringer


It’s been a harrowing several hours since we resumed the hunt for my favorite not-yet-bacon bits, who have had quite the adventure, let me tell you!

As you know, the most recent abduction happened in broad daylight from the hallowed (but obviously security-lite) halls of St. Mary’s hospital. Reports of a red Kia driven by a pulchritudinous yet adroit young woman came in from all corners of the room globe. I say ‘young woman’ because CP keeps repeating “muchacha bonita con pelo oscuro, muchacha bonita con pelo oscuro.” — and my hair is not what anyone would consider dark.

Seems ‘bonita’ took the little ham hocks from the hospital directly to the airport where they boarded a flight for the Virgin Islands. Photos of Pinky driving the getaway car in the HOV lane of I-95 and Chillpig parasailing in the VI quickly surfaced on the cover of OK! magazine.

Chillpig parasailing in the Virgin IslandsThe feds were backing off, search party members were seen (ACK) NOT. SEARCHING and, possibly worst of all – Ralph Nader entered the U.S. Presidential Race, which has nothing whatsoever to do with this situation but the event itself is clearly a sign of the apocalypse!

Things were beginning to smell fishy! This was looking less and less like an abduction and more and more like some sicko, twisted love triangle! I was expecting to hear from Jerry Springer any minute now wanting to talk to ‘The Piggy Mamma’ and that just icks me out!

La Bonita (as the world would soon come to know her) was now treating my divine swine like royalty. They had gone from death threats (I remember the near drowning and hanging attempts — doesn’t anyone else?!?) to acts of fun and frolic. Pinky drives the getaway carThey were, in fact, VACATIONING while the rest of the world sat on pins and needles awaiting news of their recovery.

The world worries and they party.

Pigs! (oh wait, I guess that’s not really an insult here … dang)

There could only be one conclusion: This had to be a case of Stockholm Syndrome!

This she-devil had successfully turned my porcine pets into her diabolical little devotees. they do, it seems, miss her. What IS the source of her power!?!

Even now, back in their native environs, they continue to talk about “muchacha bonita con pelo oscuro” … and what am I left to do?

What indeed! I just don’t know yet … but all of these pork references are making me hungry … heeeyyyy Chillpig!

February 25, 2008 at 9:41 pm 2 comments

And it’s on like Donkey Kong!


Chillpig drowning in glass of water Not that I really know what it actually means to be ‘on like Donkey Kong’ but it rhymes and sounds just a bit intimidating, so I think it works.

Oh yes — I’m bringin’ it like that straight outta the gate! You know who you are and I’m closin’ in — there’s a storm comin’ and it’s comin’ for YOU!

You see, just as the ink was drying on Chillpig’s release papers from St. Mary’s following the horrific kidnapping that had held the nation captive last week, his tormentor struck again! Waiting in line at the hospital cafeteria for my $4.50 cup of day-old, luke warm Joe – I spied a red Kia flying over speedbumps and dodging wheelchairs on its way out of the parking lot. Naturally I assumed it was a disgruntled patient trying to ditch an outrageous hospital bill.  

Naturally, I was wrong. Just then the hospital’s public address system sputtered a static-y all-points alert for someone dressed as a “doctor” carrying two very round and pink “objects” while running toward the parking lot.  “CURSES, YOU KIA-DRIVING ABDUCTOR,” I shouted to the cafeteria cook heavens.

Inside that Kia was Chillpig! Beside Chillpig was Pinky – Chill’s adopted son and sometime companion (what? They’re Southern – didn’t you see Deliverance?).
Pink gets hung
By the time the authorities realized the kidnapper (or was there more than one? So many unknowns!!) had struck again, the Kia (which I now know stands for Kidnappers’ Inside Assault) had a solid 45-minute lead, during which time these ransom photos began trickling in … A drowning! A hanging!
This aggression would not stand – this I vowed with bitten lip and clenched fist. I felt like the ugly big sister in Poltergeist shouting ‘What’s happening?!?” while standing in the rain at the end of my driveway while my house disintegrated in front of me.

These people could not leave Chilpig be — and now they’d put Pinky in harm’s way as well. To what end? What did they want?? Where could they be?!?

(Can’t you can tell just how serious the situation by the overuse of double question marks and exclamation points!?!?!!!??!?) 

stay tuned…

February 25, 2008 at 12:57 am 1 comment

Best. Diet. EVER!


Food hamburgers french fries fast food donuts eat   

You’re a fatass. So what. Who cares? Not me! 

The junk in your trunk’s got you in a funk that’s so definitely not crunk … whatever that means! Who cares? Not me! 

Why don’t I care? Because I know an inside secret (shhhh — it’s a secret you’re supposed to be too numb to realize this or remember you’ve heard it …) 

The U.S. Government is here to help us all get skinny-ized!That’s right!Who needs the South Beach Diet or Atkins or Weight Watchers or The Piggy Pilates Program or whatever restriction-is-fun diet is in this week? Not me! Why? Because 2008 is the year we get thin!

 Food whores of the world — UNITE!  See, according to Reuters, it’s going to cost so much just to buy food this year that Americans like me (the working poor) may just get lucky enough to end up like those  ahead-of-their-time dirt-eating Haitians who can’t afford food either! Woo hoo — help is on the way! 

Just when you think you can’t control your craving for that Double Whopper with Cheese — you realize it’s going to cost $54.95 and you only have a ten spot … whew, right because it would have taken ALL of next week to work off those 3,009,570 calories and, you know, we had a long week and all … 

I feel lighter already … Thanks Uncle Sam! 

 XXXOOO

February 22, 2008 at 11:58 pm 2 comments

John McCain is a sexy bitch


John McCain, Republican, GOP Presidential CandidateWell, actually he’s a really, really (really) old guy — but he’s been bringing the hotness – at least according to the New York Times, who endorsed him not that long ago but now calls the very character they hailed into question with allegations he fucked had a somewhat inappropriate relationship with a female lobbyist.

Which begs the question — who the hell really cares about this shit? Seriously.

I really don’t care if he got his freak on with a lobbyist or a librarian or a llama (well, ok, I might care about the llama ..). I mean, his marriage to the very plastic lovely Cindy McCain is the product of an affair, so it’s not like either of them are new to the idea of a little extracurricular voe-dee-oh-doh, if you know what I mean …

Get in there Big Mac and tap it, slap it and drop it like it’s hot! Go for it — you have my blessing. You KNOW Barry and Michelle are doin’ it …

I neither need nor do I want my president to be my priest. I don’t want him to be the Pope or even an alter boy (whom I hear are pretty popular with Republicans …). The president is not my moral compass. Never has been. My president needs to be smart, clear-headed and diplomatic. The anti-Bush, if you will.

So go ahead and work out the kinks guys (and gal — I’m not counting you out, Hills!). Get your freak on frequently to keep the other pipes clean and the mind free, ‘kay?

Politicians be so nasty! ;O

February 21, 2008 at 4:31 pm 7 comments

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