Archive for March, 2008

Ciao Homeless People!

Baltimore's Little Italy Neighborhood

Deep in the heart of Baltimore’s Little Italy stands Velleggia’s restaurant, where you can get Minestrone or Chicken Parmigiana or Saltimbocca – all with a heaping side order of hateration for the homeless — and all before dessert! Yay!!!!

Homeless person on a bench, Baltimore hates the homelessSee, there are all these homeless people clustering around fires and living in tent cities all over the place or something like that and the city has a plan to help them. Enter average Joe Taxpayer who is all for tax deductions doing good deeds and helping the homeless and whatnot as long as it he doesn’t have to do it or see it in his commewwwniteee — ‘cuz if he does that’s not going to work for him, you see … and a bunch of JTs got together in the basement of Velleggia’s recently to bitch about it to lawmakers make their case known.

It must really suck to be just finding out now that the homeless walk amongst you, oh Baltimorians! Amazing that you were never slapped in the face with that reality of life before.

So here’s the breakdown in three easy steps:

1.) There are these fucking bum loser druggie sex addicts people out there who presently find themselves with no apartment, abandoned car or bridge underpass to call home sweet home and they need some walls (and heat – B-more be freezin’ in the winter, y’all!)

2.) The wannabe do-gooder trying to get re-elected mayor and some other people have a plan to help ‘solve the homeless problem’ which includes moving some shelters to temporary locations while the construction (and funding, hahaha) for the permanent locations are being finalized.

3.) Which brings us to the fearmongering, small-minded, self-absorbed people of Crabtown’s Little Italy – who brought the HELL NAW and told the city to shove it with that nasty mess give the boot to the 275 people who would live for (only) about 3 months in empty city-owned building in the Albemarle Square Community.

Live? Amongst? Us? NIMBY NIMBY NIMBY, biatches!!!!

The Albemarle Square Community is an experimental mixed-use community where doctors, lawyers, middle and lower-income families all hang their hats in a contrived version of urban utopia that, well, doesn’t frikkin’ exist. That being said, this might be a good time to let the folks presently living there know that one of the biggest contributors to homelessness, according to the liberal pinko commie National Law Center on Homelessness and Poverty is the lack of affordable housing – and in this day and age of mortgage meltdowns – the ‘homeless’ could be any of us at any time.

It might also be worth noting to these B-towners that, as late as 2004, it was known that children under the age of 18 account for some 39% or more of homeless (which you can bet your ass is higher now, Hometown!) and 42% of THEM were under the age of 5.

But we know how hardcore those little preschooler bastard thugs can be when they’re all spazzed out ‘cuz they can’t get their Color Me Crack-Addicted Elmo fix. We feel you Charm City!!!

March 31, 2008 at 3:56 pm 5 comments

Talk about your missed opportunity!

herve villechaize fantasy island the plane the planeAnd just when they could have used his special talent, too … 

Sources: CNN, Daily Mail

March 30, 2008 at 8:52 pm

When did THIS happen?

Katie Holmes is looking more and more like Diane Keaton

Katie Holmes is looking more and more like Diane Keaton every time I see her!

Now, don’t get me wrong — I LOVE me some Diane Keaton! Chica is SOOPAH-FLY and can do no wrong in my book, but chica is also 62-years-old and Tom’s beard is a mere 29. There is no alternate universe ANYWHERE where it’s cool to look twice unless you’re wearing a ton of makeup for a movie role which will win you an Oscar or something (and let’s face it, Katie’s career is … umm, well … you get my drift here).

Perhaps it’s just that Diane is looking younger? Yes, that must be it. She’s cool like that.

March 28, 2008 at 6:17 pm 1 comment

Where it’s at

Old and busted:  Long-drawn out court cases to keep your sorry ass out of the clink. Membah OJ, J-Ho and P Diddy, Phil Spector, Anthony Pellicano and other whiney babies who couldn’t handle the prospect of the pen.

Martha Stewart Mug ShotNew Hotness: Embracing your inner convict! The benefits are obvious — you get instant street cred, a whole shitload of free publicity and space on the major newscasts, radio shows and newspapers. It’s win-win all the way!

Shout outs to T.I, L’il Kim, Martha Steward, Kiefer Sutherland for keepin’ it REAL!

Note to Shia LaBeouf: If you want people to stop thinking of you as that retarded kid from Holes and see you as a ‘mayun’ — cut it with the petty crimes. Buy a gun and rob a liquor store already, pussy!

March 28, 2008 at 3:07 pm

Truth In Advertising

The Indoor Tanning Association sez:

Tanning bed
Does Not Equal
wrinkly woman too much sun exposure

And they’ve launched an all-out attack on the so-called ‘junk science’ of dermatology with a bold new ad campaign rooted right there in fantasyland where prolonged explosure to UV rays doesn’t turn your skin to beef jerky or bug out your squamous cells or any old unpleasant thing like that! No it doesn’t!!!!

Bake away kiddies — it’s good for you!

Industry propaganda is always a bunch of lies never wrong. Remember when the ciggy makers used actors posing as doctors to promote the health benefits of their product? And we KNOW the truth of that campaign has stood the test of time …

Smoking ads used doctors to espouse the health benefits of cigarettes

March 27, 2008 at 4:40 pm 2 comments


LA Times gets punk'dOh snap! The Los Angeles Times got punk’d up the arse by a con man really good at forging documents but not so good with a little thing we like to call ‘reality’.

Pulitzer-prize winning (soon-to-be former?) LA Times reporter Chuck Philips and his supervisor, Deputy Managing Editor Marc Duvoisin, issued statements of apology Wednesday afternoon. (Philips, by the by, got his 1999 Pulitzer for stories detailing (real, actually verifiable) corruption in the entertainment industry.)

“In relying on documents that I now believe were fake, I failed to do my job,” Philips said in a statement Wednesday that was published on the LA Times website.

It’s unfortunate that the Times was duped by fake docs, but what’s just downright pathetic is that it took The Smoking Gun along with people actually mentioned in the story to get the Times to (way the hell after the fact) do some fact checking.

Those people, by the way are now are using words like ‘defamamation’ and ‘malice’ which are just similes for ‘big, fat, expensive lawsuit’.

The P in P Diddy may soon stand for Publisher …

March 27, 2008 at 1:00 pm

Bad government employee pardons bad government employee

US Mail Carrier Postal ServiceAlways with an eye toward addressing the most pressing issues facing our great nation, George W. Bush spent yesterday not pondering the atrocities of 4,000 US dead in Iraq; not meeting with Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke to talk about how to get a pulse out of the tanking economy; not fretting his l’il ol’ head about the gigantic collapsing Antarctic ice shelf …

No, no. The prez was far too busy to worry about all that mess ‘cuz there was another mess — a mess of pardonin’ that needed git’n dun! YEEHAW!!!

And topping the list of worthy pardonees was a former US mail carrier convicted of disrupting the US mail service 50 years ago. Big stuff there!

George Francis Bauckham was a 19-year-old USPS newbie back in the day when a bunch of improperly addressed Christmas cards freaked his shit so bad that he stuffed them in a box and left the lot of them for Santa’s elves to handle.

Turns out the gubmint frowns on that kind of lazy-assness and prosecuted Bauckham’s butt, which resulted in a felony conviction that haunted him until the magical day of March 25, 2008 when our president another shitty government employee said ‘hey dude — been there, done that. S’cool. Now go play’.

And just like that, your Christmas card to grandma and little Timmy’s letter to Santa lose all past, present and future importance. It’s like they were never eaten by silverfish at all! Woo hoo — score one for lazy letter carriers!

A proud, proud day for Uhmurrikuh!

March 26, 2008 at 1:25 pm 5 comments

Older Posts

Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.

%d bloggers like this: