Archive for August, 2008

We have thoughts on policy, too …


Looks like Big Mac listened to the advice we doled out back in JuneAWESOME!
::: wish he’d take our advice about those Chiclets tho ..  :::

So, when do the nude corn wrestling tickets go on sale?

August 29, 2008 at 8:16 pm

Do NOT prey on the peen


Flaccid men everywhere – REJOICE!

The founder of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, which makes the male enhancement drug Enzyte, was sentenced to 25 years in prison by a federal judge in Cincinnati.
::: Bob’s not smiling so much now … :::

The judge ruled that Steve Warshak,
soon to have this view —–>
convicted on charges including fraud and money laundering, must begin serving his 25-year sentence within 30 days.
::: fresh meat on the way, fellas – meet Steve Shawshank! :::

“This case is about greed,” the judge said.
::: NO SHIT! :::
“His family and the people who work for him are also victims of his greed.”
::: eh, I kinda gotta think they sorta kinda liked the money tho … :::

SHOCKING REVELATION:
A federal jury found that Warshak, his company and several other defendants were guilty of victimizing thousands of their customers by misrepresenting their products.
::: you mean wheat grass and dirt doesn’t make a teeny peeny perk right the fuck up!?!:::

In addition to the prison sentence, the judge ordered the defendants to pay more than $500 million to the victims of their scheme.

Hey judge – does that ‘victim’ category include their horny, dissatisfied partners as well?

August 29, 2008 at 10:31 am 1 comment

Sex me, Genie!


I may fight like a girl but, according to the Bookblog’s Gender Genie, I write like one butch bitch, y’all!

Instead of rubbing a magic lamp, this genie uses a sort of dumbed-down version of some boring, long-ass algorithm (developed by Moshe Koppel, Bar-Ilan University in Israel, and Shlomo Argamon, Illinois Institute of Technology, blah blah blah) to predict the gender of an author of a blog entry or works of fiction or nonfiction.
::: Scientifical!! :::

The caveat is that the Genie’s ‘best guesses’ come from text submissions of 500 words or more.
::: that must be whenthe X and Y chromosomes come out to play :::

The genie thought Jason Beghe Deathwatch was written by some kind of tranny or something. At 427 words, it was almost too close to call:

Female Score: 533

Male Score: 520

=

BITCH!

But Ciao Homeless People! – at a gender-bending 508 words – skewed male!

Female Score: 620

Male Score: 737

=

BUTCH!

The genie sees gyna whenever I talk about my boyrfriend but thinks I’m bringin’ the peen about half the time I dish on Big Mac‘s Maverick Beefiness. What’s the dilly, yo?!?

Am I living writing a lie? Am I trapped halfway inside the virtual closet? Why is ‘with’ feminine while ‘what’ is masculine? And where does the genie stand on blogrish terms like peen, blabby or muddaskunt?

Inquring minds wanna know!

… and just in case you were wondering:
The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!

::: I gotta go spit and adjust myself in public now :::

August 28, 2008 at 2:16 pm 3 comments

High Fashion


Behold the delicious nugget of sophisticated elegance that is human mattress Tara Reid:

Tara is taking time off from her regular gig as covergirl for Cocktail Quarterly and Tequila Times to chase her real passion: freebasing fashion design.

No shit — you read that right.
Tara Reid is launching a clothing line.

Not content being the only street red carpet walker who thinks double-sided tape is soooo last year, Tara and her wonky chi chis debuted ‘Mantra‘ – a collection of swimsuits and casual wear – in Las Vegas this week.
::: TARA GOT A JOB! TARA GOT A JOB!!!:::

The list of descriptive terms one could use for Tipsy and her croutons is long and varied, but one thing she can’t be called is out of touch.
::: comatose, yes.  out of touch, no :::

Rummy employed a crack team of marketing ninjas to work day and night in an effort to identify her target demographic.

They hit paydirt one afternoon at TGI Fridays when they – literally – stumbled upon the 17 haggard, stretchmarked skanks who don’t snicker like high school sophomores when her name is used in the same sentence with words like ‘Star’, ‘Actress’, ‘Successful’ or ‘Sober’.

And then – faster than you can say acute alcohol poisoning –
* BAM *
Mobile home chic has a brand-new face!

“It’s about putting into the universe what you want in life: Red means love, pink is friendship, green is lucky, black is protection.”
::: red, pink, green and black – I have a bruise that looks JUST like that! :::

But I get it though … white means purity, so we know that color was a no go. And I guess there’s no room for the international color of jaundice: yellow.
::: bummer :::

But it’s all good, ‘cuz Toasty and her no-no hole, like, totally promise  these duds will rock your whirl!

“You’re gonna need an alibi have a story when you wear this bikini or when you put this dress on. You’ll either get love or meet a new friend or you might meet a guy.”

And, by that she means her fashions are tear-away and edible so that nothing  can stand in the way of you and your future STD.

Wet wipe?

August 27, 2008 at 4:42 pm

Family Values


Oh man, why didn’t we know about this before the school year started – it would have solved EVERYTHING!

Children of the Cornhusker State must be some kind of hellish other-worldly breed of trouble because officials there got together and passed a law that totally bypasses the ‘rents and helps the rest of us break free of the burden of brattiness.
::: Thank you Nebraska geniuses!! :::

The law, which took effect on July 18, says: “No person shall be prosecuted for any crime based solely upon the act of leaving a child in the custody of an employee on duty at a hospital licensed by the state of Nebraska.”

So babbling babies and crying crumbsnatchers (up to the utterly amazing age of 19) can LEGALLY be abandoned without their parents’ consent or knowledge!
::: it’s not ‘abandoning’ if they’re little assholes though, right? :::

Suck it, brats – MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

No more makeshift cul de sac skateboard park!
::: this ain’t the X games, kiddo! :::
No more acned pubescents coppin’ sidewalk squats!!
::: get some Proactiv, Paulita! :::
No more high school dropouts selling fake magazine subscriptions!!!
::: I’m not supporting your dope habit ANYMORE if you won’t share, you little shit! :::

Twisted sisters unite!
WE don’t hafta take it!
::: YAY Nebraska! :::

This is such good news because, as Labor Day weekend approaches and the neighbors’ kids get out of control school – WE now have options!

When the squealing and screaming become too much to bear, break out the slipknot, strap their whiny heinies to the luggage rack and head to the (mid)West!

Twenty.
Shades.
of AWESOME!

August 26, 2008 at 3:00 pm 1 comment

Older Posts



Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: