Archive for May, 2009

It’s hard out there for a ho!


Not content with publicly buttfucking common sense in the ear every chance she gets, Sarah Palin has found another foe, y’all!!

THE INTERWEBS!

At her behest (and using her letterhead) The Alaska state attorney general’s office sent www.crackho.com management a misspelled cease and desist order for – they say – hijacking their beautimously fabulous state seal.
::: HO TREACHERY!!! :::

“It has come to our attention that the website www.crackho.com has hijacked a State of Alaska webpage,” the letter warns Shoe Latif.
“Featured on this webpage is the official seal of the State of Alaska. Alaska law prohibits the use of  the official seal of the State of Alaska without permission.”
::: Sooooo Mavericky! :::

Now, I’m no scholar or anything — but all that ‘prohibition’ must mean that sites like vector-images.com, oldfordroad.wordpress.com,  www.anyflag.com and any of the other gozillion websites displaying or linking to the glorious symbol have written permission to do so.

Well sure!
‘Cuz they have to!!
IT’S THE LAW!!!

poutypalinEh … well, either that or nobody gives a flying fuck because they don’t have “crackho” as part of their domain name.
::: DING DING DING!!!!!! We have a winner!!! :::

Too bad it’s all moot now that Shoe shat herself a couple of brickety bricks, took down her site and put up a sad (and seriously unnecessary, girlfriend!! We should totally talk!!) mea culpa smothered in jibes, covered in digs with a smattering of hee hees aimed at the Alaskan Notness and her Supreme Idiocy.

Shoe, frealz hon? That trick isn’t worth the HTML effort it took you to href her bitch ass in the first place. No lie! M’kay snookums?
Just don’t go and do anything more severe to your site … unless, of course, you wanna sell the Cookie that sweet sweet domain name, of course!

SOURCE
SOURCE

May 13, 2009 at 3:58 pm 2 comments

No pay no stay


It’s just all-out hostility against the hobos and the poors these days!

Even after getting serious stimulus money, states are still cutting jobs, bull-dozing benefits and — as of this month — one city (NYC) will begin charging rent to working families staying in public homeless shelters.
::: What’s next?!? Tipping the breadline soup scooper??? :::

This latest societal bitchslap to the bereft is made possible by a 1997 state law allowing shelter managers to force flat-broke fams to fork over a portion of their income, depending on the shelter and family size.

For some of the strapped, this could mean handing over up to half their earnings.

PHILANTHROPY
FAIL!!!
(for serious!!!!)

How is a family supposed to save enough to get out of the shelter when they’re coughing up more than 50% of their take-home cash to the shelter?

Huh?
HUH, MR. GUY IN CHARGE?!?
::: rhetorical question, Bub — no one believes you care … :::

“I think it’s hard to argue that families that can contribute to their shelter cost shouldn’t,” commented one callous commish. “I don’t see this playing out in an adverse way.”

Really?
You sure about that??

Because I’m thinking that a state that eagerly earmarks

  • $2,500 for the Doll and Toy Museum of New York City
  • $2,500 for the Brooklyn Cricket League
  • $6,000 for the Harlem Honeys and Bears senior citizen swim team
  • $6,500 for the Utica Curling Club
  • $10,500 for the American Association for the Improvement of Boxing
    and
  • $15,000 for the Urban Yoga Foundation
    – would probably enjoy some pretty sweet PR if it found a way to pinch off a few pennies for the penniless, right?
  • Right?!?

     I hope so, ‘cuz you gotta know it would take a ginormous truckload of NOTHIN’ for me to instigate an uprising of the impovrished when I visit New York in two weeks!

    SOURCE
    SOURCE

    May 12, 2009 at 3:51 pm 6 comments

    War on welfare?


    Pennsylvania lawmakers are considering a bill that would stick a big ol’ brick wall of “NEGATORY WINOS!” between welfare recipients and their state-funded boozy times.

    This is so wrong!

    In this The Great Depression 2.0 ™ – the ONE thing the hopeless and downtrodden can cling to … the ONE thing they truly gotta have – is their hooch!!!

    Seriously! 
    A tummy full of Tequila or Tangueray smoothes the harsh edges of a chilly winter’s night alfresco like nobody’s business!

    But just try telling that to State Rep. Dave Reed, R[eally MEAN]-Indiana, and you’ll get a steaming cuppa ‘screw you, deadbeat’!

    reedReed submitted his ‘No Booze for  Beggars’ bill after discovering it was actually, like, legal and shit for the poors to buy their Boone’s using taxpayer-backed benefit cards, which look and can be used much like a common credit card.

    “I had no idea at the time that such a loophole existed,” he shouted to the little people from high atop his ivory tower.
    ::: Get ready for a MAJOR huffy when he finds out what they do at the needle exchange!! :::

    Reed’s bitter pill of a bill would bar Pennsylvania’s 619 state liquor stores and private beer distributors from accepting the Department of Public Welfare’s electronic benefit cards from the approximately 2 million Keystone Staters who get cash assistance, food stamps or medical aid of some kind.

    And I know all of the assholes out there hatin’ on the homeless and dusgusted by the destitute are ALL FOR this shit!

    ‘Cuz it sounds good; it feels right – right?

    Yeah … too bad it won’t work.

    Oh shuddit!
    It won’t.

    Because — aside from the fact that Scaggy Maggie will flat out cut a bitch for blockin’ her Bud — Reed forgot that little bit about the bennie badges behaving like credit cards.

    So who’s to stop the vagabond horde from gettin’ their ATM on?
    That’s riiiight hobo haters … a steaming cuppa ‘No one’ – that’s who!

    Ahhhh government!
    Oh well — better luck with the druggies, Dave!

    SOURCE

    May 11, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    Mum’s the word


    If you haven’t yet seen this – allow me to invite you to crawl out from the cave of inexcusably unaware and partake of something truly refreshing.

    HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, BITCHES!

    (you earned it!) 

    May 9, 2009 at 6:54 pm 5 comments

    Change SHMANGE – RAAAAA!!!!!!!


    The Evil Overlord hath spoken!

    COWER PLEBIANS!!!

    dcheney“Most Republicans have a pretty good idea of values …”

    HAHAHAHA ok ok ok, nevermind!
    I didn’t know he was makin’ funnies!

    “[They] aren’t eager to have someone come along and say, ‘Well, the only way you can win is if you start to act more like a Democrat.’ ”
    ::: troof hurts! :::

    During an interview with some radio yahoo from North Dakota, former Veep and renown world destroyer Dick Cheney explained his theory as to why the Republican party is basically eating itself from the inside out like the grotesque form of necrotizing political fasciitis it is.

    “This is about fundamental beliefs and values and ideas … what the role of dinodickgovernment should be in our society, and our commitment to the Constitution and constitutional principles.”
    ::: Oh lawd — is he saying they still don’t know?!? Well, the first step IS admitting you have a problem … :::

    “You know, when you add all those things up, the idea that we ought to moderate basically means we ought to fundamentally change our philosophy. I for one am not prepared to do that, and I think most of us aren’t.”

    Spoken like a true dinosaur …

    SOURCE

    May 8, 2009 at 2:47 pm 4 comments

    Oh Good God!


    STOP IT PEOPLE!
    STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!

    These ‘sightings’ have gotten out of hand and it’s time for me to lay my infinite wisdom upon you – so sit back and get ready for the knowledge, bitches!

    For the record:
    You can believe in yourself.
    You can believe in a higher power!
    You can even believe in something you can’t see, feel, touch, taste, smell or quantify in any way whatsoever using words, symbols or rudimentary hand gestures!!

    But for the love of all that is good, holy and not hindered by a fantascially phenomenal mind-altering chemical experience – stop trying to convince yourselves, your kids, your pets or me that you’ve found some kind of shitty substitute for salvation in your salamiat the local car dealership or on your kitchen floor!

    You didn’t – and if I sound just a slight shade of pissed it’s because the latest religiously retarded spiritual sighting comes courtesy of someone who seriously ought to fucking know better … someone professionally trained to turn a cynical eye on just this type of false-idol fuckery – A JOURNALIST!

    vmary1Jonathan Tilove says he found none other than the original hot slut herself – the Virgin Mary 
    ——————————->
    in his Washington DC office this week.
    ::: At least the bitch is working, right? :::

    “I went back to the [Cox news] office to pack the rest of my boxes and clean out my cubicle. And there it was, on my desk, a coffee stain in the image of the Virgin Mary. I was a little surprised. Why me? I’m Jewish.”
    ::: Helllooooo! Does the phrase ‘the chosen ones’ ring any bells?!? :::

    Tilove detailed several theories explaining why his Lord and Maker might give him this special gift — including the fact that his lazy ass “provided the medium for the appearance of the coffee-stain Madonna by allowing the remains of a cup of coffee to slowly leak out of a paper cup and then only casually blotting up the spill with an old notebook.”

    Well sure!
    Because the All Powerful frequently rewards carelessness and sloth with significantly sacrosanct sightings.
    Happens all the time!

    NOT!

    Know what I see when I look at Tilove’s ‘Coffee Madonna’?
    sshortcakepmoments2
    Strawberry Shortcake … or maybe one of those Precious Moments whores …
    … but the Blessed Virgin Mother of God?

    Oh Hell No!

    So listen up snowflakes – ‘cuz the Cookie’s calling bullshit on this righteous rigamarole once and for all!

    Your delusions aren’t divine – they’re dopey.

    God isn’t some carny sideshow and he doesn’t need to go all Wonder Twins to get your attention, mm’kay?

    Don’t get me wrong (and put the pitchforks down) – faith is good and religion’s totally groovy and I’m Ok/You’re Ok and blah blah fucking blah … but the guiding hand of God is not steering your sorry ass toward a special message in a cloud, your shoelace or that damned cowlick you saliva down every morning.

    He’s not.
    It’s true.
    Deal with it.

    But hey, don’t just take MY word for it …

    god8ball

    May 7, 2009 at 1:29 pm 3 comments

    THIS bitch …


     glasshouse1SOURCE

    May 6, 2009 at 1:02 pm 1 comment

    Older Posts Newer Posts



    Creative Commons License
    Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


    %d bloggers like this: