Ciao Homeless People!

March 31, 2008 at 3:56 pm 5 comments

Baltimore's Little Italy Neighborhood

Deep in the heart of Baltimore’s Little Italy stands Velleggia’s restaurant, where you can get Minestrone or Chicken Parmigiana or Saltimbocca – all with a heaping side order of hateration for the homeless — and all before dessert! Yay!!!!

Homeless person on a bench, Baltimore hates the homelessSee, there are all these homeless people clustering around fires and living in tent cities all over the place or something like that and the city has a plan to help them. Enter average Joe Taxpayer who is all for tax deductions doing good deeds and helping the homeless and whatnot as long as it he doesn’t have to do it or see it in his commewwwniteee — ‘cuz if he does that’s not going to work for him, you see … and a bunch of JTs got together in the basement of Velleggia’s recently to bitch about it to lawmakers make their case known.

It must really suck to be just finding out now that the homeless walk amongst you, oh Baltimorians! Amazing that you were never slapped in the face with that reality of life before.

So here’s the breakdown in three easy steps:

1.) There are these fucking bum loser druggie sex addicts people out there who presently find themselves with no apartment, abandoned car or bridge underpass to call home sweet home and they need some walls (and heat – B-more be freezin’ in the winter, y’all!)

2.) The wannabe do-gooder trying to get re-elected mayor and some other people have a plan to help ‘solve the homeless problem’ which includes moving some shelters to temporary locations while the construction (and funding, hahaha) for the permanent locations are being finalized.

3.) Which brings us to the fearmongering, small-minded, self-absorbed people of Crabtown’s Little Italy – who brought the HELL NAW and told the city to shove it with that nasty mess give the boot to the 275 people who would live for (only) about 3 months in empty city-owned building in the Albemarle Square Community.

Live? Amongst? Us? NIMBY NIMBY NIMBY, biatches!!!!

The Albemarle Square Community is an experimental mixed-use community where doctors, lawyers, middle and lower-income families all hang their hats in a contrived version of urban utopia that, well, doesn’t frikkin’ exist. That being said, this might be a good time to let the folks presently living there know that one of the biggest contributors to homelessness, according to the liberal pinko commie National Law Center on Homelessness and Poverty is the lack of affordable housing – and in this day and age of mortgage meltdowns – the ‘homeless’ could be any of us at any time.

It might also be worth noting to these B-towners that, as late as 2004, it was known that children under the age of 18 account for some 39% or more of homeless (which you can bet your ass is higher now, Hometown!) and 42% of THEM were under the age of 5.

But we know how hardcore those little preschooler bastard thugs can be when they’re all spazzed out ‘cuz they can’t get their Color Me Crack-Addicted Elmo fix. We feel you Charm City!!!

Entry filed under: Baltimore, blogging, comedy, community, crime, culture, education, family, fun, funny, Gossip, government, health, humor, law enforcement, life, neighborhood, News, odd, photography, Politics, poverty, restaurants, the homeless, TV, unbelievable, Uncategorized, vanity.

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  • 1. Lori Barrett  |  April 14, 2008 at 11:17 pm

    Great post. Hope to see more of your comments at b.

  • 2. Ted  |  April 15, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    I know this is a blog/editorial piece, but how about just a little bit of objectivity??!! It would be pleasent to see some proper writing as well…’hateration’ is not a word by the way.

    If it is too cold to live on the streets, then, just maybe, you should NOT live on the streets (at least in Baltimore). I’m sure you would respond with some ignorant claim that ‘it is not their fault/choice…they do not have any other options..etc, ad nauseum’ That is nothing but ignorant lies. I honestly do feel for the VERY few people who have been put into that situation, but 99% (not an official statistic) continue to do so by choice. By choice I do not mean that they wake up and say to themselves ‘this is wonderful, I’ll continue to do this’ but rather that they CHOOSE not to apply themselves to get a job, to clean themselves up, to help their children create a better life, etc.

    Sitting on the street NOT doing anything IS a choice.

  • 3. lifeisacookie  |  April 15, 2008 at 8:25 pm

    Hey Ted — you were at Vellegia’s that night, weren’t you? Come on, ‘fess up. We can tell – you were there.
    But on the grammar thing – don’t you EVER let Mary J. Blige hear you disparage the word she basically coined out of thin air in Family Affair.
    It’s a word — but it’s not a ‘white’ word so I’m guessing that’s why you don’t know it.

    Come forth into the 21st century, my friend … it’s fun here!

    The Cookie

  • 4. Rach  |  April 17, 2008 at 1:34 am

    Dude is uptight! Good comeback cookie..

  • […] the predicament one Baltimore official found himself in when he walked out of the B-town booby bar brandishing brass knuckles […]

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