Archive for August, 2008

The Chosen 1’s No. 2

OMG — IT’S ME!!!!!

I am totally The Chosen One‘s chosen one!
::: I’m soooo ready!! :::

According to CNN:
Sen. Barack Obama called some people on his shortlist for the vice presidential slot Thursday night to tell them he had not selected them as a running mate, a highly placed Democratic Party source said.
::: my phone did not ring ONCE last night :::

The source did not say which people got the call.
::: Losers – that’s who! :::

Obama has told some other potential running mates over the last few weeks that he would not be choosing them.
::: Suck it, losers!!!:::

For the record:
I  have not gotten ANY  calls from Barry.
Not one.

So that means, like, a THOUSAND percent that I’m the one ‘The One’ wants!!!!

It’s so obvious! Don’t you see?
My boyfriend has not called me, ever – at any point in the history of the known universe – to ever let me know that I would not ever be his vice presidential running mate.

“I won’t comment on anything else until I introduce our running mate to the world,” O’Beautiful told reporters in Emporia, Virginia. “That’s all you’re going to get out of me.”
::: He totally values our privacy :::

Oh, I know – everyone’s been all ‘Evan Bayh is soooo contemporary, totally buzzworthy’
::: ‘cept, umm, not so much. Bye Bayh!!! :::

And some folks were even all ‘Ooo, that Joe Biden’s got something’
::: kinda hot for a peepaw – but that kind of sump’n sump’n won’t cut it on the campaign trail :::

And lots of folks have even been runnin’ around talkin’ up Tim Kaine.
But, let’s be honest — who wants to look at Scott McClellan for four eight years ever?!?
::: just. too. creepy! :::

Nope – it’s me! And I can’t WAIT to move into Barry’s Bungalow The White House and plunder O’Baby’s, *ahem*  War Chest!
::: bow chicka bow bow :::

And now that the stupid, lame-O restraining order has been lifted — Squinty and the boys can all go pound sand – cuz The Cookie will be bringin’ it STALKER-STYLE  to the convention!

Denver here I come!!!!

August 22, 2008 at 6:23 pm 5 comments

Who’s hosting the intervention?

uh … Wi-HAYULL NO-na!!


August 21, 2008 at 5:44 pm 2 comments

Masticatory Misrepresentation?

Hey there fatty, wanna drop some tonnage?
Feel like trading in those itty bitties for some bigger, firmer breastesses?
Care to put the kibosh on those grody granny hot flashes?


And do you want to achieve all of the above with absolutely no commitment or effort whatsoever??


GOOD – because the shady charlatans at Zoft and their fabulous line of wonder gums can, for about $32 a pop, help you chew your way to full-on fabulosity!

Chomp your way to chestiness!

Smack your stress away!

Wear out your jaws for wondrous weight loss!

Munch away your menopausal misery with minty-freshness!

Heck – you can even grab a pack to perk up the peen!

But don’t take my word for it
::: I’m serious — do not take my word for it :::

Check out these completely fabricated and unverifiable testimonials …

 “I’ve been taking this product for over a month now and have lost 7 pounds. I couldn’t be more pleased! I also have much more level of energy..I guess it’s mainly because I’m lighter. I feel great!”
Well thumbs up to YOU, Sandra, 37, from Nevada – sloth and stupidity finally pay off!!!

“It effected nearly since day 1, After 3 weeks I’m using it – the results are great, highly recommend”.
Dan, 23, Los Angles
WOW – Thanks Dan from, err, Los Angles??? for that wonderfully ambiguous and moderately illiterate recommendation!

“Loved this product, will definitely order more, I feel much better. At the beginning I was skeptic, but it caused an improvement. Also shipping was super fast! Thanks a lot!”
Karyn, 25, Florida
Awesome Karyn!! I mean, I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about – but kudos on that phenominally super-fast delivery — you just don’t SEE that every day!!!

Anyone sampled the Double Bubble Butt yet?

August 20, 2008 at 1:06 pm 1 comment

I’ve always thought so …


Anyone want to do an over/under on how long it takes AP to correct? We’re at 11 hours and counting …

August 19, 2008 at 2:13 pm 2 comments

Were you there?

If you were — we’d LOVE to hear from you. Seriously — email!

Rumor has it that the dried-up, has-been country twanger you see here trotted out his geetawr and a whole mess o’ stupidass, inbred, backward whitebred retardation at a concert in Montgomery, Alabama over the weekend.
::: What? You expected L.A.? :::

Johnny Lee is said to have told what I imagine was a pretty gnarly assortment of mono-toothed, hilbillies:
“They’re going to turn the Rose Garden at the White House into a watermelon patch.”
::: I am sooo telling Shelly! :::

Folks who were there also say Lee told the crowd that my boyfriend wouldn’t even be alive today to run for president if his parents had obeyed the miscegenation laws.
::: My guess is that Lee wouldn’t be alive today if his mom hadn’t pigfucked behind the barn on bailin’ day :::

Toby Keithification: 1
Hopification: 0
::: sad face :::

August 18, 2008 at 6:07 pm

Oh, sweet, delicate beauty …

Behold: Amy Winehouse at the V Festival this weekend.
Ever the consummate performer – she didn’t even stop to pick out the bong residue from underneath her fingernails.
… fanlove … 

Photo: WENN

August 17, 2008 at 11:56 pm 1 comment

Poo on toast

… they’re calling this bitch Fay …

August 16, 2008 at 11:28 am

Older Posts Newer Posts

Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.

%d bloggers like this: