Archive for February, 2008

Swine Scandal UPDATE!

Cute little piggyHours after the first ransom note appeared on my desk, Chillpig’s abductor sent shocking photos of the divine swine to my cellphone! Clearly, foul play was involved. This was a sly perpetrator and I would need to proceed with caution.

I couldn’t do it alone, I knew this.

The first few critical hours had passed and now I would have to move into an accelerated recovery mode.

While investigators worked to piece together a timeline since CP was last seen chillin’ on my desk, I distributed flyers, formed a search posse and combed the office building. I had to hold out hope that Chillpig’s tormentor would not flee the immediate vicinity –but time was running out and I knew that anything was possible.

Just when it seemed that all hope was fading, the local NBC channel broke into their wall-to-wall Super Bowl-type coverage of Fidel Castro’s apparent death resignation to inform the public of Chillpig’s plight. And just in the nic of time too!

Just as the America’s Most Wanted crew were putting the final touches on their piece detailing Chillpig’s possible torment while being held captive — THE call we’d been waiting for finally came in!

Police arrest perpetrator abductor clownUsing NASA-engineered, space-age technologies to retask the government’s primary Global Positioning Satellite, investigators were able to pinpoint the location of the caller. SWAT teams using infrared night-vision quickly moved into position and took down the perp.

Chillpig, suffering from extreme shock, was rushed to St. Mary’s hospital and remains in critical but stable condition this morning.

“It was awful,” I was quoted as saying to Larry King when he called during his show to get an update on the ‘national nightmare’. “We just want to thank everyone for keeping Chillpig in their prayers and all of those who sent in donations to keep the search going. It was touch-and-go there for a while, but because of YOU, we will have our beloved CP back very soon!”

Whew, right??


February 20, 2008 at 2:16 pm 1 comment

Piggus Interruptus

Forget Bindi Irwin and her weird-ass creepy new doll — Chillpig has been abducted!

Chillpig abducted could Bindi Irwin find a way to profit from thisThis is serious people — we’re talking DefCon5, high red alert status!

The thinking at this point is the effin’ B’s highly skilled professionals on the second floor (or the first???) made a little five-finger discount on the heavenly slice of ham I call Chillpig. Clearly they can’t handle the Chillinator being on the loose and felt a need to try and harness his power.

Oh they’ll learn … they’ll learn …

Chillpig is, in many ways, not unlike young Bindi herself. He is charismatic and knows how to have a good time. But there are two subtle differences between the beloved CP and young BI …

1.) Chillpig’s mom doesn’t whore him out to the highest paying commercial interest.

2.) Chillpig would never be able to get freakishly excited about profiting from his father’s untimely death. I mean, it’s sad that he died and all but geezus girl — find your own road. Skating on the memory of your dead dad is just, well, creepy.

In the meantime — keep an eye out for Chillpig, ‘kay?

February 19, 2008 at 10:15 pm 2 comments

C(an’t) B(e) S(erious)!

CBS shows are getting dumb and dumber
The show’s name is Big Brother — but is anyone actually watching (or listening to) the libelous, actionable garbage what these fucktards are doing while the cameras roll? Seriously CBS — where are you?

First we have Idges 1 & 2 gettin’ their BJ on, then we have this guy disparaging an entire group of people because they’re what? Different? Dude — get a mirror and then buy yourself a clue … these are your 15 minutes … use them wisely. Fur Realz! You know there is a group forming in a downtown Boynton rec center right now devising a plan to hunt your ass DOWN as soon as your booted out of that house.

And CBS? Have you truly learned nothing the last four years since Janet’s 90-year-old booby popped out  on national television?

Or maybe you (Les Moonves) don’t realize that — to middle America — allowing people to pay to follow the sexcapades, nipple twists and head-sucking ‘outtakes’ online makes you anything less than a porn distributor.


February 18, 2008 at 9:52 pm 1 comment

Personal Growth

A while back my friend Kathryn gave me ‘a little redneck’. Being that I’m from Alabama — I naturally found the humor in the tiny toy man sporting suspenders and a Mullet worthy of any Skynard lovin’, Trans-Am drivin’, hunka hunka out there.

But my redneck does a neat trick — he grows. 🙂

These are the before and after shots of my redneck next to a coffee creamer (for perspective) after a three-day stint in H2O. And the best part? This exercise in personal growth was conducted at my office with full-knowledge of my boss at the time. That was a great job! Don’t hate — bosses like that are rare — we all know your pain.

Little Redneck toy grows

February 18, 2008 at 3:16 pm

Calm down, fattie

Jennifer Lopez Marc Anthony DListed pregnant TMZEarlier reports had JLo wanting a Valentine’s Day C-section birth because it would be a good date AND because it would be just in time for the tabloid deadlines …  Now TMZ reports that North Shore Medical Center in Long Island have been practicing “pink drills” for JLo’s twins in case of a possible kidnapping. Code Pink is when a hospital goes on lockdown to prevent a kidnapping. The hospital recently had a drill, but told TMZ it was just coincidence. Calm down, fattie — the only person who cares about the evil spawn you and Skeletor created is you. Trust me – you are sooo over — the truly sad part is that you don’t know it yet.  Source: DListed

February 16, 2008 at 12:40 am

Conservatives are just soooo classy

and witty … can you sense the ‘dripping with sarcasm’ quality of this post?

GPD bumper sticker

And that one doesn’t even come close to being the most offensive one (try to contain your shock) – Check out the Top Ten CPAC signs here if you haven’t eaten recently …

February 13, 2008 at 2:04 pm

Nuh uh

“Miami ranks as the worst city for most aggressive drivers for the second straight year in a nationwide study of driver habits followed by New York, Boston, Los Angeles and Washington.” (Source: CNN) 

First I’m all — no friggin’ way … then I remember ‘oh yeah, it’s Miami’ and I’m all ‘riiiiight, that makes sense’.  

Boston only made the list because their bridges fall on their drivers and well, that makes people mad if it doesn’t make them dead first. 

Washington made the list because, well, it’s Bush’s fault, ‘kay?

February 12, 2008 at 8:03 pm

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