Calming Breaths …
The fuck, y’all?!?
Can’t a bitch spend three weeks ringing in the most fabulous of decidedly deserved and universally understood AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION new year without you gettin’ all ‘liar liar pants on fire, where’s our fucking cookie’ on her ass?!
::: way harsh, btw :::
But only because I lurve yuhz and because I did promise.
And just like a Ted Williams sobiriety pact, my promises are … uh, well, technically they’re actually just a bunch of consonants and some syllables and at times a smattering of punctuation strung together primarily for my own amusement … BUT NO MORE!
And not just because my promise was made before the most historically significant event in the history of all mankind (AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION) and, consequently, before The Cookie realized she actually has an alcohol tolerance level.
::: who knew, right? :::
Because this isn’t just a new day or a new year – hell no.
THIS is a new ERA, people!!!!
::: That’s right. I said it. And I used a series of exclamation points for maximum intensity! Feel that shit!!! :::
January 10, 2011 ushered in a magically wondrous new ERA of extraordinary events (AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION) never before witnessed in the whole and entirety of the collective time yours truly’s been carbon footprinting all over this rock we call home!!
Ed. Note: Auburn is also the 1957 National College Football Champion — before my time — but still off the charts on the scale of outstanding awesomeness.
But what does this mean to you, you selfish little bastards?
Only EVERYFUCKINGTHING is all!!!!
This magically wondrous new ERA of extraordinary events could potentially deliver the most amazing experiences and occurrences!
Think of the possibilities!!!
What if that mole isn’t cancer?
::: YAY! :::
What if the Rogaine® actually works this time?!
::: Can’t hurt to hope :::
What if we ALL can possibly just maybe really lose that last 10 pounds?!?
::: Mmm’okay, prolly not :::
OMG! WHAT IF TARA REID WINS AN OSCAR?!?!?
::: Woops, sorry — putting down the pipe … :::
But you get my point.
My beloved Auburn Tigers are now known the world over as the most perfect example of shining excellence and outstanding ability ever to grace humanity … and so, by extention, are you delicious Cookie Crumblies!
Now get off my ass!!
::: the stress is killing my buzz :::