Archive for March, 2010

Jenna Jameson is NOT amused!


Because Jenna knows it takes more than some superstretchy streetwalkin’ solo shenanigans to make it to the top of Skanktown … and human clown car Nadya Suleman just ain’t that ho, yo!

But, alas, the world’s most famous little-people Pez-dispenser may just be turning to porn to pay off her house.

Try to contain your shock and amazement, folks.

The person idiot who sold the house to a woman with 14 anklebiters, no visible means of lasting support and a penchant for full-on fucktarderey says he’ll initiate foreclosure proceedings if she doesn’t pay up the $460k by the end of business on TODAY, BIATCH!!

And, you know, all of that really would sound 20 kind of super hard luckish and whatnot until you find out that Steven Hirsch, Prez of Vivid Entertainment, wrote Octoho a letter where he says he’ll pay off her house as long as she’s willing to take it take it out in tongue-flicks and big, hard di … well, you get the idea.

Now, I don’t know about you, but even though this mess was about as predictable as a Tara Reid relapse, I just don’t see myself sitting through Womb Raider or Octopussy-4-Realz … nuh uh.

SOURCE

March 23, 2010 at 10:09 am 8 comments

Don’t worry ladies – he’ll be here all night!


Sometimes a golden opportunity just falls ass-first on the floor in front of you like a drunk fratboy on ‘ludes.

And, if you’re like me, you fucking LIVE for these moments!

I was lucky enough to be in the right place at one of the most mind-blowing times in recent history when, as odd as it seems, yours truly was *SHOCK* sober enough to capture the exact moment when idiot met dumbass and morphed into the most ritarculous example of douchebaggery I’ve had the pleasure to fully document in at least 16 days in a loooong time!

I AM SO LUCKY!!!!!

A group of hot sluts and I recently channeled our inner Whitney Harding and beheld the rough-and-tumble awesomeness that was the Gold Coast Derby Grrls giving the Blitzburgh Bombers a beatdown so bad they wished they could crawl back up their mamma’s vajayjays and take back their own births!

BOO-YA BITCHES!
Don’t mess with SoFla!

But the best part of the night wasn’t watching women in fishnets and kneepads for two hours (although not an unpleasant way to spend a Saturday evening! ;)).
No, the BEST part was the stupefying show put on at the bar when Mr. Mondo Dismo and his friend emerged to entertain the masses themselves.

Well, in truth, ol’ brownie over there –>
was too busy chatting up two women who prove the adage that everything looks/tastes better the more beer you suck down.

As the Chicago-style jazz/blues band belted it from the stage, Mondo was gettin’ his gyration on while working his $16 Haircuttery ‘Swoosh’ for aawwwllll the ladeez in da HOUSE … ‘cept no one was paying attention, so he kicked his Mondo moves into high gear with arm gestures, moonwalk missteps and a rarity — something you just don’t get to see in public very often anymore — self-induced nipple twists!

SWEET MOVES!

So there I am, enjoying my cocktail, taking cellphone snaps of a live cock literally losing his mind when … HE SEES ME!

Mr. Mondo Dismo slides his size 12’s over to our table, leans in and asks:
‘Soooewwwww, like, uh, hehe, *burp* yur taking my pictchur! Yoo wanna hit ‘dis?’

I look at my girls, laugh, then reply:
‘Don’t wanna hit “dat” – but I have to take your picture, dude. I just HAVE TO!’

To which he responds:
‘I know yooo dooo. ‘Cuz I am hot.’

To which I respond:
‘Actually, no. Because you are RIDICULOUS! HAHAHAHAHA!!

To which meathead actally laughed, nodded agreement then went back to the table next door to begin a solo-samba/salsa type mess aimed squarely at our table.

SNAP SNAP SNAP!

Suddenly he stopped for what I was sure was going to be a vomitus experience to which the entire bar would bear witness — but no!
He stopped to check his phone.

* Looks down, click click … looks up at me … looks down, click click … heads back my way *

‘I don haf ’em ‘n my phone,’ he says with just a hint of whine.
‘Have what?’ I ask.
‘Thuh pictchurz yooo tuk,’ he slurs.
‘Why would you? I don’t have your number. I’m taking them for myself,’ I say.

‘Cuz I am hot.’
‘Actually, no. Because you are RIDICULOUS! HAHAHAHAHA!!

Oooohhh ho HO I tell you … just every now being the most ‘sober one’ translates to F-U-N!!!

Win-win 😉

March 22, 2010 at 10:04 am 5 comments

Suburban SHAKEDOWN!


Officials at a gated community in Florida are turning away guests of residents who are behind on their HOA fees.

TYRANNY!

Security guards at Stoneybrook West have stopped resident Melissa Solis’ friends, family, babysitter and even the delivery man from Winter Garden Pizza Co. from getting to her home.
::: NOT the pizza guy?!? :::

They wouldn’t even allow her mother-in-law inside the gates for a family birthday party.

HOSTILITY!

“It’s very embarrassing for our daughter. She’s 10 years old, and she doesn’t understand that the economy is tight and Daddy doesn’t have a job.”

OUTRAGE!!!!

With the economy at a seemingly-permanent standstill, you breadliners all know the score.
Less coming in = less going out … for everyone … including the evil HOA overlords.

AGGRESS … wait. What?

Delinquency rates are skyrocketing so a lot of Home Owner’s Associations are forced – FORCED I SAY – to go all Stonybrook on residents’ asses and lower the boom … which would be cool and all, ‘cept there’s just one problem.
Ya can’t get blood from a stone, ho’s!

TRUTH!

And that is why lawmakers are considering a buncha bills designed to ease the financial strains between homeowner and association.

YAY!!

One such bill would allow associations to suspend residents from using common areas if they are three months or more behind paying fees. It also empowers associations to collect fees from renters, and prohibits association members from serving on the board if they are three months delinquent.

PROGRESS!!!

“These homeowner associations are crippled, and they’re looking for any kind of edge,” said Sarasota lawyer David Muller, co-executive director of the Community Association Leadership Lobby, which represents more than 4,000 associations. “But actually preventing a guest from accessing the gates — that’s something that’s going a little too far, in my opinion and when concerning the statutes.”

YEAH, BITCHES!  LET HER PEOPLE IN!!

SOURCE

March 18, 2010 at 10:14 am 8 comments

Bloody Good Show


Hey hey there Polly Protesters, stompin’ around all huffy with your unified clenched fists and your homemade signs shouting ‘No more blah blah’ or ‘We’re not blah blah’ or whatever blah blah you shout about — LISTEN UP!

You’re doing it wrong.

You are!

Your organized marches shouting walks against this thing or that thing or whatever thing’s got your blood boiling are downright boring! They’re too tame and too lame to get traction and reaction.

You need to spill that blood instead of just allowing shit to bring it to a boil!

That’s how ya get ACTION!

Just ask the protest PROS over in Thailand – those ho’s know how to rally!

Anti-government protesters started donating their own blood this week in preparation to protest their pissiosity with the powers-that-be.

Hundreds of red-shirted demonstrators gave blood as part of a plan to splatter the Thai government headquarters in a symbolic sacrifice to press their demand that Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva agree to dissolve parliament and order new elections.

HEMOGLOBIN HIJINKS!

Protest leaders vowed – THEY VOWED!!! – to collect the equivalent of 1,000 standard soft drink bottles full of the funky fluid for maximum spillage at the Government House.

“This blood belongs to fighters for democracy. What is its color? Red!” an announcer shouted.

YEAHHHH REEEEEEED, BITCHES!!!!!

“Now that people have agreed to sacrifice their blood like this, how can [Abhisit] not make a sacrifice by dissolving the parliament?” said Weng Tojirakarn, a protest leader and doctor.

YEAHHHH!
‘cept he won’t.

Abhisit told a nationwide television audience that his government’s goal is not to “remain entrenched” but that it would not step down in response to the protesters.

YEA … uh, oh.
Yeah?! Welllll, it’s not over!
Just you wait ’till Full Thrombosis Thursday!!

YEAHHHH!!!

SOURCE

March 17, 2010 at 10:11 am 3 comments

Psycho Killer, Qu’est-ce que c’est?


It’s not weird that Billy Pierce, Jr. threatened Billy Pierce, Sr.
::: Maybe that’s how they bond in their family. :::

It’s not weird that it happened in a bathroom.
::: Maybe that’s how they bond in their family. :::

It’s not weird that batty Billy went berserk because he just woke up in a ‘homicidal mood’.
::: Because, well … uhh, umm ok maybe that’s a little weird … :::

It’s not weird that Pierce threatened Pierce with a pair of bone-cutting scissors.
::: Wait. That actually seems pretty weird to me :::

But hey – with a face like THAT —->
you kind of have to just expect that shit like that’s gonna down on a random Tuesday morning.

Chromosome-deficient Billy told the boys in blue he had the scissors because he was going to use them to cut his hair — but while doing whatever he does in the bathroom … with his father — but then an argument ensued and things got all … WEIRD!

Dad says Junior was getting edgyAgitatedMAAAAAD over health issues but esaclated the situation to straightjacket status when he broke out a “pair of black bone cutting scissors”, bypassed dad’s brisket region and headed straight for his stomach.

Father-Son Bonding FAIL!

Stop reading now if you don’t want to update your Billy Pierce, Jr. GPS codes.

Everyone else can (for now) breathe a sight of relief, secure in the knowlege that (for now) nutjob is being held without bail (for now) at the Hernando County Jail.

SOURCE

March 16, 2010 at 10:16 am 2 comments

But of course!


Because everyone loves COOKIES!!!!!

March 15, 2010 at 9:59 am 3 comments

Nick @ Nite is gettin’ naughty, y’all!


The nighttime programming arm of the Nickelodeon network airs a show called ‘Glenn Martin DDS’ every Thursday night at 8.

The show is a claymation-style cartoon thingie all about the wacky, madcap adventures of the traveling dentist and his family as they embark on a cross-country road trip to protest the demolition of Glenn’s favorite childhood park.

And by ‘wacky, madcap adventures’ I mean strippers, sex, gambling and violence, of course!

Shockingly, a national parents’ group has a problem with this.

“They’ve had references to pornography, there’s an ongoing story line about the family dog, which has an extraordinarily large anus,” says Melissa Henson of the Parents Television Council. She’s also the mother of 18-month old Josiah.

“If this is acceptable now,” she says, “when my son is 7, 8, 9 years old, what kind of content are we going to be seeing on programs he may be asking to watch?”

My guess? The same ones daddy already watches on the computer when you’re not around.

TRUTH!

But seriously folks, early exposure to naughtiness is delicate business so never forget that YOU are the parent. If you don’t want your precious little snowflakes to watch it – either change the channel or (better yet!) shut the damned thing off and give ’em a book to read!

Oh, and don’t tuck your mags, bags and battery-operated sexy-time buddies in the sock drawer. Little precious has prying eyes. Stop your spawn from snooping by locking that shit up, ‘kay? 😉

SOURCE

March 12, 2010 at 11:06 am

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