Archive for December, 2009

Cheating just got easier (to prove)


BEWARE!!!

Social media is the worst thing ever created in the history of all histories and you should totally freak your shit over it because — before it kills you 20 kinds of dead — it’ll fuck your spouse, eff your biz and just flat out ruin your life.

Yuh huh! Will so!!
Bona fide RESEARCH proves it!!!

See, some schmoe from some divorce website heard that social sites like Facebook are really just all about sexy chatty times and were, therefore, a fundamental factor in the fragmentation of marital unions all over the gat damned place, so he put on his ‘how can I use this to get free publicity for my website’ hat and got all probey!
::: It’s not their fault!! The INTERWEBS made them cheat!!! :::

Divorce-Online’s Mark Keenan scanned the his company’s database for the word “Facebook” and found 989 instances of the word in 5,000 petitions.

Horror!

“I was really surprised to see 20 percent of all the petitions containing references to Facebook,” said Keenan, who clearly just fell off the turnip truck this morning.

SHOCK!!

Other social networking sites, including MySpace, Bebo and Twitter, also featured heavily in the sample of 5,000 divorce papers studied.

OUTRAGE!!!

And just what lewd labors came to light over the social networking landscape?
::: HINT: Answer graph three … :::

“The most common reason seemed to be people having inappropriate sexual chats with people they were not supposed to.”

Inappropriate sexual chats.
Inappropriate sexual chats?!

Puh-LEEZ!
I have that in my Bag O’ Get The Best Treadmill At The Gym Tricks!
::: Because it’s the only way to get Mr. Overmuscled Roidhead Assmaster off my machine! :::

I have that in my How To Make The Tightass At Work Nervous Handbook!!
::: Because, oh who are we kidding? That shit’s just fucking funny is why! :::

I have that in my Ways To Get Mr. Cookie To Do … oh wait … we’re married, that doesn’t count.
::: #17! #17!!!!! :::

But whatever!
Inappropriate sexual chats.
Uh huh, sure … I’m all … meh …

Where’s the porn?
The passionless partners?
The innate penchant for hanky panky???

Has social media also killed those time-tested requisite exercises in infidelity?!?

I don’t know … but I DO know that Mr. Divorce Website’s serious scientifical researchification proves one thing: Cheaters better check it before they wreck it because these days dirty chat’s all you need to claim they’ve done the deed.

But, hey, turn those frowns upside down all you sadder but wiser spouses out there!
There IS  a bright side!
Writechic has found the perfect gift for YOU!

SOURCE

December 22, 2009 at 11:26 am 6 comments

PSA Alert!


Grossified goodness …

::: They’re right … just sayin’ … Stepping off my mini-soapbox now but this bitch should go national … just sayin’ :::

December 21, 2009 at 11:31 am 2 comments

And the Wholly Hypocritical Award goes to …


This morning, an eco-conscious acquaintance was bemoaning the fate of the planet in face of the conspicuous consumerism that naturally takes place this time of year and blah blahing on and on about:
— the excessive amounts of garbage generated from piles and piles of discarded product packaging …
— the overuse of electricity from people adorning their abodes with every available form of twinkly holiday ornamentation …
— the gargantuan supply of gasoline wasted by people schlepping from store to store in search of the perfect gift a last-minute stocking stuffer …

I tried to interject on mankind’s behalf  but she cut me off saying she just remembered she had to run to Target to pick up more wrapping paper …

December 20, 2009 at 3:42 pm 1 comment

Droll Tide


It comes as no surprise to anyone who has even the remotest passing knowledge of The Cookie that Auburn Football is the absolute and complete love of my life.
::: It’s ok – Mr. Cookie has learned to deal. :::

And even knowing that about me, the peeps here in Florida think I’m joking when I tell them nothing – and I DO mean nothing – is more important to people from the state of Alabama than almighty football.

Which is why – despite the fact that it centers around the hated, The Despised, THE DEVIL’S SPAWN that is the Alabama Crimson Tide – I am totally down with the following and don’t find it at all ridicutarded.

Lawyers representing the defendant in an accidental death case — a case that has taken four years to come to trial — asked the judge to delay the trial because it conflicts with the Alabama-Texas BCS title game on January 7.

And judge sez?
Sure!
::: Whaaat?!? It IS the championship game! :::

Attorney Jon Terry argued in his motion for delay that the trial was scheduled “before certain monumental events occurred,” that some attorneys have tickets to the game, that jurors are likely to be preoccupied and that opposing attorneys went to Auburn.
::: Monumental … you know, like barely beating Auburn in the final minutes after having your Heisman hero being held to less than one yard per carry by my beloved Tigers in the heartbreak game of the year … uh huh sure, but whatever … :::

“ROLL TIDE!!” the motion concludes.

Circuit Judge Dan King, an Auburn alumnus, said he planned to grant the motion.

“If I didn’t, they’d say, ‘He just didn’t grant it because he’s an Auburn fellow,'” he said. “I wouldn’t do that to ’em.”

Shockingly – plaintiffs attorneys have a problem with this!
::: must be grouchy Gator grads … :::

In a motion filed Thursday morning they argued that the trial should begin as scheduled.
“Simply stated, some things are more important than football,” the motion said.

BLASPHEMERS!!!

Judge Scott Vowell, the presiding judge in Jefferson County and also an Auburn alumnus [we DO rule!], said he’d never before seen a motion that requested a continuance because of a football game but gave the Tiders mad props for coming clean.

“There’s been some motions for continuances and I’ve suspected what the real reason was,” he said. “But this is the first one I’ve seen that was this honest and candid about the reason.”

Judge King, who had not yet issued a formal order late Thursday, said he would reschedule the trial to begin in a month or two.

Bama — ballsy on the field … and off!

SOURCE

December 18, 2009 at 11:58 am 4 comments

Butt … wait!


Congratulations Floridians – you’re one freedom fewer!
😦

The Florida Department of Health has ruled – albeit reluctantly – that once you sign a medical procedure consent form you can’t stop the procedure once it’s begun … even, say ohhhh I don’t know — when the ANESTHESIA wears off?!?

That’s right, kiddies!
You get to grimace and bear it.
::: Just say ‘oh no!’ :::

Just ask the 61-year-old Pasco County woman who filed a formal complaint after gastroenterologist Kozhimala John refused to stop a colonoscopy after her anesthesia wore off and she was quite literally begging him to halt the procedure.

Investigative records of the May 2008 incident show the colonoscopy was underway when the sedation, a common mix of Versed and Fentanyl, wore off. Records show the patient told the doctor that he was hurting her and pleaded for him to stop.

He didn’t.

“Please stop!” she insisted, while the nurse tried to shush her, records show.

He didn’t.

“Most people would say: ‘I didn’t really mean for you to stop the procedure even though I told you to…’ She was under sedation,” John said. “I couldn’t take her words for sure.”
::: I bet you took her co-pay and insurance for sure though, eh doc? :::

After the complaint was filed, DOH lawyers (get the irony??) tried to find some clause — any clause — in the Medical Practice Act that would apply in cases like this.

They didn’t.

John, who is board-certified in internal medicine and gastroenterology, was charged only with inadequate record-keeping for failing to document the many ways the colonoscopy went awry.

He accepted a reprimand, a $15,000 fine, agreed to perform 100 hours of community service and take a course on “risk management.”

When the Board of Medicine heard the case in Orlando earlier this month, some members fumed about the state dropping the more serious accusation.

“There was unnecessary suffering inflicted,” DOH prosecutor Robert A. Milne told the Florida Board of Medicine recently, “but we had to (drop the charges) for legal reasons.”

Donald Mullins, one of three non-physicians on the 15-member board, spoke sharply to John. “It’s her body. She needed to make the decision. These were not your decisions to make … I’m disgusted that we’re going to (accept the settlement). I just can’t believe it!”

Miami pediatrician Onelia Lage said John displayed too little regard for the wishes of his patient. “Regardless of the legalities, when the patient screamed and said, ‘No!, you needed to listen.”

Maybe he will … maybe he won’t, but one thing’s for sure … he doesn’t really have to …

… and apparently, Floridians, neither does your doctor …

SOURCE

December 17, 2009 at 11:12 am 1 comment

Senator Badass (D-MN)


… at least someone’s read the bill …

December 16, 2009 at 11:07 am 1 comment

Judicial Change I Could Believe In


A heinous whore who tortured her child has been:
1. Denied any and all contact with her son
::: GOOD! :::
2. Sentenced to at least four years in prison
::: SLAMMERTIME!! :::
3. Ordered to receive parenting training
::: MOMMI … wait … what?! :::

22-year-old Tabitha Rich put her 33-month-old son butt-first into a pan of boiling water to punish the poor child for the grievous infraction common childhood condition of being constipated.
She also burned his foot with a cigarette and was responsible for other outrageous injuries …

… and yet – instead of barring that bitch from ever reproducing again, some schmuck judge gives her parenting training?!

I’d think the idea would be to prevent her from parenting for, like, EVER!

I mean, ok sure – that skank needs to study up — but wouldn’t it just be easier to obliterate her ovaries and seal her cervix so we don’t have to wait and worry when this MOTY candidate goes for the sequel?!

Because you know there would be one.

Frealz!
SOLUTIONIZE!

We accept the use of chemical castration for male sex offenders, such as rapists, pedophiles, and exhibitionists but then get all touchy when it comes to making it a permanent kind of NOT GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN when some wretched women abuses her offspring.

HYPOCRITICAL!

Cookie’s Conclusion: Just because she has a vagina doesn’t mean she’s mommy material and mommies who wound their wee ones should be forced to surgically forfeit the feminine fixtures of their fertility.

Bandwagon, anyone?

SOURCE

December 16, 2009 at 11:02 am 2 comments

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