Archive for August, 2009
Daily Duh
Got about 6 minutes to waste?
::: Rhetorical question. You’re here. Of course you do. :::
Check out the YouTube vid below … and feel superior and sad … ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!!
::: … and you thought today was gonna be boring … :::
!!!!! SHOCKING REVELATION ALERT !!!!!
Ashton Kutcher is no William Shakespeare
Everybody ok out there?
Total surprise, right?!?
But it’s true.
He’s just a giant empty toolbox.
::: Take a moment. Reset your reality. :::
When asked about his synthetic spouse, did that trick compare his bitch to:
A delicate rose?
A magnificent winged angel?
HAHAHAHA!!!!!
No.
He likened his bride to a burger.
“You know when you first discovered a hamburger and then you can’t live without it? That’s what it’s like for me with her.”
Shall I compare thee to an In-N-Out Double Double?
Thou art more scorched and seasoned.
True Duh 4Ever!
Finally! Football.
It’s Monday and that means there’s bad shit [Pennsylvania gym shooter] and sad shit [Hudson River crash] and funny shit [Dairy Queen milkshake beatdown] and weird shit [Kurtis Blow is AARP eligible] and stupid shit [mass freak-out over Twitter outage] and, well, SHIT is going on out there, people!
But do I care?
HELL TO THE NO!
Any why is that?
BECAUSE FOOTBALL IS BACK, BITCHES!!!!!!
I mean, I’m sorry it turns out that OxiClean wasn’t the only white powder Billy Mays liked and I sure hope Eunice Kennedy Shriver doesn’t die and all, 
but I spend months each year trying to neutralize my need for the gods of the gridiron by consuming news like last night’s Merlot and scouring all sources for anything football.
I have The Replacements on a continuous loop in my DVD player; I slum it and watch the Canadians (and damnit! I really thought Saskatchewan was gonna do it this season) … fuck! I even TiVo past-season Gator and ‘Nole games off The Sunshine Network!!
My off-season desperation knows no limits!
But the dark days are all behind me now.
The first preseason game of the 2009-2010 NFL season is in the books and the wait for college has been whittled to mere weeks.
And if Auburn could just pick a motherfuckGeneChizikmakeadecisionalready starting QB — all would be 100% right with the MY world …
Dumbass(es) Of The Day
… and the award goes to …
The crackerjack ‘search squad’ at the Houston City Jail AND the Harris County Jail!
TWICE AS NICE, Y’ALL!
These dynamos had a nearly 600-pound man in custody for more than a 
day — putting him through all the routine intake rigamaroll and had him lumbering toward the showers when Orca decided to get his disclosure on about a handgun and some ammo he’d been keeping nice and warm in the folds of his corpulent carcass.
::: Someone wasn’t ready for that jelly! :::
“If a person has a weapon, narcotics, anything of danger, it should have been found before he winds up in the county jail,” former Harris County Detention Major Mark Kellar said. “Obviously the system broke down.”
Ya think?!?
But Houston Police Officers Union President Gary Blankinship was all ‘Not so fast, Blamey McBlamerson!’ as he alibied that, although officer are trained to “lift up and look under”, “The officer may not 
have arrested anyone this big before.”
::: May I suggest some light reading??? :::
“They can be so big, basically short of strip searching or searching cavities, they could miss something like this,” he said …
Oh. Ok.
I get it.
I didn’t know about the whole ‘Do Your Job … Unless He’s a Disgusting Lardass’ exclusionionary clause to the ‘Jail Intake Procedure’ manual.
My bad!
Ugh
Guys? Seriously?
It’s 2009. Embrace the new milennium and get a fucking X-ray machine already!
I can’t keep giving you these tips for free!
Alabama could you PLEASE make news for something positive?!?
Rhetorical question …
::: sadz 😦 :::
The powers-that-be in Mobile are feeling all proud of themselves now that they’ve decided not to prosecute an 81-year-old woman who’s uncooperative bladder got the best of her in Bienville Square one hot, muggy south Alabama day in June.
“The city is not interested in prosecuting someone to full extent of law because they had an accident,” city attorney Larry Wettermark said.
Oh well that just covers it, doesn’t it?!?
Let’s give them all giant medals for backing ass-first into the obvious!
I mean, surely they deserve a little something for the brain drain of realizing the sheer fuckery of their actions only AFTER widespread public outrage over the colossally stupid and immensely insensitive arrest.
Let’s recap, shall we?
Lula Mae Battle — did I mention she’s EIGHTY FUCKING ONE YEAR’S OLD?!?!? — had been at her bank on June 3 when nature began to call.
She asked the teller if she could use their restroom, but the bitchy bank employee brought the hell naw, which meant poor old Lula Mae had to haul her hotcross buns to the nearest public restroom which – as her luck that day would have it – was on the other fucking side of a goddamned fucking city park!!!!!
::: … deep breaths … :::
And — shock of shockingest shocks — she didn’t make it.
::: ACK!!!!! :::
But instead of offering assistance to an elderly person clearly in distress, some dumbshit (and as-yet unnamed) flunky cadet called an even dumbershit (and as-yet unnamed) flunky cop who got his Johnny Law on and arrested Lula Mae for public lewdness — a class C misdemeanor punishable by up to three months in jail.
Cue the public outcry …
“If I was her I’d go back in that bank and stand there till I left a puddle on the floor just on principle after closing my account!” internet commenter ALAGOVEATSHT oh so rightly ranted on an al.com message board.
“It’s down right SICK to arrest a little old lady who has a bladder problem,” web-reader lorettanall pointed out, adding later. “The cop should be put on trial for being an inconsiderate moron.”
::: hell to the yeah! :::
But it was that hot slut herself — Bamamom18 — who, for me, nutshelled why this story has people … well, PISSED! [pun intended]:
“Mrs Battles is 81 years old and has been publically humiliated. Why don’t you just make her wear a big red “U” on her clothes and make her stand in the square and let people laugh at her. Yeah, I bet that would teach her a lesson to become elderly and have normal health issues that come with being elderly.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT OUR CITY HAS COME TO.
Think people, think about what has happened to these people. They could be members of your family.”
Yes … yes they could …
Life Is A Cookie 
This is the shit you bitches are saying