Online: Where destiny & fate = density & fat

March 26, 2009 at 3:02 pm 11 comments


Listen up parents!

Just in case you’ve been in a Lithium haze and missed the memo:
Danger lurks on the Interwebs!!!!!

That computer you use to pay bills, read lifeisacookie news and buy your happy time toys?
The one your kids use to buy Webkinz, read lifeisacookie homework assignments and send pictures to grandma?
It’s also a portal of prodigiously perilous possibilites!!
::: OH MY! :::

It’s true!
ewwdavisonJust ask the 13-year-old snowflake from Centerville, Utah who was stopped mere moments before boarding a Greyhound bus bound for California to meet the man of her dreams nightmares. —>

Princess and 40-year-old sexpot Robert Lavern Davison —>
met on the Internet (DANGER!) last year while playing the game “World Of Warcraft’ and began spending secret steamy times together chatting online, before moving to e-mail and ultimately graduating to full-on verbal intercourse!
::: … it’s ok – take a moment to vomit if you need to … :::

Mom was none the wiser until the day little preshuss didn’t show up for school because she was buying a bus ticket.

The cops were called and, with the help of the hot sluts from Utah’s Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force, they cracked kiddo’s computer and cell phone and exposed the all the tricky icky ewww inside. 

Using their sleuthing superpowers, officers decided a 13-year-old who ewwmap1obviously can’t drive and probably didn’t have enough funds for air fare would likely have to either hoof it or bank a bus ticket to meet her mystery date … and since Cali’s hell and gone from Utah, the smart money was always on the bus terminal — where they did, indeed, find the unwitting future rape, torture and mutilation candidate patiently waiting for her ride.
::: Someone’s getting grounded! :::

Unaware that he was now cybersexing with Johnny Law, Scary Hairy continued his charming chats, which became even more sexual, graphic and violent in nature until the FBI’d had enough,  layed down the smack and arrested him at his Kelseyville, California house.
::: Game over, fatty! :::

grossspotYou know, I take great comfort in the knowledge that Dreamboat remains locked up as I write this — yeah yeah, because a child was saved and all — but mostly because I’m relieved to know that only Tony Two Fingers and Big Freddie will get a taste of whatever special sauce created THIS nasty mess! –>

Frealz! What in open sore psoriasis hell IS that thing?!? 

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BAD Penny! When crazy calls …

11 Comments

  • 1. writechicpress  |  March 26, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    Oooo, nothing like an oozing lesions…that is so hot.

    Guess he had to lure a child because he was tired of hearing grown women say, “No, I’m not going to follow the pee stream to find your winky under that apron of gut fat.”

    Maybe the Joker planted a cell phone in his gut. It’s awfully bulgy around the open sore. Or maybe an alien?

    I’m seriously going to have to advance this story, Cooks.

  • 2. girlofwords  |  March 26, 2009 at 4:00 pm

    Oh sweet holy Jesus in heaven. AUGH!!

    I’m laughing really hard at the phrase “pee steam” right now, though. Thanks, writechic!

  • 3. TauFan!  |  March 26, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    hahaha…
    funny picture..
    😀

  • 4. Noni  |  March 26, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    Oh my eyes! MY EYES!!!

  • 5. Ponchita  |  March 26, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    “Get in my BELLY!!” Looks like Fat Bastard trapped a little rat or something in there.
    God help the person at the jailhouse who has to examine this fine specimen before he checks in.

    of whatever special sauce created THIS nasty mess! –>

    *I’m pretty sure I shot tea outta my nose when I read that line!
    Cookie – I love you 😀

  • 6. this buddy of mine  |  March 26, 2009 at 7:23 pm

    “No, I’m not going to follow the pee stream to find your winky under that apron of gut fat.”

    WC…you are awesomely disgusting…I got nothing to comp to that

  • 7. thefabulousone  |  March 26, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    Oh yuck – I am so glad I didn’t eat before reading this today!
    I dont’ even want to think what would have happened to that little girl!

  • 8. writechicpress  |  March 27, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    Thank you, Buddy. I consider that super high praise!

  • 9. lifeisacookie  |  March 27, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    I thought “apron of gut fat’ was priceless, Writechic!

    But oh, Ponchita — the Fat Bastard visual in conjunction with Jabba the Hut up there is almost too much to stoma … oh no … it IS too much to stomach!!

    brb

  • 10. Ponchita  |  March 27, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    “C’MERE AND GET IN MY BELLY!!”

    Damn…for some reason I really want to go to Chili’s now and get some babyback, babyback,babyback ribs. Hahahaha

  • 11. Search Job  |  January 25, 2010 at 10:38 pm

    I must say this is a great article i enjoyed reading it keep the good work


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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