Archive for March, 2009

Dumb Bitch of the Month

I feel cheated!

geninecomptonHere I’ve been, thinking Genine Compton was a pro!
She did have all the earmarks of one, after all!
Supreme sefishness!
Total disregard for others!!
Bad grammar and blind bitchitude!!! 

She had it all, didn’t she?
I thought Genine would go all the way to the Dumb Bitch Championships, but now that I’ve seen a real pro – a crackerjackin action, I’m thinking I should probably revoke even her Dumb Bitch of the Day honors.

I mean, all Genine summoned the stupidity to do was breast-feed her brat while talking on her cellphone … in the car … that she just happened to be driving at the time.

cokeymomLaughably losery and impressive by novice multi-tasking standards but totally bush league when you stack her shenanigans up against master moron Renee Vanalsburg — March’s Dumb Bitch of the Month and for sure DB Hall of Fame shoo in.

Because Renee doesn’t just put her tyke on the tit and go for a drive. Anyone can do that shit!

Renee lets her baby bond with mommy’s breastesses with a booze back and blow chaser!!

Police discovered the trilateral transgression when they responded to a domestic dispute call at a house where Lactose Incarcerant and her ‘better half’ were staying.

The po po rolled up on the scene to find the Florida Mother[fucker] of the Year candidate breastfeeding her baby while ‘clearly drunk and high’.
::: Because if you’re gonna go for it – GO BIG! ::: 

crackshirtThey did a little legal looky-loo and found a bottle of oxycodone and a tin with white powder in the baby’s crib before spying broken glass, ant killer, spray paint and knives scattered on floor of the baby’s room.

Knowing that Cartel Chic isn’t all the rage in nursery design, Johnny Law got to suspectin’ that Mommy Dreariest and baby daddy Marc Rush might not be such primo parents and arrested the duncetastic duo on child neglect charges.

Oh sure, sure — it all sounds pretty harsh right now and all, but you just KNOW the cherished family retelling of  ‘the time mommy’s boozified tatas got her busted’ is gonna be THE highlight at Junior’s sweet 16!

Yup – that’s gonna be soooooome party!


March 23, 2009 at 5:02 pm 3 comments

News you can use

Dear Cookie Monsters:

I care about you.
You are important to me.

And because I know the weekend is at hand and very shortly you will no longer be able to resist the urge to mentally just check-the-fuck-out for the next 48 – I want you to take a moment, draw in a cleansing breath and prepare your brain to absorb some truly crucial knowledge.

No matter how much of a rush you may be in …
No matter what your friend RayRay says …
No matter if you make it all the way to the legendary Triple-Double Dog Dare …

Do NOT, under any circumstances, try to load the boat ON the pickup.

Trust me. This shit does NOT work and it will absolutely fuck up your weekend.

Being a good drunk means being a prepared one.
‘Kay pumpkins?

Now go play.



March 20, 2009 at 3:55 pm 7 comments

Our life’s work – for nothing?

Lest you think you’re the only ones leveraging your kids’ futures to pay this month’s electric bill – BEHOLD!
The Great Depression 2.0 ™  – CHINA EDITION!


Those are the sad, sorry faces of thousands of job-seekers at one job fair in Hefei, Anhui province, China earlier this month.

That’s right, breadliners!
China’s economy’s in the shitter, too — JUST LIKE OURS!
*and all of Europe and the rest of Asia and Africa and, well, you get the point *

Know what else?
They’re doin’ stimulus, too — JUST LIKE US!! 

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao said this week that his the government should waste no time in rolling out stimulus measures.
::: copycats :::

But do you know what they’re doing that’s not just like us?
Importing – shopping – bustin’ the bank.
::: ACK – actual conservatism – ick yuk pTOOEY!! :::

Shanghai-based research firm Data Driven Marketing Asia (DDMA) surveyed 602 ‘consumers’ in five Chinese cities and found that 12% of those surveyed had already lost their jobs and 45% were reducing personal spending because of their concerns about the economy.
::: … so much for America’s 4th largest export market! :::

 The idea that Chinese can pick up the slack now that American shopaholics have gone on the wagon is “rubbish when you look at it,” DDMA director Sam Mulligan says.

But wait — don’t they, like, have to?
China’s been our biggest supporter enabler!

They bought up hundreds of billions of dollars worth of our debt, which helped drive down our interest rates and THAT helped to grotesquely inflate the U.S. housing bubble that went KABLOWIE more than two years ago.
::: See? So obviously TOTALLY their fault! :::

Economists have long pondered whether the current global shitstorm was caused by what Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has called “a global savings glut” in China [and other East Asian countries] and oil-producing nations of the Middle East pushing money into the USA – OR by America’s excessive SUVMcMansionMachiato moneygrubbery over the last 10 or so years.

Well, fuck that quandary!
I mean, why waste time ‘pondering’ when it’s soooo easy just to point the finger!!

Let’s just [continue to] blame someone else for our fucked up mess, impose some wicked sanctions, get Gotti on their asses and be done with it already!

 What’s more American than that, right?

“We can’t get them to replicate Americans,” said Paul French, the British marketing director of research firm Access Asia.
::: oh :::

 “Americans are just so good at consumerism, like obesity and greenhouse gas emissions. Although the rest of us try, it is very hard to compete.”

HAHAHA – That’s right, bitches!

You mean worshipping at the alter of gluttony, greed and gross consumerism isn’t something everyone wants to do?

But we worked so hard at it!


March 19, 2009 at 5:41 pm 2 comments


So I got ^ this email ^ yesterday at that was kinda sorta seemingly callin’ my ass a few kinds of out for not going apeshit on the whole AIG sitch.

And I’m all ‘Dude! What’s going on?!? If only you knew how I’ve tried!’

‘What’s going on?’
Well, for one thing, I really didn’t think anyone would want to read 8 inches of FUCK YOU AIG ASSHATS AND YOUR MISERABLE CORPORATE FUCKERY, YOU GREEDY FUCKING FUCKTARDED FUCKERS!!

I mean, it’s not exactly what one would call particularly ‘insightful’ or ‘thought-provoking’, now is it?

‘What’s going on??’
Every time I sit down, try to channel my inner calm and meaningfully articulate just exactly how I feel about AIG paying more than $160 million in bonuses to employees of its Financial Products division …
… the unit primarily responsible for the company’s epic meltdown …
… the meltdown that resulted in AIG getting more than $170 billion of my yours OUR money in the form of a taxpayer-funded bailout …
… the bailout that essentially made instant millionaires over the weekend of more than 70 people (11 of whom no longer even WORK there) who had a direct fucking role in bringing the fucking company to the brink of ETERNAL FUCKING RUIN …

… What’s going on is that I get a POUNDING HEADACHE from repeatedly bashing my forehead against the wall out of earned aggravation and excessively escalating pissiosity!

Because it’s not just the greedy muddascunt AIGers who arouse my anger, sir.


I have ire in reserve for the Federal Reserve twits and the Treasury Deptartment meatsacks who should have put terms into the original bailout agreement that would have prevented this fiscal fuckery — but didn’t in the rush rush to get the [admittedly necessary] bill passed.

And I feel I can rightly direct a fair amount of fury at every lameass, near-sighted Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Green Partier, lobbyist, banker, zoologist, cryptozoologist, philatelist or rare coin collector who had even the most limited hand in ultimately putting before then-President Bush the $700 billion NO FUCKING OVERSIGHT economic bailout package (Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008) which became the godawful Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) when shrub signed that bitch into law on October 3.

‘What’s going on?!?’

I don’t think I can harness this hissy fit and I sure as shit couldn’t find my happy place right now even if you plopped my tuckus smack in the middle of it from a hot-air balloon powered solely by sunshine and positive thoughts!

‘What’s going on?!?!’

There [almost] are no words …

March 18, 2009 at 10:11 am 3 comments

Straight. Up. TRIPPIN’!


You may have lost your job, house, savings, mind, self-esteem and overall reason to live in this New Great Depression, but a smallish ray of sort of goodness has pierced the barren landscape of your crappy life!

Your kids aren’t sniffing as much of the shit you keep in the cabinet under the sink!
::: See? It’s not ALL bad! :::

Some pencil pushers at the Office of National Drug Control Policy researchified what little Johnny and his friends do when you’re not looking and GOOD NEWS!
Fewer teens are sniffing glue, lighter fluid, spray paint, shoe polish and other easy-to-find substances“.
::: One less thing, right?!? :::

About a million kids aged 12 to 17 used some kind of inhalant in 2007.
Only a mil? That’s GREAT! It’s only 3.9 percent of the adolescents who could have been rifling through your Raid collection!

And if you compare that totally marvy 3.9 to the monstrously gargantuan four point four percent doing sniffy snax in 2006 – well, it’s just nineteen kinds of semi-conclusive that we could be on the cusp of potentially maybe winning the war on drugs Krylon and Kingsford!!!
::: I’ll drink to that! :::

Some folks attribute the slumping huffy puffies to “ongoing efforts to educate teens about the dangers of inhalant use and encourage parents to discuss the issue with their children” – which sounds good when you’re trying to secure ongoing funding and all, but – if we’re being honest?
They’ve just moved on.
::: bummer, dude :::

According to the study, the oh-so readily-available inhalants you bring home from Target and keep within arm’s reach came in a dismal third (17.2%) as the go-to get-high move for kids dipping a toe in the warm waters of altered consciousness for the first time.

On the other hand, the Viagra, blood pressure and other prescription meds mommy and daddy don’t lock up had a more respectable second-place showing (23.5%).

But the perennial favorite, the Cadillac of herbal remedies, the crap your kids will reach for first whenever it’s time to get the party started was, is and forever will be (56.3%) — the stash of marijuana you didn’t think they knew you kept in the back corner of your sock drawer.

… So that’s where it went! Goddamned Little Lebowski Urban Achievers …

March 17, 2009 at 12:07 pm 1 comment

What do you get …


When you cross a few 42-ounce Mojitos with some quality museum time?

One hella great weekend stimulatin’ the ‘economy’  in Miami, bitches!

What did you do?

March 16, 2009 at 10:23 am 7 comments


Just in case you missed it while you were standing in the breadline, opening a foreclosure notice, opening your unemployment check or just opening a bottle to get your drink on and forget shit for a while … I bring you a wee bit o’ happy – courtesy of Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart and his giant pair.

Behold the most revealing, penetrative, informative and educational interview I’ve seen on television in a long, Long, LONG time.
(UPDATE: Since the douchebags at Viacom did as predicted and yanked their YouTube rendering, citing their usual copyright  bullshit — I found it on Google Video – if you can stomach the commercials you’ll get the goodies 😉 ) 

Take it away Jon!

March 13, 2009 at 10:23 am 5 comments

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