Posts tagged ‘lawsuit’

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It’s an all-out PAPER TOWEL WAR!!

ptowelsSeems the folks at Bounty paper towels are 20 kinds of pissed over Brawny’s new look because they believe it’s an intellectual dupe of their ‘bowtie-like embossed’ pattern design.
::: they must not know that whole ‘imitation is the sincerest form of flattery’ bit :::

They’re so bent out of shape that Cincinnati-based Proctor & Gamble Co. —  Bounty’s owner — filed a federal lawsuit to stop the alleged copy-cattery allegedly being perpetrated by Atlanta-based Georgia-Pacific LLC — Brawny’s owner.
::: ludicrously litigatory :::

“We will rigorously defend our intellectual property rights, which in this case involves infringements to our Bounty trademark and trade dress,” some P&G spokesbitch blah blah’d in an email to reporters.

“We believe the claims are entirely meritless, and we plan to defend the lawsuit vigorously,” Georgia-Pacific blah blah’d back.

All relevant blah blah aside?
brawnyThe real crime here isn’t the pattern.

It’s the lumberjack!

My untidies can only be  treated by the thirstiest of towels – and that ain’t the jack, ‘kay?

Which is why I quit that bitch years ago for the  cottony comfort of Viva.

I mean, helllooo?!?

Look at his veneers! His high cheekbones!! His perfect hair and plush lips!!!

He’s either the missing Village Person or I’m the Queen of England!

Frealz, yo!
This guy is all jazz-hands and showmanship.
Corporate even gave that slut a makeover complete with a smokin’ hot new set of guns and a tighter ’70s shag ‘n stache. But all that glam + 1,000 plaid shirts and manly poses can’t hide it.

He’s just not strong enough to be my man.

I’m sorry, but it is what it is. And don’t front like you don’t know what I’m saying.
You see it.
You know you do.

If that cutter isn’t keeping a pair of assless chaps hanging next to a whip and a feather boa on the back of his bathroom door then I need to go wrangle the corgis for their afternoon walk!

Ya — the bother with your branding ain’t the ‘pattern’ boys … but good luck with that lawsuit and all.

[Ed Note: My chaps are on a hanger and my whip is under the bed … I’m hella fun — but I’m nobody’s mascot either.]

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May 14, 2009 at 6:26 pm 6 comments

I bet THIS wasn’t on his Bucket List!


The dumb skank who admits she knowingly got into a car with a possibly drunk Morgan Freeman last August is now suing that hot piece for negligence, saying she wants to ‘clear her name from claims she was his mistress’.
::: And bank some sweet coin, of course! :::

Demaris ‘Do My Eyes Make Me Look Like A Crazy Gold-Digging Whore’ Meyer held an L.A. news conference where she whined about being labeled the ‘other woman’, channeled her inner Blogojevich and vowed to fight, Fight, FIGHT until cleanliness and dignity are restored to her allegedly once-good name.
::: … uh huh, good luck with that … :::

“I had hoped and prayed that Mr. Freeman or his representatives would have set the record straight and cleared my name, but they have not done so and that is why I have chosen to come forward to tell the truth about our relationship,” she bellyached to a handfull of people who, if we’re being honest here, probably only showed up to see what a potential Freeman fuckbuddy looked like.
::: … now we know? :::

According to her four-page lawsuit, she hopes to squeeze the Oscar-winner for pastpresentandfuture medical expenses, short-term memory loss , pain and suffering, some kind of short-term memory loss, pastpresentandfuture lost wages, permanent disability for short-term memory loss and other damages. Oh, and some sort of loss of memory … or something … and, uhh, don’t forget that big fucking truckload of money, bitches!!
::: … because nothing screams ‘Innocent Choir Girl’ louder than a legal shakedown … :::

The whole almost-hookup apparently happened because a mutual friend invited her to a dinner party so she could fuck meet the actor. She went, they dined, they got their drink on, they left and went back to the mutual friend’s house, they got their drink on there, then Miss Daisy jumped in Hoke’s Nissan and were makin’ the dash to his pad when things got all crashy.
::: … just your typical first-date stuff … :::

According to her [bullshit] lawsuit, she was in Freeman’s car only because he kindly offered to let her spend fucky times the night at his home — seeing as how “it would be much closer for Ms. Meyer to travel to her place of employment the next morning from Mr. Freeman’s home” than from the home of their mutual friend.

Uh huh … ‘cept Freeman’s house is in Charleston, Mississippi (89.5 miles from Meyer’s Memphis abode) and the friend lives in Clarksdale, Mississippi (77.6 miles from Memphis) — which would make it, like, NOT closer and stuff?

Oh but hey, in her defense, anyone stupid enough to get  in a car with someone they admit [in writing — filed with the courts] had been drinking, really isn’t the kind of brainiac who can be reasonably expected to handle simple geography or exhibit any of her own accountability or, you know,  personal responsibility or anything … right?

Right?

Right?

SOURCE
LAWSUIT

February 26, 2009 at 4:34 pm 13 comments

Darned SHOOTIN’!


And the award for Most Retarded Display of Selfish Corporate Fuckery goes to …

McDonald’s! – for their patent refusal of Workman’s Compensation benefits to an employee who was shot [at the MCDonald’s where he worked] while trying to defend a woman who was being beaten [at the MCDonald’s where he worked].
::: Way to go, corporate fuckers!! :::

Nigel Haskett’s heroics earned him three abdominal surgeries and a permanent reminder of the universal law that no good deed goes unpunished in the form of a partial bullet — forever lodged — in his back.
::: Who says you can’t take it with you?!? :::

Haskett’s unselfish actions also garnered the highest admiration and respect from his employer.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Noooo — just kidding!

McDonald’s really couldn’t have said ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’ more quickly or more clearly.

Facing more than $300,000 in medical bills from the shooting [at the MCDonald’s where he worked], Haskett filed a claim with the state Workers Compensation Commission — to which McDonald’s replied, well,  ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’
::: See! :::

In a letter to the Commission, McDonald’s insurer wrote: “we have denied this claim in its entirety as it is our opinion that Mr. Haskett’s injuries did not arise out of or within the course and scope of his employment.”
::: I’ll bet his timecard begs to differ! :::

The McLawyers say McEmployees are given strict McInstruction to ‘do nothing’ that would put themselves or anyone else in danger during the course of their McWorkday.

Oooook — and, umm, the McCustomers? Any advice on their safety, Mickey D?!?

Ohhhh riiiight – ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’ – GOTCHA!

In a clear deviation from Chapter 6, paragraph 13 of McDonald’s We Didn’t See Nuthin’ Customer Beatdown policy, Haskett’s boss Ray Nosler called him a hero for his actions last August and contributed to a fund setup for his employee.

“We are all grateful to Nigel and that’s why it is so unfortunate that he’s having a difficult time with the insurance claim,” Nosler says.  “Because the insurance claim is still pending, I’m not able to say more about it, but I hope his claim will come to a quick resolution and the right thing will be done for my employee.”
::: awwww – i haz cry :::

Video of the incident had been available on YouTube, but now there is a disclaimer that reads: This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by McDonald’s Corporation.

They don’t want to own up to any responsibility for what happens in their restaurants but they’ll sure as shit own the evidence!
::: I’m not lovin’ it :::

Eh, McFuckem — you can watch it here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So what do you think?
Should the Evil Clown Empire cough up some cash or should we just all understand we’re taking our lives in our hands each time we frequent the corporate-sanctioned anything goes, lawless wasteland that is your neighborhood McDonald’s?

SOURCE

February 23, 2009 at 11:34 am 3 comments

Boob vs. booby bar: Your tax dollars at work


It went from bow chicka bow bow to bow chicka bowOWW  when a stipper workin’ the pole at the local tittay bar sent her Stiletto soaring with something as simple as a singular toe flick.

I hate it when that happens! You step into your spinback on the way to the hip-reveal and whammo! – wardrobe malfunc …. uhh, well, I mean, that’s what I hear can happen …

Aannnyputmyselfthroughcollege, that shoe shot off, shattered the mirrored ceiling and sent glass raining down like silvery shards of lawsuit all over 35-year-old Charles Privette.
::: poor widdul pervert – him gots a boo boo :::

George Gettinger, general manager of Margate’s Booby Trap,  confirmed such an incident happened and paramedics were called, but the emergency responders apparently weren’t too worried about Privette’s injuries.
“A quote from the paramedics was, ‘I can’t believe you even called us for this,'” Gettinger said.

But panty waste hired himself a lawyer anyway (like you didn’t see that coming) and filed himself a lawsuit, wherein he states that he sustained a small laceration to his eyebrow, headaches and nose bleeds as a result of the Jan. 14 shoeing and is seeking at least $15,000 in damages because The Booby Trap breached “its duty when its employee failed to perform her routine in (a) reasonably safe manner.”
::: and you thought you had to have a ‘gina to be a gold digger, didn’t you?!?  tsk tsk :::

Seriously people, can’t we just toss this prick a few sticky pennies from the floor of the Champagne Room and call it even Stevens?

October 15, 2008 at 8:25 pm

Southern progress?


You know it’s gonna be a long day when the first thing you read is a tale of retarded racist redneckery so egregious you fall out of your chair and land squareass on the Pergo under the Mac.
::: I did. I’m ok. Thanks for asking. :::

Today’s tale comes from landlords Wilber and Julie Williams – a couple who help put the ASS in Tallassee, Alabama one good ol’ boy day at a time.

These two twits sling stupid so well they got the attention of the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), which charged the degenerate duo with violating a nifty little piece of legislation we like to call the Fair Housing Act after they forced a white couple to move from a rented home because they were seen …
… doing drugs in the den?
::: nope – try again! :::
… pimping ho’s out the house?
::: nuh uh – try again!! :::
… selling babies off the back porch?
::: Negatory!!!! Try again!!!! :::
… talking to a black couple in their front yard?
::: DING DING DING — we have a winner!!!! :::

The whole mess began back in February when the cankerous couple rented a house to Melissa Jones and her family. Things were going along just fine until one day in May when the Frankenpair did a drive-by at the exact moment that *gasp*  BLACK PEOPLE were visiting with Jones!!!
::: How shocking in these modern times and all – right?  Oh wait … it’s Tallassee … I think they’re still holding out for a Confederate win … :::

According to Jones’ statement to HUD authorities, her bias bitch of a landlord later called her demanding, “Those people need to leave. I don’t want them on my property.”

One week later Judgmental Julie is said to have called the renters again — only this time her phone conversation was recorded.
::: I you, technology!!!! :::

The phone transcript is said to show Julie Williams saying, “If y’all want to have African-Americans to visit, we’re going to ask you to move … this has never happened with any renters that we’ve had … It’s not fine on our property.”
::: someone’s got her Klan robe in a BIG ol’ twisty bunch!! :::

The case goes on to state that Jones told her landlord she wasn’t just friends with black people — but that she had family members (bluud tahz, y’all) who were of mixed ethnic background. She says she was then told to “go ahead and move before the rent’s due for July.”
::: K …K …K’mon! Really?:::

Melissa Jones told HUD authorities that the McCainiac called again in July to pressure her into moving, telling her, “You should live in the projects if you want to interact with those people. I will sell the house if I have to in order to get you out. I don’t care if you made a complaint to HUD, you have to move.”
::: yew kin hav mah kohled ded hart wen yew prah et frum mah kohled ded bohdee :::

The couple moved the first of September.
If a U.S. Administrative Law judge finds the depraved defendants guilty he can award damages for actual loss, emotional distress, humiliation, and loss of civil rights.
::: YE$ :::
The judge can also add civil penalties and a federal district court judge can award punitive damages if the defendants are found guilty.
::: YE$$$$$$$ :::

Let’s all lift Melissa up, Up, UP in prayer so that she may receive actual, real, hardly-practiced-in-the-deep-South, 21st Century-style justice and not just some nastyass rotting doublewide, a pair of wooden dentures and a tattered Farmer’s Almanac.

Can’t hurt to hope …

 

 

October 15, 2008 at 2:46 pm 44 comments

How To: Kill Fatty


 Richard Cooey is a loser lardbutt waste of human space retarded idiot scatwad.

Whaaatttt?!?
I’m not spreadin’ rumors or anything!

He admits it – and so do his lawyers!
::: Well, the lardbutt part at least – the rest is a well-founded editorial opinion :::

Cooey’s the assface you see here:
<—

While sitting on Ohio’s Death Row for the 1986 rape and murder of two women, Cooey has surmised that he is too much of a blubberhead to have that pesky little death sentence thingy carried out — and he got all suey about it just in case people weren’t listening.

His lawyers filed suit in federal court arguing that the murdering rapist they represent had poor veins when he faced execution five years ago and the problem has gotten worse as their murdering rapist client has packed on the pounds. They also say prison officials have had difficulty drawing blood from the murdering rapist they represent.
::: my heart bleeds 4 u, murdering rapist!!! :::

Attorneys for the big fat murdering rapist also say a drug their rapist-murderer fat fuck of a client takes for migraine headaches could affect the execution process.
::: if only :::
And a physician hired by the Ohio Public Defender’s Office said Cooey’s fatassness, combined with the potential drug resistance, increases the risk he would not be properly anesthetized.
::: I got a cure for that … Zzzzzzttt! :::

This story puts me in mind of the time I took my first steer to the packing plant for processing.

I’d said my (extremely tearful) goodbyes to Sir Loin at P&B MeatPacking and was walking toward the office when I heard about 4 quick squeals that were quite obvously not from delight.

Just then, a stubby guy in a bloody apron burst through a set of swinging doors.
Making a beeline for the back wall, he was muttering a healthy string of obsenities juuuust audible enough for an 11-year-old girl to memorize.

I giggled.
He stopped.
He turned around.
I swallowed my gum.
He grinned.

Then he spat on the floor, turned back toward the wall, reached up, grabbed a shotgun mounted above a homemade ‘Cash Only’ sign and disappeared back through the swinging doors.

Seconds later I heard *chhkkk chkkk* pump.
Then a blast.
Then silence.

That’s how they have to do it sometimes when the charge can’t make it through the pig’s fat.

I’m thinking a shotgun shell might be the perfect solution for the fatass murdering rapist asshole pig on Ohio’s death row who thinks he is just too much for the quiet chemicals of lethal injection.

Worth a shot, right?

August 5, 2008 at 5:57 pm 1 comment

Thursday Theatrics – Giuliani Style!


Rudy “9-11” Giuliani’s 22-year-old douchebag son has filed a 198-page lawsuit against Duke University for cutting him from the school’s golf team.
::: I OBJECT! :::

Andrew Giuliani says Duke is in ‘breach of contract’ by cutting him because he was ‘recruited’ by the previous golf staff.

WOW! Recruited! He must be GOOD then, right???
Umm, like no ‘n stuff?

Yummy stats, anyone?

  • Last season The Blue Devil’s golf team had 14 players.
  • Rudy’s Runt was one of nine players who competed in only one or two tournaments.
  • The team’s top five golfers, on the other hand, competed in at least nine tournaments.
  • Pussyboy’s best finish was a tie for 36th at the Fighting Illini Invitational.
  • Asscrack’s season competition average was 74.5, which made him the 12th best player on the 14-player team.
    ::: Duke’s the one who should be suing! Just who the hell was the asshat who ‘recruited’ this loser?!? :::
  • So the coach decides to whittle the team to about half its size and used the time-tested practice of keeping the best players — but ‘Drool wasn’t havin’ any of that action and got all ‘don’t you know who I am?!?’

    They did.
    You’re a loser.
    They cut you.
    That’s life.
    Deal.

    There is no ‘Andrew’ in TEAM.

    Andouche said he’s suing because privileged uppercrusters like him always gets what they want and no way some golf-pro wannabe teacher is gonna stand in his way “to make sure this doesn’t happen to anyone else at Duke.”
    Ya.
    Bitch forgot to mention he’s also suing for as much money as he can shake from the Duke dollar tree ‘unspecified compensatory damages’ and use of the school’s state-of-the-art golf center (while he is in school and after he graduates).
    Drama Queen also wants a jury trial.

    So does mommy.

    “This has been heartbreaking,” Donna Hanover, said in a statement. “We tried for many months to convince members of the Duke administration that because we are rich and white ‘the rules’ don’t apply to us this situation should be corrected and we are pissed off and looking for retribution sad that we have now had to turn to the court.”

    If this ginormous waste of time and taxpayer dollars does go to trial, I hope it’s on teevee and Judge Judy gets the call so she can brand his pampered puss with her own special brand of ‘I don’t think so!’
    I would TIVO the hell outta that shit and throw a big ol’ Bew Hew Ball so people could gather to eat popcorn and point and laugh hysterically at little Andy … just like those lucky bastards at Duke get to do every day!

    Good times!

    July 24, 2008 at 7:54 pm 6 comments

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