Archive for January, 2010

Pat Robertson is not getting laid – but you knew that

Old and Busted: Telling people you’re religious
New Hotness: Telling people you’re spiritual

Because religious people are unattractive!

Are so!
And now there is serious scientifical researchification to prove it!!
::: Not that I actually needed serious scientifical proofification – having grown up in the Bible Belt and having a firm understanding that faith and religion are two separate things and that people who go ’round jawbonin’ ’bout religion are usually a fug bunch of hyper-judgmental, bigoted jackbags that I’d sooner opt for eating shit-covered shoe leather than listen to their blah blah any day … but it’s good to have it for backup!  WOWEE! Did you know I can see downtown from the top of my soapbox!?! 😉 :::

Aaaaanyway … according to the results of a wide-ranging mental cavity search of more than 15,000 North Americans recently published in the über-pfft Personality and Social Psychology Review, people tell others they are ‘spiritual’ so they’ll seem more attractive — especially to folks they want to make fuckey times friends.
::: … mmmmaybe, but a nicely wrapped package is a surefire attention getter … just sayin’ … :::

The survey’s author, Constantine Sedikides, says people subconsciously paint flattering pictures of themselves by revealing they have inner spiritual beliefs.
::: I used to do it by revealing the inner lining of my thong, but whatever – this could work too I guess … :::

The practice is quite pervasive in the United States and Canada, the two countries where Sedikides found it is most beneficial for people to let others know they are “intrinsically religious” because desirability – he found – goes down faster than the Philadelphia Eagles in the postseason if people portray themselves as “extrinsically religious.”

Uh huh – that explains it!



January 21, 2010 at 11:12 am 5 comments

I’m thinking … the end is near …

Well, actually – it’s here.

But yes.

Straight from Land of NOOOOooooooooooo [but yes] comes a tale so tragic I *wince* almost *gak* can’t even *bghwa* get it out!!!

Yes I can!

Edgar Allen Poe’s ‘Mystery’ Visitor Fails To Appear


But yes.

In a tradition that dates back to at least 1949, The Poe Toaster — some drunkass douche with nothing better to do a mysterious figure dressed in black [ooo], features cloaked by a wide-brimmed hat and scarf [ahhhh] — has crept into a Baltimore churchyard every January 19 to leave three roses and a half-bottle of Cognac at the grave of Edgar Allen Poe.

every year.
Except this one.


But yes.

“I’m confused, befuddled,” said Jeff Jerome, curator of the Poe House and Museum. “I don’t know what’s going on.”
::: I’m thinking the smart money’s on the dude being dead :::

“I’m very disappointed, to the point where I want to cry,” said Cynthia Pelayo, 29, who needs to get a fucking life had stood riveted to her prime viewing spot at the gate for about six hours. “I flew in from Chicago to see him. I’m just really sad. I hope that he’s OK.”
::: I’m thinking the signs are pointing to the guest being a gonner :::

This year marked the 201st anniversary of Poe’s birth, and some Poe-fficianados are speculating that perhaps – just maybe – the visitor considered last year’s bicentennial an appropriate stopping point.
::: I’m thinking the perplexing pilgrim has perished :::

Jerome said he will continue the vigil for at least the next two or three years, in case the visits resume. “So, for me,” he said, “it’s not over with.”
::: I’m thinking it’s kind of funny that the writer’s biggest fan ended that sentence with a preposition :::


January 20, 2010 at 11:19 am 8 comments

Type Hype

A Michigan company is quite literally banking on the fact that there really is one born every minute.

Developers at Sarcasm Inc. have created a hot little mess they are marketing as the ‘SarcMark’ – a ‘new’ punctuation denoting sarcasm.

I’m all

\  .
)  .

“Statements have the period. Questions have the question mark. Exclamations have the exclamation mark. When you see the newest punctuation mark for sarcasm, you’ll know the writer of that sentence doesn’t literally mean what they’re writing; they’re being sarcastic,” the company said in a release.

I will?
‘Cuz I gotta be honest when I say the SarcMark ain’t exactly screamin’ its meanin’ my way.

And, really, how fucked do you have to be head that you’d even need a such a symbol when you could just convey the wonderfully corrosive qualities of sarcasm via the written word?

If you didn’t catch the ‘casm in my description of Tara Reid as a delicious nugget of sophisticated elegance then you need to put down the crackpipe and open a dictionary.

If you didn’t dig the digs runnimg rampant all through my fumeration over all things Freegan then you need to rethink those morning Mohitos.

If you didn’t pick-up the total and complete put-down that was my tribute to the perfection of Jim Eastabrook then, ohfuckit … you’re the SarcMark demographic.

Take your dumb ass on over to and fork over a dumbass dollar ninety-nine to download the dumbass software you’ll have to use to communicate the clever comebacks your dumb ass is too fucking dumb to disseminate in the first place.

… now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to create the SnarkMark …


January 19, 2010 at 11:09 am 2 comments

‘Till Tuesday …

I’m chukin’ the deuce ‘cuz I’m on the move for a few …
try not to break anything while I’m gone, ‘kay?

January 15, 2010 at 11:13 am

This is real

Here is a short list of organizations ready to receive any help anyone would like to give:

• The Red Cross: You can give $10 to the Red Cross’s International Response Fund by texting HAITI to 90999. 100 percent of your donation benefits the Red Cross, and you can print a receipt through mGive, a foundation that helps non-profits take advantage of mobile technology.

• UNICEF, the United Nations Fund focusing on children, has worked on the ground in Haiti since 1949, so has the expertise to make a difference. You can donate here.

• Doctors Without Borders is also present in-country. One senior staff member reports, “The situation is chaotic. I visited five medical centers, including a major hospital, and most of them were not functioning.” Donate to support public health efforts here.

• MADRE, the international women’s rights NGO, partners with the Zanmi Lasante Clinic on the ground in Haiti. “The most urgent needs right now are bandages, broad-spectrum antibiotics and other medical supplies, as well as water tablets to prevent cholera outbreaks,” MADRE reports. Donate here.

• Action Against Hunger has had a team in Haiti since 1985, and is ready to fly planeloads of emergency supplies from Paris to Port-au-Prince. Food is one necessity, but so is sanitation; in some Haitian towns, 70 percent of homes do not have plumbing. Donate here.

• Mercy Corps has a history of deploying aid to regions affected by catastrophic earthquakes, such as Peru in 2007, China and Pakistan in 2008, and Indonesia last year. They are deploying a team to Haiti, and you can support their efforts here.

Partners in Health is the NGO founded in Haiti in 1987 by Dr. Paul Farmer, the celebrated physician and anthropologist who focuses on international social justice. The group’s emergency response focuses on delivering medical supplies and staff. Louise Ivers, PIH’s clinical director in the country, sent the message, “Port-au-Prince is devastated, lot of deaths. SOS. SOS.” Donate here.

• Missionary Flights International makes regular flights to
Haiti, including one Wednesday. Donate at

• Food for the Poor is accepting its donations at
. The Coconut-Creek based organization, which has an office and warehouse in Haiti that was damaged, is seeking donations to buy emergency supplies and lumber to rebuild homes.

• Operation Helping Hands, a joint community project of The
Miami Herald
and United Way-Miami, will be collecting donations to
support the relief effort in Haiti. To make a contribution, go to

Artist Wyclef Jean: Donate to Haiti via Wyclef Jean’s
charity. Text “yele” to 501501 to donate $5 to the fund. Or visit

World Vision has 370 staff in Haiti and is accepting donations
at or call 1-800-363-5021.

The Pan American Development Foundation (PADF) — the natural
disaster relief arm of the OAS — asks people to visit its special relief

Photos: AP, Getty Images

January 13, 2010 at 10:37 pm 6 comments

Am I the only one …

… who finds the juxtaposition of headline and photo here très amusant?


January 13, 2010 at 10:57 am

Open Letter to Marcus Lattimore

My dearest, darling, beautiful Marcus,
Listen to me.

I am a true blue Tiger to the end, so I feel compelled to tell you where to go.

College football has always been and will forever be my truest of true loves, so I am obligated to tell you where to go.

I am, quite literally, already putting the polish on my very own personal playbook for the 2010 season, so I have no choice at this point in our soon-to-be long(ish)-term relationship but to tell you where to go.


Out of all of the schools you’re considering – only Auburn can offer the total excellence of athletic experience you so rightly deserve.

I mean, I know you’re from South Carolina and all, so I hope that’s the only reason you’re even considering those cocks. It’s no secret that The Old Ballcoach is struggling and who even knows what’ll happen with him if Urban Meyer continues his emotional freakout. South Cackalackee can’t give you the stability and assurances you need. Don’t go there!

And Penn State?! That’s Linebacker U … and you, my could-be new ‘boo, are a running back! Plus Big 10 football is boring and s-l-o-w! Don’t go there!

Oregon? Pac-10? Uhh, no. Oh sure they had a good 2009 season, but their mascot is a fucking DUCK and I hear LaMichael James is stingy on sharing carries. Don’t you want to be an impact player right outta the gate? Of course you do. Oh, and by the way – have you experienced an Oregon winter?! Don’t go there!

Florida State. Please tell me that’s a joke?! The ‘Noles have definitely seen better days, my friend. I mean, ok sure – Jimbo Fisher promises a quick turnaround but how quick can that really be considering he’s inheriting a four-year NCAA probation (*blech) and a handful of scholarship reductions (*ptooey) as a result of an academic cheating scandal?! Yeah, just kind of leaves a bad taste in your mouth, doesn’t it? Don’t go there!

Georgia is in a rebuilding phase. Rebuilding the coaching staff. Rebuilding the roster. Rebuilding their mascot (R.I.P UGAVII) It’s just messy. ‘Nuff said. Don’t go there!


You and Michael Dyer are the class of all running backs coming out of high school and Auburn is Running Back U!!
He’s a solid AU commit — you know you want to stiffen up your ‘soft’ commit status! You do!
Just think of what the two of you could do together!!!
I know I have!

OhPleaseOhPleaseOhPleaseOhPleaseOhPlease GO TO AUBURN!!!!!

My Tubby-loving heart is slowly warming to Gene Chizik and I think we can agree that Curtis Luper, Trooper Taylor, Jeff Grimes and Gus Malzahn belong way up there on the worthy scale.

C’mon! Make me happy Marcus!!

Join the ranks of outstanding backs like Tucker Frederickson, William Andrews, Joe Cribbs, James Brooks, Rudi Johnson, Stephen Davis, James Bostic, Brandon Jacobs, Lionel James, Brent Fullwood, Kenny Irons, Cadillac Williams, Ronnie Brown, Tommie Agee and Bo Jackson!!

Live out your college days on the Loveliest Village on The Plains!!!

You + Auburn = A Super-Exclamation-Pointy Natural Fit!!!!

Think about it.
I’ll be your BFF4EVAR!

Love eternally and for always and ever to infinity a millionthousand times …


January 12, 2010 at 11:16 am 4 comments

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