Archive for September, 2008

They’re just trying to sell magazines


New dad Clay Aiken has confirmed to People magazine that he is gay.

Oh what a bombshell … Gayken’s out, mystery solved.
Zzzzzzzzzzz

September 24, 2008 at 12:46 pm

Post … toasted?


I don’t even know why anyone bothers reading the local rag anymore.

While converting oxygen to carbon dioxide this afternoon, I decided to check out the local newspaper’s online product and hooboy howdy let me tell you — what a colossal fucking waste of time THAT was!

Aside from being visually accosted by a ginormous Kim KardASSian jpeg occupying what would (on any other website) be the ‘lede’ slot, as well as being force-fed some hellish looking booking mugs (all begging ‘click me – click meeeee because we think meaningless clickage we don’t know how to monetize is TOTALLY where it’s at!!!’) I noticed one of the many all-important ‘we’re-on-top-of-things-bringing-you-the-latest-must-know-info!!!!’ “NEW” gifs on the homepage.

Hooray! New information!!

  • Did the FED make a rate cut?
  • Did my local city council pass a new resolution?
  • Are they working on fixing the voting glitches identifed countywide?
    WHO CARES! There’s bigger news out there:
    Martin County woman reports puppy stolen

  • … and with that I had to (once again) lift up
    The Palm Beach Post in prayer.

    Not only has the pub proven it doesn’t care about little things like being comprehensive, topical, easy to use or – god forbid — LOCAL …
    ::: Ask a Local … anyone? :::
    Not only has it shown it can’t compete locally …
    ::: Post Geography Lesson: Boca Raton is NOT in Palm Beach County :::
    The daily, lameass slapped together output underscores,
    highlights and puts in bold that it’s a product that doesn’t even know where to begin to try and compete.
    ::: and we had such high hopes … well, ok, we actually didn’t … :::

    One thing is clear – the powers that be have gone balls to the fucking wall in favor of the old ‘Pasta Method’ — just throwing any old horseshit online to see what might stick.

    The result?
    The site is Teflon.
    ::: good for cookware, bad for market share :::

    Was the same true of other rags?
    I shamefully admit I was curious! So I used the nifty tools at Compete.com to do a quick and down-n-dirty looky-loo.

    Comparing monthly visits at pbpost.com, sunsentinel.com and daytondailynews.com over the last year it’s grim-reapery apparent that the end is probably, more than likely, gonna have to be soon.

    See how Dayton’s at least snagging monthlies in the million range? Small by web standards, but respectable enough, I suppose, considering how extremely late in the game newspapers decided to join this wacky  Internet fad …

    But then you look at the sad little Post and Sentinel numbers — not even half a mil — not even a quarter of a mil! Yet even in the ‘Itty Bitty No-Hitty Committee’ category — the Sentinel smokes the Post month after month.
    ::: well, if nothing else – they’re consistent! :::

    Then I compared monthly unique visitors – *heavy sigh*

    See that blue flatline at the bottom? That’s the Post … kinda says it all, doesn’t it?

    Now, do you suppose that perhaps, just maybe in the teensiest of little ol’ ways that this ‘news’paper site’s inability to attract ‘news’ viewers could be because there’s barely any NEWS going on there?
    ::: and I’m not talking about the same stale shit you can get any everywhere else … :::

    Do advertisers want to be aligned with booking mugs? Well, maybe bail bondsmen — too bad none bought space …
    Does a retarded  ‘Dancing with the Stars’ recap in the lede news slot (as opposed to a more appropriately placed teaser) make web users want to go out and spend money locally? Dunno — I was expecting a tie-in ad, perhaps a dance studio slam spot. Instead I got nadda.

    Which is just what I’ve come to expect from my hometown disaster – nadda.
    And, looking at the numbers, I’m not alone.

    Note to the Post:
    Let us know when you figure out what you wanna be when you grow up – a newspaper or a gossip sheet.
    ::: I hope it’s a newspaper because PBC could actually use some meaningful local copy … oh, and we already have Dlisted, Mollygood, Jossip, Defamer, The Superficial and so many others for our daily dish – ‘kay snookums? :::

    You can lead a horse to water, but unless you can sell that bitch something while she’s there your CPM and ROI are gonna be MIA …
    … the Post must think that’s not really a BFD …

    September 23, 2008 at 9:28 pm 5 comments

    Every dog (owner) has her day


    When an evil, murderous bitch (left) gets 15 to life for allowing her mutant killer canines to do the unthinkable … somewhere in heaven a former lacrosse coach gets her wings.

    A San Francisco judge this week sentenced Marjorie Knoller to some well-deserved hard time, seven goddamned long ass years after her two blood-thirsty Presa Canarios fatally mauled her neighbor, Dianne Whipple, in the hallway of their San Francisco apartment building.

    And by mauled I mean the hounds from hell ambushed the woman and ripped her to pieces in an attack that lasted at least five minutes.

    Now think on what that kind of torture might like — being chewed up and pulled apart in bloody, fleshy bits by angry animals mere centimeters from your own front door while their owner stands aside in her own apartment listening … but doing nothing.

    With a weird Aryan connection and allegations of homophobia and zoophilia, this case was disgusting from every angle.

    I hope they stick Marjorie Knoller in a bayou prison with no air conditioning in a cell with a view of the gnat and maggot-infested mess hall garbage cans and give her some big ol’ coked-up butchy bitch of a cellmate with unbridled rage, a passion for knifeplay and a scorching case of herpes.

    SHANKTASTIC!!

    September 23, 2008 at 1:14 pm 20 comments

    Disney daze gone bye


    Disney cash cowette Mylie Cyrus and her pimp daddy Billy Ray are all kinds of fed up with the Mouse House and want to move on to greener pastures, like, NOW.

    TMZ.com ‘spies’ on the Hannah Montannah set report that “Miley has bragged that she will get fired, making it clear she wants to focus on singing and not the show”
    ::: she’s just being Mylie :::

    ” … Billy Ray has also made it clear that there is more money in singing than a Disney cable show.”
    ::: Someone read Joe Simpson’s ‘Idiot’s Guide To Whoring Out Your Offspring’ :::

    The creepy father-daughter duo has reportedly been showing up to the set ridiculously late, stalling production and infuriating cast and crew.
    ::: Family Values of the Hick and Famous :::

    Cast member Emily Osment (younger sister to underage alky Haley Joel) used to be totally tight with Fakey Breakey’s spawn — but now, with all this drama, she totally wants Billy’s brat off her bff roster.
    ::: Can’t we all just get along? :::

    TMZ says Emily is so bitter she literally turns away from Miley after each scene.
    ::: HARSH! :::

    Folks, this is headed straight for the land of Not Good — where kiddie stars with overblown egos become washed-up haggard skanks who can’t remember their lines, their purpose or their place but can suck down a bottle of Baileys in a single gulp and get all ‘dohn schew knohoo aiyam???’ when some poor gatekeeper brings the hell naw as they try to jump the velvet rope.

    Overt greed and inappreciation usually leaves a fanbase cold and I’m sure Disney doesn’t want to see their product reduced to just another overdose-in-training.
    ::: well, not unless there’s a People cover and some serious cross-promotion involved … :::

    So, before wily Mylie’s moneygrubbery makes all that tween cash go *poof*, I think Disney should totally tear up the Cyrus contract  – but only after they sever ties appropriately by giving her character an astoundingly painful and sizzlingly scabrous STD and killing her off in an end-of-season live episode.

    Now that’s quality programming for the whole family!

    September 22, 2008 at 5:14 pm 5 comments

    Mariah Carey is an optimist


    No, scratch that …
    Mariah Carey is the most optimistic of all optimists ever to optimize optimism in any form. Ever.

    How else can you explain that – despite actual laws being passed banning the bitch from movie theaters worldwide (unless she was holding a ticket) following the epically disastrous 2001 debut of Glitterhere she is — putting the fatal final touches on a new  movie?!?
    ::: oh no!  :::

    Oh yes!

    Just in time for the holidays comes Tennessee — a road-trip drama in which Carey plays (what else?) an aspiring singer!!!
    ::: that’s right girl — dig deep, challenge yourself – GROW! :::

    Carey plays ‘Krystal’, a dumb whore who has high hopes to make it BIG in music – but is afraid she may have to settle for diddly squat because she is a dumb whore trapped in (what else?) a bad marriage.

    This one’s gonna work!

    And why not — It’s just soooo completely and totally different from Glitter – where she played (what else?) an aspiring singer who’s bullshit dreams are in danger of going *poof* because of (what else?)  the evil and controlling ways of a man!

    Yup, totally  different!

    “Woe is me?” What the hell is that?
    exactly …

    September 19, 2008 at 8:16 pm 1 comment

    Oh baby!


    photoremovedCaption?

    SOURCE

    September 19, 2008 at 10:44 am 1 comment

    Weeks to go and the whining is easy


    Hopification and audaciousness be damned, people!
    We are at Defcon 5 and the liberal, commie, pinko, treehuggers are rrrrrrready to rrrrrrrrruuuuummble!!!!!!!

    Wimpy, freaked out Democrats are telling my boyfriend to get tough and grow a pair already!

    The nervous Nellies are havin’ a hissy fit because — despite an economy teetering on the brink of the Greater Depression and that whole war thing and how only rich people can afford food and stuff and mean ol’ Mother Nature raining on everyone’s parade and crappy sitcom television and transfats and Britney being back, bitches — despite ALL of the gloom and doom facing Americans today, polls show an almost even  race between The People’s Prince and His Maverick Beefiness.
    ::: yeah — it’s a head-scratcher … :::

    The Nellies are tellin’ Yummy Tummy to put on his game face and show them a change they can believe in – a change of attitude, that is! Go negative, get mean, be more passionate!
    ::: Obama + more passion … woo hoo! :::

    Doubting doubters …  Barry brings the hotness – AND the fire!!!

    ” … a lot of people have gotten nervous and concerned. ‘Why is this as close as it is? And what’s going on?’ We always knew this was going to be hard, and this is a leap for the American people,” he said.
    ::: get ready — the fuego is coming … :::

    ” … we’re running against somebody who has a formidable biography, a compelling biography.
    ::: fuego — annnnny minute now … :::

    “He’s a genuine American hero, somebody who served in uniform and suffered through some things that very few of us can imagine.”
    ::: umm, fuego? :::

    “The reason I’m calm is I have confidence in the American people.”
    ::: ok, so that would be a no on the fuego then? :::

    It’s a bold strategy – employing diplomacy during the campaign … oh hell, employing diplomacy at all! God knows that shit hasn’t been a part of the American political landscape for a long, loooong time.
    We’ll just have to wait and see if this dicey gamble pays off …

    In the meantime – never fear – you know why?
    Doesn’t matter.

    It’s all oooooo-k.

    It’s allllll good!
    <— A
    s long as this vapid bitch is still allowed in public, we’ll get to see some sort of emotional meltdown before the people go to the polls.

    Ahhhh — feel better?
    Yeah, me neither.

    September 18, 2008 at 4:37 pm

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