Archive for July, 2008

Meg Ryan is bringin’ the chunk



Nah – not really.

She brought out the Kirstie Alley fat suit for her role in the movie ‘My Mom’s Hot Boyfriend’ where her character goes from fat to foxxxay.

Movie sounds like a snoozer but I totally think she should keep the new look. At least that body matches those gigantor lip implants!

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July 25, 2008 at 8:19 pm 3 comments

Breakin’ up is hard to do


I am actually sort of feeling sorry for poor little Justin Long today!
No, not because he looks like that ————————->
:::  although the buttfugly shoes should get a sympathy vote :::

Mr. I’m-More-Than-The-Mac-Guy is apparently so upset over being dumped by Drew Barrymore that he had to drop out of her new roller-derby movie, Whip It!

“He couldn’t stand working with her and not being with her,” a friend of his says. “He’s too upset … She was hot and cold. One minute she was in love with him and the next she wanted to break up with him.”

I feel for the guy, I really do!
He’s more emotionally fragile than a preteen girl — he might not make it y’all!

The little fella’s been described in various media reports as being ‘distraught’, ‘devastated’, ‘destroyed’, ‘depressed’ and a whole bunch of other words that don’t start with the letter D.

(so)Long and Dontwannaseeyanomore had been friends for more than 7 years before gettin’ their PDA on pretty much anywhere and everywhere there was a camera handy. And then *poof* – seemingly just like that (snap) it was over when she decided to recast the role of ‘Drew’s boyfriend’.

No one’s really talking about the breakup, but rumor has it she is still tuned in to the FM frequency.

“Drew just couldn”t get (Strokes drummer) Fabrizio (Moretti) out of her mind. She says Justin was great, but what she had with him just wasn”t as strong,” the source said.

It’s believed (apparently by the same unnamed source) that Drew told Fab about her feelings, which got him feeling deeeeeeelighted at the prospect of knockin’ boots with Barrymore again.

Justin, I think yer F’d, dude.

July 25, 2008 at 7:11 pm

Thursday Theatrics – Giuliani Style!


Rudy “9-11” Giuliani’s 22-year-old douchebag son has filed a 198-page lawsuit against Duke University for cutting him from the school’s golf team.
::: I OBJECT! :::

Andrew Giuliani says Duke is in ‘breach of contract’ by cutting him because he was ‘recruited’ by the previous golf staff.

WOW! Recruited! He must be GOOD then, right???
Umm, like no ‘n stuff?

Yummy stats, anyone?

  • Last season The Blue Devil’s golf team had 14 players.
  • Rudy’s Runt was one of nine players who competed in only one or two tournaments.
  • The team’s top five golfers, on the other hand, competed in at least nine tournaments.
  • Pussyboy’s best finish was a tie for 36th at the Fighting Illini Invitational.
  • Asscrack’s season competition average was 74.5, which made him the 12th best player on the 14-player team.
    ::: Duke’s the one who should be suing! Just who the hell was the asshat who ‘recruited’ this loser?!? :::
  • So the coach decides to whittle the team to about half its size and used the time-tested practice of keeping the best players — but ‘Drool wasn’t havin’ any of that action and got all ‘don’t you know who I am?!?’

    They did.
    You’re a loser.
    They cut you.
    That’s life.
    Deal.

    There is no ‘Andrew’ in TEAM.

    Andouche said he’s suing because privileged uppercrusters like him always gets what they want and no way some golf-pro wannabe teacher is gonna stand in his way “to make sure this doesn’t happen to anyone else at Duke.”
    Ya.
    Bitch forgot to mention he’s also suing for as much money as he can shake from the Duke dollar tree ‘unspecified compensatory damages’ and use of the school’s state-of-the-art golf center (while he is in school and after he graduates).
    Drama Queen also wants a jury trial.

    So does mommy.

    “This has been heartbreaking,” Donna Hanover, said in a statement. “We tried for many months to convince members of the Duke administration that because we are rich and white ‘the rules’ don’t apply to us this situation should be corrected and we are pissed off and looking for retribution sad that we have now had to turn to the court.”

    If this ginormous waste of time and taxpayer dollars does go to trial, I hope it’s on teevee and Judge Judy gets the call so she can brand his pampered puss with her own special brand of ‘I don’t think so!’
    I would TIVO the hell outta that shit and throw a big ol’ Bew Hew Ball so people could gather to eat popcorn and point and laugh hysterically at little Andy … just like those lucky bastards at Duke get to do every day!

    Good times!

    July 24, 2008 at 7:54 pm 6 comments

    Katie Couric is a victim


    Cunty Couric, currently tagging along on my boyfriend‘s Middle East tour, was interviewed by Israeli publication Haaretz.com for reasons that completely escape me.

    During a rambling, idiotic diatribe about how the piss-poor viewer response to her crapass news reading are totally  not her fault, Cunty spewed forth the following verbal nugget:

    ” … sexism in the American society is more common than racism …”

    Yeeeaaahhh, because white, multi-millionwhores know a lot about racism, y’all!

    Everybody clear?
    It’s not her. It’s YOU – you sexist prick!

    Source (the 12th graf is a grabber!)

    July 23, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    Heavy (aqua)Petting


    I’ve been buying my toys at the wrong store!

    Hugs and kisses go out to my green-eyed friend for *ahem* turning me on to what just may be the ‘must have’ nightstand accessory for women everywhere: The Dora The Explorer Aquapet.
    ::: muy atractivo!! :::

    Seriously! Check that bad bitch OUT!
    —————->
    ::: muy caliente!! :::

    Mad props have got  to go to the creative team!

    Can’t you just picture the process? A jumble of bodies packed together in a small room, everyone taking turns stroking the initial idea … working long and hard for hours at a time … fingers caressing the growing shape … massaging the concept until this final, beautiful design burst forth in a flood of their collective creative juices!!!!

    ::: hhhhohyeeaaahhhhhhh ….. :::

    July 22, 2008 at 1:22 pm

    Economical strategification


    According to a new survey, “More companies in the U.S. plan to boost prices and limit hiring as the surge in raw-material costs hurts profits.”

    What a groundbreakingly bold new strategy!!
    ::: charge more + hire less = common sense! :::

    Thank you Captain Obvious and the rest of the Super Duper Thinking Team over at the National Association for Business Economics!
    ::: I you guys! :::

    Can this exciting new plan could be applied to other  things?!?

    What if — and bear with me here, I’m just throwing this one out there off the top of my head — what if we DROVE LESS to offset the high price of gas???

    WOW — right?!?

    July 21, 2008 at 2:41 pm 5 comments

    Food for thought


    We’re Number One!!
    We’re Number One!!
    We’re Num … wait. What?

    Crap. Wrong kind of number one …
    According to a weighty government survey, the South is (once again) the portliest part of the good ol’ US of A.

    DANGIT SOUTHERN PEOPLE!!!!
    Can we please be number one for something positive?!?
    ACK!!!

    Maybe I’m overreacting.
    After all, the findings are pretty much the same as they were in each of the the three previous years this fat-finding mission was performed.
    ::: hooray for artery-clogging consistency?!? :::

    Mississippi, the perpetual red-headed stepchild of America, has reigned as Queen Supreme Pudgie Pot every year since 2004. But the rest of the region got surprisingly supersized and now the competition is ON!

    Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia and Louisiana all embraced their inner backfat and have been bringin’ the chunk harder than ever!
    Collectively, these four fatties have made so much peace with being obese that there’s almost nothing that sets them apart from Mississippi when it comes to the all important fat stat.
    ::: heavy thigh :::

    Making up the ‘Top Ten Most Ginormous and Jiggliest States’ are:
    1. Mississippi, now with 32.0% more lardass
    2. Alabama, showing a sizeable 30.3 % bigger spare tire
    ::: You are my Heart of Dixie!! Just a little more bacon and you can be Number One, girlfriend!! :::
    3. Tennessee, showing 30.1% heavier thunder thighs
    4. Louisiana, packing 29.8% more junk in the trunk
    5. West Virginia, with a whopping 29.5% bigger deep-fried backside
    6. Arkansas, proudly packin’ on 28.7% more blubber butt
    7. South Carolina, balancing picnic plates on 28.4% bigger buddha bellies
    8. Georgia, cramming cookies into 28.2% chunkier cheeks
    9. Oklahoma, outdoing itself with 28.1% more Oreo eating
    10. Texas, bringing up a fabulously fattier rear with it’s 28.1% more flabtastic weigh-in

    ‘Experts’ think the traditional Southern diet — high in fat and fried food — may be partly to blame.

    ::: Oh yes! Finally – a CLUE!!! :::Another
     

     

    Bacon Doughnut Egg Burger, Belva?

    July 18, 2008 at 6:16 pm 5 comments

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