Archive for June, 2008

Oh, those cunning British linguists!


Political correctness policeA bunch of Brits have decided to do away with the much-overused business term ‘brainstorming’ as it may possibly, perhaps, plausibly but probably not cause distress to epileptics who are ‘so sensitive that anything with the word “brain” in it causes distress’.

Instead, they propose that we engage in ‘thought showering’ during meetings designed for idea generation.

Oh, well done, British Idiots!!!! Splendid idea!

But why cater to just the epileptics?!?
I can think of several other words and phrases to, umm, ‘modify’ for LOTS of other groups …

For instance, it is highly likely that use of the business cliché ‘brain dump’ might seriously offend the horrifically incontinent.
Can you just imagine  the shitstorm that  phrase has probably caused over the years? We can’t have that. So, instead of saying ‘brain dump’, I propose we ‘undergo an excretory thought-elimination process’.
You’re feelin’ me, right?

And while I’m at it — I know for a FACT that the closet-claustrophobe in the conjoining cubicle hates to be encouraged to ‘think outside the box’ but would much rather be encouraged to ‘cogitate externally from within’.
::: You didn’t think I cared, did you Martha!?! :::

Oooo, ooo — and Gaylord? On the third floor? I know Gay would much rather ‘thrust against the big, broad horizon’ than be urged to blandly ‘push the envelope’.
::: Gay TOTALLY feels me — my HR department can attest to that:::

Yup, I’ll back the Brits on this movement because I think it’s very important that, going forward moving in a future-advancing motion, we not drop the ball fell the orb on this issue but rather bring our A-game tranport a primary-vowel achievement when it comes to making the language of business corporate-centered vernacular appropriate for everyone pluralistically agreeable.

 Anything less just wouldn’t be civically rectitudinous!

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June 20, 2008 at 7:17 pm 3 comments

You say ‘plum tomato’ …


TomatoesI say Olivette!

Red, juicy tomatoes are back, biatches!

The fruit everyone labels a veggie is back from the brink of Salmonella Siberia – at least for some fast-food retailers (for whom quality is, like, fur realz super-duper crucial, man).

McDonald’s, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, Wendy’s — are all bringin’ back the ‘mater for use in the culinary questionables they serve up daily.

Which got me thinking …
Fast food is nasty. Why not just lick the bottom of your shoe and be done with it. No, but really …
Taco Bell serves, umm, actual food?!?
(I always thought it was some sort of  a hangover remedy.)

 

 

June 19, 2008 at 10:11 am 1 comment

Hot tranny mess …


But not the kind you’re thinking …

Editor and Publisher is echoing the ‘calling out’ Queerty gave New York Post cartoonist Sean Delonas over his apparent on-the-job lazy-assness … or, as I remember it being called in J-school – self-plagiarism.

Writes E&P: Two recent “Delonas cartoons were about Thomas Beatie, a transgender man who is reportedly pregnant. (Beatie was born a woman and took testosterone to look like a man; the female organs were left intact.)”

So just how similar were Delonas’ drawings?
Judge for yourself:

April 6, 2008:
April 10, 2008 Sean Delonas New York Post editorial cartoon

June 10, 2008:
June 10, 2008 Sean Delonas New York Post editorial cartoon

Yeeeaaahhhhh …

June 18, 2008 at 10:43 am 6 comments

Bumper stickers are the new crazy


Cars with bumper stickers

People who drive vehicles sporting bumper stickers are sick, crazy, dangerous bastards bent on your destruction.

Whaaaattttt?
I know it sounds harsh, but it’s based on serious researchification and scientifical findings – so we must accept it as truth.

Depreciating your ride by sticking sticky things on your vehicle’s ass instantly turns you into a territorial asshole who is a major road-rage incident in the making.

Sorry Road-Ragers!!

Colorado State University social psychologist William Szlemko sez:
Drivers of cars with bumper stickers, window decals, personalized license plates and other “territorial markers” not only get mad when someone cuts in their lane or is slow to respond to a changed traffic light, but they are far more likely than those who do not personalize their cars to use their vehicles to express rage – by honking, tailgating and other aggressive behavior.

In other words — sticker slickers are jerks who think they own the roads, which makes them bad people, which makes the rest of us better than them, which means we can rightfully feel superior now.

Thanks Scientifical Researchification!!

“The more markers a car has, the more aggressively the person tends to drive when provoked,” Szlemko said. “Just the presence of territory markers predicts the tendency to be an aggressive driver.”

That means YOU – Mr. If the van is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’. We know your game!

And little Miss ‘My Kid is a Crystal Cove Elementary Super Star’ Prius driver?
You’re not fooling anyone. We know you’d run a school bus full of kiddies off the road if the driver didn’t merge fast enough for you.

Bitch.

 

June 17, 2008 at 12:43 pm

There’s no hope for the rest of us


Kate Beckinsale doesn't like her bodyAll hope was lost the moment Kate Beckinsale demanded a body double for her latest film. Apparently, she “loathes” her bottom.

Umm, yeah – that’s Kate in all her horrifically gigantic, lard-assness right there —————>

Disgusting, I know.

A  source on her new film Whiteout said: “Kate has a terrible self-image. She thinks she is fat and she is always complaining how certain outfits make her bottom look big. Of course, the reality is that she has the most amazing body.”

Tragically — she isn’t soliciting comments with those remarks. She’s actually seriously effed in the head.

How terrifically sad is it when an Oxford-educated, outrageously gorgeous, successful mother/wife/actress who reportedly suffered anorexia as a teenager is still battling retarded self-image demons?

If you’re the parent of a daughter … hug her today and make sure she knows she is the apple of your eye and perfect just the way she is (well, that  and make sure she stays far, far away from R. Kelly).

June 16, 2008 at 7:22 pm 3 comments

Father’s Day Fail


A 27-year-old man who allegedly beat an infant to death in the middle of a roadway Saturday night was shot and killed by a Modesto tactical flight officer, police said.

“What we got from witnesses is he was punching, slapping, kicking, stomping, shaking,” sheriff’s deputy Royjindar Singh said.

Amazingly sad …

June 16, 2008 at 10:39 am

Just a word of caution for the ‘rents


R. Kelly

** If you have a daughter — keep close tabs on her.
We’re bettin’ he’s looking for the anger bang **

Who: R. Kelly

What: Not Guilty

When: Today

Where: Chicago

Why: Guess they like  their child porn in the Windy City …

 

June 13, 2008 at 8:54 pm 1 comment

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