Archive for March, 2008

And so it begins …


War for Oil in IraqAnd do you believe NOW that it has nothing to do with planting the flowering bud of democracy throughout the Middle East?!?

No — ok then you can tune back into Rush Limbaugh or FOX news or go back to reading whatever drivel Ann Coulter is spewing forth …

I am curious to see what the future holds … for example — will Condaleeza Rice be back with the boys at Chevron when this little ‘administration’ thing is over later this year?

” … Chevron has repeatedly expressed an interest in Iraq. The company has provided free technical training to Iraqi oil engineers in the five years since the U.S.-led invasion ousted Saddam Hussein.”

Of cour$$$e they have …

March 25, 2008 at 2:34 pm

Happy Easter — hope you don’t die!


Enjoy the Peep Show:
Peeps Show for Easter

I hope you enjoyed that little bit of harmless fun. If you didn’t then you are a way-too-uptight-in-the-draahz type clearly in NEED of The Cookie. Loosen the eff UP and find the happy …

After all, it might be the only fun you CAN have this Easter now that the word is out that Easter traditions can be hazardous to your health — if you’re braindead enough to hide your kid’s eggs in a backyard filled with Fido’s fecal matter, that is!

Seriously — we really needed a warning NOT to do that? Can’t we just let the laws of natural selection run their course?!?

March 21, 2008 at 7:46 pm 2 comments

Spring’s crappy kickoff


stingray kills Michigan womanA Michigan woman on a trip to the Florida Keys died after a spotted eagle ray jumped out of the water and struck her in the upper body.

An unfortunate way to mark the vernal equinox but take heart … she was from Michigan so it’s not like her vote mattered.

March 20, 2008 at 7:05 pm

Roll Call with DMX


DMX Dark Man X is politically ignorantNas. Check.
Scarface. Check.
Barack. Who?

The always quotable but politically ig’nint Dark Man X was answering questions from XXL magazine when the interview took an unexpected detour and crashed headlong into dumbass.

Excerpts:

Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.

Barack?!

Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right?
Nope.

Y’all don made him act a fool
Up in here, up in here
 

(Note to DMX: You’re a former crack addict with a lengthy rap sheet – a badass who likes to pepper his ever-so-eloquent commentary with the F word.  Don’t mess with you ‘cuz you’re tough. Yeah yeah, we get it … But you know what? You better not EVER let Michelle Obama hear you dis Barry like that! She’s the HBIC and you just know she’ll cut a bitch to get the point across. You may want to call your mom and update your dental records – just sayin’.)

March 19, 2008 at 8:47 pm 4 comments

Five Years Later …


President George Bush is a complete idiot in this old mission accomplished photo

Only not so much, douchebag.

March 19, 2008 at 1:03 pm 2 comments

Hey Miriam – check it!


barbie bathing suit not fit for real womenToday I want to introduce you to two new words (you listening Ms. Webster?) that I hope to see embraced just as tightly as last year’s verbal newbies ‘ginormous’ ‘crunk’ and my personal fave ‘smackdown’ …

And they are: celebrisuit and celebrikini

The definitions are the same — celebrisuit is any swimsuit unfit for actual, real, human-type pipples to wear. A celebrikini is a variation of the celebrisuit, obviously for women (and John Mayer).

Unrealistic male bathing suitHow do you know if a suit fits the definition? Well, any suit you see Jessica Biel, a non-preggers Halle Berry, Penélope Cruz, David Beckham, any model (male or female) or soap-opera “actor” (male or female) or pop ‘sensation’ such as alien queen Rihanna or bum-shaker Shakira wearing  — you can’t. It’s just that simple.

You don’t look like them now and you never will (nor will I so retract the claws, kids) … and because you don’t look like them now (and you never will — did I say that already?) you should never, ever (EVER) try to wear what they wear when it comes to swimwear (yes, and that applies to my fat, dimpled ass as well, so shuddit!)

Note: The following are, indeed, ‘famous’ people but none can pull off the celebrisuit and, as such, are fine to emulate (but really, why would you want to?):
Human Cheetoh Britney Spears
Beyonce Got-A-Big-Ol’-Booty Knowles 
J-Ho
Mariah I-Love-My-Plastic-Surgeon Carey (between procedures, of course)
Fastass Janet Jackson (when not whoring it up for the media promoting something)

Swimsuit season is  just around the corner you know … YEEAHHH!!

March 18, 2008 at 1:55 pm

Did E? Dunno!


Tupac ShakurBut if you believe this story in The Los Angeles Times, Sean Puff Daddy P. Diddy Just Diddy Combs may well have set up the ambush that claimed the life of Tupac Shakur.

Yuh huh!

They weren’t supposed to, like, kill him or anything, you know – just give him a massive beatdown and steal anything of value he had on his person to make it look like a robbery. Don’t you just hate it when one of the crew doesn’t get the memo and screws up the whole job for everyone!?!

I, for one, am shocked — SHOCKED by this article!!

Sean P Diddy CombsFirst of all, Tupac is really dead? I mean, have we seriously and for real confirmed this as fact? I’ve sort of gotten used to him coming out of ‘hiding’ every few years to bestow up on us never-before-seen clues that will lead to the capture of his killers. He’s like the Punxsutawney Phil of the rap world — if Tupac spits forth a valid clue from beyond — we get at least six more months of East versus West turmoil, recrimination and bad lyrics.

I look forward to that shit!

But Diddy? It’s hard, hard, damned hard for me to wrap my head around the assertion that The Did could be in cahoots with societal ne’er do wells; that he could possibly be associated with violence or ‘bad doings’ of any kind!

I’m stunned I tell you!

March 17, 2008 at 7:37 pm 1 comment

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