Archive for April, 2008

Droopy Draaahz, Saggy Laws


Can you really get jail time for wearing a jail wardrobe?

Yes, you can – if you live in Riviera Beach, Florida, where Mayor Thomas Masters recently led a successful campaign there to ban the hip-hop style of wearing saggy jeans without a belt.

While exposing your Joe Boxers for all to see might be a dumb idea, it’s no worse than the notion to turn a fashion crime into a real crime. Besides, it’s not too bright to take on a little document called the U.S. Constitution just to punish teenagers with questionable taste.

It’s only a matter of time before the ACLU bankrupts financially-strapped Riviera Beach with a civil-rights infringement suit, and you know the abdicating parents who voted for this goofy law won’t be chipping in for the award money.

Drropy Drawers law passed in Riviera Beach Florida

Besides, who needs a stinking saggy-pants law to go after saggy-pants wearers?

In December 2007, the Village of Wellington deployed no less than 30 patrol cars, a SWAT team, a police helicopter and a canine unit to arrest a baggy-trousers repeat-offender and his family members in the parking lot of the Wellington Mall — and it didn’t even have a saggy-pants law on its books.

Had Dirty Harry been a metrosexual, that would have made his day.

Bottom line: Substituting policemen for parents makes for bad laws. So here’s a tip to the so-called adults in Riviera Beach: Belt your kids so the police won’t have to.

April 24, 2008 at 2:05 pm 4 comments

Hammer time!


Antwon Anderson killed his mother with a hammerAsk Antwon Anderson what he’s getting dear ol’ mom for Mother’s Day and he’ll tell you a big ol’ cuppa NUTHIN’ – that’s what!

That’s because he ‘bashed her head in’ with a hammer last night for no apparent reason after she went to bed.

::: I don’t think that’s what she meant when she said ‘light’s out’ Antwon! :::

Such a tragedy. Oh how oh how could it have been prevented when there was just NO WAY to have foreseen a deed as dastardly as this being committed by a 19-year-old who has been arrested 15 times over the last 8 years for crimes ranging from disturbing the peace to assault.

Last year he had moved back to Palm Beach County, but was recently asked to leave a relative’s house there.

Nope.

His own relatives were turning him out …

No indication whatsoever  that Antwon might actually, like, fur realz hurt someone some day.

‘cept dear ol’ mom …

Man, if only there’d been some sign … some warning … 

He can save the money he might have spent on a nice bottle of perfume or pretty card mom and use it in the prison commissary.

Yup, no need to worry about this  troubled youth … he has pretty eyes — he’ll be popular in the pen!

April 23, 2008 at 9:23 pm

You mean it wasn’t true love?!?


Star Jones and Al Reynolds divorcingIn a completely and totally shocking development, original Bridezilla Star Jones has filed for divorce from Big Gay Al.

We know — who could have seen THAT  announcement coming … I heart sarcasm

In a statement to “Entertainment Tonight,” she said: “Several years ago I made an error in judgment by marrying a manlover, incessantly hyping the nuptials, having corporate sponsors for my wedding inviting the media into the most intimate area of my life. A month ago I filed for divorce just like everyone predicted would happen.”

::: Star Jones talking about her ‘intimate areas’ = nasty :::

She drones on … “The dissolution of a marriage is a difficult time in anyone’s life that requires privacy with one’s thoughts. I have committed myself to handling this situation with dignity and grace and look forward to emerging from this period as a stronger and wiser woman.”

And by handling the sitch with dignity and grace she means she couldn’t snag any corporate sponsorship for the breakup.

::: bew hew :::

Poor girl — it’s hard, we know. Almost nothing tastes as bad as crow …

April 23, 2008 at 7:10 pm 2 comments

Wishful thinking


Charles BarkleyPolitics – it’s not just for out-of-touch elitist assholes (or liars or crooks or child touchers or drug users or hooker-hirers …) anymore!

Sure, we laughed at the Obama-Clinton steel-cage wrestling deathmatch (VF, btw) and got a chuckle imagining Cindy’s Botox goin’ bad after Big Mac called her the C-word on a campaign stop and goodness knows the Shrubster is a never-ending source of hee hee – but we’re not talking about these  walking cadavers.
Nosiree – we’re talkin’ ’bout Sir Charles and Miss Izz!

mmm Hmmmm — those two fierce bitches could get things done!

Charles Barkley visited The Tonight Show last week and told Jay Leno that he was considering running for mayor of his hometown of Leeds, Alabama because there are ‘too many crooks on the City Council”. We were all ‘yay and stuff’ because CB’s a hot piece who doesn’t pull his punches and we repsect the hell outta that.

Sure, he’s teased us before with talk of running for Governor of Alabama and lots of white people said he wasn’t qualified to be a politician so he should just stay in sports. But if Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura can be governor of Minnesota and Arnold ‘The Nazi’ Schwarzenegger can be governor of California — then what’s there to stop The Round Mound of Rebound from taking the oath?

mmm Hmmmmm !!

Eddie IzzardAnd then there’s our favorite ‘action tranny’ – Eddie Izzard – who’s telling Newsweek reporters that he is so worried about the curent state of his much-beloved European Union that he may add ‘working politician’ to his sparkly, perfumed resume so he can stick his platform heel up the arse of every lazy pol currently screwing things up.

Dee-lish!

What? You can’t picture it?
Transcend!!!

Now … let your mind time-travel to the worldwide utopia created in the aftermath of the:
1.) Obama presidency, when Barry created an entirely new mathematical dialogue which solved the credit crisis, eliminated the federal deficit and righted the blighted housing landscape
2.) Clinton presidency, when HRC did away with that whole pesky primary process, gave the electoral college a complete makeover and used Barry’s groundbreaking methodology regarding astrophysics and environmental engineering to end the Global Warming trend forever

Yesssss … and now on to the time when President Barkley and Prime Ministress Izzard are the big swinging dicks of the G8; the time when the emerging markets of Haiti and Darfur are the hot topics among economic heavyweights and the nearly lost, ancient art of reading is fashionable once again …

What? You still  can’t picture it?
Me either — that’s what happens when I do too much kitty flipping in one day.

April 22, 2008 at 9:51 pm 4 comments

Dumb bitch makes headlines


MySpace logoNewspaper headline:
Port St. Lucie teen worried her nude pictures will be on MySpace

Story (nutshell version):
Boy gets girl.
Girl lets boy take nudie pics of her.
Boy loses girl.
Boy threatens to show girl’s vajayjay and tatas to any MySpacers who want to see them.
Girl drags police into her breakup drama.

Editorial Comment:
ZZZzzzzzzzzz ….

Sorry, but in all honesty – who doesn’t  have nude photos floating around out there somewhere? What makes this original? What makes this news?!? (God knows the rag that ran this ‘story’ didn’t tell us …)

Unless the photog was 25 or 42 or something or he had to drug her or beat her into submission to get his Kodak moment on, then she’s just a dumb, skanky high school bitch who let herself get used by a horny high school skeeze.
Think before you say something stupid
Which is, umm, like not news ‘n stuff …

Get over it toots and go back to class — and a little word to the wise:
If you’re gonna act all prudish and nun-y all of a sudden over your exposing yourself possibly getting  exposed – then the guys are totally gonna label you a cocktease … and then what are you gonna do about prom?

Yup, you’re fucked … but that’s pretty obvious to everyone by now, right?

April 21, 2008 at 5:21 pm 7 comments

This is nuts!


Man with bulls balls hanging from his truckDang it all to hell and back!
They’s up thar in Tallahassee tryin’ to pass laws sayin’ we cain’t have no truck balls no more. What IS this world comin’ tew, I ask yew?!?

Yesstiddy, a buncha senators got together and made it a law sayin’ people with trailer hitches that look like the dangling southern end of a northbound bull are gonna hafta pay a big ol’ $60 fine.

Seextee dollerz! That thar is a lot of munee!! People are gonna hafta be choosin’ between their beer and their balls! Yew talk about yer rock and yer hard place? Thass it, right thar!

Next thang ya know, they’re gonna tell us we cain’t pimp our rides with mudflap girls or the Confederate flag or nuthin’ no more — cuz their ‘offensive’ or some bullcrap like ‘at.

I bet yew this whole mess got started by some panty waste liberal commie pinko or maybe one o’ them soccer moms you always hear ’bout bitchin’ about this thang or that thang her ‘preshuss kid’ wuz exposed to or some kinda crap like ‘at.

Mobile home trailer, double wide trailer trailer parkIt jess takes one pansy ass like ‘at to go an’ ruin it fer the rest of us!

I mean, this is really some serious shit, y’all!

Sheeeyuht!
I know a buncha folks who’re gonna hafta sell the trailer over all the fines they’s gonna git. An’ all jess cuz somebuddy didd’n think havin’ someone’s balls in their face wuz PC.

Wut-EVER!

 

 

April 18, 2008 at 4:05 pm 15 comments

When does the torch get to Darfur?


Beijing 2008 Olympics

 

April 17, 2008 at 12:43 pm 4 comments

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